Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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[SIZE=9pt]Name:[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] Nuundarii[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Designation:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Sentient[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Homeworld:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Khatsan'lia (a system on the galaxies edge)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt] Language:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Khatsar,basic[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Average Lifespan:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]500[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Estimated Population: [/SIZE][SIZE=9pt]3 Billion (only about 2000 currently in the known galaxy)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Average height of adults:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]1.7 meters[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Average length of adults:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]N/A[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Skin color:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Pale, dark[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Hair color:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Black, Blond, Bluish-silver.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Distinctions: Shavar'ria[/SIZE] ([SIZE=9pt]Black or dark blue eyes, the males do not have pupils, always wear black combat suits, or other dark assassin type clothing, and carry darksabers), Taardak (Brown, green, blue, gray eyes, clothing varies, carry darksaber and other types of lightsabers). Krithban (Purple, red eyes, no pupils, black, red, and brown leather clothing, red, green, purple lightsabers). [/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Breathes:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Oxygen[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Strengths:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt] 1. The Nuundarii are a very distinctive force race, and having toned their skills at a balance of the force, they are considered a d[/SIZE]eadly race by most metrics[SIZE=9pt].[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt] 2. They also have a strange size distinction of ship, considering 8 kilometer [/SIZE]vessels[SIZE=9pt] to be no more than diplomatic ship, their large homeships are thousands of kilometers in size, and hold millions of ships and personnel. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt] 3. Having a different concept of the force, the Nuundarii are able to take their force powers beyond what is generally believed possible. They use powers such as, Force Fire, Rapid Force Healing, they're favorite combat game is tearing ship apart with force, up to Star Destroyer size ships. They also [/SIZE]combine Force Fire and Force Lightning, they have Force Crush, (crushing a victim with the clench of a fist), and they are able to take on many targets simultaneously with Force Grip, and powerful Force Waves, (area force pushes that can knock anything over up to an AT-AT, and can have a range of up to half a kilometer.[SIZE=9pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Weaknesses:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]1. The Nuundarii are a rash and proud people, and they often dive into situations that they can't really handle.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt] 2. The population of the Nuundarii is low due to massive wars which occurred in their home system about 50 ABY, leaving the planes devastated, billions dead, and entire species divisions wiped out. The [/SIZE]remainder[SIZE=9pt] are mostly wanderers.[/SIZE]
3. Again, having a different concept of the forces enhances strength, but also creates limitations. Eventually a Nuundarii will become exhausted in the force after much usage, and will require anywhere from a day to a month in recovery.. This is often remedied by another Nuundarii, usually a spouse, providing his/her own force power, usually being the female, thus they are called the protectors.

[SIZE=9pt]Races:[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] Taardak, Krithban, Shavar'ria (multiple extinct races)[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Diet:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]They have a typical diet of any humanoid.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Communication:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Force Contact[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Culture:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]The entire Nuundarii culture rotates around its religion. They believe that a god by the name of Khatsu had created all things, and at a time around 50,000 BBY, 15 races, (both known and unknown to the galaxy), were chosen to be the Nuundarii, the Chosen Ones. Khatsu gave them the Force, so they would be successful in their ambitions. If any had fallen away from a true [/SIZE]balance[SIZE=9pt] of the force, this was considered a heresy, and the offender would be banished or executed. The entire Nuundarii society has a great religious zeal, and they all hold to what they believe is holy, often discriminating or acting hostile to anyone who opposes their beliefs. They are firm [/SIZE]supporters[SIZE=9pt] of monogamy, the man is considered the head of the family group, but the woman is the protector, however the man must never abandon her lest she fall into trouble. The government is a Social Republic. All citizens attend meetings held whenever the people deem it time, and they discuss and vote on political issues, sometimes spending days doing so. All can use the force from birth, but the art isn't refined until the age of 13 when they begin training, and this is usually completed by the age of 18. Both men and women learn the art of combat. The Nuundarii do have an interest in art at a later period with an arising interest, [/SIZE]among[SIZE=9pt] them of Admiral Thrawn. However before that the Nuundarii had little time for the arts, having only stories and legends passed down verbally or through the force over [/SIZE]millennia[SIZE=9pt].[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Technology level:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]The Nuundarii have a high technology level, developing a hyperdrive type thousands of years before the Rakata.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]General behavior:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]The Nuundarii are usually quiet but foreboding characters. They can be moved to wrath with relative ease, and often deadly results. They however believe a continuous calming of the spirit, unless they deem a topic worth righteous wrath, so only a handful of things will actually set them off.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]History:[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] According to the Nuundarii, some 50,000 years before the Battle of Yavin, a divine being called Khatsu, [/SIZE]designated[SIZE=9pt] 15 races of aliens, to be called the Nuundarii, or Chosen [/SIZE]Ones[SIZE=9pt]. These include the human-like Taardak, Krithban, and Shavar'ria, the spider like Wragkhyy, the Dragon-like Tathlak, the scaly humanoid Raban, the lizard-like Hzzkcyt, the multi-eyed Kran, the raptor-like Akhan, the skeleton-like Sks, the insect-like Vzchtzxmwh, the triangular-headed Neida, the [/SIZE]Minotaur[SIZE=9pt]-like Bakharii, the orc-like Ugvardz, and the Tindat, (a branch of the Talortai). [/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]What did happen at any rate, was the said 15 [/SIZE]tribes[SIZE=9pt] did indeed come together from various parts of the galaxy, mainly the deep core. They had constructed ancient hyperdrives, and went to a lone star on the galaxies edge. The system was a rare one, having 16 planets. The Nuundarii named it Khatsan, and each tribe [/SIZE]selected[SIZE=9pt] a planet, the outermost and 16th was named Ya Matzdaz. There were the temples and [/SIZE]monasteries[SIZE=9pt] for Khatsu, and there the priests and Great [/SIZE]Prophets[SIZE=9pt] dwelt. (The Great Prophets were unique Nuundarii who through the force, became the most [/SIZE]knowledgeable[SIZE=9pt] and wisest of their race. They were powerful enough to [/SIZE]receive[SIZE=9pt] [/SIZE]revelations[SIZE=9pt] from Khatsu, tell the future up to a century ahead. But some considered them insane due to their often strange behavior).[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]The tribes lived peacefully for over 25,000 years. Their technology grew rapidly, having advanced space combat ships by the time others were just stretching out into the galaxy on the first sleeper ships. But then the Hzzkchyt and Ugvardz began [/SIZE]arguing[SIZE=9pt] over trade laws. Tensions grew, and an arms race began. [/SIZE]Sensing[SIZE=9pt] possible danger to themselves, every tribe began building large military forces. Warships were built, getting bigger and bigger, until finally their masterpiece, the many thousand kilometer Homeships, like giant armed, mobile cities. The Hzzkchyt began performing military operation in [/SIZE]other[SIZE=9pt] Nuundarii tribes, creating terrorist acts, then making it seem like the Ugvardz were doing it. The first tribes they did were the Tathlak and Krithban. It never got beyond that. The Tathlak and Krithban found out what happened [/SIZE]immediately[SIZE=9pt], and needless to say, they were [/SIZE]furious[SIZE=9pt]. And they attacked. The Hzzkchyt were massacred. The Tathlak were [/SIZE]terrifying[SIZE=9pt] fighters, and they showed no mercy. They left huge swaths of [/SIZE]destruction[SIZE=9pt] in their wake. The Krithban finished killing off the last of the 20 Billion Hzzkchyt. The Ugvardz were blamed for starting the tension, and they were also [/SIZE]promptly[SIZE=9pt] put to extinction by the Krithban. Peace rained again for a time. Though there is no proof, the Nuundarii claim to have fought an invading alien species that many believe were the Rakata. The Nuundarii claim they had some of the largest space battle in the galaxies history with the Rakata, and they provided the causes for the Rakatan downfall. But it was apparently a war that never reached the ears of those outside the Nuundarii and Rakatan realm, and their has been no evidence. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Whatever the case, not long afterwards the Dark Side of the Force began [/SIZE]corrupting[SIZE=9pt] the Nuundarii. It was restrained until 25 ABY. The Krithban suddenly accused the Shavar'ria of heresy, and promptly started the war of tears. Some 500 Billion people, millions of warships, and millions of ground vehicles plunged into combat.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Only the Tathlak, Taardak, and Talortai [/SIZE]supported[SIZE=9pt] the Shavar'ria against the false claims. They were badly outnumbered. But the Shavar'ria, while sitting aside during the Hzzkchyt and Ugvardz conflict, they had advanced their technology, now producing some of the most dangerous [/SIZE]star-fighters[SIZE=9pt] like the Z-100 Scalper, and Z-1000 Kell'daht combat fighter.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=9pt]Everyone fought at once, and the fighting was brutal. Billions died every day over the course of a week. The fighting stopped with finally over 450 Billion Nuundarii dead, and [/SIZE]equivalent[SIZE=9pt] of Quadrillions of Republic credits spent and lost. All but two of the planets were uninhabitable. There were barley 100 Shavar'ria left, and they fled the system is small groups. These included the parents of Naida Sha'aht, and Sasha Ga'anya. The Taardak numbering about a Billion, joined three remaining Tathlak, and thy took a Tathlak Homeship, and also fled. Only the Krithban now remained. But they were unsatisfied that so many got away, and they began pursuit with little success. Two of the Tathlak were killed, and the other went back to the deep core to see if any ancestors were left. A few Shavar'ria died, along with some Taardak, but otherwise they evaded the Krithban search parties, and began wandering the unknown regions, before coming in contact with the known galaxy...[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Notable Player-Characters:[/SIZE] [SIZE=9pt]Naida Sha'aht[/SIZE]

[SIZE=9pt]Intent:[/SIZE][SIZE=9pt] The Nuundarii are to be an alternative force group, not committed to the dark or light side of the force, but rather keep a true balance of power. The Nuundarii also provide a possible background to elements in Star Wars history, and add an element of interest, involving an ancient, almost extinct race of force wanderers. A race that is entirely of force wielders is something rather new (excepting Nightsisters), and I believe, should be fully possible in the Star Was universe.[/SIZE]
 
Naida Sha'aht said:
Homeworld: Khatsan'lia (a system just beyond the galaxies edge)


I'm assuming you are referring to the known universe in general?


Naida Sha'aht said:
(Back or dark blue eyes,

Think you meant Black here...


Naida Sha'aht said:
1. The Nuundarii are a very distinctive force race, and having toned their skills at a balance of the force, they are very deadly to all.


If you refer to the Codex Information Guide, this lands in two of the three provided reasons for why a species would require development. Either way, I'm a bit uncomfortable about the certainty of this phrase. Rewording to something akin to "They are considered a deadly race by most metrics" would be more appropriate.


Naida Sha'aht said:
3. Having a different concept of the force, the Nuundarii are able to take their force powers beyond what is geneall believed possible.

Gonna need you to elaborate on this a good deal. Seeing as the site considers, in general, the force to be limitless, I'm having trouble understanding the concept of pushing beyond that.


Naida Sha'aht said:
1. Being new to this region of the galaxy, the Nuundarii are often surprised by what the galaxy holds. Many aspects of it often surprise them beyond action.

This isn't a weakness that will offset the strengths you've provided. You'll need to provide another.


Naida Sha'aht said:
They only allow one man and one woman to marry,

Is this a reference to monogamy? If so, it might be worded more appropriately to emphasize that.


Naida Sha'aht said:
The Nuundarii won most of the engagements, and it is rumored that the disease that brought down the Rakata was a biological agent developed by the Nuundarii.

So long as this stays as a rumor and nothing more...


Naida Sha'aht said:
In punishment, the Force Priests cast the Yuuzhan from the force, and added the Vong to their name, distinguishing them as forsaken.

Somethings are better left alone. This falls into that category. I won't be approving a species that includes this concept or anything like this as it yields far too much power and attempts to re-write history (though I appreciate the creativity of it).


Now for some general notes. Your history is an appropriate format for in character posts. But for the purposes of a codex submission, details must be provided beyond folklore/legends - from the perspective of omnipotence and omnipresence. So I'd like for you to try and go about that a different manner, giving more details regarding the history with an injection of more certainty. You mention a great unrest - what exactly is this? Additionally, you allude to the different races but you never really define them beyond appearance. I'd like to see more about them in this description. As well as this, you mention that this species exists outside the known universe: well, why is that the case? Why hadn't they been found yet?

Based off your responses to the above, we can move forward with some additional edits. That being said, I will be requiring a minimum of 50 posts of development - though depending on the quality, that number can change. As well as that, I need you to really consider the concepts of weaknesses and strengths. Right now, this submission isn't at a level of balance that would allow me to approve it.
 
OKay, thanks, I was beginning to think I would never get reviewed.

A. Yes.
B. Yes.
1. Done.
2. For example, using Force Fire, healing critical injuries within a few seconds, etc.
3. Done.
4. Done.
5. Always a legend, no proof.
6. Okay, I'll delete that.

I'll wok on that history stuff. I've had this race in the making for years now, so I have plenty of material, I'm just being cautious as I'm fairly new to this RP. I'll have to work tomorrow though.

How would I make a thread for the development of a species?

Again, thanks for finally responding.
 
Naida Sha'aht said:

Well, currently I don't think we are looking to allow species that originate from outside the known universe. You can make them a fringe species on the outer edges of the universe.

Naida Sha'aht said:
2. For example, using Force Fire, healing critical injuries within a few seconds, etc.
You need to be very specific on this (beyond what you have presented). This can change the species and will more than likely require development if not properly balanced (though has the potential to be require amendment or removal, depending on its potency).


Naida Sha'aht said:
How would I make a thread for the development of a species?
Some people do it from the point of view of an explorer. I would suggest this one as the go to.
 
A. Done.
2. Done.
3. Okay, thanks. As I'm planning my character to be Nuundarii, at least until I see if I can get this through, do I have to post a profile for my explorer? Also, can I use my writer profile, or another character profile to act as the explorer if I have to have a profile?

History change complete.

Please let me know if you spot an inconsistencies that I didn't catch.

[member="Reverance"]
 
Naida Sha'aht said:
3. Okay, thanks. As I'm planning my character to be Nuundarii, at least until I see if I can get this through, do I have to post a profile for my explorer? Also, can I use my writer profile, or another character profile to act as the explorer if I have to have a profile?

You're explorer can be an NPC or it can be a PC, that's entirely up to you. And yes, you can use your writer profile.

Please break up your history to have spacing (it's hard to read currently). Thanks.

[member="Naida Sha'aht"]
 
[member="Naida Sha'aht"]

Given the minimum requirement for this development, I'm going to go ahead and lock this up and archive it (as we don't allow work in progress submissions). Once you are finished with the development and ready for another review, contact either myself or [member="Lorelei Darke"] and we will pull the submission and assign a judge.
 
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