Private Nature's Respite

[Katherine Holt]

New Cov, Jedi Temple

​

While the Jedi Temple and Prosperity were familiar places for Katherine, she had been sorely in need of a change of scenery. Even if she wasn’t able to fly around anymore, the Padawan still missed being somewhere that was open, and filled with nature.

It took some convincing, but Katherine eventually got the Healers to give her the okay to leave for an entirely different planet. Albeit sure, it was New Cov that she had chosen, specifically the Jedi Temple there.

But it was a literal breath of fresh air compared to Coruscant. Plus, Katherine had reached out to a dear friend she hadn’t spoken to in what felt like ages.

Shan Pavanod, the green bean healer extraordinaire. And her fellow Noble Padawan.

A while ago he had partially departed from the Order. Splitting his duties between it and his medicine studies at university. Katherine couldn’t remember when she had last messaged him, or seen him really. For all she knew, he could’ve visited her while she had been unconscious in that bacta tank. But the redhead’s memory of that time had always been cloudy.

Today however, would remedy that error. Katherine had reached out to Shan, messaging him to see if he was free to visit New Cov with her. Fortunately, she had picked the perfect time, and they arranged to meet up at the Jedi Temple.

So Katherine waited, quietly sitting in her hoverchair at the docking bay. Eyes searching around for that familiar face.

Shan​

 

[Shan]

New Cov Jedi Temple


Shan wasn't sure what was harder. Training as a Jedi, or training to be a Doctor. There had been plenty of late nights cramming in information since he had left the Order. Temporarily of course, and not completely. If there had been anything he had been needed for, the Mirialan would have came back running. Which had been the case when he had felt something wrong in the Force. He couldn't quite have explained it but there was a subtle itch in the back of his mind that had told him something was wrong.

It had taken a trip to the Prosperity for him to have figured out what it was. Seeing Katherine Holt in the state she was in a Bacta Tank had played havoc on him since he arrived back at the university. It was harder for him to focus on his studies. It was honestly part of why he had given up most of his commitments to the Order to focus on his learning. He knew his own weaknesses. He wouldn't be able to relax until he had figured out what had happened. If Katherine would be alright. Thus his late nights became even later as he stayed up at night, letting his mind wander to various different thoughts.

This is why, as soon as he received the message, Shan couldn't move fast enough to make his way to New Cov. Of course, he didn't forget to inform the faculty that he was going to be away for a while, but that was neither here nor there. The entire journey to New Cov, Shan couldn't sit still. Pacing back and forth in the shuttle, muttering to himself. There were too many thoughts rushing around in the green bean of a head he had...

Though none of those thoughts mattered once he was on the ground of New Cov. It already felt familiar to him. The Mirialan rushed off the shuttle, looking around the docking bay for the familiar face of his fellow Noble Padawan. Well, he wasn't necessarily a Padawan anymore...but you get the point. Eventually spotting said face in a hoverchair, causing Shan to hesitate for a moment...before rushing over with a wide, but also extremely tired grin on his face. No amount of bags under his eyes were going to hide the excitement he had.

 

[Katherine Holt]

As she waited, Katherine couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty. The Padawan knew she ought to have gotten in contact with Shan after she had woken up. But in her defence, the Healers had almost immediately directed her towards physical therapy. And if there’s one thing anyone learns about Katherine Holt…

It’s that if you throw a hurdle in her way, especially a personal one, she’ll hyper focus on it until she overcomes it.

But those guilty thoughts bled away when she felt the familiar presence. Followed by the Mirialan himself, bringing a bright smile to the redhead’s face. In that moment though, instinct overwrote common sense, as Katherine went to do what she always did when reuniting with a dear friend.

Give them a big ol’ hug.

Unfortunately, reality came crashing back down as Katherine instinctively stood up. Stood barely a few seconds before her legs gave out beneath her, sending the Padawan tumbling backwards into her hoverchair.

Katherine let out an audible curse, out both frustration and embarrassment.

Shan​

 

[Shan]

"Hey. Hey. Relax. Don't push yourself too hard. I can come down to you for the hug."

Which is exactly what Shan did, lowering himself down to try and give Katherine a hug to try and help with her frustration. He could only imagine how she must be feeling right now. But he was going to do his hardest to make sure she didn't have to focus on that. Obviously they could talk about what had happened, but he felt like that wouldn't helpful for her.

"Long time no see. Think you're the first person I've seen from the NJO since I took my break to for my education...Unless we're counting Alicio."

Then again, Alicio wasn't really a member of the Order...So yeah! Katherine was the first one he had seen in a while. Or at least, the first one he had spoken to in a long while.

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

Katherine let out a muttered ‘thank you’ feeling Shan’s arms wrap around her in a warm hug. She returned the gesture, but didn’t dare to look up. The Padawan just knew her face was burning up to a shade of red similar to her hair.

“Too damn long if you ask me, it’s good to see you Shan.”

It really had been quite some time since she had last spoken with the Mirialan, even just over the HoloNet. They had messaged back and forth initially, after Shan had made the decision to part from the Order. But as war escalated, and the number of battles doubled, Katherine found her focus shifted towards that.

Feeling her face returning to its usual colour, Katherine looked up at Shan with a smile. “Come on, let’s go somewhere a bit more quiet.” Much as she wanted to bombard him with questions right away, it didn’t seem right to do so in the middle of the docking bay.

With a swift swivel of her chair, Katherine led the way into the New Cov temple.

They eventually found a spot, although they did pause along the way to grab a drink. Despite feeling more capable of speaking now, Katherine still felt as though she got more hoarse than usual, especially when talking at length. They arrived at a small balcony nook; typically used by students looking for a quiet spot, that overlooked the greenery of New Cov.

“So, how have you been? Everything going well at the university?” She asked, pausing to take a sip of her water. “By the looks of those bags under your eyes, I’d say there’s been a few late nights studying.” Katherine let out a small chuckle, though she certainly had no room to judge. She had her own visible signs of sleepless nights.

Shan​

 

[Shan]

"Well. I'll be sure to make it much longer next time."

Shan smirked at that, as he followed her through the temple. Even now it still felt like it had only been yesterday since he walked through the halls. The Mirialan wasn't sure what halls he missed the most. New Cov, Coruscant, or his university's halls. All of them had their own memories associated with them at the end of the day.

He made sure to offer to hold Katherine's drink if she needed it but apart from that, he mostly stayed quiet on the journey. He wasn't even the most talkative person normally. That wasn't surprising though. Most of the time when he did start speaking, Shan would start rambling on and on about things. Once they arrived the Balcony, Shan threw himself down to sit, stretching his arms out for a moment as Katherine spoke.

"I guess...well enough? People seem to think I'm doing well, but I can always do more. I can always push myself further. I can't just...stick with being good enough." Shan wasn't that ambitious normally. It had only started since he left the Order. He had to do his hardest. It was different to when he was using the Force. He could trust the Force to help correct any small mistakes he might be making...whereas when it came to what he was learning now...He had to focus. He couldn't afford any small mistakes...

"I...erh...how have you been?" Of course. There was the giant Krayt Dragon in the room to talk about...but Shan wasn't going to directly ask about it. How were you meant to ask someone how it felt to be in a hoverchair instead of walking? You just don't!

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

“Well, aren’t you quite the overachiever.” She said, a teasing smirk on her face. It was an amusing turn of events, now that Katherine thought about it. Back when they were both studying under Master Kahlil, it was always her who was the ambitious one. Wanting to go above and beyond, be it memorising a new technique or reading up on a subject. Sometimes though, she did manage to drag Shan into those plans.

Now here they were, he was the ambitious one, and she…was stuck in a hoverchair.

Katherine remembered one of their earliest chats after he had left to go study. Shan had remarked that he wasn’t utilising the Force during the more practical lessons. It had bemused the redhead at the time, but now it made sense.

He didn’t want to solely rely on something that could be potentially made unusable. And here she was, a living example of just that. Physical movement taken away, forcing her to lean on using the Force a lot more.

Another opposite.

“Oh you know, I’m doing okay.” Katherine replied, taking a sip of her drink. She glanced over at Shan, catching that look in his eyes. Much as he tried to hide it, Katherine knew exactly what was going through his mind.

Fortunately for Shan, she wasn’t one to beat around the bush, more so when it was with someone she trusted.

“So uh…you’re probably wondering what happened?”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

"Not really. I just want the best for people. And I can't give them the best if I'm slacking off."

Shan shrugged his shoulders. It wasn't like he saw it as being ambitious, or dedicated. In his eyes, it was just what he had to do. What he needed to do. That was mostly what guided his path if he thought about it. He rarely did things just because he wanted to, or because they'd be fun. He did things because it would help people somehow down the line. Even this meeting, in a way wasn't just because he wanted to see Katherine again. It was something he had to do, to make sure his friend was okay. There were plenty of other people he still needed to check in on...but Shan was sure they'd be fine without seeing him.

"I'm...wondering a bit of what happened. Yeah. I just don't want to pry. I've never been good at prying. If I need to know it, I need to know. If I don't, well...I don't need to know it."

It was ironic. The way he was treating some things as being black and white. Either right or wrong. Yet when it came to morality, his views couldn't be more different. Fortunately, this conversation didn't need any morales. Otherwise Shan would be debating over things for years. He just kept his attention on Katherine, trying to make sure she was alright with telling him what happened.

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

Katherine let out a sigh, taking a hearty sip of her drink before she began. “I was on Coruscant when the Dark Empire attacked. Was stationed just outside the Temple; on the steps even, to stop anyone trying to get inside.” Admittedly, she was only one person out of a dozen who were defending at the time. But Katherine had been anticipating a greater number of enemies to contend with. To utilise her flying capabilities to keep the enemy occupied. But that had ultimately been her folly.

“I encountered one of their intelligence operatives, or at least that was my presumption at the time. They were able to sneak around me, but rather than going into the Temple she decided to try and attack me from behind. Battle ensued, but I was an idiot…a goddamn bloody idiot. I fought like, well you know how we were both taught.”

At the time the Mandalorian Enclave were the primary faction that the Alliance had to contend with. Thus, their training had been focused on fighting an enemy that was heavily armed, and more likely to shoot lethally than not.

“She was able to stun me mid-flight, the impact upon crashing did the rest. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a secret facility, to enjoy the hospitality of not just some Intelligence operative, but the fething Director herself.”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

Ah. Yes. The attack on Coruscant. Where Shan had been too busy getting stuck on an evacuation shuttle to get off and help his own padawan. The Mirialan just sucked on his teeth for a moment. He had unfortunately tried to shove that memory away. It was something he regretted. It had also been a reason why he had left the Order temporarily. Regret and distractions were not a good combination for a Jedi in his mind. Perhaps it was something he'd be able to get over in time, but alas that time was not now. Instead he just listened, starting to gain a few more regrets this time.

A small frown growing at the mentioning of their training. Shan had already had a few experiences of going against a foe that was nothing like the Enclave. Haivng fought minor Sith, or even a Bounty Hunter that he had barely managed to get away from. It was why experience was such vital importance when it came to combat. A realisation that Shan had came to unfortunately. As much as he disliked it, if he wanted to protect people, he was going to need to get into more and more fights...At least if he stayed as a Jedi.

"...There's a part of me that wants to tell you to see this as a learning experience but at the same time another part of me that wants to try and tell you it's alright. That we all make mistakes like that. I'm just...not able to find words to help. All I will say though is that in situations like the Dark Empire, or even the Sith, they get more value out of getting prisoners to get information, than they do from destroying things. It's...the problem that comes with having different enemies."

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

The Padawan’s shoulders, hell her body sagged into the hoverchair in response to Shan’s words. In particular, his initial mentioning of it being a ‘learning experience’, it was something that had been plaguing Katherine’s mind since she had awoken.

“Oh I know…I know exactly where I messed up during that fight.” She had gone into it with the incorrect mindset. “Too used to fighting Mandalorians, not someone who fought with deception. I underestimated them, and paid the price for my idiocy.”

In a way, there was something of a silver living in what Shan had also spoken of. She had remained on Coruscant, standing resolutely before the Temple in order to protect those inside, those that couldn’t evacuate in time.

“You’re not wrong, my…captor said as much during our lovely chats.” There was no disguising the venom in Katherine’s tone. “She was there to capture some Padawans, intent on breaking them and turning them to the Dark Empire’s side.”

One hand still grasping her drink, the other however was digging into the armrest of her hoverchair.

“A part of me is glad that I was the one they took, and not any of the younger Padawans. But at the same time…” Katherine closed her eyes, fingers digging into the armrest even deeper…until the Padawan sighed and loosened her grip.

“Ever since I was a child, choice has been taken from me. Until the day when Kahlil asked if I wanted to join the Order, to become a Jedi. I don’t think the importance of that moment really hit me until I fully regained my memories, and realized for once I had actually had the choice.”

“And now…” Katherine looked down at her legs. “Now that choice is being taken from me.”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

Shan watched Katherine for a moment. He wasn't sure if what he had said necessarily was helping. It just seemed like Katherine was getting more and more stressed which wasn't what had wanted. Pain and damage like this was something that Shan was never good at dealing with. Sure, he could heal physical damage enough but mental and emotional was far more difficult. But he also had to remind himself that Katherine wasn't a patient he needed to heal. He wasn't her doctor. He was her friend. All he had to do was be here for her.

And so, the Mirialan just reached out to place his hand atop of Katherine's hand as she gripped the armrest. He had no clue what was going on through her mind. Maybe she was reliving the moment, perhaps the memory was just stressful. But he was going to do his best to reassure Katherine that she was safe now. Though his mind did wander at the thought of the younger Padawans being taken...A frown forming before he dismissed it with a relatively simple shake of his head. No. He couldn't focus on that.

"You still have the choice Katherine."

It was a simple statement. But one that Shan would always stick by as he cleared his throat.

"I know you want to be able to use your legs again. To get back out there. But...that's not necessarily all there is to being a Jedi. There's more paths you can head down, that don't necessarily need your legs. Some of them may be more difficult...or boring than others. Healing is always a path that's open to you. Archaeology. Teaching. Those are things that you could still potentially do. You can inspire people. Not because you can fight. But because you've refused to give up...Have I been talking too much?"

Shan wasn't sure if he had been too serious throughout the entire conversation...but right now? He still stood by what he had said. Now he just needed to see how Katherine took it.

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

During their time training together, it hadn’t taken long for Katherine to work out when Shan was mentally preparing to talk at length. There was always something of pensive look in his eyes, as he listened intently, with compassion and kindness in his heart. It was just how Shan was, simple as that.

And Katherine wouldn’t want it any other way. Never change Shan, never change.

"You still have the choice Katherine."

The Padawan had taken a sip just as the Mirialan began to talk. Her eyes flickered over to him, the expression in her gaze practically screaming she didn’t believe his words. But Katherine remained silent as he spoke, just listening to what her friend had to say.

His final words got a small smile and shake of her head. “You’re fine Shan, always.” Katherine knew all too well that her fellow Jedi was often worried about rambling too much.

The Padawan let out a sigh, placing her drink back down. “That’s just not who I am Shan, I’m not the type to just sit around. Like, what would you do if one day you were suddenly unable to use the Force to heal, or your hands were too damaged to be a doctor.” Besides, who would she even be able to inspire? She was barely into her twenties. “You know I’m not exactly great with Healing, Archaeology would probably bore me, and Force don’t even get me started on Teaching, trying to wrangle students would drive me up the wall.” The idea of that at least got a chuckle out of Katherine.

“I’m a fighter, I’m meant to be out there in the galaxy. To be a shield to those that can’t defend themselves, and a sword against those that would harm the innocent.” Katherine let out a sigh, sinking into her chair.

“I am just…tired of all the uncertainty, of whether I’ll ever be able to get a fraction close to where I was before this happened.”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

Shan sat there and listened. Frowning ever so often at what Katherine had to say. It was...difficult for him to come up with responses. Katherine had said it herself. She was a fighter. Shan was not. He couldn't see things from that point of view, no matter how hard he had tried. Though there was one response he had, to something very specific Katherine had said.

Like, what would you do if one day you were suddenly unable to use the Force to heal, or your hands were too damaged to be a doctor.”

"If the option to teach others how to heal, or how to help was off the table? I'd replace myself. If my hands were too damaged, I'd get cybernetics. If my eyes were too damaged, I'd replace them. As much as I'd be...reducing the properties that make me "alive", for me it's a sacrifice I'd be willing to make to heal. It is my purpose. Always has been. Did Master Kahlil ever tell you that during my first mission with him, I nearly removed my own arm to stop a disease? He managed to convince me not to. That there is always another choice. You just need to see it...but sometimes it's hard to see."

It was true. As much as Shan liked to believe he was observant and open-minded, it was far too often that he'd find his vision closed off to that around him. He'd focus on one thing too much and be oblivious to what else might work. Right now, he was so focused on trying to cheer up Katherine. To reassure her, when his mind couldn't think of any option.

"I have...nothing comforting I can say Katherine. All I can say is that I'm here. For as long as you need."

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

Katherine smiled slightly as she listened, not at all surprised by Shan’s answer. The fact he was willing to sacrifice parts of himself to ensure he could continue his purpose. It was a very Shan thing to do, and as Katherine thought about it…it was likely one source of her own determination.

Should her own health not recuperate enough, the Padawan couldn’t foresee a future where she too wouldn’t let it stop her from continuing her purpose. Even if it meant going to an extreme to see it through.

The revelation that he almost severed his own arm did get a raised eyebrow from Katherine. No, she hadn’t heard about that. But again, it didn’t really surprise her given the determination that flowed through the Mirialan.

“I know, there’s no comfort…just harsh reality. But thank you Shan, it’s always appreciated.” She replied, smiling. The Padawan took another sip of her drink, only to let out a sigh after gulping it down.

“Times like now make me feel like I shouldn’t have this body. I-” She paused for a moment, realizing that likely sounded extremely odd without context. “Now that I say that, I don’t recall if I ever told you Shan, about what happened before? Like the ‘full story’ of what happened before Kahlil brought me to the Order?”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

It was hard for Shan to believe that it was appreciated. He was someone who liked to see progress. To be able to actually know that he was helping and that was something he couldn't figure out right now. He didn't know what kind of progress to be looking for, when in reality he didn't need to be looking for any kind of progress right now. Though he shook his head to try and not focus on that and instead turn his attention back over towards Katherine, tilting his head in confusion.

"I...Well. No. You haven't...told me the full story. But all I will say is that you always deserve this body. You deserve life. Everyone does. No matter what others might say or think or do."

Of course...Shan took that belief a bit to the extremes. He also believed that Sith deserved to live. But he was also a firm believer that Sith could be redeemed. That was still a goal of his, back in his mind. There was a specific person he hadn't thought of in a while that he wanted to save...but how could he save anyone, when he couldn't even help Katherine in front of him.

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

“Well, you best get comfortable, it’s a bit of a tale…” Katherine chuckled lightly, knowing just how much of an understatement that was. “Before there was ‘Katherine’ there was a girl called Lorelei, born on a border planet to parents that didn’t want her.” She went on to explain how technically she was from a slightly earlier time, during the final years of the Sith Empire and the New Imperial Order.

“It’s not exactly a good place to be, on a planet that’s right along the border of two conflicting factions. Certainly no place to raise a child, which Lorelei’s didn’t. They weren’t directly abusive but yeah…they weren’t exactly the most attentive parents.”

Katherine briefly went over the scant few childhood memories she had, before her tone became serious again. “Then one day the Sith Valkyries arrived. They were a female-only group within the Empire, who often looked out for potential recruits. Lorelei was practically sold to the Sith, under the promised pretense of ‘security and monetary benefits’.”

Then was the tumultuous period where Lorelei was forced into being trained as a Valkyrie. Only finding solace and friendship in the form of two other girls her age, Caroline and Eleanor, forming a ‘sisterhood’ of sorts.

“And then the Sith Empire collapsed, the acting Matriarch of the Valkyries; Darth Moirai, took the three of them and a few other hopeful students and took ‘em under her wings, both metaphorical and literal. Again promises were made, and that each of them would get to set upon their own path.”

Katherine let out a heavy sigh, eyes lingering on the floor before she looked back up at Shan. “Moirai kept Lorelei from leaving, had her experimented upon…and thus I; Katherine Holt, entered the picture. I am effectively, if we’re gonna get down to the technical details. A manufactured consciousness, composed of manipulated memories of Lorelei and surgically latched onto what she was.”

Shan​

 

[Shan]

At being told to get comfortable, Shan did exactly that. Folding his legs underneath him to listen as silently as he could. Part of the story, he was partly able to relate to. It wasn't something he had realised at the time but by now he had realised how his father had never wanted him around. Though unlike Lorelai, Shan at least had his mother to look out for him. She would never have allowed him to be sold to the Sith...Though one could assume that they had done something similar with sending him to join the Jedi...Though he frowned at the story that Katherine carried on to tell.

Once the story was finished, Shan did something quite strange. He stayed quiet. Staring off into space. By now, he would have tried to stay something to comfort Katherine. To say that she deserved the body that she was living in. Yet he didn't. Instead Shan thought. Pondered. There were plenty of thoughts going on his mind yet he didn't speak them out loud. Though eventually he spoke.

"...You're alive."

That was it. Two simple words. Shan kept his attention ahead of himself, not looking up at Katherine. He wasn't finished talking but he needed to put further thought into it. What was the best route to take? Brutal honesty? Try to gently say his mind? Normally he'd try to soften what he said but it seemed like now was a time for him to be blunt.

"It's your body now. Even if you feel like you shouldn't have it. Giving up isn't a choice you have either. From the sounds of it...you've been through a lot Kat. And you'll go through a lot more in the future. We all will. But...I won't let you suffer this incident alone. I've abandoned you and others for long enough. I'll put my mind to it as much as I can. I will find some way to help you. I might not be able to help you get back to normal, but I will help make a new path for you to tread."

Katherine Holt

 

[Katherine Holt]

The quiet that immediately followed had Katherine worried for a moment, wondering if she had talked too much. She did pretty much just ‘verbal vomit’ her entire life story in one go. But then she looked at his face, his expression, and realized he was deep in thought.

Very much like him, like a Jedi.

Sitting in patient silence as he internally debated what he had just learned and what to say in response. His first two words had Katherine pause, and looked down at the floor. They were almost the same words that had played in her head countless times.

Despite it all, she had survived what the Dark Empire had put her through. She was still alive, even if Katherine couldn’t shake it feeling…hollow.

Her eyes snapped over to Shan at the mentioning of ‘abandoned you and others’, words on the tip of the redhead’s tongue but she refrained until he had finished.

“Oi, enough of that. You didn’t abandon anyone Shan. You felt like you needed to walk a different path than the one you were on at the time. No one can fault you for that.” Katherine’s serious expression melted into a smile. “But I do appreciate it, more than you know.”

“And would I be correct in guessing this means you’re thinking of returning to the Order?”

Shan​