La Douleur Exquise

[Lynnori Cruz]

​

noun; the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.​

​

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
In Circles | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "While I powder my nose."
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The last few days, since their revelation, had been quite painful to manage.

Lyn had felt a little more than lost. She found herself more prone to smoking, drinking more casually than before but neither did anything except stroke the addictive centers of her quickly-unraveling mind. Not to mention her and Kole's relationship, which ultimately summed up to two people incapable of resolving a major divide between them.

Reality, 1; Lyn & Kole, 0.

She had made herself a mug of strong coffee but found herself just staring into it aggravatingly. Dark liquid swirled around the ceramic insides and she finally did what she should have done earlier -- Reached for the small flask sitting on the counter, to pour a decent amount of the clear, strong liquid within right into the hot drink. It was the same flash she''d taken from Maltoya's apartment, Lyn dully recognized as she set the small container down. The night they'd met. Take her back there, please.

Holding the warming mug in both hands, the female HRD moved over to the male one. A short sip of the concoction served to soothe her, to steel her ragged nerves, before she glanced down to where Kole rather plainly sat on the couch. A role reversal if one had ever been seen before, and Lyn's muted tones carried over the mug and across the living space to him. Three simple words, twelve letters, three syllables, one sentence, "We should talk." She prompted softly, gaze not leaving his face.

They really, really should.

It was falling apart and Lyn's instincts were screaming to escape.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Distance | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "'It feels like we only go backwards, baby. "
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It was a difficult time for the both of them.

Kole failed to adapt. He hadn't been willing to accept the truth, it was too outlandish and incomprehensible to make sense of. There had been nights where he gained no sleep at all, not one closing of his eyes led to a temporary snooze. He hated it, and it made him bitter. The Droid couldn't face Lynnori, either- he stopped stealing glances, neither did he smile after locking eyes with her, barely talked, too. Seemed as if it only happened when he needed to. That wasn't often, though. Kole sat where he did now, his eyes fixated upon a screen with exhausted eyes that wouldn't let him sleep, passing the time, uninterested.

He hadn't averted his gaze in the slightest, maintaining it's position as to where it was as he muttered a bored, "There's nothing to talk about." It might've been for the hundredth time for all he knew. Lyn tried her best to make things work, to smooth things over, but he wasn't having any of it. Maybe if he ignored it it'd go away? It might of, but it was something that never left his mind. So, how could it?

​It wouldn't.

"Just." He let out a deeper sigh than need be, evidently filled with some kind of bitter annoyance. "Drop it."

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Trauma | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "He will powder his gums."
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In, out.

A tense exhale, and she conservatively took a swing from her grounding drink. This was absolutely, utterly, a hundred percent out of her depth. Something in the back of her mind reminisced to nights on Zeltros, listening to her parents try and fix their own relationship from the recluse of her room. The brutal fights. This was, without a doubt, both the same and completely different. How was she, a girl used to seeing the damage, meant to repair it? Loft expectations, honestly. Maybe this was just her curse.

"I can't," She persisted in that gratingly stubborn way of hers, "I just-- Can't, Kole." Part of her wanted to reach out physically, but, that seemed like a poor idea. She didn't know how to make it better. If she could even. The drink briefly shivered in her grip as a tremble ran through her, a momentary shock, "I just want to try and help." Lyn's tone had softened, almost soothing.

Like she knew it was leading to an upset.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Agitation | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "Every part of me says go ahead."
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Too stubborn for her own good. Kole never relinquished his attention from the screen itself, it's sounds and sights persisting as those desperate words filled his ears only to be dismissed with such a minimal gesture and careless speech. His shoulders shrugged, "You have to." Kole explained, "Forget about it, I'm sick of hearing it." He furthered, seemingly passive despite all the anger, frustration, fear and more that swelled within him. It rampaged through every part of his body as if it were some kind of cyclone tearing through him all.

​"Go--." He shook his head from left to right with subtly, breathing out some air, searching for words. "Go and do anything​, I don't care." His words were callous, but it wasn't as if he was thinking straight. Kole knew immediately afterwards that he should regret that, and he did- but it didn't matter. The damage was done and he could only try and move on from it, not focus. He had no real regard as to how she felt right now. "Leave me alone for now."

Caught inside his own fragile mind.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Away | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "And if I try to get close."
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I̖̝̦̊̅͋ ̭̝̖̄̈́̚d͉̙͕̆̑̽ỏ͚̲̞͋͝n̪̹̥̋̉͠'̝͖͇̿̃̀t̛̜̝͎̀̍ ̦͓̤͆̕̚c̖̝̠̅̓͝a̼̪̦͐̒̅r̭̫̙̈́̀̌ȩ̭͕̌̏̔.̲̗͉̇̇̔

Her expression said it all. It was never, not in a thousand years, something she had expected to hear from him. She had, seemingly foolishly, assumed that through every hardship and trial the fact that they cared would remain, and would serve as a point to hit on in order to guide themselves free of hysteria. But those three simple words, in many ways just like the ones she had said earlier to ignite this fire, completely and utter̡͊l̰̅ẏ̘ ̯͗b̧̎r͈̉o̖͒k̻̚e̱̚ h̞̀ẹ̈́r̮̳͊̚ ̦͍͠͝h͔͑͜͠e̦͉̓̅a͍̻̐͝rt.

And the fact it was so obvious said it all.

There was anger in her posture as she turned, not even having bothered to sit or something of the like. Capacity had been reached. Her fingers shakily drummed along the edge of the mug and kept drumming even as she turned and walked away into the kitchen.

It almost looked pretty when the ceramic cupware smashed into the sink, shattering into a few dozen pieces due to the force used to throw it there. Careless. Temporary. Childish, she thought, utterly childish. There was nothing Kole could say that she hadn't said to herself in her mind, hadn't already berated herself for. It was just a thousand times worse actually coming from him. The dark liquid began to drain into the sink, and she spared it a glance before a long and tense exhale slithered from her.

"Fine." A hoarse, final word, and Lynnori was gone. The front door to their apartment didn't stop her at all as she moved out, not even grabbing a coat or anything at all.

She just. Left.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Acknowledgement | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "It got my hopes up, oh no, not again."
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Kole turned his head over his shoulder in one quick and fluid motion after hearing the sound of that ceramic cup- mug, whatever it was, shatter in the sink. His brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed, clearly capable of witnessing the anger that was all too apparent. It radiated from Lyn, from stance, gait, especially her face. He threw both arms up in the arm, squinting in a hint of disbelief as he exclaimed in an angered tone, "Why do you have to do that." The Droid, freshly exposed, began to stand and turned to her in full, even as she stormed off.

It was too late to apologise, no words could calm this. He didn't even to, either. He felt too much frustration of his own and amidst his stubbornness, too, there wasn't a chance any kind words were escaping him now. "Oh, you're leaving then?" He sounded almost sarcastic, bitter, too. "Y'never said you would, but here we are." His voice gained some volume as she slipped through the doorway, even as it closed behind her.

His hand slapped at the side of his head, muttering something through gritted teeth. He hadn't been angered at her, it wasn't fair. he knew that, now that she was gone, that is. If only he had a temper that was more controllable, less volatile, things may have gone down easier. He sat himself back down, clearly fuming as he caught his head in his hand, shifting it along his brow as deeper breaths, those more calm seemed to register the damage he done, concerned if it was even repairable.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, The Streets, Evening
Cowardice | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "He is already gone."
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Lynnori couldn't stop the angry wave of emotion from getting to her head, but she was already out the door. Here we are, indeed.

Where was she even going? The turbolift was repaired now, at least. Her face found it's way into her hands as she waited for the long ride down to the ground floor, fingers pressing into her eye sockets to relieve the pressure building. All synthetic, utterly human in her response to his actions. That was beyond angering.

Couldn't he have left her dead?

That would have been easier than navigating this nightmare.

The denizens of the lobby didn't seem to care for the rarely-seen resident exiting with a face twisted up in emotion. She passed through the entrance without an issue, into the evening street of Bastion, almost at once feeling the familiar wetness of tears. Goddamn it. It sure wasn't raining, so that must have been hers, produced from those fake tear ducts to run down a fake face. Such overwhelming emotion; it was a burden to feel so much like that. Anything would have been traded to only experience a cold numbness in this very moment, instead of the heart-rending thoughts and emotions wheeling through her mind.

Eventually, an alley offered respite from the shocking neon of the street level. Once more she had her face in her hands, her back against the cold wall, shuddering exhales barely containing the emotion seeping within her bones, her bloodstream, her existence. It crippled. Where did she go from here? The shadow of their complex loomed over her like a hungry demon and she flinched from it's touch. She was out here. At night. Unarmed. Most certainly vulnerable, definitely upset beyond words. What was she doing? What was she doing?

Clang. Something deeper down in the alley caused a ruckus, drawing her focus momentarily from the fact her percentage of getting in serious 'trouble' tonight had rapidly increased. Was something there? Someone? Oh, boy, was it it the end already? With bated breath she watched... As a short yowl was heard, followed by a hiss, a screech in response.

Just fighting animals.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Disgust | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "It feels like we only go backwards, darlin'."
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He hadn't felt so emotionally vulnerable as she. His eyes hadn't buried into his palms, concealing some tears as they rolled down his face, no. Instead he gritted his teeth, took breaths far greater than they ever needed to be. His chest rose, it fell, it rose, and fell again. It was a cycle, as it always had been. The monotonous nature of existence, knowing that each day he woke up at the same time to, running the same routine, and arrived at the same place. It changed here and there, but it was always the same. Mostly. It dawned on him then that tomorrow would be the same, and his eyes shifted to the clock. He- they had time.

Time to make things right, if they ever could be.

Kole felt too much guilt once again, it was a common thing for the figure who found himself too capable of creating pain, but only for her. The kind of pain that mattered, really. Physical faded, but the emotional and psychological didn't always. He knew that, now more than ever- things in his mind never seemed to fade away into nothingness. Ever present, ever stinging as they move round and round and round. But, it was now that he feared one thing above all else: what if she didn't come back?

He knew that he had to go find her, that it was Lynnori who could be in danger but Kole knew he couldn't face her. Not yet, anyways. They had their difference, their struggles, but she never left. Abandoned him, as it were. She was always there, waiting somewhere for him to say those two words that mad everything alright. But what if it was going to take more than that? Hell, he didn't know. And he hated himself for it as he lay there, flat on his back, his eyes to the ceiling, a panic soon to be settling in.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, The Streets, Evening
Lovestory | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "I don't know where he's going."
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Some sort of rat had cornered a cat-- How ironic --and was snapping at it. Startled and defensive, the small grey feline had only hissed and knocked over some trash in it's bid to escape the vermin-like aggressor. Lyn, for a moment, watched the two.

Pitiful. Like her.

Mopping tears away with the back of her hand, her hapless mind focused on the appealing distraction as in a rough voice she snapped, "Hey, quit it." In the direction of the oversized, hideous beastie, stamping her feet once or twice in it's direction to send a message. It was quick to flee when the proverbial bigger fish arrived, the ugly dark rat tottering off behind some boxes after deciding the cat as a meal wasn't worth the fight anymore.

No words came from her, then. Just another exhale, more like a sigh, her hands twitched and she ran them through her hair briefly as, cautious like a thief, the aforementioned cat started to snake out of the shadows, cautious as if it were walking across eggshells. And, whilst she was no animal whisperer, she was sure it was thankful for the assist in some way.

"Yeah. We both just need some help." It was almost like she was soothing the rattled animal, and Lyn was squatting soon enough, a slightly damp hand extended to the skinny little thing. Yellow eyes, terribly reminiscent yellow eyes, watched back in caution before shuffling over, it's jaw and cheek rubbing on her fingertips affectionately. Clearly domesticated. Much like her.

Maybe they were both just meant to be strays.

Or they could go home.

A pensive exhale left her, a glance up and over her shoulder, "Did he really mean that." She muttered into nothing, the cat still amusing itself by rubbing it's head and chin along Lyn's petting fingers. He couldn't have. He wouldn't have. In her limited experience, fear and anger, they were so often tied together. They blurred. There was a chance he'd just been scared. Hazel eyes fell back on the malnourished lost housepet, a soft sigh and a tilt of the head, "I need to get my jacket anyways." the HRD justified quietly, justified her return to their apartment in four words. It could be permanent, or she could return just to leave again.

Either way. The cat was now in her arms without so much of a whine of complaint, opting to purr and knead on her instead as it enjoyed the attention of being held, and a wrecked Lynnori went right back into the building. Surprisingly, the clocks read an hour later. How long had she been out there?

Time flies when you cry alone.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Disgust | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "It feels like we only go backwards, darlin'."
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It'd been longer than he could ever of imagined. Kole had felt as if each second was a minute, a minute an hour, and hour. an infinite amount of time he struggled to comprehend. It was painful, agonisingly so, and his only solace was found in the bottom of a bottle he found himself resisting for far too long. He never found himself intoxicated, though, and that stung. Mostly because the burning sensation never numbed, it persisted and screamed. Maybe he was going to throw up purely from digesting too much liquids, but that alcohol coursed straight through him more than enough times to allow more to fill it's void.

He only ever wanted to reach the bottom of that glass, he knew that whilst he stared into it, the golden liquid rippling with each tremble of his hands. It wasn't that in which he wanted, no, it was her. She had to come back, right? Otherwise he didn't know what he was doing. Here or in general. Kole might just run, leave TSE, descend back into the underworld. Maybe the CSF would take him back; unlikely, but, y'never know.

Kole let loose a sudden burst of anger, and the Droid hurled that glass into the adjacent wall. It shattered, no doubt, and contents splattered freely. The Droid sunk further into the furniture in which he sat, slumping ,bowing, his head fallen into his hand once more.

Please.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Fairytale | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "I don't know where he's been."
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This time the turbolift up seemed to take forever. The new friend within her grasp just wiggled uncomfortably as the pure force of shooting upwards often put a pressure on you. No doubt it was worse for the little guy. Or girl. She wasn't a vet, just a hurt stranger randomly taking no doubt someone's cat. They were never storybook perfect, though, and it had been nice, and well, maybe it'd stick around.

But nothing stuck around anymore.

And still, she found herself on that same floor, walking towards the same door, letting it open to reveal a somewhat same-scene. Clockwork, it was. Clockwork. Once the door hissed behind her did she let her eyes finally leave their somewhat-clean floor, a tense swallow to clear the lump in her throat as she glanced around, unsure what to look for or what to focus on. The cat made a soft churring noise.

"You still here?" She prompted in a dull tone, littered with the strugglings of keeping the curious animal contained in her arms. Maybe it'd just be her and this skinny little thing. Not such a bad life, she figured. Not the one she wanted. She wanted to be here, she wanted to wake up next to him, she wanted to be left breakfast when he went out for normal work and not work that involved blood and shrapnel.

Wasn't in the cards. Maybe he'd left, too, and this place was just a mausoleum to their failures.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Relief | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "I know that you think you've set sail when you call my name."
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Kole felt both relief and dread in the moment he heard that door hiss right open, a footstep taken inside. It was light, soft, hers. He knew it. He hadn't heard it make it's way through a doorway often, least not anymore, but he could recall it all the same. He thought that was the case, at least. His internal state had been evident across his face, the way it contorted in a manner that didn't quite make a whole lot of sense- nor did it mix well together. It was mostly why a blanket statement of sadness was capable of describing it best.

Yet, still, Kole could find solace in the fact she came back. Even for the briefest of moments, it didn't seem to matter. It was only going to take one last look to find comfort, just for a brief moment, too.

His footfalls were evident enough, though. Subtle in their own way, but recognisable all the same. His peered his way around the corner, his blue eyes met hers and he stood in silence; a panic settling. "I-." His eyes briefly cast down to that feline, but he shook his head and his attention returned to where it needed to be. "I'm sorry." He swallowed something in his throat, "I didn't mean it. I-- It's hard." Kole had rarely been so genuine, not for a lack of trying.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Honey, I'm Home | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "But he is restless at night."
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"I-- I know."

Something had definitely broken in her voice as she said that, all those emotions back with a vengeance, starting to well up again even as the pet in her arms was intent on escaping it's cage of arms to find freedom in it's potential new home. Had she really known? No, she hadn't, that was why she had stormed out. That was why she had ran away. That had been...

...Something to never repeat again. There was a confusing storm of expressions across her face as she stared back to Kole's often-mesmerizing eyes, never quite ever admitting how profoundly that part alone affected her, "I'm sorry, too."

"F-For running." She looked to her feet, how close she was to the door. She could still run, if she felt the desire to. Lyn certainly didn't want to feel it, didn't want to experience it. She had told him that night weeks ago now that she had no intentions of leaving but she had almost certainly left earlier. And, what, lack of a jacket had brought her back? She held the noisy animal a bit closer to her chest, and kept her gaze firmly tipped downward.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Concern | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "But I get it inside my head all day."
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Talk.

​The Droid ran right back to where this all started, what he said, what she said before that, how it had come to this very thing. His hesitant gaze persisted, resting within a few lingering moments of silence where he struggled to formulate a response beyond a stare of complete desperation. His head moved left and right as he spoke, almost fidgeting as he struggled to understand anything he had planned on saying. "I'll talk about it. Anything; I'll... answer anything." Kole returned those eyes of his onto her hazel orbs that so often ensnared the entirety of his attention at the end of his own sentence, a simple and potentially futile attempt to reconcile.

She deserved to know, right? He was vulnerable here, too, and he hadn't a clue to what extent. She could ask anything and he'd answer it in desperation. There wasn't anything off the table, and Kole was helpless to it. It wasn't even as if he could lie, only answer vaguely. Did Lyn have that same kind of programming? Impossible to tell, least for now.

​"Just." He let out a deeper breath than the regular ones, "Please don't go."

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Repairs | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "He has horrible dreams."
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At last she let the damn thing go, let it shoot away to scurry under their couch no doubt, or some other piece of furniture as it got to exploring. Idly rubbing at the white scratches the claws of the cat had left on her-- Definitely not enough to pierce skin, just leave those ghostly marks --and was quick to close the distance. Well, she always had been, but this time it seemed to take her only a second or two to be there and now be here, her arms haphazardly thrown over and around his neck, across the shoulders to pull him in. She could tell. She could tell how bad it had really become even in that brief absence.

They were, in the end, each-other's worst enemy, best friend, ride-or-die lover. And yet, they wouldn't let the other get away.

"I won't run again," Lyn's voice muttered now, soft and close to his ear, "I won't." Even as her former friend's words rattled in her mind, A, the one who had even shed the light on their shared condition. You've always been good at outrunning people.

"Did you know? Did you have any idea?" She asked at last, hanging off of him, her arms still crossed around his neck and head to hold him in that close embrace.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Confession | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "When I realise I'm just hoppin' onto the hope that."
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Her arms went high, his went low. Kole had never felt such comfort- such reassurance in the moment. He could always hang onto the memories as she hung onto him now, but they would never be the same. It couldn't ever compare to the moment her warmth combined with his own, creating a bubble of emotional electricity. Supercharged. The replicated man bowed his head, whether it was his choice to or not. His face had rested against her own, his stubble-wearing face alongside her smooth, soft skin. It was hardly a match, but it would do.

​"No." He claimed, his eyes staring at the wall behind her. "I didn't know." He further confirmed, his voice a tad quaky. It was difficult for Kole to talk about it, but he had to. He had to talk to someone and who else did he have? Nobody.

 

[Lynnori Cruz]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Repent, Sinner | Interacting with [member="Kole Harper"] ~ Run ~ "So we lay in the dark."
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If all he had was her, then it was enough.

"I'm sorry." She murmured, a hand grasping in his hair, at the base of his skull. She was. She was sorry. Sorry for leaving, sorry for how he had to find out, sorry he had to find out. Sorry that this fight had even started in the first place, "I am. I can't say anything to make it better. You have to do that yourself," Gently, Lyn's head bumped against his, their proximity meaning once more they felt the heat of their joined exhaled breathes, "But you don't have to do it entirely alone."

"I can't make you accept what you are, or always been-- I don't know. I've had to accept it, too," It had begun to sound a little ramble-y, but it was all she could manage, "We're not fake. We're not like others. We're real. What we feel -- That makes us real."

Her voice dropped an octave, it broke a little, "I've felt sad. That means I'm alive. Felt happy, too. Felt love. Felt lots of stuff since I woke up." Her head rolled around his shoulder slightly, in soft shaking motions. Lyn naturally hoped this helped in some manner, but it likely wouldn't; at any rate, she could get it off her chest, "And I don't care what you think, I don't care what people say, if they know or not, you aren't just some toaster on legs." That comparison managed a gentle laugh out of herself, her forehead nestling in the crook of his neck, "--But it does explain why my pheromones didn't work. Before, I mean."

Yes. Yes, it did. It startled her, how easily she could speak of the before without feeling something worse than this.

 

[Rakaan Horne]

Bastion, Kole & Lyn's Apartment, Evening
Comprehension | Interacting with [member="Lynnori Cruz"] ~ Feels Like We Only Go Backwards ~ "Maybe, your feelings don't show."
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It might.

He wasn't going to be capable of accepting this dastardly affect anytime soon. Kole hadn't the slightest of clue as to how long it'd take, if it would ever become something he could rightfully sit with. A Droid? He could only blink it away, close his eyes and hope it all goes away. It never would, and he had to live with it. Had live even been the right time? Exist, had made more sense to Kole. It was this in which consumed his mind, incapable of formulating a verbal response as re-entered that frail state of mind. Reaching his point of breaking.

Kole had so many memories, both joyful and traumatic. It was what defined him, made him who he was. Did he have the right to call himself human, regardless of whatever Lyn claimed? Hell, he didn't know. Did it even matter?

I think, therefore I am.

"I know what's real." He muttered, barely.