Private Know Who You Are

[Asha Sar'andor]

It had not been too long since their guest had left, and Asha remained within the Gardens hoping to clear up a little. It was important to leave a space how it was found, doubly so when it was greenspace - artificial or not. It set a precedent. Made a point.

With most everything back in its place, Asha slumped to the ground and let out a long sigh. She loved hosting, especially when the guest enjoyed tea as much as she did, but as of late most social situations had become particularly draining for her. As much as she tried to hide it, as much as she built up a façade whenever it got too much, whenever it was over she felt as though she could rest for a hundred thousand years and still not be ready to face the next day.

Presuming herself alone. imagining that Cotan would not be back for a while, she sat with her back to one of the tree trunks and glanced over the water in the distance. Her teapot remained by her side though as of yet she didn't touch it, didn't top it up or brew another batch. Sometimes she didn't want to be so serene. Sometimes... She wanted to allow herself time to feel.

And when better than the times she was alone?

With a soft exhale, she dropped her head into her hands and succumbed to it. She was exhausted, she was drained, and her mind could not stop reeling over the events as Lesan. Was it just Lesan though? Sometimes she liked to trick herself into believing the only issues she had to deal with were the present ones, but deep down it was more than that. Most of her day was taken up with tasks and training and meditation and, and, and. Any time she had a moment like this?

Well usually even then she wasn't truly alone. No meditation, no dismissing her thoughts or her emotions, she figured she had a solid thirty minutes or so before Cotan would return, she could face some of it in that time, right?

Then work away the rest of it.

She'd gotten so good at smooshing it down, containing it all.

And that's how it came to be that Asha Hex, sat within one of her most favourite places in the entire Galaxy, the only place she'd ever truly considered her home, head buried in her hands, allowed herself a moment, just a moment, to cry.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

Of course, Cotan hadn't intended to be gone that long at all. With the struggles leading into the day, he needed some nice quiet time in the garden with Asha. Tiland was good company, but it still didn't fill the same void that he'd been left with as he and Asha both had been pulled multiple different directions from each other over the last month, with their varying duties. Still, he'd happily take it over going months or longer with no clue where she was, whether or not she was safe...

But now, he simply needed to spend some time with her, and the light snacks they'd had with Tiland were nowhere near the meal they'd need after the talks were done. He'd exited the garden quickly, flagged down one of the droids he had working on the station, and gave it orders to get some decent food for the two of them from one of the cantinas or restaurants nearby, before stepping right back in...

Only to feel troubled.

Not like he had when the attack on Polis Massa had occurred; he didn't feel nauseous, it lacked that sense that something was deeply, entirely wrong, but he was unsettled. Troubled. It took him a moment to hone in on it, as he exited the temple, and his eyes fell on Asha against one of the trees. Head down, looking more tired than he'd seen her in ages.

Crying.

The worst part was that he wasn't even surprised. He could feel that something had been off with her for days, now, though he'd never had a moment to stop and address it, to figure out what it was. Always too many things happening, the both of them always being pulled the opposite direction from each other. But not now.

Almost silently, he kicked off his own shoes, padding up alongside her, where he kneeled down. He raised one hand and ran it into her hair, gently messing with it.

"Finally broke over, huh?"

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

Thirty minutes.

That was how much time she'd set aside for this little moment of catharsis. Less than that in truth, if she accounted for the fact that she'd need to get cleaned up in order to appear presentable once more. Twenty minutes? Sure... Twenty. Twenty would work.

She'd allowed herself that much. She'd expected to have that much. So she blocked out the rest of the Station, the rest of the Garden around her even, and succumbed to it all.

The last thing she was expecting was to be caught off guard.

The last thing she was expecting was for Cotan to walk back in.

And yet as she gave in, truly gave in, to the grief usually locked deep inside, she felt a hand in her hair, and heard a familiar voice run alongside it. She froze for a moment, despite knowing who it was. Perhaps because of who it was. Froze, and then her shoulders buckled. She tried to sink in on herself, to disappear from view.

How had she been so foolish?

How had she let this happen?

He couldn't see her like this. She'd made a point to never let him see her like this. And yet here they were...

"I'm sorry" she whispered, voice barely strong enough to even be heard. She hastily lifted a hand to try and wipe away the tears, willing those still waiting to fall to remove themselves from existence. "I uh... I thought you were gone."

Did that make it any better for her to be out here crying, after they'd had such a lovely afternoon? Nope, in many ways that made her guilt feel all the worse.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

His free hand shot out, catching the one she went to wipe away the tears with. "Don't apologize," he said sternly. He quickly shifted from a kneeling position to a sitting one, his back against the tree at a diffent angle, before he reached over and pulled Asha to him; legs across his lap, head on his shoulder, wrapped up in his arms. "You should know better than to think you have to apologize for having feelings, Asha," he said more gently, squeezing her shoulders.

But for the moment, he didn't say anything more; he'd hold on to her and let her cry until speak a bit more coherently, rather than try to press any point with her.

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

He stopped her from stopping herself, pulled her close, and if he caught sight of her expression he'd realize she was... stunned. Legitimately, unabashedly stunned. Like it was the last thing she'd expected. Truly she'd been preparing for the worst, she'd expected him to berate her for it, tell her to man up or something of the sort. But no.

Instead he held her.

She crumpled into his arms, and buried her face into his shoulder. Tears she'd tried to refuse to show welled up and ran down her cheeks, and though she still remained quiet about it she sobbed against him.

Cried until she didn't even really comprehend why she was crying anymore. And then some.

And then... Slowly, but surely, she settled. Kept her face hidden in shame against him, but the shaking ceased, and the tears were lessened, and the sobs held back.

Force knew how long it took to reach that stage, though.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"Able to think again?" Cotan asked, reaching up with a hand to brush Asha's hair out of her face once she'd ceased sobbing so much. He would never lie, he certainly did not like seeing her cry, certainly not for as long as she had, but he wasn't going to go out of his way to stop her once she started. She migh've had a better read on him than he had on her, most days, at least through the Force, but he could tell well enough to know when she was bottling something in and holding it back.

It was the case more often than not.

He sighed, still holding her against him. The shame she was feeling, the pain, would all go unmitigated, for the moment. "Asha, we've talked about this," he gently chided. Not telling her off for her crying, like she might have expected, but she'd know what he meant all the same even without his explanation. "We talked about this on Bespin, Asha. Your mind has been an ice sheet covering over a volcanic vent, ready to break at any moment, for days now, and you thought to hide it from me?"

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

Somehow his lack of frustration was even worse.

Instead he just sounded... Disappointed. Exhausted at having to go through this again, something he'd tried to remind her of time and time again, and of which she simply couldn't put her faith in. It wasn't him, it was never about Cotan, it was just...

Well... He probably felt it was him, didn't he?

He brushed the hair from her face, and to counteract it she tried to bury her face further against his arm. Was she ready to talk?

Was she?

Oh, Force, no, she wasn't. But at this rate she never would be. He mentioned Bespin, referred to her by some unexpected metaphor. She swallowed, slunk back just a little from him until her head was supported by her hands and not him. and allowed herself just a moment of quiet. Just a moment...

"I'm trying..." she finally said, voice far more pained than she'd ever intended it to be. Almost a whine, but not the childish sense more the sound of a woman at the end of her rope. Asha was most definitely at the end of her rope, and then some. He wanted more from her, she knew, wanted her to be open and transparent, to be willing to go to him with anything, but it wasn't that easy.

Why couldn't he see it wasn't so easy?

It took her a little bit of extra introspection to draw upon that answer, and when she did she drew back from him a little more. Afraid to even mention it. Afraid of what might happen if she spoke up. Would he walk away?

For a moment she was torn between drawing further back, leaving before he could leave her, or reaching out to keep him there.

She did neither.

So often she did neither.

"This... Isn't easy. I've been making a conscious effort... I promise I have. I just..."

She couldn't look at him. Buried her head back in her hands and hunched over, practically hugging her knees with her elbows for a moment. How to even say it? How to break the ice...

"You've only ever seen me in the better half of my life" she mumbled, finally. "The half of my life after Sargon and -- And Jyn... After they pulled me back together." She paused at that, a frown deepening over her expression though he couldn't see it. Might be he could feel it though, that thoughtfulness, that consideration.

She shook her head.

"You, too... You pulled me back together, and you didn't even know you were doing it." Somehow the more she spoke the more coherent the words became, and the less shrunken she looked. She was still hunched, still hiding, but less contorted. An unexpected development to be sure. "You probably just see me as closed off - I guess you're not wrong. But... I, that's... It's..."

Okay so much for coherent words.

"Being open like that... It's never ended well for me. Jericho, Aell--" No. She couldn't say that name aloud, not to Cotan, it would bring up too many other questions. Even the half formed name had her wincing. "It's not so easy to shake off their reactions, their influences. I'm trying... Cotan, I am trying. You ask me to be open, but whenever I try to all I can picture is how they responded. Father rejected me for it, couldn't stand the sight of me for weeks... And he..." Still no name, still not any easier though was it?

She swallowed, and hugged her legs tighter. Asha couldn't recall if she'd ever had a serious discussion about that time with him. If he knew any more than just the basic idea of her being enslaved for a time. Had she even shared that?

Force, Asha couldn't remember. She tried to blot out most anything to do with that.

"He was cruel and reactive..." That was putting it mildly. The way she shrunk in further on herself, dipped her head down low, expressed as much. In fact, for a moment the girl's hand lifted from her knees and rubbed at her neck, a small mark on the back of it evident with the parting of her hair. No doubt he'd seen many other marks across her body over the years, lashes along her back she'd never wanted to speak on, ugly scars along her thighs, and her stomach. Between Aellin and the attack on Nar Shaddaa, the girl was a mess.

Looked as though she'd seen a thousand battlefields in her time.

She'd never been open with the causes though. She knew that much. Always vague if he'd asked, if he'd pried.

"It's... It's not you, Cotan. It's me. I'm... Broken."

That was certainly one word for it.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"Who isn't?"

The words were so simple. Maybe someone looking in could be deluded into thinking Cotan just had that simple of a view on life and the world, but Asha would know better; she'd know that with him, often the simplest things were the most complicated. He simply had a knack for reducing complicated subjects to simple, intuitive terms. He reached down again, fingers on her chin, and lifted her head up. His jaw was set in an expression of stern determination, one she'd no doubt seen on his face many times, but rarely if ever directed at her.

If even if was directed at her, or if it was directed at what she was saying, what she was feeling.

"You know my past, love. From when we went to Atrisia. But I only have the barest surface details of yours, and even when you say you're trying to open up more...Well. You know the phrase as well as I do." His voice was still quiet and gentle, but she'd never be able to mistake the steel underlying his words. Cotan was never the type to run from a problem; he was the type to address it, to face it head on and figure out what could be done about it. Short of leaving him entirely, there'd be no running from this for Asha, not any more.

His eyes met hers, searching, probing. "Asha, I know how important it is for you to be there for everybody. For me. And you know I appreciate it. But I can not and will not abide how much you keep pulling back from me, not if we're meant to get through any of this together. I don't need somebody to help me keep standing at the end of the day, and right now, with everything going on, I can't handle how much you keep holding back. What I need..."

His jaw set harder. His eyes were nearly glassy, unreadable for the moment.

"It's not about you, or me. It's about us. I need to know you trust me, Asha."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

What could she say?

Truly, in that moment, how could she respond to him? He'd listened, and he'd tipped up her chin so that they were eye to eye - as much as she wanted to avoid his gaze - but she didn't know where to go from there. What did he want her to say? What did he want her to do? Spill it all, speak to the history she'd kept pressed down for so long now?

But there was more to it than that. Her holding back was seemingly having an affect of Cotan too. So much already on his plate... So much to worry about, away from the Station. And now here she was adding to that plate. Giving him more to worry over at home. She should have been a place he could come to to unwind, but right now she was being anything but.

"I... I do trust you" she whispered. She meant it too, of course, but she couldn't see how shutting him out, whatever the reason for it was, could lend itself to seeming otherwise. Trust... It required understanding. True understanding.

And she wasn't giving him anything to understand.

Asha braced herself, then slowly moved out a hand toward him. Took up one of his hands if he'd allow it, as much for strength as for comfort. She was visibly tense, but at least she was sat upright now. Looking at him, as much as she wanted to look away.

"What do you want to know..?"

She didn't even know where she could begin. Did he want it all, unpackaged right there in front of him? And what even was it all, anyway?

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"You already know the answer to that, dear."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

Everything, then?

Everything...

Force. Asha was regretting not brewing the tea now, wasn't she? Her gaze slipped away from his, unsure if she could do both things at once - hold his gaze and speak, one took too much to upkeep the other.

Where to begin? How to begin?

Unaware of how some of her earliest years might have helped to shape and develop her into what she was today, Asha opted to begin with the most obviously relevant. She inhaled a small breath, unsure even if she could make it through the explanation. Maybe simpler was better... Then he could ask questions. Get clarification where he required?

That way she wasn't dredging up everything. Slow and steady... One thing at a time.

"I was fifteen. Jericho and I... We'd always traveled. No real home. Always exploring some world or another, for as long as I could remember. By that point it was nothing new for me to go off on my own, and I really didn't want another trip to Korriban, so... I went to Thule." Somehow she'd managed to say the name of that world without so much as a wince. Deep down, she was almost proud of herself.

Almost.

"There was a man there, he was injured and a storm had started. Dangerous storm... The kind you don't go outside in. So I offered to help him. Well, I was going to offer but he pretty quickly made it clear that he wasn't going to ask." Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Nope, no way she'd be meeting his gaze through all of this. "He was bleeding really bad, I wasn't really paying close enough attention beyond that. Darksider. Like... The real sadistic type you hear horror stories about. He'd already killed everyone else in the building we were in. Expected he'd do the same to me too."

In many ways it might have been a blessing if he had. But she couldn't linger on that, as much as her gaze seemed faraway in consideration of it for a moment. She shook her head, snapping back to the present.

"He didn't. Antagonized me, knocked me around, lashes and cuts," her hand instinctively moved to one of those grizzled scars on her inner thigh, the one currently hidden by her clothes, she didn't seem to notice she was doing it though. "Had me cuff myself. And well, from there I lost two years of my life." She faltered, frown deepening. "I think it was two years. I... I don't really remember."

Inhale, exhale. She wanted to retreat, wanted to avoid saying more, but if she didn't say it now she wouldn't. She'd run from the room and never look back; the man was the only thing keeping her there.

"He brought me to a ship, huge thing.... Full of bodies. Old rotting corpses, skeletons... I don't know it's name, it's just... A durasteel graveyard." That was all it had come to be known by her in the years there and after. "Made me clean it up. Dispose of them. Hated the sounds of horror. Refused to listen to them." Shorter sentences, she'd shorten them further if she could. The less time spent on them the better. "And when that was done... He'd just sit, and ruminate, and plot, and drench himself in the darkness of the nexus. Made me kneel and wait, hours... Whole days just waiting."

Her head hung slightly, and she closed her eyes. That had been the worst part, worse than all the pain and all the horrors. The waiting. The stiff joints which cracked and popped whenever she was able to move again. The times she felt certain she'd keel over from exhaustion, dehydration.

"That's... That's where I learned to Flow-Walk" she admitted, her voice quieter now as though she was telling some great secret. "It was my only respite. My only way out. I started small, trying to find Jericho in the past, but I couldn't reach out to him for help though I tried. In time I found the Je'daii, saw Qae's teachings, and Asha, and the others... And I held onto it. He didn't even seem to notice. Or if he did, he didn't care. What was I going to do? What could I do? A Sith with a giant ship's worth of a battery."

She should have done more than she had, though. Her mind wandered back to the time she had tried. Nope. She pushed that thought right back down.

"I don't.. I don't even know why he kept me. To do the tasks he didn't want to? He had droids, though... They did most of it." That was the worst part. Not understanding it.

"And then... One day he just..." She exhaled, and went back to hugging her knees again. "I'd finally given in, finally succumbed, and so he cast me out. Sent me back into the Galaxy with just the clothes on my back, and..." Hand reached up toward her neck again, sometimes the phantom collar still seemed to linger. "And an unbreakable band of metal around my throat. I felt certain he could see me through it, or hear me, or track me. I don't know if any of that's true, but that's how it seemed."

She dropped the hand, hid her face down.

"I found Jericho on Bakura, with the others. Years... Years had passed. I thought he'd be elated, but he looked right through me. I tried to talk to him, but he shot me down. Looked at me as though I was the scum of the earth, as though I'd somehow chosen to be away from him. Left me there in the dirt."

It was a memory she'd never once been able to shake. For all that Jericho had done since to try and make up for it, she'd never been able to mend the damage done by that day, by that one reaction.

And it was something she was paying for even now. Even as she sat beside Cotan and tried to keep yet more layers from the surface.

"He just saw me as broken and pathetic and weak. Not his daughter. If not for Sargon, I... Well, I don't know what would have happened. I certainly wouldn't have met you, I know that much for sure. But... That's all I see. His disgust, his rejection, the way he walked away and refused to even hear me out. I know you're not him, I know you wouldn't do that, but... There's a small part of me that fears for it all the same."

She swallowed, guilt swirling up through her for even uttering those words. She knew better, and she worried that even suggesting as much would damage Cotan more than she'd realize. But he'd asked... Asked her to be open. So here she was, trying. "Keep it in, keep it quiet, don't show it. Remain serene, in control. Or I'll be rejected, or worse... I'll have it beaten out of me." The latter clearly didn't speak to Jericho, but the other, but sometimes it was impossible to separate the two.

Asha sat there in the aftermath, having said far more than she ever thought she could, and stared at a point in the grass just beyond her toes. She wiggled them, as though hoping to feel something, but numbness had taken root within her.

Was there anything else?

Asha couldn't even think long enough to know. She'd poured as much out as she could, and now she was left tense and concerned for how he might respond.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

Cotan sat silent as Asha finally opened up about her past, one hand still cupping one of her cheeks, though he did let her look away for the time she took to speak. Now, he was able to piece together a name she'd once mentioned to him with the meaning it held; Aellin. The one she'd nearly slipped to say earlier, now that he was actually pressing her to speak, that was what made it so easy to finally draw the connection. And Jericho...

Cotan had long had his thoughts about Jericho Hex. What he'd already known of the man did not fill him with any sort of confidence, and hearing his own part in this sorry tale further cemented that. No, neither name within the history brought anything but rage to the normally-gentle man's heart. Pure, cold-hearted rage, the type that Sith and so many others vaunted above all other passions.

But he wouldn't subject Asha to that, he couldn't subject her to that, he knew. So as she sat, silently, he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb.

"Aellin sought to break you," he said plainly, his voice flat. Even knowing how Asha might react to the name, he said it all the same; if only to make it clear she had nothing to fear from the man any longer. "And Jericho finished the job." His entire opinion on Asha's sire was summed up in those five words; as forgiving as he could often be, in the face of such a betrayal as that Jericho had wrought there was no good will left for the man.

Halketh had killed people. Katherine had killed people, even Romi had killed people, tortured them, they'd each done terrible things. But in the face of it all, even Aellin had the chance to receive more sympathy from Cotan would than Jericho. None of them had reached the point that they were so willing to break every bond of trust they had with those they cared about; and Jericho wasn't even a Sith, hadn't been subjected to the tortures they had been to turn them, forced to bear the twisted teachings and affirmations they gave. No, in that one moment Jericho Hex had proven the epitome of the follies of both Je'daii and Jedi, the same that had risen to the birth of the Sith, breaking people less fortunate than Asha had been.

Cotan lifted Asha's face up again, to meet with his gaze.

"Asha, you know that if you'd never spoken up, if you'd never said anything about this, they would have been truly successful." With his other hand, he squeezed her own, where she'd gone seeking comfort and reassurance. "I'm not going to tell you you're wrong for that fear, but, Asha, you trusted it in fullness, not me. Now you've taken your step away from that, and shown that you're stronger than what they did to you, no matter where you had to reach to find that strength."

He released his grasp of her, only to wrap his arms around her shoulders and pull her back in against him, tightly.

"And I know you know it, but I'm not going to leave you, or turn you away. I love you far too much for that. I'll share in everything of yours, just as you make sure to share in everything of mine, and I still won't let go, whatever it is. You're home for me, Asha, and I won't throw that away."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

She might have cried were she not feeling utterly drained and decidedly hollow. The numbness had truly taken root within her part way through her recollections, and as she hung her head in place she felt certain she'd never claw her way back out of that pit. That it would consume her wholly and turn every ounce of her empathy to apathy.

Cotan's thumb flexed against her cheek, and she closed her eyes and clung to the feeling of it. The accompanying words shook her more than anything she'd uttered that day. Spoken so plainly, all of the fat cut away and rendered obsolete. Finished the job... It was true. Jericho had broken her that day, done away with the last of her childish innocence, that which she had clung to upon the floating graveyard in hopes of remaining herself.

Yet somehow she was here. Sat within this unbelievable garden, within a great station at the center of an impossible rift, alongside one of the only people in the Galaxy who knew the whole truth. One of only two left alive, to be sure...

Before she could dwell on that any further, her head was lifted and some of the spell was broken. When their gazes met and she saw just how much emotion he himself was shutting out, to see the tears burning in his eyes, it was all she needed to feel the walls crumble. Gone was apathy and the numbing sensation. One hand reached out, fingers delicately brushing against his cheek, as more of her own tears tumbled free. In a deep sense she was willing his own to, too. Pleading that he would not hold back as she had for so long. Whether rage or empathy or grief happened to be the root cause, she did not care. Let it out, she said.

Only without words to accompany it.

"It's so encompassing" she whispered, when he spoke of how she'd trusted so wholly in her fears, "It grips me each time I think to speak, or share, or show--" But she'd interrupted, spoken over him, and as her haste to explain herself subsided and she trawled through the words which lingered on the edge of her consciousness, his words, she realized the rest of what had been said.

Cotan wasn't looking for her to excuse herself, explain herself, not in that regard at least. She'd been quick to rise to it though, and now she fell silent. His embrace engulfed her and she leaned against him once more, drawing her hands into a bundle against his chest and curling her fingers into his shirt. It was a place of true comfort, despite how many shirts she'd had to mend or toss whenever he'd come back from the throws of war. A constant even when tattered. It was almost poetic.

And then, in the face of all that had been revealed, he doubled down. There was none of the rejection she had anticipated and feared, no push back. He did not walk away or lash out, he sat there with her and further solidified his presence in her life. Home, he said.

It wasn't a place, as so many were led to believe, not for people like they who were so often wandering. Maybe that was why she'd felt so at ease here, in a place of Cotan's own devising. Maybe it was not the garden at all, but the man behind its existence.

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long" she whispered, resisting the urge to bury her face into his chest and instead peering up at him as best as she could given how full his embrace was. "I love you, Cotan, and I do trust you. With all of me."

It was not a statement she made lightly, yet it was one she meant in totality.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"Don't apologize," he grumbled, her attempts to peer up at him foiled by how tightly he was holding her. "You have it to keep in mind for the future, and you already know I'm going to get on your case about things if I have to, that's enough for me. For now." Now, though, after the story she'd told him—as much as it left him bothered and worried for her, even while relieving one of the much more pressing worries—it had something else acting up. A small crystal down in his pocket, buzzing almost incessantly.

Right. That had been listening to. He loosened his embrace finally, pulling out the kyber crystal and looking at it with a perplexed expression. "Really?" he muttered, before shaking his head and putting it back in his pocket. He could ignore the buzzing for now. "I guess that was listening in, too." He went back to playing with Asha's hair, both to help her relax again and to give himself something to do other than potentially crushing her shoulders. "Try not to be too surprised if some of those scars start to disappear. It's more stubborn than either of us are."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

His grumbling only caused her to try and shift all the more, wanting to get a better look at him despite how tight his hold had become. Comforting, warm, secure... But damn did it keep her from reading his expressions. In that moment, she had a very real, very genuine, need to have some more tangible evidence of all he was saying. If only to set it to memory alongside everything else.

A reminder, for next time things seemed too difficult to share.

Thankfully he soon loosened his embrace of her and she took the moment to slither free, turning slightly so that she better faced him. Only now the expression wasn't directed at her, but a crystal in his hand. One he was... Talking to? A shard, perhaps? Did people talk to non-Shard crystals? Well, Cotan certainly was. Her brows furrowed, and she reached up to wipe away the last remnants of the tears she had shed. Her cheeks felt a little sticky in the aftermath. Funnily enough though the change in conversation seemed to do wonders for her.

She released a long and cathartic exhale, and reached out to take his free hand in hers. The physical touch was nice, soothing, yet he was still able to do his thing with the crystal. Win-win?

In the aftermath Cotan reached for her hair and Asha scooted so that the gap she'd formed trying to get a read on him was no longer present. Her head settled against his shoulder, and she mumbled in satisfaction to the way he played with her curls. Of all the things he'd said and done, that was perhaps the most affirming indicator that he'd meant every word. That he wasn't going to bolt the moment she turned around.

His words regarding the crystal left her a little confused. She rubbed her face into his chest, then peered up a little now that she was more able to do so. Her free hand slipped up and caressed his cheek, fingers playing through his beard the way she often did when she was falling asleep beside him. Not asleep now, of course, as she heard the thumping of his heart against her ear. Merely existing.

"It's... sentient?" That was her first query. The next probably should have been the more pressing, the one she led with. Oh well. "They're going to fade?" Her voice cracked, and for a moment he might have been confused as to whether she thought that was a good thing or not. Certainly she had sounded torn... Tears sprung up anew in her eyes though, and she wrapped her arms tightly around his torso and held him there while they fell. Relief washed over her then, pure and unadulterated relief. A slow removal of all the reminders, of the ever-tense and too-tight scar tissue. Even if it took as many years as she'd lived with them already for them to fade, just knowing it was a possibility was overwhelming.

But in the best possible way.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

He continued to play with her hair while they sat there, the rage her story had inspired melting away from him. Not completely—he could neither forgive nor forget just what had been done to her—but there were far more important things to focus on than what he wanted to do to either Aellin or Jericho, if he ever ran into either; if, indeed, either were still alive. It might have been a cruel, petty thing, to wish upon her father, but...

Hopefully not. For all three of their sakes.

He shook himself from his moment of thought as she asked about the crystal, frowning slightly. "It's Kyber," he replied, as though that was all the answer needed. Surely she'd heard the crystals before? Or felt the echo that was left from the crystal's previous master? But he didn't have time to voice any of those thoughts before she spoke again, wrapping herself around him just as tightly as he'd held her before. Evidently, she hadn't, or she'd just assumed it was him, back on Bespin.

"They'll do more than fade." Indeed, most of the scars he'd sustained during his tenure of imprisonment under Lord Mythos had disappeared entirely. The crystal, or the echo, or both had been insistent on that; it took more force of will to convince it not to touch the ones he'd earned in battle than he'd had to use to defend his mind from Halketh on Coruscant. "Quickly, too, if you meditate with it. It has a beyond firm opinion on such things." He smirked. "You might even say its got a stony disposition."

He glanced up from her, back in the direction of the entrance to the garden, as he heard the door open and the droid he'd sent to find their food walk in. "Care to let me grab our dinner, love? I won't be gone but a moment, and I'll make sure to lock the door so it's just us in here for the night."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

Meditate with it?

If there was one thing Asha Hex could do, it was meditate. Even as she had that thought though, a soft frown overcame the woman's expression. Hex. Somehow that word had been utterly soured over the years, but never more fully than in the aftermath of all she'd said. Having actually spoken the words aloud, having confronted it in a way as opposed to just thinking about it, she'd realized just how much it had messed her up.

She shook her head, and then managed a small smile. "Meditate I can do" she whispered. Could she really be rid of the scars? Just like that? Well, it had worked for her face hadn't it?

Asha groaned at his mention of dispositions and their stoniness, and then squeezed him ever so slightly, nestling her head in closer. Even when as she heard the door open, and realized that the moment was about to end.

Force, she didn't want it to end.

Cotan asked that he free himself for a moment, and after a little bit of reluctance on her end Asha obliged, unwrapping her arms from around him and shuffling back to give him room to move. When he stepped away she lay back in the grass and rested an arm over her eyes. There was a small urge to scream bubbling up within her, though she couldn't for the life of her figure out why exactly that was.

At least if she gave in to that urge it'd just be the two of them who heard it. That was something of a relief. Not that she would, of course, but it was nice to know they could simply exist in there for the evening. It wasn't as though she wanted to move anyway.

When the man eventually returned, as he inevitably would, she turned her head toward him with a semi faraway look in her eye. "I don't want to keep using the name Hex" she said all at once, with more firmness to her tone than any other thing she'd said that afternoon. Evening? Did time even matter on a station in space? "You think it'd be weird if I was just... Asha?"

She'd gone by Nyerie for a time, but that was reminiscent of her mother and frankly she didn't have the patience for that side of her family either. Abandoned on both ends of the spectrum... Joy.

At least she'd gone out of her way to forge one for herself though. Cotan, Rhia, Kiss. Heck she even had Matey now. That was something, right? That was enough.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

Of course, being only one man Cotan hadn't exactly prepared for the feast the droid would bring back for him and Asha. Some of the combination choices it had made seemed a bit...odd, as well, to say the least. But droids weren't exactly known for eating food. As it was, he'd had to have it set everything down so that he could override the entrance to the garden and keep it locked for the rest of the night, before slowly bringing everything along back to Asha. It was only about halfway back that he cursed to himself, remembering that he could just...

Some of the items floated away from his hands, following along like docile pets, before zooming ahead to start laying out in the space he and Asha had been in. First, a large blanket to cover the ground—no clue where the droid had gotten it, but it was clean, and beyond that he didn't much want to ask—before everything else. Roasted Chando peppers, mashed chokeroot, braised Shaak roast, Tiingalar, and some Mustafarian lava rolls. "That's the last time I'll let a droid set up a picnic," he grumbled, though he had a small smile on his face. At least he liked all the foods presented.

What did manage to wipe that smile away and replace it with a frown, though, was what Asha said next. "Not really," he replied after a moment of thought. "There've been quite a few people through history getting by on a mononymic basis. Yoda, Yaddle, Shayoto, Zsinj, just to name a few." He almost wanted to reply with 'Ma'am, this is a Windu's,' but he honestly doubted that his usual brand of humour was what she needed for the moment. Besides, cutting out the Hex part only suited him all too well. Cut out Jericho entirely, make some empty space, maybe get ready to add a new name eventually...

"Careful with the stew. I think I know where the droid went to get all this, and it's bound to be spicy." And if she couldn't handle the spice, the bottle of wine the droid had grabbed them certainly wouldn't help. Some sort of average, Alderaanian country wine...probably likely to have a bit of spice on the palate as well, although it'd go well with the roast, for sure.

Cotan stopped. Blinked at the thoughts just going through his head.

The time to push Asha into opening up had passed, and now it was a good time to start easing back into their normal humour, though not diving right into it immediately. With that in mind: "So, Just Asha, can you help me figure out when I became a wine critic? Because I think I just put way too much thought into what the droid got for us to drink."

Asha Hex

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

It didn't take too long before a blanket drifted over to their spot in the garden and settled itself down like some tired magic carpet. Asha didn't move at first, remaining where she lay, but as the scents wafted up from their takeout containers she couldn't help but shuffle closer, rolling onto her side at first and then pushing up into more of a seated position. Tantalizing, it all smelled so good. Filled to the brim with spices she hadn't tasted in a long time.

Her stomach growled, and thoughts of the past all but evaporated as Cotan joined her in all his smiling-yet-grumbly goodness.

"I don't know" she retorted, of the droid, "Seems like a fun spread to me, love." Stretching out her limbs like a cat basking in the sun, Asha shook her head and dismissed the last of the somberness from her mind. Still a little numb, and her face definitely needed a good wash, but... It was just her, and Cotan, and that was all she could ever ask for out of the Galaxy.

"Spice is good," she assured him, before snapping her gaze toward him with a careful glare as he threw a joke name her way the same as she'd done with Arlo Renard back on S'krrr. "No, no way, we're not doing that..." Asha chuckled, and then shuffled closer to Cotan. For all the space they had in the vast expanse of the gardens, she found she didn't want to sprawl out. Nope, she wanted to be as close as was comfortable while remaining possible to eat.

"I take it it's not your preferred choice in wine?" she inquired, reaching up to run a hand through his beard. He'd always been particular about his wines... For her part, Asha didn't rightly care. She'd never been one for drinking, though she did enjoy the pairings he often decided on.

Cotan Sar'andor

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"No, it's a good pairing for the roast, just..." He peered over at Asha. Did he really go over the entire thought process that led to that point? The taste profile of the wine, where it was from, how it could work well with the roast but might clash with the stew...of course, that was almost just as much because of the stew clashing with the rest of the spread. Maybe the rolls, as well, though they probably weren't enough on the sweet side to count as dessert. Probably still good as just dinner rolls.

He fell silent, quickly calculating how best to tackle the meal with the one outlier that was the tiingalar, before remembering he needed to finish his thought for Asha. "I think it's the stew, throwing me off. That stew and this wine don't exactly go together nicely, but neither does the stew and the rest of the spread." There she was, playing with his beard again. She enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed playing with her hair, it seemed.

He almost wished it was just the two of them and the bottle of wine, but after their earlier conversation, that might be a bit too much. "Well. How about we start with the stew? I can get us some drinking water from inside the foyer, save the wine for the main course, and we can start trading stories about what we've been up to lately, or if you don't have much, I at least have some for you. Sound good?"

Asha Hex