Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Private Knockin' on Heaven's Door

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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik held the empty dish loosely in one hand as his footsteps echoed through the stairwell that led back toward the suite Quinn had once offered him as a temporary home. He had not stayed long, but the arrangement had mattered more than its length suggested. His arrival on Dromund Kaas had pleased her, and her invitation to let him stay until his own quarters were ready had been offered easily enough that refusing it had never truly crossed his mind. He had accepted without much hesitation, even if his reasons were not entirely uncomplicated.

Living in such close proximity to her had revealed things he had not noticed when he was still a student at the academy. Distance had a way of smoothing over details. Familiarity sharpened them. He had seen the rhythms of her day, the way she carried herself when no one was watching closely, and the difference between how she regarded him and how he once hoped she might.

Had it changed anything for him.

No.

Aerik refused to let his aspirations drift too far where Quinn was concerned. He understood, at least on some level, that he was likely setting himself up for disappointment, but he decided he was still young enough to remain willfully ignorant of how one sided his feelings were, or at least partially ignorant. This visit, he told himself, was not about that, no matter how convenient the lie felt.

What had drawn him back to her quarters were events that had recently transpired. She had cooked for him, an act that still sat warmly in his chest, and then she had walked into something she should never have had to witness. Skadi should never have been in his quarters under those circumstances, and Irina should never have turned on Skadi the way she had. The aftermath had been exhausting. Requisitioning repair droids, restoring the space, and erasing visible signs of the altercation had taken far more effort than he cared to admit, all so the apartment would appear untouched.

Words had been exchanged in the process, words that caused Quinn to retreat behind walls Aerik had not known were still standing. He was not accustomed to distance from her. Whatever tension existed between them before had never felt like separation. Even the night she had used him to draw the attention of another woman had carried an unexpected closeness, one that allowed the barrier between them to drop. Aerik found himself resenting how quickly a single sentence had rebuilt it.

He had never been drawn to Quinn because of her position or title. His interest had always been rooted in who she was, not what she represented. Whatever Irina had damaged in that moment was something Aerik felt responsible for repairing. Confronting the fiery Sith herself would have to wait.

He stopped in front of Quinn’s door and knocked, the sound hollow in the quiet corridor.

“Quinn… it’s me.”

He did not wait long. Habit took over, and he opened the door and stepped inside the way he had countless times before. She had always said her door was open, and he had never needed an invitation before.

“Quinn… you around?”

 
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//: Aerik Lechner Aerik Lechner //:
//: Attire //:

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Her world behind closed doors was sacred. No one ever breached those moments. It could be out of fear or something more deeply profound. Though on occasion she would let slip those moments, and a lucky few got to see the Quinn that hid under the titles and the beautiful dresses. Some of them are also the ones that have cut her the deepest.

Aerik was familiar with the layout of her space. Easily, he would cross through the small open kitchen, pass the door to her bedroom, and another one for her office. The artificial light would be dimmed, mirroring a late afternoon in her small library study. In the corner, a pair of pastel, pale yellow headphones would be over her head as she buried her nose in a Lady Velvet novel.

She hadn't heard him, but in the back of her mind, she could feel him. As much as the Councilor wanted, she couldn't erase the small connection that they had built up. A part of it, she felt guilty; she could see the small moments of affection from him. Her life would probably be easier if she could feel the same way for him, but Aerik was her student, and for things out of his control, she could never see him in that light.

As he drew closer, she peered over the top of the book and watched as he rounded the corner. Perhaps she should have taken the time to change; she had just freshened up after a visitor and was only relaxing in a robe.

But she felt that after everything, he might have seen it as an outright rejection if she had asked him to wait. So, instead, Quinn exhaled softly, doing her best to keep her composure. Returning to where they were headed would take time, but his gesture of reaching out would prove to help mend the bridge that had been burned by neither of their actions.

Irina had blown up whatever progress she had made with her own issues. It was easy to pretend they weren't there; alas, the truth was told.

Quinn carefully pulled off her circular, thin-rimmed glasses and closed her book. Placing them on the shelf beside where she sat, she stood, hands quickly closing the loosened robe and tying the belt around her waist.

"Oh, hello Aerik, good to see you," she smiled. It wasn't the same smile she'd given him only weeks prior. Her lips were tight as she did so, and her arms folded over her chest as she sighed softly.

"What brings you here? Did you need something?"
 

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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik wandered through Quinn’s quarters wondering if he had somehow caught her when she was gone. Duty kept her busier than she had been during the days he lived with her as his quarters were being prepared. The pup could walk them blindfolded, and perhaps he should have because when Quinn stood Aerik saw a lot more of her than he had expected to see,

He quickly turned as she tightened the belt around her robe and waited for her to say hello. Her smile greeted him, though it was colder than he was used to. She was being formal despite her appearance and his continued access to her quarters. His heart sank, but he did his best to not let it show. He doubted he would be able to hide it from an Echani, and the Echani which taught him how to read movement as though it was his native language.

His need for stoicism demanded he try even though it would be futile.

“I uhh…” he reached out to offer her the container she had brought the food over in. “I washed it, and wanted to return it. It hit the spot like always.”

He smiled in return, though it did not reach his eyes, not the way Quinn knew. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, there had been a shift that day in his apartment. Irina had not meant to wound, but her words had done far more damage than what had been witnessed in his quarters. Aerik knew he had been fooling himself to think he had any chance of actually being with Quinn. There were many reasons why, some more obvious to him than others. That did not change the fact something of a kinship existed between them.

It was beyond the simple boundaries of friendship. They had left professional behind a long time ago. Aerik and Quinn were familial in many ways, and for there to be a wall where one had never been, but rarely, felt wrong.

His arm stayed extended until she took the dish. It seemed as though he stood there for a lot longer than he probably had. Even now she tried to keep the distance between them, and Aerik only felt his heart sink further.

He swallowed hard. It was loud in his ears, and had Quinn been the same species as him it would have been for her too. Whatever restraint he commanded over the subtlety of his feelings on the situation between them had crumbled.

“I’ll leave you to your book then…”

Aerik turned to leave. He successfully took several steps before he suddenly became angry with the situation and turned around.

“You know what, no, this is not fair,” he said with an almost commanding voice. This was the first time Aerik recalled actually coming across as though he were her equal even though they were far from it. “You shut me out. ME. I know what Irina said hurt. It was not fair. I could see you putting a wall up where she is concerned, but to throw that wall up with me…”

Aerik recovered the steps he had taken.

Quinn… when have you ever not been… just Quinn to me? When have I ever seen you as just your titles? How could I considering how much… I... I...”

He knew the remaining words would also be futile in a way. She could never return what he felt, and Aerik knew it, even if he wished differently.

His voice fell to almost a whisper.

“It’s me Quinn… you did that to me?”

 
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Her shoulders relaxed. It seemed they were going to avoid the confrontation that she had assumed was coming. Though she might have relaxed far too soon, seeing that Aerik took a step and then turned back towards her.

She didn't move, letting him have his moment. He was upset, and Quinn knew why; it was apparent even during their conversation at his place. But she didn't entertain the conversation there; instead, she did it here.

It didn't take her being Echani; she could tell. The way his body tensed, relaxed, and moved. It felt like he wanted to grab her, hold her in a way to bring her closer. They had a boundary, and despite Aerik wanting to break it, he didn't. At least he was better in that sense.

He was hurt, and she was as well. But between them, she had a position to hold, despite her feelings — she had to retain stability.

"Are you finished?" She quietly asked. Quinn didn't enjoy having him enter her space, only to yell at her about his feelings. There was no understanding of the position she was put in…

No one understood it.

"Irina's words hurt, yes, but I'm not a child, and I shouldn't act like a child." She put the dishes onto the small table beside her book. Her arms remained crossed over her chest as she let her eyes take him in.

He had grown; he wasn't the pup she remembered drawing on the margins of his assignments. He wasn't the pup that would stumble and fall during training, only to get back up and try even harder.

Aerik wasn't a pup.

She needed to stop treating him as such.

"Irina just reminded me of my position, what my responsibilities are. Why I don't belong in your pack. I can't be what you want." She shook her head.

"As much as I want peers, friends, the youth that you get to experience, I never had that, and I will never have that." Her voice sharpened slightly, but under the edge was a hint of sadness.

"Aerik, I understand your frustrations. I want to let you back in — but…"

Words were hard, but she knew he could understand. She had taught him as well as others.

Clearing her throat, she moved closer, a hand reaching out gently to caress the side of his face, along the strength of his jaw. Her touch was soft, almost timid, showing the fear she had of letting him in, of letting anyone in. Too many times before this, she was hurt, used, and left.

When her usefulness was done, she was abandoned.

When they couldn't gain what they wanted from her, she was left.

When she realized their lies, she was slandered.

No one stayed.

Her life was not her own, and she knew that.

The touch was desperate to just be seen for something basic… to be seen as someone with nothing to offer but themselves.
 
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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

Aerik wished he could have ignored it all. It would have been a lot easier if he could allow himself to remain fixated on the age when it was just a school boy crush and the complexities of their lives had to teach the pup a lesson he never wanted to learn. Quinn would always be someone close to him which was why the abruptness of the way in which she slammed a wall between them and withdrew was painful.

He listened to her. The rebuke was clear though she never actually said it. Aerik was not a child either, and he did not need to act like one. Was he being childish, or was he just confronting a wrong? Did he have a right to feel that way?

Aerik searched his feelings to be sure they were in the right place before deciding to confront the matter any further. He could have kept them in check, but Quinn’s words only stirred something else. For the life of him he could not understand why she had to continue to push away when he was offering her the one thing she had wanted for as long as he knew her.

To belong.

“You don’t know what I want, Quinn.”

This had nothing to do with what he felt for her, or had at some point. The pup was both curious and confused as to what those feelings truly were. A word could be used to describe them, but that one word was so nuanced he didn’t really know what that meant. As a child he was certain, but recent events had taught Aerik that there was more to love than what the stories said about it.

She wanted to let him back in, but…

Quinn stopped talking, but her movements shifted. There was a lot to be said that words would never express. She had taught him to read the subtle changes in body language. His uncanny ability to hear told him her heart and breathing were fighting to remain calm. The hand on his cheek was comforting, but declarative.

She did not want to hurt him. She wanted him to understand.

The pup smiled. She would feel the muscles in his jaw pull and his skin stretch as his fiery eyes locked onto the emeralds staring back at him. They were searching him in the same way he was searching her. Quinn was afraid and fragile. This was a side of her Aerik did not know. It should not have made him smile, but she was being honest in a way she had never been with him before. He took in a deep breath as his hand came up to hers. Aerik leaned into her touch.

“There she is.”

He did not understand the language of the Echani well enough to say what he saw. His lessons had been good, and the pup was always a model student even if he used to doodle. Lecture bored him, but action kept him engaged in the subject matter. The Echani arts were about movement, but the subtleties of it were something he still had a difficult time grasping. Still, for Quinn he wanted to try.

Aerik took one step in. His posture was confident, but open and vulnerable. He dropped the frustration. His eyes closed, and when he opened them again all they would say was…

“I see you.”

That was the truth. Aerik had always seen her. There were times when he had seen what wanted, or at least hoped, but the unspoken boundary that existed between them had been one he never had broken, or even tried. The closest the pair had ever come was a ball on Naboo, but she had pulled him in. He let the memory pass. There was something off about it, but nothing that gave away to Aerik what had really happened that day.

Aerik took a step away from her. This was not because he was leaving or pulling away, but an acknowledgement of her fear. His free hand rotated slightly even as his arm hung loose. It faced her with an open palm communicating exactly that. He was open to her, and he was there. The pup was not going to go anywhere because whether she wanted to accept it or not, she was still part of the pack he had formed. Quinn did not get to make that choice for him. His feelings, the boyhood crush, there was no obligation to return that, but she held a place in his life that would always be and remain important.

The corner of his mouth tugged a little further before the smile faded.

He spoke once more, a question he had asked her then when Irina and Skadi had been in the room. Quinn had left before she could answer, so he asked again.

“When have you ever been anything but Quinn to me?”

 
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//: Aerik Lechner Aerik Lechner //:
//: Attire //:

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He leaned into her touch. It was the first step, but he was missing part of what she was saying. He relished in her touch, a moment that had only happened when they had danced — when she taught him, used him. A whisper of guilt lingered at the end of her fingertips; she didn't want to do that to him. Because she always knew how he looked at her.

Even as a boy, she could see his admiration. That admiration grew into affection and longing — something that could never be reciprocated.

Her guilt grew.

His question was the one she actively avoided. It was a question with an answer that would only hurt him. She had never been anything… but Quinn to him.

But she needed to be. She needed to be seen as a teacher, someone who was untouchable and beyond his reach. The woman whose affections lingered on was a Councilor, a Princess… a curse.

Everything she was would only cause him pain, even if he could be an object of her affection. Aerik was someone she couldn't have, even if she wanted him. She could feel the way his face moved, how his eyes watched her, trying to find any semblance of what he searched for. Any inkling of returned affection, even if he had accepted the impossible.

Someone else had looked at her like this, that soft stare, that quiet lingering… it turned dangerous… sour and angry. His eyes turned hollow when they looked at her, and she lost someone she had considered an honest friend.

Ambition and desire were horrible things… they terrified Quinn.
Her fear, worry, and concern lingered with her touch; it trailed along his jaw, tenderly, affectionately.

"Never," she whispered. Her lips curled into a half smile as she sighed with a hint of amusement.

"I've always been just Quinn with you, and while I've appreciated it," she stepped back, her hand falling from his face. The distance began to return between them.

"I shouldn't be though," Another step back as she let her eyes linger on his face, looking for his reaction, waiting to see the adoration disappear. Like the others, she waited for his gaze to become hollow… dark…

"Your friend was right, and it's foolish of me to reach so desperately like I was." She smiled.

"You can ask your Master... or your Father — if you cherish your own peace, your own life…" She shook her head and smiled softly at him.

"You'll keep me, treat me as something beyond your reach."

She was a pretty tool, a weapon primed for use at any moment. Attachment to her would only cause strife and pain — so many others have already paid the price or felt the debt of being near her.

Quinn couldn't bring Aerik into that world.
 
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WEARING: xxx | TAG: Quinn Varanin Quinn Varanin

“Never.”

It was the only answer she could give. Aerik had known it before he ever asked the question, and yet hearing it spoken still carried weight. His hand reached for the vacant place on his jaw where her finger had just traced. For a fleeting moment he allowed himself to imagine what could be if she could ever return the feelings he offered. Part of him had always known there would always be a boundary they could not cross. Perhaps that was why he never forced the issue or tried to cross it himself.

She was Quinn. That was enough.

It had to be.

Her words confused him. The distance she placed between them with her actions and the subtle changes of her body did not. There was a clarity in that. Aerik had stepped back before rather than step forward because he knew they had to maintain a certain distance. What she asked of him now, however, was too much.

They both knew it.

She was trying to protect him, perhaps even herself. There was a sense that she was trying to preserve what they could have without causing him too much pain. A sad smile pulled faintly at his lips as the pup realized what it was she was doing, or trying to do.

Quinn was pulling away.

Something changed in him. Aerik should have backed away. Whether it was confidence working in him or a small measure of defiance, Aerik refused to let her advice be the final word on the matter. This was not about forcing feelings she did not share. The pup was not confronting the fact that he was in love with her and she was not in love with him. He was in her apartment because Aerik refused to lose someone who had not only been close to him, but someone who was important to him.

His gaze did not turn from her. The fire in his eyes did not fade. Instead it grew more intense, more determined. She was not going to be rid of him so easily, and Aerik refused to simply accept that this was how things had to be.

“I do not want peace, Quinn. I want you.”

The statement was as blunt and bold as Aerik had ever dared to be. It was only amplified by the single step he took toward the Echani. The way his muscles tensed and relaxed did not change from the previous moments they shared. His movements questioned her logic.

Why must it be that way?

He challenged her, inching closer to the line he was determined not to cross. Could she not see that he was not after what she could be, could offer, or could make him? Aerik was only interested in keeping the only other person besides his sister Vyra who knew how to get past masks and see deep into his soul with just a glance. It was not fair, but Quinn disarmed the pup too easily, and he allowed it.

“I am not a pup anymore, Quinn. I am not the child that used to draw on my assignments to get your attention. I have seen war, and I will see it again. Warn me. Tell me you are dangerous. Try to keep me safe, but do not make the decision for me.”

Aerik likely should not have pressed. His mind raced with the thought that he might have made the wrong movement. He began to second guess whether the subtlety of his body language was communicating what he meant. Nothing went dark. His adoration did not fade. The way he looked at Quinn did not go hollow. She would see it, the one thing he could not hide.

He was afraid.

Aerik was afraid of losing her.

“I am here, all of me. I am offering you the one thing you have wanted for as long as I have known you, with no strings attached. I am not asking you to love me. I am only asking that you do not push me away, Quinn.”

His plea was not emotional, at least not in the way his words might have suggested. It was offered in a matter of fact way. She could see behind his mask, even if he guarded the emotion that made his heart beat so loudly in his chest that Quinn could likely hear it herself.

 

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