It's Getting Crowded

[Sam Paige]

"Half an hour? I think? I'm sorry, I wasn't-" she stopped, shoulders hunching a little more. She hadn't been paying that much attention when she'd been threading through the crowds, so she wasn't entirely certain how long it had taken her to get from the ship to the lifts down.

"Sorry," she apologized again, clearly miserable.

"If-if that's too long. And y-you need to go. Um. I understand. And if your friend- I mean, if I'm in the way. I can. You know. Wait outside. I don't. Um. I don't want to be any trouble."

Take up as little space as possible, and no one could hurt you. Give them an out, be okay without their attention and help, and there was no disappointment when they left. Couldn't be disappointed if she didn't expect anything.

She turned the mug around and around in her hands. It surprised her a little when not only did [member="Benedict Ortega"] not interrupt her stammered reply, but that he didn't answer at all right away. Which made her a different kind of nervous entirely. Had she offended him? Maybe-

Oh.

"Thank you," she said, suddenly not remembering if she'd already said it. Be polite, everything would be fine if she was polite. "Um. I don't- I didn't catch- I mean. My name is Sam, I'm sorry I- I should have said sooner."

 

[Hira Mitsae]

Benedict looked everywhere except at the lady on the other side of the table.

Not even when she was speaking, but that didn't mean that he wasn't paying attention, because he was. It was simply that... Ben didn't know how to handle this situation... at all.

What to say?

How to say it?

There wasn't anything that had prepared the man for this kind of situation and Ortega was already cursing the fact that Chris had left her with him. She was better at this sort of stuff, the socializing, the making things easier with a single touch and a few soft words spoken at just the right time.

"I did what everything should do in my situation, Sam." Dom didn't have much faith in sentients, from experience he knew that they were crappy people for the most part. "My name is Benedict Ortega and you do not need to apologize very few moments, you know?"

Now Ben did look over to her.

"You have done nothing wrong, instead you were the one wronged."

He rubbed his temple, before brushing his hair back slightly. It was more an in-between-action to give him some room to think and navigate in this situation.

"I will stay with you for as long as you need, I do not think you should be alone right now, unless you want to be."

[member="Sam Paige"]

 

[Sam Paige]

"Paige," she supplied, then realized that might be unclear. "Sam Paige. I mean. Sor-"

She stopped, face turning red as she caught herself. It was such an ingrained habit that she barely noticed that she did it- which made stopping doing it all the more difficult.

"Um. I don't want to. You know. Argue with you, Mister Ortega," she said, face turning a deeper shade of scarlet. "But. Um. No one else did. Do. What you did, I mean. So. I know. I mean. I'm not stupid? No one else. You know. Did. Anything? So. Yeah. I don't think it's just something anyone would do. I'm going to say 'Thank you."

It was, as far as Sam went, positively forceful. At least, as forceful as she got about most things. It took certain circumstances to bring that out, but despite the outward appearance and vibe, Sam Paige was not actually a push over.

"So. Thank you. For helping. And for staying now. I-I really appreciate it."

In truth, she was absurdly relieved that he wasn't going to leave. The idea of waiting there completely alone was panic inducing.

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

She received a nod after her last name as a way of acknowledgement without verbal interruption.

Mostly, because Benedict was getting the feeling that she wasn't used to people actually... listening to her or letting her finish speaking at any rate. That would explain some parts of the way she spoke anyway, the way she stopped every two moments as if Sam was already expecting to be halted in her talk half-way through. But once the words had stopped flooding in and once another glance was spend to ensure there wasn't more to come?

"Should, not would, miss Paige." Benedict pointed out gently after another moment. "I fully realize most sentients are not worth a damn, but I hold them to the same standard I hold myself."

Sadly more often than not they fell short by a wide margin.

"Either way, you are quite welcome. What do you do for a living, if I may ask?" Asking her once again how she felt was probably only going to remind her of what had happened. Perhaps it would be better if he simply tugged her attention along and aside from the events, instead focusing on... talking?

Maybe that would help.

 

[Sam Paige]

Normally, Sam didn't prefer to talk about herself if she could avoid it. The idea of being in the center of someone's attention was actually kind of terrifying and she'd rather listen while someone else talked. But right now she was simply so relieved after the near incident that the usual anxiety that went with this kind of give and take interaction seemed muted in comparison. It wasn't, in this moment at least, so bad.

"Oh! Um. I'm a mechanic. I mean. I don't make money off of it or anything. Just. Um. I mean, maybe I'm not, I haven't gone to school or anything for it? I don't know if I can, you know, call myself one if I didn't."

By the time she'd gotten to the end of the sentence, she was half talking to herself as much as to him. The fact that Sam assumed the only way to be a mechanic was to go to school for it was actually telling. This was someone who had been educated, and who moved with the kind of people who didn't consider a hands on, learned trade, something as worthwhile as white collar work. Sam herself didn't feel that way- she had been almost shyly proud when she'd said she was a mechanic- but enough history built up beneath that to make her doubt if she was a 'real' mechanic.

She didn't see herself as brilliant- everything she had learned was self taught, taking things apart and putting them back together. She could read an engine the way some people could read body language. But still there was doubt that she was actually any good, and actually deserved to be claiming it as her own.

"W-what do you do?" She asked, something to get the attention off of herself again as she grappled with the uncertainty of if she had a right to claim a profession at all, if she wasn't getting paid for it.

Not that, in truth, she needed to be.

[member="Benedict Ortega"]

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

It seemed to be a reoccurring trend with Sam - she'd say something, before deeply thinking about it and then internal mechanisms caught hold of her insecurities, her doubts and fears. They acted and stalled out everything that could come after, instead they made her doubt herself and her actions. There wasn't much to be done about it. That was what Benedict assumed anyway, he wasn't a psychologist, he didn't know anything about... dealing with people.

Especially those that needed extra measure of attention.

"Some of the finest mechanics I know have taught themselves. It's an achievement, not something to be ashamed about." Maybe that would help a little bit?

In his experience education could be a boon, could assist and help with development, but it wasn't something that... if you didn't have it, would automatically mean the end of the world. Especially with subject matters that was as much about affinity as it was about learning things out of your head.

"Soldier, used to be anyway." Ben responded after a moment of thought, before shrugging. "Served with the New Jedi Order of the Alliance for a few years, but recently... decided to follow a different path."

One that wasn't held back by fear and indecision.

But Ortega doubted that Sam would be much interested about that, so he didn't elaborate.

 

[Sam Paige]

"R-really?"

It not only made her feel a little better, but it piqued her interest as well. She actually looked up at him, lifting her face and absently pushing her glasses farther up her nose. She smiled at him while he continued, for a brief instant, shy but bright. And then it vanished behind red hair again before she spoke.

"My gram was a Jedi," she said, a little bit of a smile and fondness in her voice, less of the stutter. "She tells the best- the best stories. I admire her. A lot. When I was younger, I kind of wished....." she trailed off, turning a bit red and shaking her head.

When she'd been little, the idea of being a Jedi like her, of hunting down Sith and bringing them to justice, well, it was everything she'd ever dreamed of. But she knew she wasn't brave enough to follow in her footsteps. Her grandmother was an amazing, courageous woman- self assured and utterly fearless. Everything that Sam wasn't.

Which she was not about to tell to [member="Benedict Ortega"], no matter how nice he seemed. Just the idea of sharing all of that was distressingly anxiety inducing.

"If- if it's okay to ask- what- what do you do now?"

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

Benedict went from amusement to surprise.

The last thing that the man had been expecting was to find a woman who had Jedi in her family. Her grandma, so it was a few generations down the road, but it was still surprising to say the least. She was saying something and then... trailed off, embarrassed? It was difficult to say what with her hair obscuring most of her face - not that Ben was really that good at reading expressions, but it still would have helped him somewhat.

"I realized that the Alliance wasn't doing enough to fight against the dark side, the Sith, all of them." A shrug of the shoulders followed. "Nobody seemed to be willing to take the first step to do something about it, so I figured... why not me?"

There was more to it than that, of course.

A few words from a mentor he trusted, the alignment of situations pushing him towards the brink and then the subtle realization that he wasn't alone in this particular opinion of his. It would be difficult, he had been warned, it would take every single shred of his energy, will and focus, but they told him that this was the only way to make sure the Alliance would stay safe.

He agreed.

"What did you wish, miss Paige?"

 

[Sam Paige]

His question got lost in the rush of excitement as Sam's head whipped up. Blue eyes shone ​behind the flash of her glasses.

"That's what we're doing!" She said excitedly. The fact that it was an almost normal volume was the equivalent of excited shouting for her. Her hands came off of her cup, then went back, then came off again in a tiny flap.

"I mean. Not me, exactly." Whether she was supposed to talk about the Vigil or not didn't really enter her mind in that moment.

"Um, but, that's what my friends are trying to do."

Speaking of certain subjects, engines, mechanics, ships, and now, apparently, fighting darksiders, oddly enough, Sam stuttered a lot less. One of these things was not like the other, and while Sam had no practical experience in it, she'd been raised drinking in the stories of the only woman who would give her the time to speak, and the attention that the girl had otherwise been lacking. They had settled in her mind, as young as she could remember, and shaped things that, until recently, she had never thought would see the light of day.

But now?

"I'm- I'm just the mechanic. I keep the ship running. Usually," she muttered to the side, mostly to herself. The Messenger, after all, was an old ship. "But the others? They..... they're amazing. Brave and strong and not willing to just sit by while the Sith just take whatever they want."

The admiration in her voice was clear, despite returning to quieter tones. She spoke more swiftly, with greater confidence, at least for now. And then-

"I'm.... I'm not a fighter. Or anything like that. I'm not brave *or* strong. But I can keep the ship flying under them. And that.... maybe that can be good enough, you know?"

[member="Benedict Ortega"]

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

It was an entirely different Sam Paige by the looks of it.

This one was bold and excited and eager for her role in the structure and Benedict couldn't help but wonder what he could do, to keep her this confident and strong throughout it all. But then the volume started to dim and dim, until it was still slightly harder than the usual pitch, but noticeably less firm than the one it had before. But at least Ortega now saw that it was there.

Even if it was hidden beneath layers and layers and layers.

"It's good there are other people who fight the Sith and the Darkside. A tough fight, difficult war, but someone has to do it." Benedict nodded, before shaking his head slightly at her earlier remark.

"We all have our roles to play. Some fight, some make sure that the ones who fight can fight in any way they can."

It was almost impossible to envision a war or skirmish without the assistance and support of people like her. Who made sure they got where they needed to be, who could fix things to proper order, who could heal or spy or do thousands of other tasks that were instrumental to the effort. "Do not sell yourself short, miss Paige, I haven't known you for a long time, but I respect what I see."

"You wished to become a Jedi then?" It just popped into his head, while realizing the tone of awe previously and the way she had spoken of her friends.

This one was a fighter at heart, even if her brain and upbringing were keeping her from rising up to it.

 

[Sam Paige]

"We all have our roles to play. Some fight, some make sure that the ones who fight can fight in any way they can."

Sam nodded, looking down to her lap again at that, but it was clearly an unsatisfied nod. But then he continued and she looked back up. Her cheeks turned red, and she smiled again, that fleeting flicker of embarrassed pleasure before it disappeared again.

"Thank you," she mumbled, but she was clearly pleased by the compliment.

But then she got quiet. And again there came a nod. There was a certain chagrin, a regret in the pull of her lips then and she shrugged, trying so hard to sound casual- that it was no big deal.

"Yes. My gram.... she tested me? And I could have, but she didn't think it was a good idea. I'm not very-"

It had been one of the biggest disappointments of her childhood. And not something she had ever talked to anyone else about.

"She didn't think I'd be, um. Very good. At it. Being a Jedi. I mean. So. That was that. I guess."

It had been so much more than that. Sam had been crushed. Of course she didn't know that her mother had practically forbidden it, and told her grandmother to put a stop to that nonsense immediately. They were, after all, living on Coruscant during the occupation of the One Sith. How much risk was she willing to put their family in? And shy little Sam? Absolutely not. Discourage her, immediately mother.

The damage was done to keep her safe. But it was still damage nonetheless.

Again, she shrugged, looking away from him, injecting what she hoped was a note of cheerfulness into her voice then.

"It's okay though. Like- like you said. I can still help."

[member="Benedict Ortega"]

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

Benedict looked at her for a moment.

It reminded him once again that he was completely and utterly hopeless at reading people. The only reason he knew that the cheer she was projecting wasn't genuine was simply because the words prior to this... had been different. Different enough that even Ben could make out the distinct difference.

But what was there to say?

"We must all follow the path of our heart and mind, Sam." Ortega finally responded, before scratching at his cheek. "Do what we believe in and love, because otherwise what's the point?"

"One can be a mechanic and a Jedi." There were enough Jedi with affinity to the mechanical arts. "If you ever feel the need to revisit the subject, I could assist."

A shrug followed.

"Self-interest, I can always use capable hands." To forestall the inevitable: please, do not bother, it's too much of a hassle and there is really no need. Perhaps it wouldn't have come, but it was best to prepare yourself for any and all outcomes, then make sure the most difficult ones were already out of the running.

 

[Sam Paige]

For someone who thought he wasn't good at reading people, [member="Benedict Ortega"] was doing a pretty good job on Sam.

"Thank you." Honestly, she didn't know what to say beyond that.

Inviting the Vigil onto her ship had been such a terrifying, but exhilarating step out of character for her. It had been so recently that the idea of doing something that daring again was just too overwhelming to contemplate.

But a seed had been planted, one that she wouldn't be able to get out of her mind in the quiet hours. That maybe, just maybe....

She *could* be a Jedi.

For the moment, however, it was ridiculous. A very kind thing for him to say, but entirely outside the realm of something she could even consider.

"What.... what do you like most about it? Being. You know. A Jedi."

 

[Hira Mitsae]

[member="Sam Paige"]

Ben shook his head and waved his hand in a gesture of dismissal.

"I left the Order when I founded the Compact." But then the man realized that wasn't really an answer to the question she was mostly interested in. Sam wanted to know what it was like to be a Jedi, to hear the tales confirmed and underlined that being the Jedi was exactly the thing for her.

A difficult thing to put into words.

"But it was good... there was a sense of purpose, of brotherhood, for the longest time it felt like we could take on anything the Galaxy threw at us." Until it didn't feel like that anymore and the feelings had dissipated into the realm of reality. Which was that even the New Jedi Order wasn't willing to go far enough to break the Sith threat. They devolved once they went from fighting to governing and grew fat from sitting around.

Unprepared for war.

"Even without being a Jedi that sense of purpose still remains, the Sith threat must be extinguished and that is what I aim to do."

In the distance Benedict could hear a door opening, two pair of voices muffled sounding through the walls. One of them was Chris and the other one was presumably the lady Sam had called up.

"Sounds like your friend has arrived. You ready to go?"

 

[Sam Paige]

It sounded a lot like what was building on the Messenger. It was in its infancy, not just the intention but also those feelings he was talking about. But she recognized that fellowship he was talking about, and somewhere, in the back of her mind, tallied him into her own.

Not that she'd say anything about it.

She'd been about to ask, however, just what exactly the Compact was, when [member="Tegan Katarn"] 's voice filtered through to them and she looked up. While she was enjoying her conversation with [member="Benedict Ortega"], there was a certain relief that flooded through her at the sound of the familiar voice.

Sam nodded at Ben's question, offering him a shy smile.

"I am. But. I really- um- I really liked- I mean. Talking. I mean. To you. Thank you- for," she made a hand gesture that might have meant a half dozen different things, but somehow encompassed the idea of 'all of this.'

And then she did something that challenged every fiber of her being. Not unlikely inviting the gaggle of strangers onto her ship, she acted without letting herself think about it too much.

Why scribbling her comm code onto a piece of flimsy and handing it to him made her legitimately dizzy, she couldn't have explained. It wasn't about Ben specifically, but that was irrelevant.

"Um. If. I don't know. Your Compact ever needs- um, I mean, if I can ever help. With mechanics. I mean. Er. Here."

She shoved it at him a little more suddenly than she meant to, and her face went red again.

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Sam Paige"]

Ben blinked, but reached out to take the flimsiplast anyway.

Their fingers touched briefly because of the sheer force of her push and yet it was over before Benedict could blink. He looked at it for a moment, before realizing it was her 'number'. It was a strange situation, until she she explained the intent. That made him more comfortable and less tense about it all.

Call me maybe, wasn't exactly in his repertoire of things to do.

"I am sure I will have a thing or two for you-"

"Sam, the kark you at?" A harsh voice cut through his sentence and a few moments later the face of a woman peeked through the door with a scowl. Over her shoulder Chris' expression was both awkward, amused and embarrassed, but once Ben nodded that it was fine she left again.

Before either Ben or Sam could say anything though, Tegs' entire focus shifted from the room to the man sitting at the other side of the table.

"Samantha, wait in the hallway, while I talk to this man, please."

There was no arguing with that voice, honey-dipped and calm, it only underlined just how karking angry Tegan really was. Once Sam left the room the door would be closed and all that she'd be able to hear was muffled shouts, before it subsided into mild conversation and a back-and-forth.

A few more minutes later Tegan came back and gestured for her friend to walk with her.

Once they were outside and the door of the clinic was closed Katarn took a moment to stop. Then to look from the crowding darkness that obscured their journey back to the ship and towards Sam herself.

"Are you okay?" Probably not, but it was a start.

 

[Sam Paige]

"Bye Mister Ortega..... and..... thank you."

Being called 'Samantha' fortunately didn't bring back memories of childhood. After all, she couldn't even get her family to call her by her preferred (middle) name. So the full name may have lacked some of the impact [member="Tegan Katarn"] might have intended. Despite that, Sam had nodded, gave a little wave at Ben, somewhere around her hip, and slipped out into the hallway.

She leaned against the wall, face colouring half a dozen different shades of red as the yelling started. She almost went back in to tell Tegan to leave him alone- but Tegan was *scary* when she was yelling, and Ben seemed like someone who could handle himself. Besides, it died down a moment later, accompanied by no small amount of relief from the redhead.

Looking up, down, really anywhere but at the door, Sam pushed herself off the wall again when Tegan came out and fell in a step behind as they headed out of the clinic. She offered that small, hip wave to Ben's medic friend and then they were back out in the street.

She had been looking down and didn't realize Tegan was stopping until it was too late and ended up walking right into her. She back pedaled furiously, nodding a touch too emphatically in response to the question.

"Um. Yes. Not really- no, mostly? I mean. I'm not. Hurt? I'm sorry I made you come all the way out here. But. Um. I'm really- really happy you came."

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Sam Paige"]

Tegs stumbled, but managed to catch herself before she fell face first on the floor. It took every single fiber in her being not to lash out - not because annoyance, but reflexes of battle that had served her well over the years - but this was Sam and she wasn't trying to attack her.

It was just an accident.

"Hey," Tegan stopped talking and opened her eyes. Not the ones that looked all the time, but the ones that had been trained from the very moment she was born and allowed her to tap into things unseen by others. It wasn't the Force, it was the simple heritage of being a Lorrdian and knowing what to look for.

"Look, I am not good at this." Her hand gently rested on Sam's shoulder now, squeezing it a bit. "But you don't need to apologize, I would have come either way."

"You need to... talk about it?" Sam did need to talk about it- it was in the set of her shoulders, the way her knees pointed inwards and protective. The way her jaw slightly shifted as teeth reapplied intensity to hold back the roiling emotions just beneath the skin of her body.

But the Lorrdian wasn't one to pull.

 

[Sam Paige]

Sam shook her head.

Then nodded.

Then shook her head again.

Wanting to talk about something was different from needing to talk about something. Which was different yet again from being able to talk about something. It would all come out in a rush later, in the safety of her room, in the comfort of the Messenger. But not here, not now.

Instead of saying anything else, Sam ducked her head and quiet suddenly hugged Tegan. Buried her face in her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist. It wasn't a far move from the other woman's hands on her own shoulders. Part of her knew she should have asked first. Made sure it was okay. But in that moment Sam really needed that hug to the point that it over rode all of the anxiety that went along with the lead up.

She didn't say anything, just hugged the other woman. If at any point Tegan moved in a way that suggested discomfort, Sam would let go immediately. If not, she still wouldn't hug her for long. Just long enough for the awkwardness to overcome the need for the physical reassurance.

[member="Tegan Katarn"]

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Sam Paige"]

It hadn't come as a surprise to her.

Lorrdian, remember? In fact Tegs saw it coming before Sam probably saw it coming - the tension snapping between her desire to hide and her desire to let it all out, before it came awkwardly in the middle. Her arms wrapped itself around Tegan, she was soft and it was a reflex to simply take her in her hands and hold her close. There was something primal about simply being there and not letting her thoughts get in-between the moment.

"It's okay." It was still slightly awkward for her, because Katarn wasn't really the one to cuddle, but she made the most of the moment and tried to be there for the little one.

Because Sam was little in this moment.

Fragile, breakable and as a result Tegan let her bury her face in her shoulder. At least for a little while, before petting her back slightly in the general sign of youcanreallyletgoofmenowthanksyesthanks.

"Don't tell anyone this happened." Tegs finally said after coughing and gesturing for Sam to follow along.