Private It's A Fig

[Iris Arani]

<That makes sense. I've.. There are a lot of people who don't want to understand.> She knew all too well now. Her frown settled for only a moment, fading once she looked down to her wrist.

Her heart was racing? Iris seemed surprised at the revelation, staring at her wrist like it some how betrayed her before looking back to Kai.

<.. A little. More nervous.>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<Oh, many of them understand. They just don't want to believe it, or they refuse to.> He didn't blame them, interestingly enough, even though they'd made his life harder. He'd rather they could choose than force everyone to accept him.

At her answer to his question, he feigned confusion.

<Why are you nervous?>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

They refused to understand. It was a sad thing to think about. People not wanting to understand each other. If people would, maybe the fighting would stop. She closed her eyes. That.. Wasn't what she wanted to think about.

<I don't know why you're touching me. It's soothing, but also.. I'm not sure how to word it.>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai couldn't help but smile at her.

<Sometimes I can't tell if you're messing with me, or you really are just that innocent.> Not that he was an expert on anything. But it was hard to remain ignorant of these things when you ate people's thoughts and memories.

<Do you like it?> His question could've been referring to the touching, or to the painting he'd made.

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

<I'm not messing with you.> She pouted, her gaze shifting back to the painting. The last thing she wanted to do was mess with Kai Bamarri . Her gaze lingered on the painting. On her. Was this how he saw her, then?

<I like it. I didn't realize you were a good painter.>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<Really? You sure?> He curled his fingers under her chin. <You don’t know what this is, or why you feel that way?>

She complimented the painting and his skills as a painter.

<I’m not.> He laughed. <Really. My first time painting, and it looks like it.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

Now her cheeks were burning. Iris turned her gaze back up to Kai Bamarri , watching him in silence. She wasn't sure what to say now. How she felt, what this was. She had an idea on what it was. She'd read about it, trying to figure out what a couple was or what it meant to be in love or such.

She just wasn't sure.

<Do you want to kiss me?>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai studied her flushed cheeks and mouth, and strangely, he found himself thinking about how he’d have to add that particular rosy color to the portrait. It was a distracting thought, a bit of shyness manifesting itself perhaps. He hadn’t meant to go this far, but now that they were here, he couldn’t figure out a way back.

Wasn’t so sure he wanted to turn back.

But he was paralyzed all the same. So he settled for echoing her question.

<Do you want to kiss me?>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

<I don't know how.> It was her obvious answer. She'd never shared a kiss before. With anyone. Not even a kiss to her forehead from her mother or the like. The stories she read played them up to some grand event. Perfect moments. But even Iris knew she didn't answer his question. And, if she was being honest with herself, it was why she was nervous.

She leaned down, more into Kai Bamarri 's hand, letting her eyes close. She didn't want to see the expression he might make. <I want you to want to kiss me.>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<Neither do I. Never painted or kissed anyone before now.>

She closed her eyes. Should he have painted them closed, too?

He needed to stop thinking about painting. He closed his eyes to avoid seeing anything new in her face worth capturing. Now they were both sitting there with their eyes closed, posed in each other’s arms like models sitting for a sculptor. Or perhaps they were the statues themselves, frozen in stone.

<I want to. But like you, I don’t know how.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

He wanted to. That's what stood out the most for Iris. Her eyes opened, staring at the painting for a moment longer before drifting back to Kai Bamarri . Actually looking at him. Not the colors around him, not the colors from him. Just him. She raised a hand, more to copy what he'd done, touching his cheek. The softest touch she could manage, like doing so would have him scatter to the wind as a pile of dust.

<.. Then.. We can figure it out together?> It was a question. A hopeful question of a girl who didn't know what she was doing but wanted to do it anyway. She smiled, nervous. Blushing. She felt.. Real.

"We just.. Put our lips together. That's what the books say."

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai's eyes opened at her touch, more out of surprise than anything else. It was a feather-light touch, gentle and over-cautious.

<Okay,> he said, leaning his cheek into her hand until it rested in the cup of her palm, then further still, until they were close enough to share breath.

He hesitated, hanging suspended for a few moments, in case there were any doubts, any last minute changes of heart. Or if not... he puckered up and went for it.

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

She took a breath.

And held it.

Saying and doing were two drastically different things, and already as Kai Bamarri leaned in, she was met with that reality. Her cheeks inflamed, her eyes widened. She was as nervous as she could be at this point. But.. Then he hesitated. The moment lingered. He was as nervous as her? Her lips curled to a faint smile before she leaned in first. Crossing the last threshold before their lips connected.

And lingered there. Unmoving. Her eyes were closed, she felt happy, but that was the extent of it. It wasn't anywhere to the type of kiss she read about or saw in holofilms, but to her, it was perfect.

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Iris radiated happiness and contentment. He could sense it in her, warm and bright as a flame. But even as their lips met, Kai remained unsure.

What was he uncertain about? Perhaps whether he was doing the right thing. Was it a good idea to have entertained Iris' feelings for him in the first place? Could anything good come of this, given who they were as people? Given what he was, and what she was, and the paths they were on which did not converge, yet now were being made to merge?

As for the kiss, it was alright. 'S okay. Not bad, not great, not even necessarily perfect (though he didn't know what exactly the parameters of a "perfect" kiss were). But it did the trick. One might describe it as good enough.

When he pulled away, his eyes were open. He looked at Iris, his brow a little furrowed as he studied her.

<What now?>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

And just like that, it was over. Iris stopped watching the colors, letting herself go to the moment. But as he pulled away, she could see them. Uncertainty. Whatever contentment or happiness she had faded as she turned her gaze away, watching the canvas in front of her. Now she wasn't sure what to feel.

<I don't know.>

Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai's shoulders sagged, and his uncertainty was joined by a new emotion: inadequacy.

Iris needed someone who was better versed than he was in all this. Someone who could guide her. For all his street smarts, Kai was not that person. Maybe there was some merit to the idea of them discovering these things together, but he couldn't shake the suspicion that they were just stumbling around, fumbling their way through these rituals they had read about and reciting words they'd heard they should say.

But what did they know about any of it, really? What it meant, what it was all for?

<This isn't going to work,> he said, giving voice at last to the tangle of his thoughts. <I'm sorry, Iris. I tried. We both tried, but... I don't feel the same way you do.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

<Mm. There's nothing to be sorry about.> Her hand reached out, touching the canvas for a moment. Iris just watched it. What was she supposed to feel now? No, not what she was supposed to feel, what did she feel? Not sad or disappointed. More.. Content. Yeah. She still felt content. Maybe not happy, but it was something new. Something she wanted to try, and she tried it. Not everything was going to work out, right?

<You're right. Who we are now, it won't work.> Her hand fell as she slipped from the chair. For the next minute or so she was gathering her supplies in silence. Unsure what to say, but knowing that she couldn't linger around. Not for much longer. She felt content. That's what she had to focus on.

<If you ever do, I-> What? Iris shook her head, leaving that unfinished as she picked up one last brush and a couple tubes of paint. Which she then held out to Kai Bamarri , smiling softly.

<You should keep painting. I'll see you later, yeah?>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<Iris—>

He stood up as she began to gather her things, a bit puzzled by her reaction. It wasn't what he expected. He thought there might be... tears, or anger, or pleading. But all he got from her was a sense of contentment. Did she not care? Had he misjudged her?

Scratching his head, he took the brush she offered him with his other hand, but his thoughts were (at last) far from the subject of painting. <I didn't mean to hurt you. I mean—did I hurt you?>

He must have. She was in a hurry to leave, probably hiding her feelings, not wanting to make him feel bad, or not wanting him to see her when the pain hit. Or no—who knew? This was Iris. Incomprehensible, incoherent Iris. He didn't understand her, and he didn't think she understood him either. That was part of why this wasn't going to work.

But—

But what?

<It's not your fault,> he continued. <I just... am not capable of this sort of thing, I guess.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"Stop."

Her voice came out small, meek. She couldn't send her thoughts to Kai Bamarri , not now. The more he spoke, the harder it was to be content. She didn't understand him. She knew. How he spoke about Claudia, how he made it clear that he might not be capable of feeling that way about anyone. <You were born in a beautiful flash of light, I understand that you might not feel that way!> Oh. She had ended up projecting her thoughts. Bittersweet sadness was.. Overwhelming. For the girl who didn't understand how to feel in most situations, it was too much to think about.

Content was easier.

But the dam had been breached. Content was gone. Frustration at herself for thinking maybe there was something like those stories between them. Embarrassment for getting swept up in a kiss that he only felt uncertain about. <I love you. I can see that I do. The colors, how they meld, I just can. It doesn't have to be like in the stories, we don't have to kiss or hold hands. We don't have to change anything. But you, you keep trying to think that because of what you are you just aren't capable? Then why did you want to kiss me? Because I wanted you to?>

Frustration turned to tears as she clenched the brush, lowering her hands from their offer. <You keep trying to be something that you think other people want. Hiding the parts you think they won't like. I don't care if you're a Sithspawn. I don't care if you're a Jedi or not, or if you can't love me. You're my best friend. Just.. Why can't you just tell me what you want?>

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai's lips thinned. He stood very still as she raged at him, her sadness and frustration bubbling up to the surface.

So she had figured it out. She knew he was a Sithspawn, and she didn't care. But he did. He cared a lot. Just like he cared about whether he was a Jedi, or whether he was capable of loving others.

<You keep trying to be something that you think other people want. Hiding the parts you think they won't like. I don't care if you're a Sithspawn. I don't care if you're a Jedi or not, or if you can't love me. You're my best friend. Just... Why can't you just tell me what you want?>

<Because I don't know what I want. I figured I might as well try to be what you want, to see if it worked out.> That was the simplest reason, the purest answer. <I asked you once what you wanted from all this, and you said you didn't know. This was me trying to help you decide. I didn't mean for it to seem like I tricked you or got your hopes up, but I'm sorry if it did.> He was apologizing again, which probably wasn't helping, but what was he to do?

Iris Arani​