Private In Vivo Veritas

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

"You don't want my approval."

She said it with quiet conviction that overlayed a measure of shame.

Arris reached into her jacket and drew a cigarette. Of course, what she smoked was a narcotic. It offered a mild euphoria and pain-dulling qualities that, in your typical humanoid, maybe lasted an hour...

She lit the cigarette and took a gentle puff, then offered it to Neriah.

Regardless if the acolyte accepted her offer, Arris tried her best to console her in a small way.

"In your defense, kid, I don't think I give anyone what they want... Y'know, I only became a 'Sith' about a year ago."

Her recollection invoked a chuckle. The thought that she became a Sith; it felt wrong to say, and it reminded her of the Galactic Kaggath. Arris Windrun, the Dark Horse of Ruusan, who only learned the proper distinction between Jedi and Sith while sitting in the locker room between fights. Whose Sith Master was probably among the least orthodox Dark Lords alive in the galaxy.

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"You're wrong. And you're right. I don't want your approval. I want the approval of anyone. To be told I've done a good job. To...have a reason. Be it to bring pride to others...or anything."

Neriah took the cigarette from Arris as soon as it offered, taking an inahle in herself...before breaking out into a series of coughs. That seemed to be the only reaction she had to the narcotics however, as she handed the cigarette back after that, as Neriah continued to stare back ahead of herself. She might have been there physically...but it was clear that whatever had broken inside of her meant she wasn't there emotionally.

"You were giving me what I wanted. Acknowledgement. Responsibility. But then it vanished. You hurt me. I did it all wrong. I can't do anything right."

Even now however, she said that as if someone would say that their remote had ran out of batteries, or if they had forgotten their lunch back at home. As if it was nothing more than a minor inconvenience for her. As if that was all she was, at the end of the day.

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

Arris took the cigarette back and dragged.

"It had nothing to do with that... With what you were doing, I mean." Arris explained.

With the vague gesture of one hand. "Anger, hate, absence, loyalty, depression... It's all the same to Sith, yeah? All of it can fuel your power... It feels good to do it, eventually. I mean..." No, it felt terrible, good and terrible at the same time, like an addiction.

The Dark Side of the Force rewarded you simply for your own despair. Your violence. The more you lost yourself, the more you were not in control, the better it was. Like a hit from the best spice you've ever had. Arris tasted it when she fought Vagabond, then again versus Creed, and again when she fought Allyson Locke... Then Mercy...

Since then, Arris had known nothing else, and yet she didn't feel good about her life. But she did feel good about her power, as long as she didn't question herself. Unfortunately, the cyborg was too ignorant to help Neriah give up the resistance. To let her own emptiness be filled by the Dark Side. If she had known what a powerful thing emptiness was, she might've seen the poor acolyte not as something weak, but as prodigious.

In fact, another Sith - a more educated one - would covet what Neriah had become. Arris could break the girl, but not remake her.

"If you want someone else's pride? You need to kill. You need to study. You need to listen less and act out more. I suppose it's a balance between stupidity and dedication, yeah?"

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"It has never felt good. The anger I had. The hate I felt for Kirie. It's all...burnt out. It's gone. But...nothing has filled it's place. It has burnt a hole. That everything that tries to fill it just...fades through. I have no loyalty. And...I don't think I quite fit depression either. But...it's not absence either. It's...the best way to explain it...is the absence of absence."

She had burned so brightly with that anger. So furiously. And it had all went out. Not with a proud bang. Not with one final scream of rage. It was just a whimper. A pathetic whimper that had puffed out with nothing to say for herself. A small sigh escaped her lips afterwards, as Arris tried to give her advice. Advice that Neriah had finally realised there was no point in listening to. Arris would snap on her in the future more than likely. Act out. And considering that was the advice Arris was giving her...Neriah didn't want to be like that.

"I kill. I study. And I get ridiculed for it. I don't kill the right way. I don't make a show out of it, like Varin does. Like Acier does. Like you. I just do it. Clean. Efficently. I read. I scour over books. And they get ripped up in front of me. Burnt when I'm away. Ripped across my room. There is just...no point to it anymore."

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

"It's my fault."

Arris stated bluntly. She knew what she was about to admit was stupid.

"Kattada? All those dead Jedi? All the enclaves we hit after that?"

She considered changing the subject. She couldn't.

"It was me. A friend... An ex-friend, Tilon, told me about Kattada. To come there and train with the Jedi. I gave it to Mercy instead..."

Because Arris didn't want Mercy to leave her behind. There was something that changed during that fight. Since then, the cyborg followed the Tionese Titan like a divine being. Her best friend in so few definitions of the term.

"I went with her. And when we had the padawans, Tilon begged us to let them go... in exchange for the other enclaves." She chuckled dryly.

Arris fell backwards, laid against the duracrete, and stretched. She looked up at what appeared to be endless black sky, knowing full well it was metal too distant for light to touch. She stretched her arm up, cigarette burning between two fingers, and lowered it for another puff.

"I don't know what to do but help her... even if I hate her for it, too."

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"...And? Do you expect me to hate you?"

Neriah knew she should have hated Arris. Perhaps hated her far more than she'd have ever hated Kirie. After all, it was Arris' fault Neriah was in this situation. That her master had been killed. Yet no matter how much she tried to muster up that anger, that hatred, that rage...It faded. Falling through that empty hole she had burned inside of her. That hole that ultimately told her nothing else mattered.

"Because I don't. I can't bring myself to hate you. To hate Mercy. To hate myself. It's all just...so pointless. A waste of energy."

It was true. She couldn't find a reason for hatred. For death. For killing. It was all so pointless...which is why it came so easily to her in battle. Why she was so clean and efficient when it came to death. Because she didn't waste time on her emotions. On thinking about who she was killing. Neriah just did it, because that was how things were. She didn't justify it through honour, or pride, or survival. She just...did it.

"...But I forgive you. It might be pointless to say. A waste of my energy to tell you. But I do. You aren't seeking my forgiveness. You aren't apologising. But I forgive you all the same. It happened. It doesn't matter why you did it. She helped you find a place in the Galaxy. You don't have to wander alone. You can...just follow her. Like...how I was willing to follow you."

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

Arris didn't expect Neriah to hate her.

But she didn't expect forgiveness, either.

The cyborg had brought the smoke back to her lips when the young woman said as much. As she gave her forgiveness, Arris began to twitch, her jaw clenched, she chewed on the cigarette while it still burned at one end until it crumbled against her tongue - that was synthetic, too, like most of her.

"No." Arris said, flatly.

"I don't want to follow her."

It was only half a lie. There was still too much dependency; that much was true. The cyborg had to follow her - for reasons that didn't even make sense to her anymore. It felt good... and it hurt her when she didn't. The Talusian recalled when Mercy invited her aboard her flagship, in the aftermath of Atrisia, and proclaimed her intentions to depart Black Sun space and become a Warlord.

For a while, Arris believed Star-Arm meant to abandon her, and it wrecked her.

"You don't know me. What I want. What I think." She was angry, but not at anyone in particular.

Arris turned her head along the ground. The funny thing about cybernetic eyes is that she could adjust her perspective, so it didn't look so odd to see Neriah from that angle. Almost like her head had been removed and placed upright along the ground.

"You - Kirie - all the other losers who don't belong in the Sith... Me. That's what I'm here for."

The Force had demanded this path from her, but she never knew why, still didn't... Though this was the first time she finally verbalized it. At least the surface view, anyway.

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"...You can lie to me Arris. But don't lie to yourself. You're right. I don't know what you want. I don't know what you think...But do you? Is it what you want? Or is it what that...void in your head wants?"

Neriah still didn't move her gaze away from where she was looking at. But Arris would of course know what void Neriah had brought up. The one she saw whenever she looked at Arris.

"It's grown. Larger. Darker. It's been devouring all of the light around you. The light inside of you."

It was...almost ironic in a way. Neriah had almost been ready to consider Arris, what the Cyborg considered Mercy. Yet that moment, where she had been threatened, nearly had her life taken from her, and then broke down...had ruined that. Perhaps for the better. Perhaps for the worse. Only time would tell. An ever ticking clock that was slowly going to come to an end. But what would the end be? Neriah had no clue. But she would await it.

"You're here for me and Kirie...for now. But it won't be long until it changes. You'll give up on us. On yourself. You'll hide it away. Perhaps you'll let the void consume that part of yourself. The part that is here for the losers. And I'll be back where I belong. Alone. At the bottom. Forgotten."

And even now, her voice was still void of emotion. Spoken as if this was a typical day for her. As if what she was saying wasn't some form of morbid self depreciation. Because for her, it wasn't. It was teh truth.

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

Arris spat the bits of burnt material out onto the street.

"Yeah... I'm starting to notice that," she replied.

"But you're still wrong." She felt certain of it, even if she feared the opposite.

How could she go down another path? If this is what it took to be a Sith Master. If she had to break acolytes so severely for them to be remade, then what was the point of it all? Still, she didn't want to die, even if it was the most obvious solution.

"I will fix this. And I will help you."

Her conviction rippled in the Force. An echo of herself in the tapestry of destiny. A Jedi Master would warn her that the Force is a mystery, that it is impossible to know for sure. Destiny wasn't predestination in the way most thought... If you read the present, you could see all the ways the universe would reflect and react to your existence, but existence wasn't static. It was fluid, alive, ever-changing.

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"...You won't help me. That's the one thing I've learned from all of this. Helping people is...pointless. It puts a target on your back. They'll spit at your kindness. At your help."

Even if Arris was sure of the opposite, that she would help Neriah, and Kirie, and the rest of the losers, Neriah had lost that faith. That hope. She refused to believe kindness was part of the Galaxy anymore. Everything was always changing. But the one thing that seemed to be a constant in her eyes was that kindness was not looked kindly upon anymore. You'd be ridiculed. Made fun of. Belittled until you got to the point Neriah was at.

"You can try to fix me as much as you want Arris. But the scars will always remain. Once broken, there will always be a piece missing. No matter how small the fragment may be."

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

Arris rolled back over so she was no longer looking Neriah's way. Eyes turned back to the faux abyss.

"I've been a target for the last half of my life. Trust me, you couldn't burden me despite your best efforts."

The cyborg laughed, and when it was over, a weary smile remained. It was fake, of course. It was what she felt appropriate in the moment. Subconscious about her lack of humanity some moments ago. But she wasn't ready to let herself feel again; not like that.

"And - I didn't say I was going to fix you." She corrected. "How old are you anyway?" She looked back again, if only slightly.

"I'm about to be thirty-two. So, I think I get to pull the age card on a teenager and all the life-experience shit that comes with.

"I know your type... Hurt by the galaxy, yeah? Like to put things in perspective... only thing you can control anymore? Being right feels good even if it sucks, yeah?"

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

There was no smile on the Acolyte's face. No laughter. Nothing of the sort as she finally laid herself down to stare up at the sky, hands folded along her stomach. Raising an eyebrow as Arris corrected Neriah by saying she wasn't going to fix her. In that case, it was ultimately pointless. Arris could try and fix the situation, but unless you got down to the root cause, it wouldn't matter.

"Eighteen. And no. I wasn't hurt by the Galaxy. I was hurt by you. By Varin. By Acier. By Kirie. By all of you. And...it just doesn't matter anymore. Being right doesn't matter. Feeling good doesn't matter. It'll always stop. The good will always end. But the bad is always a constant."

That was the core of her reasoning now. What was the point of feeling good, of having fun, if it would end? All good things came to an end. So perhaps it was better not to seek anything. To just go with the punches and not expect anything from anyone anymore. It was truly how she felt with Arris. All of what the Cyborg was saying, at least in the Acolyte's eyes, was simply lip service.

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

Nilira Vornix

"When I used to sleep," Yeah, used to. "I... Well, it took a while getting there."

Arris thought back to it. Stirring in bed, hearing the sounds of her city. To say the least, they weren't conducive to safety or good rest.

"It only got easier when I finally told myself that every day ends when I close my eyes. Y'know? Good, bad, life. Fuck. Apparently even death for some people. That ends, too."

It did for her.

"So good for you to catch that it ends, but what's the point? Ever had a good meal?"

 

[Nilira Vornix]

Tag: Arris Windrun

"The dead should stay dead. No...offense."

Why was she saying no offense? Neriah didn't have a clue. But her gaze was still firmly ahead, up at the sky as Arris spoke. She knew Arris was doing her best to help. And whilst Neriah wasn't reacting much to it...It was the best kind of way to teach her right now. All the pain, all the suffering, it wasn't teaching her anymore. But being listened to. Being heard...It was at least having some kind of effect on her.

"I've forgotten the last time I had a good meal. I don't get to eat much at the Academy. It's...taken from me, most of the time. There's never a point in fighting it."

She got enough to survive off. Neriah wasn't some fighter. She didn't need the muscle. The energy. Perhaps it was also a reason for why she was so apathetic. Neriah just didn't have the right nutrients for energy anymore...

​

 

[Arris Windrun]

"The dead should stay dead. No...offense."

It hurt Arris to hear. More than she'd ever show or let on.

To hear that Neriah hadn't a good meal in memory? That it's taken? What kind of juvenile cruelty...

"Why the hell are they taking your food?" She snapped a little.

Her first reaction was to ask for names, but then she remembered something she once said to another acolyte.

"Having friends is good, but you don't want their help."

It was tough advice, but Arris stood by it, even now. She knew intervention by a stronger Sith would only turn the weak into further targets. Neriah, for better or worse, had to find a way to stick up for herself... or at least draw less attention to herself.

"I'll say one thing..." Arris slowly stood back up. "There's plenty a point to fighting. You wouldn't have killed that Gamorrean if not."

It didn't matter if the point was a conscious thought or impulsive violence. At least, the way Arris saw it.

She looked at Neriah. "C'mon. We're going for a ride... Off this fucking moon."