In The Shadow Of Doubt

[Lief]

The Jedi Enclave​

Deneba​

​

A sprinkling of light in an otherwise darkened room cascaded down upon her form, positioned upon her knees as she was with both hands outstretched, palms facing skyward. Held aloft, across the both of them, a simple shinai lay impeccably balanced, unwavering. In fact, the rest of her body was equally as immobile, from her head which was held high and straight to her back which was perfectly postured.

Around her the training room she had found sanctuary within was silent. A pin could have been dropped and the sound of it, brushing against the polished wood flooring which framed tatami mats, would have been near-deafening.

Her eyes were closed, breathing regulated, chest rising and falling in deep meditation. It was a technique that most, if not all, Jedi were taught during the early years of their training, the Meditation of Emptiness, an art through which it was possible to clear ones mind entirely of distractions, of emotions, to elevate oneself to a higher position spiritually and mentally. Through it she could sanctify her connection to the Force, she could contemplate the road ahead without uncertainty and self-doubt obscuring what was true from what she thought was true.

How long she had knelt there was uncertain. No doubt impressions from the mats had worked their way into her knees, and down her lower legs, bumpy little grooves that would disperse as quickly as they came once she was back on her feet. There was no signs of that happening any time soon, though.

Have I made the right decision? she inquired, through the slowing tendrils of time, to the metaphysical space which lingered between life, and even with this elevated state of mind just the tiniest hints of doubt broke through into her meditations, To leave it all behind, to forsake all I have known. They gave me everything, they brought me from the brink of insanity and raised me as their own.

And yet, even so, even with the doubt worming its way into her thoughts, even with these questions on the tip of her tongue, her heart felt light, her body weightless. All the answer she needed, without any verbal indications. The Force flowed freely around her then, soothing each part of her on both the physical and abstract planes.

Her duty to the Galaxy, and to the mystical energy which flowed between everyone and everything that called it home, preceded any others.

There was no more room for doubt.

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

The door to the training room slid open and Amilthi peered into the twilight inside. There was a young women sitting on the floor with a curious implement on her thighs, evidently immersed in meditation. For a brief moment, Amilthi considered whether she should withdraw, but there was no compelling reason to do so. The practice rooms were common areas and meditation did not require solitude, only silence.

She took off her slippers and quietly, so as not to disturb the other, walked to a corner of the room, where, despite wearing a skirt, she down in a cross-legged position, resting her hands in her lap, one on top of the other with palms cupped upwards. She closed her eyes and external reality disappeared from her awareness as she focused her attention fully on her inner experience. This meditation would not proceed along any of the familiar lines, and had she told any of her fellow Jedi about it, they would perhaps have cautioned her of even attempting it. But Amilthi needed to understand, and without experiment, there was no understanding to be attained.

She conjured in her mind an image of the familiar streets of Mos Espa. Viewed by itself in the present, Tatooine was unremarkable, a poor, boring, not entirely safe backwater planet. Viewed in light of its history, it was a deeply unsettling place. For its present was also its past: the planet's conditions and society were singularly resistant to change, trapped firmly in a local equilibrium of incredible stability. Life on Tatooine was awful, had always been awful, and would always be awful. Amilthi held this thought in her mind, considering not its contents, but the thought itself as it was urging her to open it and look at its insides. And now Amilthi did the very opposite of what she had been taught to do: instead of calmly setting the thought aside as a sentimental distraction, she gave in to its begging and dove into it.

She began to work on it, turn it around, dissect it, seeking frantically, as was her instinct, a way to dissolve and destroy it from the inside, seeking to relieve the discomfort that it caused. What was it that could save the place, or at least its people? Where was the root of its ills? Would it turn out better if the Empire or someone else removed the Hutts from power? But there was nothing to be gained by governing Tatooine properly. And left to itself, the planet would fall back into its old structures, with a populace that could not conceive of such things as political self-determination and large-scale organisation. People were stuck with their habits of making the best of life in the small groups that were formed by close personal contact. Perhaps it would be best to simply dissolve Tatooine as a settled planet, to take its people and put them in another place that did more to reward work and virtues. But who could be enticed to accept them?

The thought was unassailable. And then it exploded. The fact of the fundamental rottenness of the universe shone brightly in her awareness, burning everything else away. It was too late to shield from it with the calm benevolence that the Jedi cultivated. A sense of urgency took hold of her, but failed to spur her into movement for there was nowhere to move. She was crushed against seemingly unassailable hopelessness. Tears began to stream from her eyes even as they were still shut, and a solitary sob became audible.

That had gone very badly.

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

For a while her mind became void of anything.

True Emptiness had been attained the moment her doubts had been cast aside, there was nothing else to think on in the immediate moment, so she took the time to quieten her mind and breathe. It had been quite the taxing few days, a lengthy journey across drifting dunes and shifting sands, her body was grateful for a moment of respite. She could feel the knots begin to work their way out of her back and her shoulders, the throbbing sensation she had in her feet was beginning to disperse, and her aching limbs eased into a more content state.

Still the shinai remained in place upon her palms, it was weightless to her in that instance, and though her arms ought to have been heavy from being held aloft for so long they too seemed non-existent to her. The Force could work miracles, if you allowed it to.

It wasn't until the room began to flood with an intensity she hadn't thought possible that her concentration wavered. Emotion rumbled on the tendrils of the Force, so heavy that it felt almost corrupting in nature. And yet somehow it was held at bay, it wasn't allowed to take control, or to press against Mysa as she knelt there. Somehow it was being contained.

Then that control broke, and like a shock wave she felt the sudden release of emotions which hit her square in the chest. A sharp intake of breath was all that left her at first, yet when the sob became known to her she faltered entirely. With a clatter the shinai fell against the tatami mat, and Mysa rose up to her full height. For a moment she swayed on the spot, it wasn't wise to come out of a meditative state in such a manner, but soon enough she had steadied herself enough to turn and face the corner of the room.

A woman was sat there, and even in the dim lighting her Umbaran eyes picked up on the glistening of tears which streaked down her cheeks. Three long steps closed the space between them, and Mysa dropped to her knees just before the woman. "Shh," she soothed, reaching out to gently embrace the woman's shoulders, to bring her into her arms; she did not know what had happened, she did not know why there had been so much emotion, and why now tears were being shed, but that did not matter.

"It's okay, you're okay," she breathed, "You're safe, do you hear me? Safe..."

She realized from the woman's posture that she had likely been meditating herself before this sense of grief washed over the room. Had she not been taught how to analyze without overwhelming herself? Did she not know the Meditation of Emptiness? Or had she purposely chosen to succumb to whatever thoughts had been locked within her mind?

Mysa did not know.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

She needed to put this - herself - back in order. Amilthi focussed all her power of concentration of the sensation of a tear running down her cheek and towards the chin and the trail of moisture it left behind. Suddenly she was interrupted, feeling a touch on her shoulders, and she tensed up. Words were spoken, but Amilthi refused to process their meaning. The female voice was soft, the woman clearly well-meaning, and she could hardly know she wasn't helping. "Wait", Amilthi managed to hiss, not aggressively, but with a sound of urgency in her voice.

Back to the sensation on her cheek. Upon close examination, it turned out to be a curiously inconstant thing. What gave rise to the experience of a line on her cheek was, in fact, a rapid alternation of individual punctiform sensations in different places. In the fractions of seconds in which she felt the moisture in one place, she didn't perceive it elsewhere, and then, in the next fraction, the place changed, many times per second. As Amilthi's attention was glued to this mesmerising phenomenon, the tormenting thoughts faded and receded, left looming vaguely in the background, but no longer readily spilling their toxic contents. For them to fully be dispelled would have required would have taken longer and more careful reflection, but now courtesy obliged her to interact with a person. Before concluding, Amilthi took hold tightly of a satisfying aspect of the whole situation: the experiment had been performed, it had failed, and now the analysis of its failure could proceed and yield insight.

Then, after perhaps a minute altogether, she opened her tear-stained eyes and looked at Mysa with an apologetic smile. "Forgive me for disturbing you. I really should be doing that sort of experiment when I'm alone. Considering what apparently happens when it fails, instructive as that is." She ended with a wry, slightly self-mocking smile. "I hope you had more success and I didn't ruin it entirely?" She wiped the remains of tears off her face with her sleeve.

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

The moment she felt the woman begin to tense, Mysa retracted herself enough to not be overwhelming. While she may have been well meaning, she realized that not everyone reacted to such things in the same way, some preferred to help themselves, some would find it a sign of weakness to have assistance. This... Didn't quite feel like that, but she waited patiently all the same, there in case she was needed, but giving the woman her space.

Every bone in her body was urging her toward helping, to speaking, to wiping away the tears, but she resisted. The woman clearly needed time. In the silence which followed Mysa closed her eyes and focused through the Force, allowing her sudden increase in heart rate, sudden unexpected jolts of emotion and concern, to be released. It wasn't something she had practiced hardly as much as she ought to, but there was a chance now to redeem all of that, to start anew.

She breathed slowly in through her nose, and quietly out through her mouth, once again feeling the Force wash over her in calming waves. It was something she had always felt Thurion do whenever one of them was distressed, it had kept her last strands of sanity in tact after the incident with the Alchemical Fiend, something she would no doubt have to face again if she was going to get over the hurdles in her future.

When the woman began to speak again she drew herself from her mind and opened her eyes, offering the lightest of smiles.

"You are more than fine, I was just about finished with my meditations, friend." Experiments... That was what she had just witnessed? They seemed intense, not at all the sort of thing Mysa would willingly subject herself to, if only because she already knew what sort of monsters would arise if she let her mind wander so freely. "I just hope that you are well, would you like something to drink?"

Mysa half rose then; there was a canister of water to the side of the door, where she had left her shoes. After her ordeal in the deserts surrounding the Enclave, she had thought it best not to go without again. It seemed a good general rule of thumb to have, after all.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"You're very kind, thank you. I'm quite alright", said Amilthi with a reassuring smile. She looked at Mysa with conscious attention for the first time. There was a general impression of coolness about her, and a curious mixture of softness and hardness. And yet there was an impression of depth: her smile was faint, but it somehow succeeded in expressing all the kindness that in other people would have made itself known much more vividly. Perhaps it was the thoughtful look in her eyes which tempted one to ascribe more significance to the smile. A more vivid display just seemed inconceivable from this woman, but she didn't appear emotionally flat, so that faint smile just had to be it.

For a just a moment after opening her eyes, Amilthi had noticed the Mysa had been breathing. Now she couldn't help commenting on what she considered an inadvisable practice in an area where she had a claim to not entirely inconsiderable expertise. "And forgive me if I'm being presumptuous in telling you, but you shouldn't do that - breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Here's why. It's an unnatural way of breathing - if you observe people who are just letting their breath happen naturally and unconsciously, you'll find they never do that", she explained as she rose from the floor with Mysa. "So if you do it, a fraction of your attention will always be caught up in maintaining the pattern. But you want to focus every last bit of your attention - on the breath or whatever your object of meditation is. The more you focus, the more deeply immersive states you can reach. So let your breath just happen as it would naturally. You'll find that you can pay attention to it without controlling it intentionally at all."

She looked to the ground briefly, as if giving Mysa time to think, and then again at the other woman. "I'm Amilthi, by the way", she introduced herself with a friendly smile. "Amilth Camlenn, knight of this order."

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

Mysa couldn't help but smile at the way the woman switched into the position of a teacher, or mentor, with just the smallest push. True, if Mysa had been meditating then focusing on her breathing would have been a mistake, however she hadn't been trying to immerse herself, just brush the emotions from her mind before they became too ingrained, and for that she often found that focusing on her breathing was the best course of action.

Since she had no inclination toward water, Mysa sank back to her knees and waited patiently for the woman to fully recover. What she had been hoping to achieve Mysa could not say with any certainty, yet to ask might have been perceived as rude. Some people were very private when it came to their practices, especially when the Force was involved. She could not blame them, everyone's relationship with the mystical energy was extremely personal.

"I wasn't meditating just now" was all that she said in response to the woman's teachings, "Though I thank you for your concern all the same, Master." By this point the woman's name and rank had been made available to her, and so Mysa inclined her head respectfully toward the Knight. "My name is Mysa, I am..." She was a Knight in one sphere of Jedi... But that did not matter now. "I'm an Initiate of this Order, only recently brought into the Enclave, by Master Raxis' blessing."

Slowly but surely she rose to her feet, the woman seemed to be doing much better at this point, she had risen to her feet and looked stable upon them. Nothing for her to worry over, besides if she was a Knighted Jedi then no doubt she knew what she was doing. It made little sense for someone such as Mysa to poke her nose in any further than she already had.

"Do you need to make use of this chamber, Master? I can vacate if so, I could not find a meditation garden, and I prefer to keep such practices away from the place I sleep." Not that she had made use of the provided bed yet, of course. Her chambers remained mostly untouched.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

As Mysa pointed out that what she had been doing wasn't meditation, Amilthi inclined her head slightly and regarded her with a quizzically skeptical look, but said nothing. Her expression softened as the young woman introduced herself. "Pleased to meet you, Mysa."

"No, I don't think I'm ready for another experiment just yet", she said with a wry, slightly self-mocking smile. "There is a garden, though you may not find it agreeable. Come, let me show it to you."

She walked away from the mats to pick up her slippers, throwing a glance at the curious rod-like object that Mysa had been holding while meditating and that was now lying on the floor. It made her wonder what the significance of it was, and what the young woman's former life had been like from which she must have brought this - unless this Master Raxis, with whom Amilthi was not familiar, had some rather unconventional ideas.

Standing by the floor, she looked back at Mysa invitingly to make sure she was coming. Casually, as if only to make use of the time, she asked: "So what were you doing, then?" Amilthi knew that she didn't read people well enough to tell with certainty what was going on here. Perhaps the young woman's response had been a reflexive reaction to unsolicited advice, which many people were apt to perceive as threatening. If so, it might be a hindrance in her life in the order, where such advice was not a rarity for the younger members, who were well-advised to learn to evaluate calmly its use for themselves and not immediately prime themselves to dismiss it with a deflecting reaction. But it wasn't entirely excluded that Mysa had known what she was doing, in which case it was something that Amilthi wasn't familiar with. She intended to find out.

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

There it was again, that word... Experiment.

Mysa did not know how safe it was to experiment in such a fashion with the Force, especially not alone. Well, she supposed that she was here so the woman hadn't exactly been alone, but as little more than an Initiate at this point, even with the experiences she had on her belt, Mysa highly doubted she would have been of much use if it had gone completely wrong.

But it was not her place to judge, so she did not.

"Any garden would be agreeable, in truth," she said, "Even if it is full of sand and cacti." The latter was merely a guess, this was a desert after all. She rose from where they had been kneeling and made her way toward the center of the mats where her shinai lay, reaching down to scoop it up in her left hand. There was nothing else in the room that belonged to her, no shoes to speak of just the socks which covered her feet, so she turned to follow the woman toward the door.

Her question had Mysa smiling.

"Well, I mean, before I heard you here I was meditating, but I was not utilizing such a breathing technique. No, I breathe in such a way when I am trying to quieten my mind, to calm myself. I cannot lie, I had not expected anyone to join me in here, and you seemed distressed, which elevated my blood pressure. Focusing specifically on my breathing helps to combat that."

She gave a light shrug, it might not have been the best practice but it worked. And that was what mattered, especially in moments such as this.

The door opened as she approached it and she waited for the woman to be finished so that they could begin their journey toward what little of a garden the Enclave boasted.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"Again, I'm sorry about that... And I'd call that a form of meditation", remarked Amilthi with an almost mischievous smile. "But if it does what you need it to do, I suppose you just keep doing it." She gave a shrug and turned to leave the room, apparently satisfied by the answer. Perhaps Mysa had adapted to it so much that for her, breathing in that way required much less concentration than for other people - or, more likely, this was actually a kind of moving meditation for her, where she became absorbed not in the observation of the breath, but precisely in directing it, and over being so engaged forgot any emotional troubles. In Amilthi's estimation, it sounded like a practice that was unlikely to lead anywhere further, but if it was meant to serve a specific purpose and did so, and no more was expected of it, then she didn't see much of a reason to advise against it.

"You seem to have a predilection for the unusual", she pointed out as they walked. "That... thing I saw you holding when you were meditating - what is it?" she asked, this time more curious than skeptical.

The Enclave's garden, into which they stepped soon after, was a neat and orderly arrangement. Its floor was paved with light beige stone tiles which also framed the flowerbeds, which contained stones from between which emerged cacti and a handful of low-growing, knotty trees. Benches of the same stone were set next to them. On one side, there was a parapet that separated the garden from a deep cliff that offered a magnificent view into the valley below. A wind frequently came up the cliff, providing the garden with some coolness even on hot days, but this early in the morning, the air was actually somewhat chilly this high up in the mountains.

"Some people do indeed prefer to meditate here, though it's not always as quiet as the practice rooms. I understand the custom is that if you come here, you need to be able to cope with people occasionally talking in the background", explained Amilthi.

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

"I suppose it is meditation in a sense, though... I only did it for a couple of seconds."

She smiled for a moment, clearly not at all bothered by the fact that she was being questioned on her methods. She was here to learn, after all, to truly earn the title she had been handed within the Silver Jedi, and that meant listening to what her betters had to say, their knowledge was invaluable, they had the experience she was lacking. Had proven themselves time and time again.

Though of course that did not lessen her own experiences, of which there were plenty.

Following after the woman as they made their way out of the training room and through the Halls, she could not help but be amused by the question which was next posed to her. Lifting the shinai which was held now within her left hand, she offered it toward Amilthi with a smile.

"This is a shinai, though some would call it a kendo stick. It's a weapon, I suppose, used in martial arts, though more so for training purposes. Like a sword without an edge, made of bamboo or other materials like it instead of steel." Okay so it was nothing like a sword... But it served its purpose. "Where I come from, we're trained to fight with archaic weapons, broadswords, bows, and the like. This," she gestured with it once again unless the woman had taken it in which case the gesture was made toward it, "Was something I used before I was trusted with a real weapon. Think of it like a training lightsaber..."

Mysa did not possess any of her weapons. Not the bow she had hand crafted, or the sword her Grandpa had gifted her, nor did she have the attire she had always worn on the icy planet. All had been left behind in her haste to seek redemption. She should have missed it, longed for it... But she didn't.

There were brothers back home who could make use of it all, cousins. They had a sprawling family now, and one among them would not be so easily missed.

She became aware that their surroundings had changed as they stepped out into the sun, admittedly most of it was covered by the rocks which cast shadows over the courtyard-like garden. As she had suspected, sand and cacti lay all around, as well as some hardy trees and flowers. Pleasant, starkly different from Midvinter.

Thankfully she was no Valkyri, so it didn't do her any real damage to be out in this heat.

It wasn't hot by most people's standards, though she had no doubt the temperatures would rise as the day progressed. Her mind might change when that happened, but for now it was pleasant for her.

"A little noise doesn't bother me, I'd see it as a challenge in truth. Out in the field I won't always have a silent corner to retreat to, but meditating will be just as - if not moreso - important in the throw of things than it is here. Thank you for the heads up, of course. And for showing me to this place... It's beautiful."

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi regarded the shinai with a curious look, but didn't take it from Mysa's hands. Perhaps the sensations arising from balancing it on one's fingers could form an interesting object for meditation. But the fact that Mysa had kept this remnant of a primitive age as a keepsake from her former life was something that might warrant attention. "Just be mindful of the pull the past might want to exert over you", she pointed out. "It's known to do that, and to be driven by that pull, either to give in to it or to be sent fleeing by it is not a good thing. Just note it and let it be, if it arises." Amilthi had gained some confidence in this student's ability to hear her words and take away from them what was useful to her, instead of missing the point by becoming unnecessarily defensive, getting caught up in the defence of some sort of self-image. If she was right about that, the young woman had already attained important truths and would be rewarded with rapid progress in her studies.

"I rather like it, too. But then I've got a thing for deserts, I suppose", remarked Amilthi with a wry smile as Mysa expressed her appreciation for the garden. "And you're quite right, it can be useful to challenge oneself in this way to learn to deal with more... intense inputs. Some people also find it to be of significance that there are other living things around here, though I'd be the wrong person to talk to about how to incorporate that into your practice." The whole matter of being aware and feeling connected to the world around oneself, and the live in it in particular, was indeed not Amilthi's strong suit. It was on her list of things to pay attention to and study more closely at some point in the future, but there was so much to explore about the mind and the Force, and so the list was long. She had still not attained the mastery over her self that she aspired to, and that was a higher priority for now.

As a sudden afterthought to their previous conversation, she asked: "But you do have a proper lightsabre now, do you?"

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

"Oh" she said, before shaking her head, a small smile running along her expression, "Worry not, Master, the one I actually trained with was burned when I received my first sword. This is simply one I found within the stores, apparently they're not used so much - after all, training sabers are much more useful to Jedi - but there were a few. I left all of my belongings behind when I traveled here, the only reason I meditated with the shinai today was because the balance of it tests my focus. You see, it's bottom heavy... So any slight tremor can be enough to send it clattering to the ground."

The woman seemed not to want to take it to get a feel for what it was, and that was fine, "Though I appreciate the concern, and of course it is something I will be mindful of going forwards. I know all too well the pains of attachment, and it is my hope to overcome it as I rewalk this path."

It would be better the second time around. She would play the role of Initiate, and Padawan, as the Jedi had always intended, without the lines becoming blurred. That was her hope, at least. Throughout all of this Mysa's tone had remained steady, she had not taken offense to what had been said, nor did she feel the need to become overly defensive, she understood, she knew the struggles for she had lived them.

She enjoyed the pleasantries of the courtyard, and happily listened without remark as the woman spoke on it, and on the importance of challenging oneself. Progress was hollow if you didn't strive to better yourself, at least it was in Mysa's eyes. You did not get better by doing things you'd already mastered.

"Yes, Master, I have a lightsaber. It was the only thing I brought from my previous life, though it may be prudent of me to forge another when the time is right. I am aware that the one I carry is another anchor to the past, it will hinder my redemption, but it would be foolish of me to leave myself undefended in the meantime."

Who knew when the Alchemical Fiend would appear again. Or any other threat. While she wasn't a reckless or aggressive individual, that didn't mean she'd simply roll over and die if presented with such an assault.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi listened with patient attention, a pensive expression creeping onto her face. Mysa spoke of re-walking the path of a Padawan, and of a lightsabre she had brought from her previous life, which was most curious. What was more, she appeared to regard this previous life as a failure of some sort and to be driven by a desire to correct it by doing things right this time. Her thoughts of a new lightsabre spoke of a wish for purification - redemption was the word she had used. Amilthi would have certain things to say about that, but perhaps this wasn't quite the time yet. First she wanted to know more about what was behind this mysterious student.

"Certainly there is no reason to give up your lightsabre", Amilthi confirmed as if it were a matter of course, seeming even surprised at the thought. "Forgive my curiosity - would you tell me about what you call your 'previous life'?"

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​

 

[Lief]

The question caught her momentarily off guard, though to say she hadn't been expecting the discussion at some point in her immediate future would be a lie. She had barely scratched the surface with Master Raxis, telling him just enough that he would understand her predicament, and permit her to remain here. There was, of course, no grandeur around it, she had not been a Sith in search of the Light, or some rowdy rulebreaker... But despite all of that, she had allowed herself to fall into a toxic and rather self-serving state of being that conflicted with the path she had somewhat unknowingly been working towards.

After a few moments of such thoughts she gave a very slight nod of her head, and let out the smallest of sighs. Her posture, which had previously been almost rigid in perfection, seemed to deflate ever so slightly, though she did her best to keep her mind clear rather than be weighed down by the past she had stepped away from.

"I was raised by the former Grandmaster and Master of the Order of the Silver Jedi," she stated, glossing over the first five or so years of her life which had been spent in a laboratory, times she did not wish to relive right this moment, "And naturally, the Light was my guide. I aspired to become a Jedi, however I never really committed to this. My focus was on the family I had been given, the culture which had taken me in as one of their own, my dedication to the Force was eclipsed by my devotion to the Valkyri Gods, and rather than serve the needs of the Galaxy at large, it was to the people of Midvinter that my time was given. To protect and serve them, in lieu of all else that was happening across the stars."

A very subtle frown began to play at her lips, though she managed to meet the gaze of the Jedi who stood across from her, and offered a wry smile.

"There was always something else to drag me back, to keep me from furthering myself as a Jedi, whether it was the Vinterbound, of familial affairs... And eventually I simply settled there, a member of their Royal Family, no less... I fell in love, I grew further attachments, and I forsake every other duty I had to build up this lie I had dug myself into. It wasn't until..."

Mysa shook her head, not wanting to go into that right now, and simply let out a sigh.

"I came close to the edge of corruption, I almost fell, and yet it seemed as though the moment I showed signs of recovery after... what happened..." She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to banish the vision of the Alchemical Fiend from her mind, before it could latch on, and inhaled a slow breath, "All was forgiven. As though nothing had ever happened in the first place. I realized, afterward, that the life I had led was not the one I wanted, I had strayed from the Light, and from the duties I hold to the Galaxy at large, and so I left it behind. I forsake the titles I had been given, I absolved myself of my rank as Jedi Knight, and my feet brought me here, to Deneba... Where I hope to form a stronger foundation to build upon, rather than one borne of turbulence."

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi smiled briefly at Mysa, but her expression quickly and awkwardly dissolved into one of confusion, thoughtfulness, and perhaps even skepticism as she listened. It was not a look that put others at ease. The hints Mysa gave her of the thicket from which she had just emerged gave Amilthi a better understanding of where that desire for purity she had witnessed came from, and it also gave her a better idea of how to talk to the young woman. She would need no training in how to engage with the Force - she was here to learn how to engage with herself and the experiences the world might throw at her.

The Jedi studied the Force and cultivated themselves, and much of it they did through the same means. But it was perhaps to some extent an accident that various meditation techniques served both purposes, and it was possible to connect to the Force without undergoing the changes in being that the Jedi aspired to.

For a moment, Amilthi looked into the distance, pondering where to start. Then she turned back to Mysa and looked at her intently.

"There is one thing I want you to be aware of: you have nothing to make up for. You must not think that having emerged from these events burdens you with a duty you must discharge to redeem yourself. It may help you, now that you are a Padawan learner, to avail yourself of a luxury this station affords: to let others determine what your duty is to be considered to be. You can trust this order not to be concerned with your past", she stated firmly.

"The past is gone, it cannot be changed, and it cannot touch you if you do not let it. You should not dwell on the topic. Study yourself and your experiences as they are in the present, discover new ways of being, and do not let yourself be caught up in a narrative. You may think I am asking you to ignore the past and throw away its lessons, and to some extent I am. You must be able to look at it and regard it without regret, to view it as simply a fact of the universe that does not pertain to you, personally, in any particular way. You are not the person to whom this happened. But this insight you will not obtain from trying to force yourself to face the past immediately. It is the wrong place to build your strength. It is something you will return to later."

Suddenly, Amilthi's serious, almost stern expression dissolved into a soft smile. "Let me ask you something, Mysa - do you know how to be happy?"

[member="Mysa Snowstrider"]​