Private If I Should Die Before I Wake

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber

Days turned into weeks, and the pain Azurine continued to endure never truly seemed to let up. It was intense, as if her heart was struggling to push the blood through her veins, and that blood had turned to magma to send shooting burn through her skin. At first, she had been able to set it to the side. Bury it along with the rising madness it brought with it. She was making connections, beginning to find happy moments in this life she'd found, but the pain persisted. It kept her awake more and more often, leaving her in tears practically nightly, but she still put on a smile and pushed onward, hoping it would end. It never did. In fact, it only got worse.

Deep down she knew what was killing her; the twisted and distorted bond that cemented her soul to that of the ghost of her former masters. The universe was trying to correct the imbalance they'd unintentionally created. What scared her the most was that some days, she wanted to let it succeed.

She had been looking more and more like hell with every passing day, the bags under her eyes growing with time along with a physical weakness that left her bed ridden more often than she wanted to be. Usually, she was able to pull herself together enough to make it somewhere if she was supposed to be, trying so hard to keep up the act and wait it out. Today, she'd been expected to meet Aris to spar. She had even tried to pull herself out of bed to do it, only to collapse at the attempt. It would be fine, she thought, he could manage if she missed this time.

She curled in on herself on the floor of the room she'd been given when she arrived with blood dripping from her nose. If she'd had a roommate, she certainly wouldn't have been able to pretend for so long. She owed Valery Noble and Vera an apology given that this was the reason she didn't spend more nights at their home instead, but the thought was drowned out by the pain that made her seize and how hard it was to breath. She had tried to explain it once, after her encounter with Darth Reign and Darth Rellik, a desperate cry for help from someone who barely understood what to do to change it, but she hadn't managed to do it properly. So her mind continued to war with itself and her body, and the tides of it were finally turning on her.

Aris Noble​

 

[Aris Noble]

She was late.

Aris frowned as he stood in the training room, still working his stretches just to keep his mind busy and avoid over thinking things. She was too earnest to just, not arrive, right? Even late was off. He lowered his arm, his frown as ever still on his face as he again looked to the door. Then let out a sigh. It wasn't a long run, at least. He started to jog, heading towards the Zabrak's room.

Hard breathing. Pained breathing. Aris blinked once before he didn't hesitate to crack open the door, lock and all, with a crunch of metal. And there she was. Azurine, on the floor. Pale. Bloody. He scooped her up immediately.

"If you're awake enough, make a call to Master Valery. I'm bringing you to the infirmary."

Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

Azurine sure as hell didn't know how long she'd been there, but to her, the time passing felt almost like an illusion. She couldn't think much outside the pain and, for now, had given up trying to pretend. For all she knew, the end was coming sooner than she'd thought, and the research she'd attempted to find some way to fix it, all of her pushing through it and hoping for better, had just prolonged an inevitable. Any guilt or fear she had was buried under the willingness to finally let go.

Her bloodshot, violet eyes reacted to the sudden burst of light from the doorway, but her vision was blurred from the shock it caused. Had she left the door unlocked? She didn't think so, but her mind couldn't keep focused on anything, let alone something so trivial. Finally, her eyes managed to get a better look through the mental fog at the figure. Silver hair—

"K-Kynn," the name came out in a hushed broken tone before her brain could make out any other features than that, though she immediately regretted it when the rest of her vision gave way, and she realized how badly she'd mistaken the face.

"I'm sorry I missed, Hotshot. Call today a ... win by default," Azzie attempted to pull herself together, trying to wipe the blood from her nose and fake a smile, anything to make Aris go away and leave her be. It didn't work

Before she could react, she was lifted into the air, and the act was dropped immediately. She tried to fight against it, the part of her that didn't want to be saved this time winning the battle. "Please, let it go. I can't keep doing this ..." She begged, pleading with him to stop. She didn't even know if anything could be done beyond throwing her in stasis again, as by all accounts other than her soul, she should have been healthy, and she'd much rather take the end than delay it further. She couldn't bear another who knows how many years locked away just to be put through this all over again.

Aris Noble​

 

[Aris Noble]

"No stasis. Whatever this is, I'm sure you were woken up because it was something that could be fixed now, right?"

That was what happened. She was woken up then found, right? His brow furrowed in thought. It was Valery Noble and his dad who knew all the details, not Aris himself. Right now, though, he carried an incredibly weak feeling Azurine in his arms and was trying not to freak out over it. She couldn't even make him stop, that's how weak she was. How much trouble she was in.

"Call mom. She'll be able to help. Don't just- give up. That's-"

Oh this was a new feeling. Aris tightened his grip on Azurine just a bit. No, it wasn't a new feeling. He remembered it with Braze . Frustration.

"Just- no giving up."

Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

Azurine gazed at up him with the broken eyes of someone who looked as though the light had already left them. The amethyst color of them was so clouded over with the smoke left behind that they looked almost ashy rather than the usual vibrant purples.

Was it really giving up, or was it letting go? Were those two statements even the same?

She couldn't seem to find an answer to that question. Maybe she had more time. But what was the point? This pain that felt like it was burning her alive from the inside out wasn't going to do away. She was so tired —tired of all of it— Tired of pretending she could just go on and it would get better, tired of spending nights sobbing alone, tired of coughing blood in the mornings and assuming it was just adjusting.

"I was supposed to die when he did," she muttered softly, but she knew nothing she had to say on the subject would matter. Though, perhaps that was likely her own fault. She barely understood what a bond of this caliber truly entailed when it had been warped and knotted into something that wanted to yank her soul from her body by any means. Trying to explain how she felt like she was literally losing her body along with her mind had been too difficult to find the proper words for.

I don't want to fight anymore ... just let it take me, for the love of the force!

Her thoughts shifted so drastically that it was hard for her to believe they were even her own. She gritted her teeth, knowing the worst part was that she couldn't find another argument against it right now like she had been doing, and shook her head, again clawing back against his grip. This time, she used everything she had in her, gaining a tiny spark of desperate energy she hadn't had, even if she felt her heart rate continue to drop. "Get away from me, Aris! I'm damned if break this ... and clearly I-I'm damned if I don't!"

If just trying to break the remains of the bond that had shattered so traumatically could kill, but leaving it intact and hoping it would deteriorate naturally was doing the same only slower, then what kind of hope really was there?

Aris Noble​

 

[Aris Noble]

Aris's expression.. Hardened, as he felt Azurine claw at his hands. Demand he let her die. Why? Why were people like this? Death was so easy to get for them. People were fragile. His body couldn't break in a way that could kill him that he knew of yet, and that was including getting beaten by a Sith Lord who only sought entertainment in Aris's struggle.

But he'd struggled.

And now Azurine wasn't. The most struggle she had was to let her stop?

"There's always more options."

If she was going to try so hard just to give up, then, he'd fight her for the inverse. Right into the medical bay, laying her down on one of the tables. It was Iris Arani who'd be there, blinking in surprise as she looked over to the two. Her expression was as ever, blank. Studying, watching not the people themselves but the colors she saw.

She didn't like the colors, by how grim her expression was.

"Get your mother, Aris."

The command was clear, and Aris nodded once as he sort of rushed off to fine Valery Noble . Iris in turn stayed beside Azurine, Mediscanner in hand to look her over, scan for disease, injury, the like. She had an inkling that she'd find nothing with technology, though.

"Tell me what's going on, Azurine."

Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

Hell, what is wrong with me?! Just get up and keep going!

The thought screamed through Azurine's brain but was quickly drowned out by the pain that she couldn't quite bury away anymore along with all the dark emotions that came with it. It twisted through her mind, pulling out an icy cold she was all too familiar with by now. She found herself wrapped in that darkness as it called out to her in hushed whispers. To give in to the desperation, that the dark could save them both. She finally found something that scared her more than her own willingness to just fade away, and it was that siren song floating through her.

It became clear quite quickly that Aris wasn't going to just back down. A trait she admired so much in him being used against her, there was a certain irony to that which she couldn't appreciate in the moment. Soon, she was laid out across a table, and a new pair of eyes was looking at her, beautifully colored like that of a rainbow yet somehow keeping them devoid of expression.

Of course, Iris was right in her assumption. There was nothing the machines could pick up. No injuries, no sickness, yet all scans came back as critical.

The colors around Azzie were dark, muddied, and muted. Her aura was dim, a pitch black cutting through its edges and sending shades of cracked reds into it like a broken pane of glass. Those jagged blackened edges seemed to be being pulled right out of her, attached outward by silvery whisps which attached to a presence without a body —that also looked to be fading— that was colored like that of a dimmed light. It was like her soul was being splintered and ripped away from her body because they seemed to become an ethereal silvery blue. At it's core though, there was still a spark of that multicolored fire that she was so known for. A fading and suffocating spark. Faint and desperate, but there nonetheless. It clung to life and shot further pain through her veins in doing so.

"I'm cursed for leaving, I have to be ... I ..." she muttered, curling in on herself and clenching her eyes shut to keep out the bright lights of the room that seemed far too overwhelming. Her mind worked overtime through the fog to find the right words for how she was feeling, and in a way, she was sort of correct. She just didn't have the full understanding. She'd gone down hill much more quickly than she'd expected, assuming that it would get better if she ignored his presence and tried to move forward. It was clear, though, that the smallest effects of this had been going on for long before now, likely all the way back to her awakening. "I think I've ... overstayed my wecome ... in this time—" her voice was cut off as she coughed into the pillow, a pool of blood left behind.

Aris Noble | Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"Overstayed, huh?"

Iris frowned deeply as she closed her eyes. The colors didn't fade, they weren't attached to her eyesight after all, but she was watching them. She took a breath as she reached a hand out. The Force shifted then. Colors bled into the muteness, to fill them with life again. A temporary fix, but one Iris could offer, one Iris could focus on. Whatever this was though, that'd be a whole different thing to fix.

"Rest for now. Master Valery's on her way."

Aris, elsewhere, had sent the call. Just outside the Halls of Healing he had his comlink on, directly calling Valery Noble . The moment she picked up?

"Azurine is dying. We're in the Halls of Healing."

Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

Azurine clenched her eyes shut tight, trying so hard to keep the darkness out. Physically, her body was shutting down from the tug of war on her spirit. Mentally, she was being consumed. She didn't know which was worse at this point or which she was more terrified of. She could feel the darkness seeping into her thoughts like ink spilling through clear water, a slow but relentless tide that threatened to consume her. It was thick and cold, dragging her down, whispering words of hopelessness and despair in a voice that sounded almost like her own. It urged her to turn from the light, å̵̞̹͎̱̹̈̀n̶͖̞̤̚͜d̸̨̖̆̋ ̷̯̯͉͙̔͗̊̇͝ṡ̶̘̍̀h̷̪̑̿̈́̾̈ḛ̵̜͈̪̓͐'̵͉͍͉̮̲͆̅̔̈́̿d̷͚̠̍̋̆̕͝ ̷̩̼̑̇b̵̘̪͖̠̲́̇͛͋͝é̴̛͙̕ ̸̼̱̪̰̎̎̈́̽a̵͍̤͓̗͛͒͋͝b̸̝̑ĺ̸̢͕͎̣̃̚͜͝ë̸͉̩͙͖́̒̂̿ ̷̡̮̥͉̅̍̓̚t̵̢̂̅̋͐͘o̶̧̥̻͙͘ ̵̤̑f̴̗͙̯̥͎͐̇͌i̴̢̛̞͎̘̍x̴̡̝̻̱͗̑͜ ̴̟̈͘ţ̵̙̜̦̫̌ḣ̴̤̈́̈́́ị̶̮̒̈͠s̶̺̺̀̎͂͆͑.

What the hell am I supposed to do ...?

Her thoughts ran around in knots, creating vicious loops of what if's and what now's. She would have given anything not to have been in this position in the first place, but that wasn't possible. She was a relic here, an echo where life had moved on. Each tug at her soul left her emptier, and with each passing moment, the fight drained from her. It was a curse, this bond —a cruel, unbreakable tether that twisted love into torment. They had been inseparable in life, bound by something deeper than words, but death had turned their connection into something maddening and distorted. It was killing her.

With every breath, she felt the threads of her soul thinning, unraveling under the strain. It was an agonizing surrender to something that had once been so beautiful, now relentless. The love that tethered her now tearing her apart from the inside. Then, suddenly, the pain started to dull. Though it was still there, it felt more like it had a week prior, weak and muted but bareable. Her breathing steadied and her violet eyes flew even more wide than they had before, staring at Iris with confusion.

"What did you—" she started, but decided quickly that she didn't want to question it now, having a relief she hadn't expected. What she didn't know was that this would only hold for so long, like a makeshift cork in a cracking dam. Maybe she might be able to sleep for a bit. She hadn't had much sleep in days.

"Thank you ..."

Iris Arani | Others directly involved​

 

[Valery Noble]

Valery's comlink buzzed sharply, and she answered without hesitation, Aris's urgent voice cutting through the static.

"Azurine is dying. We're in the Halls of Healing."

Her breath hitched, and she was already moving, her boots echoing through the stone corridors of the Jedi Temple as she sprinted toward the Halls. Her mind raced with a thousand thoughts, but she forced them aside, focusing on the connection she shared with Azurine through the Force. Even from a distance, she could feel the young woman's life force flickering, caught in a dangerous ebb and flow.

The doors to the Halls of Healing slid open, revealing the tense scene within. Iris stood beside Azurine, her hand outstretched, and Valery could feel the stabilizing influence of her former Padawan. Azurine, however, lay pale and trembling, her breathing shallow. The air was thick with darkness, a heavy miasma of despair that clung to every surface.

Valery crossed the room swiftly, kneeling beside Azurine and placing her hands gently on her Padawan's shoulders. "Azurine," she whispered, her voice firm yet comforting, "I'm here now." She brushed damp strands of hair from Azurine's forehead, her amber eyes scanning the young woman's face for any sign of awareness.

Looking up at Iris, Valery gave a brief, grateful nod. "You've done well keeping her stable. Thank you." Her voice was steady, but the concern in her eyes was unmistakable.

Valery closed her eyes, letting the Force flow through her. She could see the twisted bond sapping Azurine's strength, an insidious tether of darkness wrapped around her spirit. "I've never seen anything like this before..."

Iris Arani Azurine Varek ​

 

[Iris Arani]

​

Iris took a step back for Valery, giving her a nod. Space was important, far as she could tell. Though, her brow was all knitted together in focus. A rarity, especially for Iris. "I haven't either. It's like she's already half dead or something. It kinda looks like you, actually. Just.. Death, instead of the life you seem to share with your husband, if that helps at all?"

She shrugged after a moment, then glanced to the doorway. Aris was there, standing calm as ever, just, watching and waiting. Silent support, as ever.

Valery Noble | Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Right Arm | Glove
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

A strange sort of calm settled over Azurine —a warm wave that rolled in, quiet and unexpected, easing the agony with stillness. Not completely removed, but brought back to a level she felt to be bareable. She could finally breathe again without feeling her insides burn. She took a moment to take a long, deep breath, not knowing how many of them she might have from the gentle reprieve. Despite this, her mind was far from relieved. Her thoughts continued to wage war with each other.

With the help from Iris, she was lucid and aware, her head slowly shifting to the side when Master Valery entered the room, but there was a dull and smoky hopelessness behind her eyes that made them look like purple dusted storm clouds.

"I don't know what to do ... I don't know how to break it without it killing me, but it's killing me anyway ..." Azzie's words only seemed to make the dullness of her eyes worse. Her voice was laced with the reality of just how tired she really was. She'd tried to cut through the ties on her own multiple times —though they had all ended the same way, with either not having the emotional strength to face it through or passing out from the attempt. She'd even considered the possibility of sith alchemical necromancy to save him somehow when she'd been told of the possibility, which ultimately ended in dead ends and crushed hopes.

How could you possibly ever lead anyone when you can't even save yourself?

The thought went through her mind before she could subvert it away, diverting her gaze to anywhere but Valery's or Aris's. She couldn't face them like this, knowing she was fighting both the urge to give up completely or give in to something darker.

T̴̤̱̏h̴̪̎̀̃͐ẻ̵͈͎̖͙͗̋͝ỵ̷̭̰͎̇̓͠ ̶͈̻̏c̷̯̆̕a̷̦̥͓͂͛̀n̶͖͖̝͒̋ͅ'̴̣͈́̊̏̓t̵̬͍̿̋̂̀ ̵̩̪̗͂̎h̷̩͖͉̾̔͐͝ę̵̛͓̪̓̄l̷̨͖̳̒̎̚͝p̷̱̹͓̺̍͘ ̷̞̐ỳ̴̝o̷̘̥̿̓u̴͖̩͎̇̂̈́̅.̵̝̂

Shut up ...

She clenched her eyes shut against the war that continued within her mind, her fear that the only thing anyone could do would be to suspend her in time again came crashing back full force. "Please, just don't leave me frozen again ... I can't go through all of that again, I just can't."

Iris Arani | Valery Noble​

 

[Valery Noble]

Valery's expression softened as Azurine's trembling voice reached her ears, the weight of the young woman's despair hanging heavy in the air. She could feel Azurine's turmoil through the Force — a swirling vortex of fear, hopelessness, and pain. Valery's heart clenched, but her resolve only strengthened.

"I won't let that happen," Valery said firmly, her voice a steady anchor amidst the storm. She reached out, her hands gently brushing Azurine's shoulders, grounding her with a touch filled with warmth and care. "You're not alone in this, Azurine. I won't let you face it alone, and I won't let it consume you."

Her amber eyes turned briefly to Iris, a flicker of gratitude crossing her face before her gaze shifted back to Azurine. "Whatever this is, we'll face it together. You have my word."

Valery closed her eyes for a moment, extending her senses through the Force, diving deeper into the tangled web that ensnared Azurine. The darkness was insidious, clinging tightly to the Padawan's essence like a parasite. She could feel its intent — predatory and unyielding, yet with a thread of connection that felt disturbingly... personal.

"I can feel it," Valery murmured, her brow furrowing as she probed the edges of the bond. "The bond, like my own, but..." Valery frowned, as she felt it threatening to consume her Padawan. She exhaled softly, her fingers brushing a damp strand of hair away from Azurine's face. "But there's a way to sever it without losing yourself. I believe in you, Azurine. We'll find the strength to break this, together."

Valery shifted, kneeling closer to Azurine and resting her hands on the young woman's trembling ones. "I just need you to trust me and to trust yourself. Can you do that?" Her amber eyes searched Azurine's storm-cloud gaze, offering a lifeline in the midst of chaos.

"Will you let me guide you?"

Iris Arani Azurine Varek ​

 

[Iris Arani]

​

Iris took a step back now, more fully. She did give Azurine a sympathetic smile, the most expression she'd really even shown thus far. She knew how this felt. Not the loss of a bond, but the torturous feelings that'd make her want to give up. Valery had been there for Iris then. And she knew Valery would be here for Azurine now. They'd figure it out. And if there was help they needed in the medical department?

Good thing Iris was on duty.

Valery Noble | Azurine Varek

 

[Azurine Varek]

Twisted Bonds

Outfit: Clothing | Glove | Right Arm
Weapons: Lightsaber | Hook Swords

Azurine couldn’t bring herself to meet their eyes. Shame clung to her—heavy and suffocating—its weight far worse than any physical pain she’d endured. How could she look at them, knowing how far she’d fallen and the burden her struggle placed on their shoulders? Her gaze remained fixed on anything other than those in the room, her hands trembling as she clenched them into fists, trying to suppress the overwhelming wave of guilt that surged through her.

Valery's outstretched hands felt like a lifeline she didn’t deserve. She could see the hope spike through her master's aura—alongside Aris's and Iris's—their determination to pull her back from the brink, as well as their worry and their pain.

What if they saw the cracks, the irreparable damage that had left her in such a state? What if they realized she wasn’t worth saving?

Yet, as the voices of those around her reached her ears—steady, unwavering, and impossibly kind—something shifted. A hand rested on her own, firm yet gentle, and the warmth of that touch seemed to seep into her, softening the edges of her despair.

"Whatever this is, we'll face it together. You have my word."

The words lingered in Azzie's mind, like a flame struggling to burn in the depths of the cold void. She dared to lift his gaze, meeting their eyes with hesitation, expecting judgment or pity but finding neither. Instead, she saw belief. Not in the broken person she was then, but in the person he could still become. In that moment, she was reminded of the trials she had been put through on Illum, and her heart twisted in her chest.

"I-I'm sorry. I should have come to you sooner..." Her voice a hoarse whisper as she muttered the broken apology that barely escaped her lips. Her gaze shifted slowly to Aris—standing rigid in the doorway—his aura ripe with his support and his worry. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Her words this time directed at him, having never given up on her despite her pleas for it.

She could feel it, faint and flickering, the tether they extended through their unwavering presence. Their belief in her became a bridge between despair and possibility. She wasn’t sure how she would break this or how to reclaim the parts of herself that had been lost to a dyad bond that had decayed into something akin to a consuming wound in the Force, but she wasn’t facing the darkness alone.

"I trust you... Please, guide me. I can't do this without you."

Valery Noble | Aris Noble | Iris Arani​