Hot Coals Beneath My Feet

[Joza Perl]

Joza’s hand slipped to weave into his hair, continuing to stroke softly. It didn’t seem to be doing much good, not that she had expected it to—this was the first time she’d been confronted with a complete and total mental breakdown. What could she even say or do to comfort such a broken man? This was something she was not qualified to handle, but Solan was a close friend and had always been there for her, so she would do her best to return the favor.

“Solan…” Her voice trailed, unsure of what to say to him. Maybe the right words for this situation didn’t exist. Pressing her forehead against his own, she sensed the lack of barriers in his mind. Like water flowing from an open spigot, she didn’t really have to consciously try and enter his mind—it sort of seemed to just…happen.

In that instant, she touched upon his memories. Something so private and intimate to a person, and she wouldn’t usually allow herself to look unless necessary. She saw his daughter, Kira, those cold nights where he was a shell of a man. Of when he was younger, before he became the Shadow Prince. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth, but steeled herself in the face of this nauseating cocktail of anguish, fear and guilt.

“Can you stand?” Her voice was soft a she tugged at his arm, not hard, but enough for him to feel it. She waved the servant off, not wanting to crowd the man and intending to bring him elsewhere so that he could rest more comfortably and away from the wing that triggered these painful memories.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

Joza would find his body responding where his mind couldn't following her hand as she helped him up and knowing that the voice speaking to him was familiar, almost like a distant echo. He knew someone was there, but his mind couldn't bring him to remember who was at his side, to register who he was seeing so instead he tried to stay with that person until he could repair the amage done on his own head. It was easier said than done though as he atleast had the help of the still curled up miniature wolf who lay on the ground not far.

Kira held his mind together, the wolf named after the woman long dead. Keeping him from shattering utterly and past the point of return. For all the damage done so far, for even the loss of a sense of self, the wolf anchored that sliver of what was left in place as it laid there, unable to move itself as its entire consciousness was spent protecting and securing that person with whom it was tied to. The process was a taxing one but it kept Solan from truly becoming a brainless and broken man unable to do anything, unable to speak or read, or even walk for the most part.

If Joza didn't take a hold of the wolf in her arms, the Servant would, knowing already that it was important to Solan in a way that most people weren't. Its black fur somehow giving off a form of light, even if that glow seemed to be a strange one.

Solan would remain in this state though, all through the walk towards wherever it is that Joza would bring him to. He was slowly reassembling but even then he still felt empty, the process not a simple one as he had to pull back together the very shattered personality that had scattered like this and now left a husk of a man beside his friend.

 

[Joza Perl]

They moved back down the hall from the direction they’d come in, stopping at the little sitting area they’d been in when she first arrived. She helped Solan onto a couch before standing to pour him a shot of Corellian whiskey.

“Drink this.” Handing it to him gingerly, she settled beside him on the couch and squeezed his free hand with her own. Silence lapsed between the two for a few moments. Though not too adept at controlling the natural functions of others, she attempted to reach out and steady his breathing, hoping at least to quell the shaking. This was definitely beyond panic attack status.

“Solan, I’m sorry, I…shouldn’t have asked. But why in the Galaxy did you not allow yourself to mourn?” He knew as well as she did what bottling up emotions could do, so she wouldn’t try and lecture him about that. That was probably the last thing he needed anyhow. Squeezing his hand again, her voice would lower. “You know that I’m here for you, right?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

Solan's body was placed down and his eyes staring blankly at the far off wall, hands laying there but feeling as a glass was placed in one. He didn't bother looking down, didn't seem to look at anything but soon enough one question brought some small bit of life back to him. Why he had not allowed himself to grieve, why he sat here now with a void in his chest because of that fact and why she was here helping him now. His eyes turned to look at the woman who he had forgotten was there and with soft words he answered her, a short and simple answer.

"I couldn't... i had to continue on." He had had so much to do. A decade preparing this world, the years before that trying to salvage what life he had. There had been no time to grieve, no one to force that on him, no one to sit him down and to simply leave him like this. He had broken down before but instead of grieving, the memories and emotions were sealed away and robbed from him by Theran Listeners so that he could keep going. His body was something to be used like a tool, he was an object meant to help others and his eyes shook as they stared at Joza.

"Tools don't feel, they continue without pause."

 

[Joza Perl]

It made sense. He was the King of Kesh, with so many lives and responsibilities resting on his shoulders. He had to lock away those powerful emotions in order to soldier on and fulfil his duties, but they festered without having the chance to be properly expressed. It might not have made him feel better, but it would be the start to healing.

Not that one could ever heal fully from something like this. At the very least, she hoped that he’d be able to smile genuinely again and find some sort of peace.

Squeezing his hand, she encouraged the flow of emotions. At least he was speaking to her, which was progress. Slowly, her face went from a look of soft understanding to mild shock. Tilting her head, she did her best to catch his gaze—and if she couldn’t, a hand would cup his chin and guide him to that he was looking at her.

“Solan, you are not a tool. I never want to hear you say that again. You are so, so much more than that.” Her voice was soft but stern. She was afraid to conjure anything louder, that it would seem out of place. But this whole situation was out of place. Taking in a breath, she exhaled slowly before speaking again.

“I also want you to take care of yourself. I know how much you care for your friends, but do you not realize that we care for you just as much? This isn’t a one-way street, Solan. You can’t be so self-sacrificing as if your life is worth nothing. You also don’t need to bear this pain alone, and you shouldn’t. It’ll kill you. If you need a shoulder to lean on, well…here I am.”

She paused, wondering if she should addend that last part but decided against it. “I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I’ll help you through this whether you want me to or not.”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

The man stared at his friend, his voice lost as she went on about how he could not do this and let his suffering be his own. And in that moment it struck no further than under the first layer of his skin. His eyes fell again and they darkened as he sat there, staring at the woman's hand that was on his chin before moving past it to stare at the floor. As far as his mind could care in that moment he was still as he had always believed after so much time. One pep talk would not override a decade of festering doubt and feelings concerning who he was compared to others and this was especially true now when all he could do is sit and stare without his mind capable of truly normal thought.

Kira provided a record of this, though, the wolf having lain nearby so that she could be placed in a comfortable spot while repairing the king's mind. It was probably one of the few times Joza would be able to communicate with the creature on such a base level, purely through emotion that it conversed with her and tried to explain it would be there to help the broken man when those others couldn't.

Solan inside wondered why he was weak enough to let all this happen to himself. Why he was weak enough to fall apart over all of this when he should be able to lock it away like before. His mind trying to but being stopped by the Ashlan wolf and the small influence Joza had on his mental state right now. His eyes shifting back to the woman with confusion behind the otherwise empty eyes and his voice still trapped in his through as it was unable to mutter anything resembling a full sentence to the woman. So instead he shook his head, the motion barely there but attempted.

 

[Joza Perl]

Silence fell between the two, a damaged, unsettling silence. She had tried to reach Solan, but either she hadn’t pushed hard enough, or he was too far gone right now. Swallowing the worry that tightened her throat, Joza simply continued to hold him.

She idly reached a free hand out to scratch Kira behind the ear, nearly recoiling at the sudden flood of thoughts as she touched the little creature.

Ah.

The pair communicated silently, empathy being their conductor. It was a strange way to converse, but it served its purpose well enough. Somehow, the Ashlan wolf was able to support Solan’s mind and was in the process of repairing his psyche. Strange, but…comforting in a way, perhaps. Where Joza had failed, Kira could take over. Now all they could do was wait.

Her instinct to nurture found that unbearable, especially when someone so close to her was hurting so bad. Shifting slowly, she rubbed at his scalp with her fingertips while murmuring softly. “It’s not your fault,” She repeated slowly. “It’s not your fault, Solan.”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

The flow of time that passed was no doubt an agonizing situation, leaving gaps in time between moments of clarity for Solan himself to be perceived as hours, when it was probably seconds or minutes.

Contrary to what Joza believed through, her aid was not useless and helped to anchor what remained of Solan's sanity in place alongside Kira's own efforts. The pair created a structure for him to lean on and build back up from, something to create a base for his psyche. Granted, that didn't show outwardly so easily as it would had he not been shattered as far as he was, but it was a support structure all the same for him.

That agonizing length of time though started to adjust and come into lengths with the real world. His eyes turning to look at the creature who would slowly uncurl and look back at him. The both of them knew the damage wasn't repaired, not fully, but they did understand he wasn't gone anymore. It was that fact that made him blink now and look at the woman who was beside him with still faraway eyes. It took him a few seconds to register that it was Joza and a few moments more before he found a word.

"Joza. Please stop. I generally like my hair the way it was."

Even as he tried to joke, the voice that came from him was soft, softer than normal. Scared of his own voice in a way it had barely left his throat.

 

[Joza Perl]

And then he spoke. Finally. Even if his voice was soft and broken, like that of a man who was speaking for the first time in years, it was almost musical. It was a relief. He was coming back, slowly.

“I’ll have you know I’m an expert stylist.” She mused softly, a deep chuckle following her words. Acquiescing, she moved her hand to his upper back, rubbing in gentle circles between his shoulder blades.

Even if he was returning, they were not out of the woods yet, especially seeing as how he initially looked at her as if she were a stranger. But a light of recognition and had sparked in his eyes after a few moments.

“Drink your whiskey, Solan. Or would you prefer water?” She tilted her head towards the shot glass that had been placed in his hand while he was still “gone”.”It looks like Kira has more talents than being cute, hm?”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

"Just water..." He answered, still seemingly afraid of his own voice as it came out hesitant and soft. The man barely looked up, barely looked at anything really other than the few familiar things that were nearby. Two of which being Joza herself who he was more or less leaning against, and the black furred Ashlan wolf that was resting after keeping two minds together on her own, especially considering that their minds were connected and any damage on his mind was transferred to hers, and vice versa.

It was when she mentioned Kira being cute that he smiled a small bit, that some bit of him recovered enough to focus on the creature with a smile and nodding. "She is impressive..." He mused to himself more than to Joza, looking at it with thanks leaving him and flowing into the creature that just opened one eye to stare at the both of them before closing it again. It was no doubt tired beyond anything that it had ever done physically, not wanting to even keep its eyes open at this point.

"Why are you still here..." His voice sounded again, obviously at Joza even if his head refused to turn this time and his eyes faltered. The sapphire colored orbs falling to the floor again as he barely was able to focus on the world around him. He wasn't tired, not even close in truth. It was the strain though that was taxing his body, leaving him more or less limp where he sat even if he would not be able to sleep no matter what anyone tried to do... short of knocking him out or drugging him.

 

[Joza Perl]

Humming softly at his response, Joza’s free hand extended out towards the pitcher of water that was brought out alongside the drinks, quickly pouring him a half-full glass. Handing it to him wordlessly, she smiled a bit and nodded when he mentioned Kira being impressive. Indeed, the little creature’s abilities extended beyond being adorable.

His question was unexpected, and a mixture of surprise and heartbreak shone across Joza’s face for a few moments before she forced it to fade. “You know why I’m still here, Solan.” Needless to say her voice was still lowered, softly. As if she were talking to an injured person or a young child so as not to sound harsh.

“You’re my friend, and I care about you. I told you that this isn’t a one way street.” Much like how he’d been there for her, so would she be here for him. Shifting his form in her arms slightly, the Zeltron sighed. “You know better than to let these things fester inside of you.”

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Aithne Charr]

[member="Joza Perl"]

His hands gripped at the water, both clasping around it and holding it there while his mind worked over what she had said in response. He was barely thinking at this point, staring at the glass and listening to her words just barely. He heard them, even looked at her when she said them but in the end he seemed to barely register that they were being said as far as an actual response or any light showing on his face. He stared at her though for a few long moments before frowning.

He didn't explain why he was frowning, instead, his attention returned to the glass in his hands and he took it to his lips with the liquid being poured down his throat. His mind was working at a million miles a minute still as he stared at the glass he was drinking from. It was a rather simple glass, something that would seem like it had no place in his home yet he had made sure that it was these that were used. He remembered ordering it, saying how he should not drink from something meant for a protector until he could protect people without fail. He couldn't remember when he had ordered it but he remembered he did.

His eyes twisted in his head now once more, looking at the zeltron as she shifted his form in her arms and he thought about her words more closely now. Sighing and speaking only two words. "I know."