Private Home Alone

[Kyell Laysel]

Location: Starlin's ship
Tag: Miri Nimdok

Kyell sighed.

Even though he wasn't out there fighting in the war like other Jedi, taking care of two babies alone for a while was no easy job either. He had no experience at all with handling children, and they cried so much. Usually, the 'burden' was shared between him and Miri, but she had been out there now as well. So Kyell sat alone on the couch with Lara cuddled up in his arms while Kyla was sleeping.

Soon, he'd bring her to bed as well, but the only way to get her to stop crying was to hold her.

I don't know what's worse, being stuck here alone or these holo shows... he grumbled to himself as he zapped from one channel to the other. Nothing was original, and he didn't really care for the overly sappy drama shows either.

The only thing he looked forward to was Miri coming home again, so they could make plans for days out with the kids. He needed that time away from work and the crazier things in life.

 

[Miri Nimdok]

Boots thudded against metal as Miri climbed to the top of the Bright Knight’s ramp. Having just returned from Selvaris via shuttle with a group of other Jedi who had participated in the battle, she bore the wounds of war, but was clean, bandaged, and back in civilian clothes already.

The holo was on, flicking through channels, but she couldn’t see who was watching it. Eli’s hoverchair wasn’t there, and Starlin preferred games to shows, so it had to be Kyell. She approached the couch from behind, pausing when he came into view, Lara curled up against his chest.

All she had wanted since leaving Selvaris was to come home to this. Yet now that it was right in front of her, she hesitated. Upbeat music played from the holo. Part of her wanted to cry, but she held back the tears. She had been holding everything back, keeping things to herself, not wanting to burden Kyell or anyone else with her problems. They were hers alone to deal with, weren’t they?

But after Selvaris, the dam was finally breaking.

<Hey,> she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. <How did things go while I was gone?>

Kyell Laysel​

 

[Kyell Laysel]

Location: Starlin's ship
Tag: Miri Nimdok

<Hey>

Miri's voice cut through his exhaustion and forced his eyes wide open. He had almost allowed himself to fall asleep with Lara still cuddled up against him, so even though he seemed startled, he was quite relieved that she had made her way back. Looking over his shoulder, Kyell beamed her a welcoming smile - one that showed just how happy he was for her to be back - but it faded a little when he noticed the bandages.

Something felt off about her.

<We've been good, but the kids missed you.> Slowly, he stood up with Lara in his arms and moved around the couch to approach her. Once close enough, he leaned in for a kiss and offered their daughter, so she could hold her again.

<I missed you too,> he then added, his smile now returning. Then, with a careful eye fixated on her, he let his hands trace down the sides of her arms. She had been hurt, and something was still on her mind even though she was safe.

Without saying anything, he wanted to reassure her that it was alright. That they could talk about it when she felt ready. If anything, silently communicating was one of his few strengths.

 

[Miri Nimdok]

Kyell was nearly asleep, she realized belatedly. Though he mustered quickly to her telepathic call, she felt a little bit guilty for disturbing him. But then she felt somewhat guilty for leaving him alone with the kids in the first place, even if he had been perfectly understanding.

He beamed at her. That felt nice. The kiss felt even better. <I missed all of you,> she said.

Then he handed Lara to her. Miri cradled her daughter, forgetting about everything else.

Kyell’s hands on her arms drew her back out. Lifting her face from where she had been nuzzling up to the baby, she met his blue eyes. There was a question in his gaze. He knew something was up.

Miri hesitated. <I’m not sure if I should continue my training,> she said at last, not knowing how else to begin. <I don’t feel like I’m fit to be a Jedi.>

Kyell Laysel​

 

[Kyell Laysel]

Location: Starlin's ship
Tag: Miri Nimdok

Even though he felt that something was wrong with her, Miri brightened up noticeably when he offered their daughter. There was a smile and everything that had happened faded into the background. It was only when he let his hands slide down her arms, that she snapped back to the present.

He almost felt sorry he did.

What followed was something that brought along a mix of emotions. In a way, he understood where she was coming from. Miri had never been an overly traditional Jedi, and she hadn't been trained within the ranks the way he had been. But her heart certainly had the strength and kindness of a Jedi. At least, most of the time.

<Why do you feel this way, love?> he asked before gesturing for her to sit down, so they could take their time and talk about it. Ultimately, this was her decision, and he wasn't going to be upset if she decided to leave the Order.

But he wanted to at least talk about it, and understand where it was all coming from.

 

[Miri Nimdok]

She wasn’t sure how she expected him to react. A complicated array of emotions flickered across Kyell’s face, all rather murky. Mainly, he just seemed confused. She couldn’t blame him—she had never indicated her dissatisfaction to him before, nor had she confided her fears. Intensely private as she was, her silence was as much motivated by fear as a desire not to burden him or anyone else with her problems.

The truth was, she was beginning to no longer recognize herself. Like she was becoming a different person, a stranger whom she did not know. If she didn’t know herself, who was she?

She let him guide her to the couch, adjusting her hold on the baby so that she would still be comfortable. Though clearly sleepy, Lara’s eyes were open. Miri turned from her to Kyell and found herself looking at the same shade of blue. Caring and inescapable.

Why did she feel this way?

<There are a few reasons,> she replied. <As you know, I wasn’t an active Jedi when we met. I had left the Silver Order without achieving knighthood. I was aimless, wandering the galaxy without a clear purpose. Then you came along and gave me a sense of direction again.>

She sighed. <I also don’t like leaving things incomplete. Finishing my training seemed like the right thing to do. But… the violence and bloodshed of all these battlefields, fighting alongside you, seeing your life in danger… It brings things out in me that I don’t like. Things I don’t think I was ever meant to express. But if I don’t allow myself to indulge in it, I’m too weak to be of much use otherwise.>

Kyell Laysel​

 

[Kyell Laysel]

Location: Starlin's ship
Tag: Miri Nimdok

As Miri began to speak, Kyell's emotions remained mixed, but for different reasons. It was heartwarming to hear that coming into her life had given her direction, but he couldn't help but wonder if she felt any pressure to follow down the Jedi path because of him. It seemed like that wasn't the case, as she expressed a desire to finish things she started, but perhaps it subconsciously still played a part in her decisions.

He would never want her to feel like she needed to do anything, just for him. Or was he just thinking selfishly now? This was about her, after all.

<You're not weak, Miri> Kyell began. <There's much more to being a Jedi than your strength with the Force or your skills with a lightsaber. I know it probably doesn't feel that way these days, with the war and all. You have a very strong heart, you're incredibly smart and if it wasn't for you, I would have been dead many times over.> He let out a soft sigh and shifted over to sit close by her side.

<But being a Jedi is also not an obligation. I'd never want you to be afraid of yourself, or of what we have to expose ourselves to. And I will support any decision you make about something so impactful on your life.>

 

[Miri Nimdok]

Kyell was supportive, but she suspected he was keeping a lot bottled up. Miri wanted to prod him a bit, trying to extract any doubts he was hiding or questions he was reluctant to ask—but trying to force it out of him would be hypocritical. Served her right for keeping all her issues locked inside. Now she had so many, she didn’t know what to do with them all.

<I don’t want to hurt you, Kyell,> she said. <But I haven’t told you everything. Just the sanitized version. The whole, complete truth may hurt.>

Was she afraid of herself? She hadn’t considered that question. A growing lack of self-recognition had marked her for some time—mixed with an eerie sense of self-discovery. Perhaps this is who I really am, she had wondered, and who I thought I was is a lie. Something imposed on me, or someone I thought would be nice to be. Mere artifice. But that couldn’t be true, could it?

Yes. She was afraid that it was.

<There are other things I’ve done that I’m not proud of, but I won’t apologize for. Jasper Kai’el would have you believe that I lied to the Council and led two other Jedi into a lethal situation for purely selfish reasons. Maybe there’s some truth to that, but it had to be done—and I’m used to hiring mercs to accompany me on dangerous expeditions.> That was all most Jedi seemed to be, anyway. Just mercs with magic powers. <I also got into a duel with Brandyn Sal-Soren over a Dark Side artifact. He deemed it too dangerous and wanted to destroy it, so I beat him unconscious to keep it safe. I don’t care how corrupt a thing is, I will always fight to preserve it.>

She wrapped an arm around him as he drew closer, almost sitting on his knee as she touched her forehead to his. <You might say that they’re the ones in the wrong, that I can do all those things and still be a Jedi. But the fact remains that my values and my priorities don’t align with the majority. I love you dearly Kyell, but I was never really like you.>

Kyell Laysel​

 

[Kyell Laysel]

Location: Starlin's ship
Tag: Miri Nimdok

For just a moment, Kyell wasn't sure how to feel.

He had always known that she wasn't a traditional Jedi and that in many ways it would be a difficult path for her. With his own eyes, he had seen her set Hacks on fire with incendiary rounds, but he knew she did that to protect him at the time. Similarly, he knew exactly what she'd do if they were to cross paths with Sahar again as well. But what she told him about now went beyond that, not in terms of how extreme it all was, but because she hadn't told him about it before.

Was there something about him that made her uncomfortable to tell him the truth? Maybe she really was doing all of this for him, rather than for herself because she believed in it.

<It's... alright if you don't want to be a Jedi,> he began as her forehead rested against his. <I never want you to do anything that you don't believe in.>

He let out a soft sigh and looked into her eyes, revealing the hurt in his own.

<But why didn't you tell me before?> Was she really that afraid to hurt him? Or was there something else about it that made her keep it all from him until now? Kyell couldn't tell, and it made him feel far more nervous than he wanted to be. They had a family together and were going to get married.

But still, there were things she couldn't talk to him about? That hurt a lot more than the things she did.

 

[Miri Nimdok]

It was overwhelming, wasn’t it? She pulled back a little, giving him a chance to process everything. Lara nudged at her chest in a familiar gesture, and after checking to make sure no one else was around to see, Miri lifted her shirt for her. Maybe it was a little weird to be feeding her in the middle of a conversation like this, but if she didn’t Lara would cry. Nursing would finally put her to sleep, at least.

Even while she was separated from her babies on Selvaris, her body hadn’t stopped trying to provide for them, producing milk that had nowhere to go, no mouths to feed. Letting it out herself had felt weird and wasteful, but otherwise it would become swollen and painful.

Miri looked up at Kyell when he spoke. He began with an assurance again, repeating that he was fine with her not being a Jedi. But then he asked her why she hadn’t told him any of this before.

<I’m just not used to it,> she answered. It was the truth, even if it was a lame excuse. <Talking to people, telling them the things I do and feel… I was on my own for a long time before I met you. When you’re alone, you keep your thoughts to yourself.>

Her father had been dead for years. Her mother was too difficult to deal with. Other relatives were too far out of reach, and friends never stayed. Kyell was different. She was still getting used to that difference.

Even now, she was holding back darker thoughts—though as she felt tears pricking at her eyes, she tried to open up. It didn’t come out as clearly transmitted thoughts so much as a jumble of emotions she projected into his mind. She didn’t want him to feel trapped. Her love was a tangled knot. If he heard everything she’d said and decided he didn’t want to be with her anymore, she’d have to get over it. Even though it would be like having her heart ripped out, she’d keep the pain inside. It would be better if she seemed cold and heartless, better if she numbed herself to it all, better not to feel anything when the ties were severed.

<On Selvaris I killed the man who murdered my father,> she said softly. <My father’s ghost appeared and told me that I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. That I had people who loved and needed me at home. That I was lying to myself, and had forgotten who I was.> Her brow furrowed. <He’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore, except when I’m here with you and the children.>

Kyell Laysel​