Private Guilty Consciences

[Valoria Elryne]

Jedi Temple, Tython
Meditation Chamber
Garric Wrennar

Valoria's mind was clouded. Like a mist, it was concealing any logical thoughts she may have had. This was exactly why they were hesitant to allow her training to carry on. It was interfering with her ability to function at her best. Most days, she could cope with it. Most days, she could keep it down, out of her mind, out of her thoughts.

But she must've gotten up on the wrong side of the bed today, because she could think about nothing but that.

Currently, she passed through the familiar halls, moving at a pace that didn't scream urgency, but wasn't an idle stroll either. It didn't take long for her to reach where she was headed.

The simplest way to clear her mind would be through meditation. That's what she'd been taught for practically her whole life. In fact, meditation seemed to be the answer for a lot of things.

Once she reached the area, she approached the nearest room. In her haze, she completely missed the 'Do not Disturb' sign displayed on the door. Easing the door open, it was only once she was in the open doorway that she realised. Someone else was already using that room.

"Oh, gosh. Sorry. I didn't mean to-" She cut herself off, voice dropping to an awkward whisper. "I'll just leave. Sorry."

Valoria turned to leave, but was stopped in her tracks before she'd as much as stepped back out into the hall.

She did not have the mental capacity to deal with that much today, so she could only hope this was short.

 

[Garric Wrennar]

Garric had been in the meditation room for only a few minutes by now. He had come back from a small mission, but he liked going straight to a room like this to calm himself and think back over everything he did over the mission. He found it really helped him. He could look back over all the good he did to feel that accomplishment, but also everything he felt he could have done better on to strive for improvement. He'd started this practise when he had just become a Knight, and it was one he'd kept up ever since.

As he took a breath in, he could feel a presence outside the door. It felt distressed, confused, uncertain maybe... there was a lot wrapped up in it. He then heard the door to the room open as someone stepped inside. They apologised and went to leave, but Garric turned to stop them.

"Please, stay. I have no issue sharing the room if needs be. In fact, another being here may help. Feeling another's presence while meditating can be a good exercise. It helps you know you aren't alone and can bring a sense of peace."

He turned fully to the young Twi'lek, the girl looking no older than 19. He shared a soft smile as he gestured towards another chair for the girl to take.

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

Valoria hesitated in the doorway. Part of her was telling herself to just leave, find a space alone, where she didn't have to worry about the presence of someone else. A place where she could simply take a moment for herself.

But the other part knew that what the man had said was true.

Being alone was probably one of the worst things she could be right now. In many ways, being around someone, even if it was a man she'd never so much as laid eyes on before, could benefit her.

After a lingering a moment longer, she stepped back into the room, closing the door behind her. A small, uncertain smile graced her lips in return to his, as she got comfortable on one of the seats available.

"Thanks. Sorry again for barging in here." She muttered, her eyes meeting his for a second before flittering away. "My mind was elsewhere."

Normally, she wouldn't be one to do this sort of thing. Meditate with a stranger. But something about this man had told her he'd make good company. Which was something she'd been lacking lately.

Garric Wrennar​

 

[Garric Wrennar]

Garric smiled as she took a seat, adjusting himself back into a meditative position before closing his eyes, hearing her apologise again. He let out a small chuckle.

"It's alright. I found my mind was elsewhere rather frequently when I was a padawan, so don't worry about it. Just assume that when someone is my age, they've probably been through a fair amount of similar things. Not all, but a fair share."

He took a few breaths in and out, allowing for a silence to be built up between them. It was a comfortable silence, for Garric at least. He enjoyed being in other's company, no matter what the reason. It helped him feel more connected with the wider galaxy, to know that there are always people close by.

He let the silence continue, feeling the conflicting emotions in the padawan, but leaving her be, for now at least. For all he knew, this was something she could resolve through meditation. If not, he was more than ready to talk with her.

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

Through his words, Valoria could tell he spoke with experience. It wasn't surprising, really, considering he looked to be at least triple her age. At the very least.

Valoria was grateful for the silence. She sat with her legs crossed over one another, back straight. Her breathing appeared to be even, a steady inhale followed be a steady exhale. But if you payed enough attention, you could notice the moments where it hitches, if only for a short period, before it returns to its normal pace.

Still, for the most part, her exterior was calm. It didn't reflect the turmoil that was spinning within her.

The breathing helped a little. It slowed her thoughts down, made them a little less overwhelming. But by no means did it make any of them cause her less conflicting emotions.

Her thoughts were all over the place, a tangle in her mind, one that she couldn't find the point where she needed to start to unravel it all. This was reflected through her emotions, which were on a constant pendulum swing, constantly shifting and realigning.

Garric Wrennar​

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[Garric Wrennar]

The two had sat in silence for about half an hour, even if it felt longer or shorter to either of them. Garric, over that time, became more and more curious as to the struggle of the padawan. While the room was silent, it certainly didn't feel that way to the old man. He had noticed hitches in her breath, minor enough that you wouldn't notice them, unless you were focusing on them. What's more, he continued to feel the conflicting emotions within the young Twi'lek.

At this point, Garric felt he should step in and he abruptly broke the silence that had built up.

"Excuse me, Padawan, but may I ask what's on your mind."

He wasn't cold or annoyed in his tone. He sounded more like a grandparent who saw a grandchild looking gloomy and felt they could cheer them up. It was light and caring, but also serious in the way that you knew they meant what they said.

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

For the past half an hour, it had felt like she'd been mentally walking in circles. What little progress she did make didn't get her too far at all. Only far enough that she could think a little clearer than before.

She felt the shift in atmosphere a moment before Garric spoke.

Briefly, she considered ignoring him. Valoria didn't really want to talk about it. She hadn't spoken to anyone about it. Not even those who she considered friends. To open up to a stranger? That was a lot to ask.

But he seemed genuine about his offer. He seemed like a trustworthy person. The tone of his voice told her that much.

That was enough for her to let her guard down, if only a little.

"There's a lot on my mind right now." Valoria admitted, her voice soft. Uncertain.

"I can normally handle it fine, but, you know. It's just not a good day."

Garric Wrennar​

 

[Garric Wrennar]

Garric hummed at her response, understanding the feeling all too well. He didn't want to push the padawan too far, but thought he may need to do a little bit of poking to get her to spill. In his mind, if he pushed too far and she gets overwhelmed, batter to do that here to him than somewhere less private with friends. So, he kept the same calm tone as he replied.

"I know that feeling. I don't mean to sound rude or insensitive, young one, but I can't help but feel a lot of conflicting emotions with you. It feels like they all stem from a place all too familiar: guilt."

He thought he may have pushed too far already, but he still held out the idea that if he did, better for her to let it out in private than in public. After all, Garric felt like he was the last person to judge anyone over negative emotions.

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

Valoria's eyes flickered to him at that last word. He was right, of course. It would be foolish to deny it now that he'd mentioned it so directly. She knew that she was practically broadcasting her emotions right now, but she'd been hoping he simply wouldn't bring it up.

Her eyes dropped back down to her hands folded in her lap. She wanted to avoid this conversation. This wasn't the time or place for it.

Except maybe it was.

"You're not entirely mistaken." Valoria's words were quiet, barely audible. "Can't exactly lie to you, can I?"

Her breath hitched again, a half-hearted laugh. Pitying herself.

She couldn't lie, even if she wanted to. Her emotions would betray her right away.

"Everything's in my life feels like it's just a mess now."


Garric Wrennar

 

[Garric Wrennar]

At her words that she couldn't really lie to him, he chuckled, thinking she wasn't entirely wrong. He was good at sensing emotions, so he just knew when someone felt guilty, or sad, or angry, or anything. But, he didn't want to know when someone was lying, at least not another Jedi. He wanted to know they were honest, he wanted to feel them be honest, not feel them lie.

He didn't reply, he didn't feel he needed to. He felt all he had to do was let her vent, be a silent ear for her to vent to. For him personally, ranting had often helped calm him down when he was young, simply because he got all the thoughts out. They weren't held in anymore, which made him feel lighter. He thought maybe the young padawan would to.

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

His silence was encouragement, encouragement for her to continue speaking. A silent promise that whatever she said wouldn't leave the four walls of this room. Valoria took a deep breath, shifting her position slightly before allowing herself to continue.

"Before that incident, everything was fine. Completely fine. I could see the path that lay ahead of me, see exactly where my future was taking me."

She didn't specify what 'that incident' was. She wasn't sure if she'd even survive talking about that.

"But now everything seems uncertain. Undefined. I don't know for certain if I'll continue to be within the New Jedi Order. They, the council, says that my emotions right now are too raw, too volatile."

Valoria gave another self-pitying laugh, which contained no humour what-so-ever.

"I'm sure you probably agree with them on that front. I can't say I don't see their logic. Because I get it. I understand where they're coming from. I just don't like it."

It was far too limiting, in her opinion. Over the past few months, she'd fallen leagues behind others who used to be at around the same level as her. All because she couldn't get a grip on her emotions.

Garric Wrennar
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[Garric Wrennar]

Garric listened to her words, feeling sorry that she was going through this. He felt no padawan should have deal with something that causes such a large feeling of negative emotions, at least not at such a young age. In his mind, even being age 18 or 19 like the Twi'lek in front of him was too young to have to go though such things.

"Regarding your future in the order, I wouldn't worry about that. You think the council kicks out every padawan who lets their emotions run a bit wild? In my day... yeah, I guess that might have been the case a few times. But, now, the council aren't going to kick you out, if you're worried about that. You're a padawan, you shouldn't be expected to be a master over your emotions."

He took a breath, thinking over his next words before speaking.

"As for the council's opinion over your emotional state, yes, I find myself agreeing with them. You are currently full of raw emotion. But, as I said, that's okay. You can't rush these things, they take time. You need to take time to focus on yourself, recover, think things through, see what it is that's causing all those negative emotions and... Well, in my personal experience, I've always found you need to accept that what has happened, has happened. You can't undo what has been done. You can only look back at it, keep it in your mind and improve from that. Forgetting does nothing but cause you to repeat mistakes, you have to remember as many of your mistakes as possible, and then, you remember all your triumphs. Remembering them both helped me, maybe they can do the same for you."

He looked back uncertain before asking a question taht popped into his head.

"You don't have to tell me the full story, but if possible, can you tell me: did someone in this incident get hurt?"

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Valoria Elryne

 

[Valoria Elryne]

Valoria knew she could refuse to answer his question. There was nothing stopping her from leaving the room at any given moment. But, for whatever reason, she didn't. She didn't leave the room, or the man who'd so generously offered his help to her. But she also didn't answer his question straight away.

Normally, she tried to not think about it. That's what others had told her. That's what she'd been taught. To lock up all her negative, unwanted feelings, or anything else that could influence her judgement, far far away. Keep them at arms length and they wouldn't be able to reach her.

Except it rarely worked. Often things would just build up, to a point where she can't handle the pressure anymore.

His approach seemed different. Valoria had no doubt, considering his age and the way his words carried a weight, that he spoke from some sort of experience. He had years of knowledge over her. And, for a reason she couldn't explain, she trusted him. That's the main reason that she didn't stand and walk out on him.

She also understood he wouldn't be able to help her if he didn't understand her situation properly.

Quiet settled over the pair for a moment as she formed the words and courage to give him an answer.

"Yeah." The vulnerability was audible in her voice. "Yeah, someone got hurt."

There was a small hesitation before she gave him a little more.

"I should've done something. But I didn't."

Garric Wrennar
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