Private Guess Who's Back

[Colette]

Their booked training room still had a bit of a new coat of paint smell to it. It wasn't entirely unwelcome but it certainly made for a peculiar change when it came to the halls of a Jedi Temple. As far as Colette had been concerned it was almost as if these halls were meant to smell like a triple dozen layers of caked up sweat stench and mildew. Compared to that, this place was like if they had only just stepped out of whatever pool had oiled these floors.

The teacher, Colette — who was still very uncertain about what it meant to even be a teacher — put her water bottle down on a nearby bench

"Hey, sorry that I was gone for the last few weeks. The incident on Kiara took a bit more time to solve than I expected." She said and took a seat on the floor, motioning for Reina to do the same in front of her. "It was a whole mess about Jedi presences and a love triangle, it's…" Colette groaned and shook her head. "Let's just forget about it."

"How have you been? Did you keep up with the breathing exercises I told you about?"

Reina Daival

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

"I...haven't been good."

Reina was honest. Colette was her master, so she deserved an honest answer instead of Reina trying to hide it all. She had been working on the breathing exercises, but that wasn't as effective as she might have liked.

"I haven't...lashed out as much as I used to. I've removed myself from situations that I could snap in...Tried to find more peaceful resolutions to stuff."

Even if those peaceful resolutiosn may have blown up in her face. Of course, she had actual things explode in her face, with the remains of her last prosthesis leg having left various small scars across Reina's face. She had been struggling to adapt to the new prosthesis as well.

"Found out what love is. It's...not fun."

Well, she knew how it felt to love someone. She didn't know how it felt to be loved but that wasn't important however. Then came to the final little update she felt like Colette deserved to know, whilst Reina worked on stretching.

"...I also fought against a Sith. I...had no chance against her. She tried to rip off my prosthesis...so I cut it off. And...I blew up my eadrums when she tried to monologue. My ears are better now...but I've felt angry about it. I want revenge. I know it's wrong but..."​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

That was good! Not lashing out was good. Colette nodded her head in approval and pretended to be as wise that she felt that she needed to be for Reina. This whole teaching thing was still pretty daunting when she put too much thought into it, and as such she didn't. Except when she did.

And then the 'love' thing. Now that Colette just wasn't the right person for at all. She gave another understanding nod and frown, but it slowly faded as her student told her about a fight.

"It's not wrong to want revenge." She said and raised her hand to pick up the conversation. "It's wrong to actively seek it."

"It sounds like you are doing good, but I know you can do better." Colette said and quickly nodded. "Love is a complicated feeling, so I don't really fault you for not finding it very fun — I…"

The master shifted in position, clearly uncomfortable for a moment before she continued.

"I used to love someone too, but we didn't want the same thing. Or we did, but not enough." She sighed. "Like I said, it's complicated, and I try not to put my own needs and emotions before my duties as a Jedi."

"I'm not expecting you to do that too. Attachments are just like love, very complicated. Makes you blind to reality sometimes and hurts the most when exploited by someone else."

Colette sighed.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite these incidents, you've done well. It's all part of learning about yourself. How to keep an eye out for the things that might set you off."

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

"I'm not a good Jedi anyway...I can't help people when they need it...I can't...forgive people when I'm needed to help..."

Reina mumbled to herself for a moment. She understood what Colette meant about attachments being complicated. That they can make you blind to reality. That's something Reina had realised about how she felt with Everest. Everest had Reina blind to some of the pain and darkness in the world. Let her focus on the light. It hadn't been exploited...but...Reina knew it was a weakness.

"I...The person I love already has someone. It's fine...I only told her because...I nearly died. I realised I had things I had to tell her...which reminds me..."

The redhead turned to face Colette for a moment, her gaze settling on her master for a moment before Reina suddenly gave Colette a sharp bow. It wasn't something that Reina normally did. The whole bowing stuff made no sense to her but she wanted to show Colette how much Reina respected her.

"...Thank you. For being willing to teach me. I want you to know that no matter happens, I appreciate you believing in me Master Noble."

It had been one of the thoughts that had been on her mind when she had been getting Force Choked. Reina had been ready to fall, but she knew she'd have regrets. Now...those regrets weren't as bad. After a few moments, Reina lifted her head back up, breaking out into a small smile.

"...Oh. I've also been learning how to fight with a Sword."​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Master Noble. The words rung through Colette's head and for the first time in probably ever since she had taken the name did the weight of it all come barreling down on her. She froze for a moment, visibly shaken before she snapped back to it and offered a bow back to Reina.

"That's very good, Reina." Colette said and instinctively began to rub her hand against her own neck. "But please, just call me Colette. Knight Noble, I guess if you—" She got uncomfortable again and shook her head. "Actually, just call me Colette."

She let in a deep breath and then exhaled.

"So, from the top…"

"Stop talking chit, Reina." Colette said and crossed her arms. "Look around you and point at anybody around here who became a 'good Jedi' without making a few mistakes, or who started at the top." Colette crossed her arms and shook her head. "I'd be surprised if you'd find anyone at all."

"Second, love is love. I'm very happy that you didn't die, and I'm happy that you let this person know that you care."

"As for the sword stuff, well…" She exhaled and eased up a little, put on a smile and nodded in approval. "That's really good too."

Colette put her hand on her knee and slowly rose to stand up again.

"Like I said," She, well, said, and extended a hand to help Reina up. "You are doing great. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you but I promise to make up for it as we go, okay?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

"If you're sure. I just thought...you were deserving of being called Master in that moment. You've believed in me when I feel like very few do. So...I appreciate it. Quite a bit."

If anything, Colette was more of a Captain for Reina. Someone she could get behind. Someone she could follow and learn from. Though she couldn't help but tilt her head at the idea of trying to find someone who was a good Jedi without making a few mistakes. Of course it was impossible for her to pick someone out, but that wasn't what was important to Reina.

"It's...just hard Colette. I feel like I'm taking one step forward and three steps back...I'm only alive still because I'm lucky. Because someone else has been there to save me. Or because I've been spared...It's why I'm learning this sword stuff."

She sighed, before reaching out to take Colette's hand up to help herself to her feet, brushing herself down carefully. She didn't need any extra dirt on herself. She had enough weight on her shoulders, even if most of it was metaphorical.

"You...don't need to be sorry. I understand life can be busy for a Jedi. I'm...used to trying to learn things myself anyway. I appreciate the promise though. I still have a lot I need to learn."​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Colette was patient, at least these days. A few years ago? Disaster. Brash, very forward, not very caring. Got her a boyfriend but didn't make it last. To listen to Reina tell more and more about her world view? Familiar, in a way.

"Appreciation is good, but self-confidence is better." Colette said and pulled a pair of wooden swords into her hands. She extended an offer towards Reina for the student to grab one of them. "You talk about yourself like you don't want to be alive, or as if you don't find value in what you do — who you are."

"Instead of asking yourself why you're alive, why don't you ask yourself why you shouldn't be?" The master asked and got into a defensive stance. "Think on it while you show me what you have learned with the sword."

"I have taken beatings before, so don't worry about going too hard or too soft. We're not focusing on technique today, only mindset. Gather your thoughts, sort them out, and then speak your mind the second you think of something or feel any sort of way."

"Go."

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

Reina took the wooden sword for a moment and did a small flourish to try and get a feel for it, before taking it in both hands. A firm base was what she needed to show, not some fancy tricks with one hand or little tricks. Yet...she froze for a moment as Colette asked Reina to ask why she shouldn't be alive, and the redhead glanced up over towards Colette for a moment, the light in Reina's eyes faded for a moment.

"...Because I don't."

She didn't elaborate on it. Not right now as she took her attacking stance and prepared to send a few slashes in Colette's direction. She had to sort through her thoughts, huh? That...was harder than she expected, but she'd just say what came first to her mind she supposed, as she sent attack after attack.

"I'm a killer. I can't forgive people. My family left me out at sea. I don't even know who I am."

One point, after another point, after another. Each one met with another strike from the wooden sword as Reina's grip tightened more and more along the handle.​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

In truth Colette had no real idea what she was doing in this moment, but her apprentice didn't have to know that. Although as she thought on what had come of her questioning she realized that this was an excellent way to get an idea of what they needed to tackle together.

Killing, vindictiveness, family trauma, lack of insight to the self. Colette was good with handling the last two, those she had tackled herself for a while now. The first two, not so much but it was a welcome challenge.

Their blunt blades clashed and tapped against each other with a series of heavy clonks.

"Good!" Colette exclaimed eagerly as Reina went. "Keep it up."

"What makes you a killer? Why is it hard to forgive people?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

She hesitated for a moment at one of Colette's question, holding the wooden sword above her head as she prepared to strike...before tilting said head to the side as she frowned at Colette.

"Because...I've killed people? I've had someone's blood run down my hand...as my knife finally found a gap in their armour."

That was at least...one good thing for Reina. She still saw the Mandalorians as people. Even if she was angry at them. Even if she couldn't forgive them. Reina hadn't fallen into the trap of seeing the people she hated the most as some kind of beast or monster that needed to be slain. Which...once again made her hesitate as she came to that realisation...

"I...can't forgive people because they'll stab me in the back. They always do. Be it through trying to kill me...or trying to break me...I can't trust someone...once they've broken that trust."​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Well, as far as descriptions of murder went that was a good one. Question remained what the context was. It wasn't in Colette's place to absolve Reina of her supposed sins, only to help Reina find a way to make peace with it and stop it from happening again. She listened as her apprentice spoke, and once she reached her first stop, Colette answered back in between parrying the knocks against her wooden blade.

"Your hands are stained with blood," She grunted between attacks. "But you can still stop yourself from dipping them in more. You are the one in control, the one in charge of your actions."

True enough. Well-wishing and good intentions didn't bring the dead back. Reina was already all too aware of that, or so Colette figured. She didn't need pity or anything the like. What she needed was direction and something to work towards.

"And you don't have to forgive people, you just can't turn your back on them if they need you."

"Do you understand what I mean?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Location: Tython
Tags: Colette
Lightsaber - Pequod

"No. I don't. Why should I help them if they need me? When they have others there for them? Why should I have to play nice with those under Mandalorian protection?!"

Her frustrations were growing. Her anger. Evident as her strikes were getting more and more forceful. It made no sense to her.

"Why do I have to work alongside them after the nightmares they've given me?! Just because others can forgive them doesn't mean I can!"

In a way, it was like how Reina couldn't forgive herself for what she had done. The suffering and pain she had committed, even if it wasn't anywhere on the same level as the Mandalorians. By now, any technique or stance to her strikes were gone as Reina was just letting her frustrations out, her teeth clenched as hard as they could.

"If I have to forgive those who still plague my nightmares to be a Jedi, then I'll never be one. I'll never be a true Jedi. And I won't change that. I won't change myself for them."​

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Why should Reina play nice with those under Alliance protection? Naboo protection? Sith protection? Colette was about to open her mouth and ask these very same questions but quickly found that Reina's fears flowed forth to reveal even more of how her mind's eye saw the world around it.

Fear, and hate.

"Reina, stop." Colette tried against the battering. "Reina."

"Reina, STOP!" The master exclaimed and extended her hand to lock the redheaded apprentice in place for a moment to snap her out of it before she let her go again. "Deep breaths. Stop, and focus."

"Get your thoughts together."

 

[Reina Daival]

A rush of different emotions came through Reina as Colette grabbed onto Reina, locking her in place. Anger. Hate. Frustration. Sadness...and then fear. She didn't even realise that there were tears starting to stream down her face, nor the tension in her shoulders as she took a step back, trying to calm herself down.

"...I...really...don't cope...well...with people touching...me..."

She admitted. More to herself than anyone else. It was a realisation that she had came to. That she had finally said out loud. Staring down at her hand as she wasn't sure how to react to her small outburst. The anger that had surged through her.

"...This is why I try not to think about them. The Mandalorians. It's why...I excused myself from the relief work with them...I snap. Too easily. I couldn't...risk lashing out at the civilians or the Tin Cans."

Reina let out a defeated sigh, unable to bring herself to look at Colette. There was a distinct feeling of shame starting to well up in her chest.

"...Even if I was told that a real Jedi would have stayed...I couldn't risk it. I'd rather be a fake Jedi, than cause some kind of incident."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

A deep and calm breath swept through Colette. In through the nose, out through the nose with a deep sigh. Reina was calming down and would find herself gently eased onto the floor until both she and Colette sat on their knees facing one another at a distance that was acceptable to them both.

"And that would be the right thing to do, Reina." Colette said, her voice as free of judgment as she could make it without sounding as if she was freeing Reina of anything. "You did the right thing. You had bad experiences in the past that made you uncomfortable with it. That's okay."

It was even okay that Reina felt too ashamed to make eye contact.

"I also don't like it when people touch me. Where I'm from that was a sign of two people trusting each other on a very intimate level." She continued. "Out here it's… As common as speaking."

"But, anyway, look…" Colette let in another deep breath and motioned with her hands to urge Reina to do the same. "You already know this, but there is a lot of anger in you, anger that only you can heal."

"I… Don't know how yet, but we will find a way to make that happen." Colette grumbled. "What happened? Do you know where the anger is coming from?"

 

[Reina Daival]

"Did I do the right thing? I left them. Because I can't forgive. I can't forget. I know...I know those Mandalorians...aren't the same ones...as I fought on Keshi...but...I just can't help but look at them and see it all over again."

She was focusing on her breathing. Wrapping her arms around her legs as she pulled them close to her chest, still staring down at the floor. Reina knew how much anger that was inside of her. Anger that she had to heal but she didn't know how to. The anger helped her in some ways. But it also hindered her. She didn't want it. But she felt like she had no choice.

"I...I don't know...I feel like...it's in my blood? I don't...know what blood flows through to me...And...I...I don't know...I'm angry. At myself. For existing. For being here...When my own family didn't want me...When all I do is get angry. I hurt people. I don't help. I only...hurt. I hurt. I kill. I don't protect."

It wasn't entirely true. She had saved people in the past. There had been the old man she had saved when she was on Keshi. Before she joined the Jedi, but it wasn't the same. Not in her mind.

"...I've had other Padawans say they admire me. For what I've been through. For how I keep moving forward...but I'm nothing to be admired. I'm angry. I'm a mess...I'm broken. You don't admire a broken thing. You throw it in the trash. Where it belongs."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

Colette listened to her apprentice, and despite wanting to cut into her disagreements with what she was saying, Colette decided to let her speak her mind. Reina very clearly needed it, and eventually she came to the conclusion that Colette had as well.

"You are wrong." The 'master' simply said. "Trash isn't thrown away, it's reused — uh, repurposed, like how a metal object can be reforged into something else."

"I know what it feels like to not feel like you belong, and I know the feeling of seeing others and asking why you're not worthy of the same love as them. It sucks, it's painful." Colette nodded. "But the truth is also that you can't find belonging if you don't want to find belonging."

"Belonging isn't an all or nothing thing. I want to be a Jedi because I want to help others and find value in the code. That's it, that's all I do to belong. I don't have to play nice, I don't have to pretend to like everyone here, but if you keep looking at everything you do, looking for a reason not to belong with the Jedi, then you never will."

"However…" Colette stressed and raised her hand to stop Reina for just a moment longer. "From what I have heard, you do want to belong, and you do believe in the cause. Just…"

"Let me help you find a way to make that belonging happen, okay? If you can't trust yourself, maybe you can trust in me?"

 

[Reina Daival]

"Useful trash is reused. Repurposed into something else. Because it has uses still. I don't have any other uses. I'm broken. Beyond repair. Beyond reuse. No-one wants to work with trash. No-one wants to really put effort into making it something new."

She kept her arms folded along her front, as she watched Colette for a moment. There was...a spark of anger in Reina's eyes at the implication that she didn't want to find belonging. She did. That's why she was even with the Jedi, even when there were plenty of Jedi that made her feel worthless. Wrong. She stayed here all the same.

Reina had things she wanted to say. Frustrations she wanted to get off her chest and snap about. But that was exactly it. Frustrations. And as long as she just took her time and listened, she'd realise things that people weren't saying in the first place. Like Colette did thing that Reina wanted to belong. She just...had waited to get there for a moment. She took in a deep breath, trying to steady herself for a moment.

"I get told I'm not a Jedi. That I don't belong here. Not by myself. But by other Jedi. Because I won't help. Because I can't help. It's not me...but yes. I can try to trust you."

Colette

 

[Colette]

Reina Daival

No-one wants to really put effort into making it something new.

Then what the fark was it that Colette was doing right now? What in the HELL was it that she had signed up for that this crybaby of a little redhead refused to see? As a person she wanted to scream it in Reina's face but as a teacher she merely bit her tongue and nodded under the strain of her own self-control.

"Then stop listening." She said and continued to nod. "The others are wrong, shut them out."

"And you're wrong as well, about 'trash.' Nothing is ever unable to be reused. Turn the thing around in your hands, get an understanding for it and find a new purpose. There are entire cultures that live like this. Can you add the thing to something else and make something new? Can it be melted down and reshaped? Or is the thing even broken to begin with?"

A challenging glance shot towards Reina.

"Are you really broken, or is it you or someone else telling yourself that?"

 

[Reina Daival]

Stop listening. As if it was that easy. Believing others were wrong was what Reina had used to do. When she had nearly slapped Everest. Was that what she was meant to go back to? Not caring about others and only caring about herself? She knew she was getting more frustrated. More aggrevated and it was making it harder for Reina to think as she clenched her fists, trying to keep breathing focused. To keep herself from snapping. It was easier said than done at the end of the day

"You don't need to be told you're broken and unwanted when you're passed off from person to person. My family didn't want me. The people who raised me didn't want me. And I'm sure within time, you won't want me. It's not a matter of if, but when."

She didn't snap it. She didn't yell it. Reina said it simply. As if it had been something she had come to accept. That everyone would get tired of her eventually. That they would throw her away to the side. She knew people would get frustrated of her. She was too much for people. It was the only thing that made sense to her. For so many to just give her up, it had to be something wrong with her. Some kind of defect. Something that had to be all her fault.

Colette