Feedback Gimme the Criticisms! (Just don't hit my beautiful face!)

[Jax Thio]

So I've been here for a month and I definitely would like some critque on how I've written my characters and set up stories. The characters I play are:

Zanvic "Ironhide" Dak
Therax Milbon
Elkin "Big Cheese" Magor
Nichos Velt

And of course everyone's favorite Jedi: Jax.

So for new year, I really want to start off strong and create more epic and engaging storylines for my characters. To do that though, I must have honest and thorough criticism from anyone who has read my threads or has RP'd with me so I can get better and hopefully be a part of Chaos. So fire away!

 

[Ripley Kühn]

I've only written with Jax, but after observing him in our thread and the Korriban invasion, I am a fan. He is a very real character, and I think his personality really shines through, especially his care for others. He is very human, in the sense that you can feel what he does through your writing. He has very deep emotions, and I think you have done well in their portrayal.

My only critique from what I have seen is maybe trying to explore the language and have fun with it, as well as doing the same with personalization- but this is also a recommendation from what I personally like to read, so take it with a grain of salt! Your posts are very straight forward, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as you also get a lot of clarity from them- I just think breaking from the mold and adding a bit of oomph could take you to the next level.

Just an example and specifics here:

Jax approached the young woman greeted him, he had to admit she looked attractive then again she is Zeltron a species who are noted for their alluring presence. She had long blue hair and blue eyes, Jax could sense that she can trust her but he wasn't entirely sure.

While it's very obvious how he feels and what he thinks of her, I feel there could be a bit of spice added. For example, why does Jax feel that he could trust her? Was it a sense of sincerity in her behavior, or just that she was a pretty girl? Why does he doubt, when she is a member of the order? Just because of the situation that is at hand, or is there a general distrust of strangers he has? I think that's where the personalization may be lacking a bit- but there are many ways to proceed with such a thing when you have the answers to those questions, and there's really no wrong way of doing it.

I also think there are options for exploring the language itself, such as "he had to admit she looked attractive"- again, very straight forward, and I feel that something like this could be played on- in the past when Ripley has been in similar situations, I usually will touch on the physical feelings it evokes, such as butterflies and the like, blushing, maybe nerves- but again, many ways of doing this, and none of them wrong.

All in all, I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I love reading your content and writing alongside you! Keep it up, can't wait to see what's in store for Jax.

 

[Pom Stych Tivé]

Jax Thio = Sith

Truly this does sadden me. I wrote a Jedi once as canon as I could. It is pretty challenging, and it is also a rare gem who gets it right. Gray is far too easy. I think you can actually evolve Jax into that exceptional persona. Love your creativity.

I am very blunt in my writing, alot like you. Its difficult to know when I drop the ball in entertainment and could have attempted to portray an event or discovery with greater depth and really dig into it before hitting post. I would have enjoyed reading more detail to see Jax slip into the oneness you waited quite a while to dive into. Start writing it as soon as you are inspired. Dig into his psychological affects of the event and the fictional science behind what Jax was plunged into explaining how it actually evolved. When I remember my readers have no idea what is inside my head unless I am able to be thorough, adding detail and clarity seems to help the other writer accept being blasted with a wild and powerful Force skill like that. We don't mind how long the text is either! Clarity can draw out better responses to your posts as well, by inspiring a particular reaction. Sometimes it feels like going into too much all at once, and certainly some details are better cut to stew for later posts. A great story is written one page at a time. I know I could have done alot more to help establish a creep factor ooze out of Pom's mere existence. I promise, in the future, I will try and remember to inspire you more.

I do love reading the emotional struggle with Jax. Your post-invasion thread with your Palawan earned mention in my profile. What makes him tick and his strong presence endears him to others. I can watch a movie and not even remember the characters names. They were bland with no personality, complete opposite of Star Wars. I liked how you introduced him at the start. I have felt tension when interacting with new writers and produced some very awkward threads that killed its direction. This was not one of them. Diving right in to sharing who your character is and what makes him tick, helps endear him to the reader and leads them to want to know more. I would love to write with you again! You can help me draw out that wickedness I need to earn Pom a bounty.

Glad to have written with you! Very happy to have Jax as Pom's mortal enemy!