Private Ghosts of the Past (Kyra Perl)

[Caedyn Arenais]

It had been just over several weeks now since the Invasion of Yurb, and Caedyn Arenais had come and gone from the medical ward to where his Padawan had been holed up in her recovery following a couple extensive procedures in the attempt to save her arm which had suffered the most harm during the battle against the Bryn'adul. In the time between then and now, the young Jedi Knight had kept his duties immediately close to home in order to be there on call should the medical team need him for anything.

Over the course of his visits, it had been plain to see that Kyra had hated being cooped up in the ward, forced to try to rest as best she could in order to heal, yet all the while battling with her emotions and the memory of events that had overtaken the Capital, Edsert City and the Lervon people. Caedyn himself felt the strain on his conscience, the weight of their actions within the battle. Every action taken, every second wasted was a life potentially lost, and yet they had to deal with the fact that while they were Jedi, they were still Sentient and could not save everyone. No matter how desperately they tried...

Today however was to be a much more positive one, as Caedyn had been informed that his Padawan had been discharged and cleared for active duty once more; Although the term 'Active Duty' had been said with far more care than the general sense of going out into the Galaxy first thing to tackle the larger issues within known space, she had been given the okay to slowly come back into the life of training and typical activity around the Jedi Academy.

Having received the notice and subsequently rescheduling his afternoon's priorities for a later date, Caedyn had then called ahead to inform his Padawan that he would be coming to visit her, this time in the much more comfortable quarters of her own Student Dorm, where perhaps they could move elsewhere and make a day of whatever she wished, alongside a much needed discussion that Caedyn would have held with her much sooner were things not to have ended quite so dire.

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Every task was harder now. Particularly because she was alone. One might think her release from the medical ward meant she was final able to start processing and moving through what they had all endured, but she had managed that weeks ago.

Sitting doped up between surgeries sure took the edge off stuff and gave you time to think. Kyra had come to terms with Yurb, but it was the new changes in her life that she now struggled with. She had not been in her dorm for near a month, and it was as messy as the day Caedyn came knocking with Yurb's call.

Did you know its impossible to fold your socks into a ball with one hand? Kyra had never fancied herself ambidextrous, but would it have killed her to summon the shield with her non dominate hand that day?

Her hair sat frazzled around her, sticking to her forehead and knotted in the back. She'd deal with it later, okay? Now where had she left her damn tooth brush? The girl was caught fretting over the mundane when her master came knocking. She didn't even ask who it was, his presence more than familiar to her through the force

As it turned out, meditation did have some uses after all. Like transcending pain. Caedyn would have found his padawan more than willing to engage him in that stupid mind meld exercise when things with her body were at the most critical. She didn't see the progress she had made from those sessions, but it was clear that the girl could demonstrate mental finesse when there was some determination to set her to the task.

She had Caedyn to thank for surviving those weeks.

Seeing him on the other side of the opening door was a welcome sight. Her frustration crumbled to a wash of emotions as she looked up. For once, he wasn't framed by hospital walls. She didn't say anything, dropping her socks and propelling forward into his arms. She wasn't so fragile anymore, the bindings keeping her arm held tight to her torso a misgiving sight.

Her face went into his shoulder, her good hand embedding into his cloak as she hugged him. He was right. They had made it through.

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn smiled at the sight of his Padawan, pleased to see her up and on her feet; yet when she dropped what she was doing to rush forward and hug him, the young Jedi Knight blinked in surprise, a slight laugh escaping him as he apprehensively raised his arms to return the embrace.

He hadn't expected such a strong reaction, and it spoke volumes as to how much had changed since they had first started to train and live alongside one another within the order of the Silver jedi; "Yeah, I'm glad to see you too Kiddo" he chuckled, speaking softly. It was such a relief to see her outside of medical care, back in their home environment again.

Letting his arms fall slowly, he let her go to give her space. It may have seemed awkward, or perhaps that was just how he felt but the pair of them hadn't exactly been the hugging type.

Caedyn had always been taught that a Jedi needed to learn some sense of professional distance where emotional attachments and the people they cared greatly for were concerned; you could so easily lose a comrade on the battlefield and that feeling of loss and grief lead you to make mistakes or allow others to be hurt...

His Padawan however, Kyra Perl was the closest person that Caedyn had to a child of his own. She wasn't of course, but she came damn close. Family, and someone he felt both loyal and responsible for.

"You managing to settle back in around here?" he gestured to her room, "I imagine it's a lot more comfortable in here than those stiff medical beds huh" he grinned a little.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra let space fall between them, for the first time growing cognitive of the physical distance he kept from her. She had never really noticed it before-- physical contact was nothing to think twice about to her people and their partnership had always been too hot or cold for her to feel level with him. But Yurb had changed a lot of things for her. His presence at her bed side coaching her through it had stripped down walls.

Hers, but not his.

She gave a small blink as his awkwardness rippled through the air to her, the moment subtle yet profound as it reminded her that this place was nothing like home. There was protocol on this. He had taught her that.

Her fingers tingled, a yearn to hold someone and connect going unmet. It was a small moment, passing in the blink of an eye. But Kyra took a step back, swallowing hard as she remembered her place.

"Yeah, it's more comfy... messy too... " She stepped deeper into the room, frowning at a pile of clothes she had struggled to tackle on her own.

"Are you here for lessons? Cause I've been cleared now-- we can do stuff," she asserted, her tone lifting in excitement.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn noted his Padawan's subtle reaction, though he didn't comment or draw attention to it. Instead he followed her gaze as Kyra Perl turned to look back to her room, and smiled to himself. It was a typical teenage bedroom, one not so unlike his own when he was of the same age.

Cleanliness and self respect were things that had seemingly come with age, and arguably the knowledge that he needed to keep up appearances for the sake of his peers perceptions of him. He wasn't about to give Kyra a hard time for something that he had been just as guilty of back then, although his Mother had always been expressive of the disappointing sight.

"It does look far more comfortable" he agreed with a quiet chuckle, "and far less....White" he added, picturing the medical wards in all their pale tones. The picture of cleanliness, purity and unfortunately bland to stare at day in and day out while stuck within those walls. "Do you mind if I sit...Somewhere?" he asked, although his tone was apprehensive as he wasn't entirely certain where that would be.

"And yes, in a manner of being" he replied to the question towards their further training; "A long time ago now I mentioned the nature of mission debriefings and the fact that I would report to the Assembly, or my superiors following every mission. I wished to go through the process with you, regarding what we went through on Yurb now that we've both had some time to process it all".

"Would you be up for that?".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Caedyn was pointed to a pile of laundry. Underneath it, a fuzzy beanbag would be found.

Kyra sat on the edge of her bed, her movements slow and wary as the apprehension slipped from his tone. She was about to be kicked out now, wasn't she. Her dread barely slipped to her features as he went on to further explain. She gave another sharp blink, her tension dispersing from her in a puff of air she didn't know she had been holding in.

"Oh. What? Sure." It was so much better than the alternative, and truth be told she didn't see what his stress would be over it. She feared the second shoe, ready for it to drop at any moment.

"Do we talk about what we did or..." She pulled a pair of sunglasses out from under her leg.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn grinned widely to himself, a simple shake of his head as he lifted the pile of laundry off of the beanbag and sat it down on the floor nearby before lightly falling into the seat, the sound of soft white little 'beans' shifting around the mold of his body as he leaned left and right, trying to make himself comfortable before finally breathing a concluding sigh of relief.

"It's been a long couple weeks since we returned, what with you in the medical ward and all, I've had no excuse to avoid my other duties..." he remarked in obvious attempted humor, smirking back to his Padawan who seemed a little out of sorts.

"Yes, we'll go over the whole experience step by step, but let me first just tell you how proud of you I am" Caedyn answered her question, adding a personal note and a genuine one thereafter; "You've come a long way since we first started training together; Perhaps I don't tell you that enough" he continued, though paused for thought and then looked to elaborate, "When we first started, you lacked discipline and focus. I would have been wary to commend you too much for the sake of breeding over-confidence but you've persevered and worked very hard to get to where you are now, despite a lot of self-doubt and struggling emotions...".

"The simple fact is that having been through what we have, and seen your progress over our time together, I want you to know that you're progressing well and that I would change nothing in what we've experienced together. You're a good Padawan, and...-Well, yes. I'm proud of you".

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra gave a soft blink, not expecting praise today of all days. Hard words? Maybe. A game plan? Definitely. But I'm proud of you? She didn't think she had ever heard that from him before.

Her fingers twisted in the sheets, the only sign of stress as she squirmed in place. Her? A good padawan? She didn't think so.

"I nearly lost my arm. You had to carry me out. I did nothing, I helped no one. All of that training and I-" Accomplished nothing. "You have it wrong. How am I gonna train now? How am I gonna do anything? Will they keep me like this?"

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"Will they keep you like this?" Caedyn echoed Kyra's question, though with his own emphasis behind the curiosity and intrigue in whatever had led to her asking that very thing. "What...-You're asking if you'll be dismissed from the Order?" Caedyn frowned as he tried to guess what she was implying by her choice of words; "Kyra, you're not at risk of being removed of your service under the Silver Jedi. Perhaps way back when we first met, out of concerns that the Assembly previously held for your future at the time, but you're far beyond those concerns now" he spoke quickly, confidently, and without having to really consider his answer as it came straight from what he knew to be true.

"When I took you on as my Padawan, the responsibility and authority fell into my hands and the Assembly trusted in my judgement. That's why they recalled me from the Outer Rim" he explained to her with a gentle gaze and a faint smile, "You've achieved so much and you've more than proven your dedication to your training. You've voiced many concerns and I know some things have been a struggle but you've never given up and I can see how far you've come even if you cannot".

"What happened on Yurb was nothing short of catastrophic, and unfortunately that's the brutal reality of war. The fact that you came back alive is something worthy of acknowledgement...-So many others did not make it back. There were some mistakes, there were some things you and I could have both done better and that's why it's important to reflect on these things in our debriefings together, yet at the end of the day we are still here and that is no small fact".

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra felt small, the bump in her throat growing larger, threatening to close out her throat. Okay, maybe she hadn't gotten over stuff. He was right-- they were still here, and that should be enough for her. She should be grateful and happy, instead she felt so heavy. Tears bubbled up. She swallowed hard, forcing them back.

"What am I suppose to do now? I can't pick up stuff-- I can't-- oh force, my saber--" For the first time in the span of weeks, the girl reached for her waist. The hilt was empty. It had been blast.

A look of horror crept over her face, her lips parted and eyes wide as her attention jerked to Caedyn.

"Yurb."

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"Give it time, Kyra...-Injuries can be healed. Compared to what could have happened to us, I think you got off lightly" Caedyn replied softly, a hand lifting in a gesture for pause and care; "Medical technology today. You'll be back, fit and ready for full active service before you know it. Just gotta ride out the process for the time being" he encouraged her, offering a small smile in the hope of raising her spirits some.

"We can replace your Lightsaber as well" he gestured to the motion of her hand, having reached for the hilt that wasn't there. Caedyn hadn't realized that she had lost the weapon until now, although constructing one's own lightsaber was also a significant part of a students training and while he had planned on holding off until much later, perhaps there would be a need to undertake that particular quest much sooner than expected.

"But yes, let's discuss the experience of battle over Yurb first before we get ahead of ourselves" he continued, putting pause on his own thoughts for the future for the sake of the present discussion they needed to have. "Our arrival on Yurb was fairly straight forward, but do you remember how you were feeling heading down there? The thoughts and emotions that were running through you?".

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Her attention pulled from him, distraught as she looked to the dresser over his shoulder. With no warning she was up and moving, yanking in frustration at the heavy wood until she could shimmy both sides open. She ignored him, rummaging through undergarments that piled up and overflowed onto the ground below.

Her tension dispersed as her fingers hit metal, the destroyed remained of her first training saber pulled out. She let out a heavy breath, the movement shaky as she stared at it.

"Can we fix it?" She implored, a sense of urgency to her tone as she seemed incapable of thinking outside the moment.

What was she without her saber? Nothing.

The metal was charged and twisted, struck by a bolt of sith lightening so very long ago. It had saved a friend's life back then. So hadn't let it go.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn watched as Kyra Perl seemed to become fixated on finding something, quietly yet desperately possessed to find something hidden within her drawers? The Jedi Knight followed her with his gaze, yet didn't rise to stand or seek to help her. Kyra knew her own room, and here Caedyn was a guest for a change.

When she turned around to reveal the damaged lightsaber, Caedyn studied it curiously from his seat. It looked familiar. "Is that the first hilt that we sparred with?" he asked curiously; "I don't see why it wouldn't be possible to repair the broken components.." he added thoughtfully. All they required were the right materials, the right components to replace the old useless ones.

Some Jedi were more experienced and capable than others at building or repairing technology, Lightsabers, Datapad's and every other device and resource needed by the Order. "It means a lot to you huh?" he asked, intrigued to hear whatever story lay behind her ownership of the weapon.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra cradled it to her, leaning against the dresser and slowly sliding down to the floor. She gave a half-hearted shrug at his question, the girl never one to freely admit her care.

"I can't even hold it now, can I?" Her voice grew tight, the realization that she would be stunted and unable to spar for a long time reaching her. Her gut churned, the blow more devastating than anything yet. Screw the struggle to fold socks. or eat. Or do her hair. The loss of sparring felt like losing another piece of herself all over again.

It had been everything for her. Self-expression. A sense of accomplishment. A reason to get up 5 am for Caedyn's dreaded meditation lessons. Who was she now?

Her gaze flickered up, eyes hard as she considered the concept of a cybernetic for the first time.

"What good am I anymore? I can't do anything for the order. I can't even train."

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"What good am I anymore?
I can't do anything for the order. I can't even train".
​

Caedyn looked to his Padawan, his brows rising a little in skeptical regard for her words. He understood Kyra Perl 's disappointment, her focus being on the injury she had sustained and the likely struggles ahead because of it, however she was also neglecting the fact that she still had one good arm. Not to mention there were options when it came to medical treatments.

"Don't be so quick to sell yourself short, Padawan" Caedyn cautioned her gently, gesturing to her good side; "You'll just have to learn to be a little more ambidextrous for the time being. You still have one good arm, and let's not forget that being a Jedi isn't just about using a Lightsaber. There is so much more to our role than combat.." He added, suddenly wondering if his influence had led her to believe that a Jedi could not serve without such a weapon.

The notion was nonsense, and especially in regards to his Padawan's future.

"I can train with you, still. Not just with a blade but also in the healing arts of the Force; As well as a variety of professional and educational studies that will help to groom your future into a more diverse and enabled nature where helping others is concerned. Investigation techniques, Piloting, agriculture and horticulture, Technology and the Jedi Artisan's path...".

"There's still so many options left for you to take, and this isn't going to be forever" he gestured back to her injury, wanting to remind her that all wounds can heal and especially with the abilities of the Circle of Healers, and general societal resources in today's medical practice.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra felt a sense of numbness slowly drift over her, the horror dissipating into the pit of emotion she had been baring down for weeks. Feeling was so much energy lately. She was tired. So tired. Yet still itching to get up and go-- somewhere, anywhere. She felt ready to burst.

She turned her old saber around in her hands, her thoughts elsewhere as she clung to his words. There's so much more to being a jedi than a saber.

"I want to learn," she whispered, her voice catching and gaining strength. She was done with this all. Done with being weak. Done not being taken seriously. Done being in the back line. She looked up at him then, that stubborn edge to her gaze as she raised her chin his way. "I want to start lessons. Today. Teach me everything. All if it. I'm not dumb-- dont go holding back."

She had a lot of catching up to do, if she was going to accompany him without an arm.

"I'm ready to train again."

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"I know you're not dumb..." Caedyn looked at Kyra Perl with a peculiar smile that hinted at both his slight amusement and yet also concern over the girl's expression and belief that such a thing needed proving; "..-Although perhaps a little silly for thinking that I would believe such a thing" he reached out to poke her forehead once, a playful little jest.

"Our physical activities can wait another week or so" he responded on the subject of her training, "But we can get started right this very minute if that's what you wish. We may as well make the most of your recuperation. I know you've been cleared for duty but I want you to spend a little less time exerting your body and a little more time exercising the mind for the time being..." He grinned lightly. Her time spent away from the dojo or their endurance routines every morning would do her mind justice for coming to terms with the events of the passed month.

"How do you feel about meditation nowadays?" Caedyn chuckled softly, glancing back at her a little smugly; "You're probably going to have to get reacquainted..." he said and waited for some form of argument or groan of dismay, looking a little too amused.

 

[Kyra Perl]

She knew what he was going to say before the words left his lips, his smile speaking volumes. "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh," she groaned, falling back into her pile of clothes.

While her relationship with meditation had changed, her mentality towards it had not.

"Do we haaaaave to? I thought you were gonna say like. Tapas. Or detox. Or pyschometery!" All things she had failed all, and all because she did not meditate and maintain a good relation with the force.

"We meditated sooooooooooooo much the last month, doesn't that fill some like, quota?" She complained rolling her head to look sideways at him. And indeed, they had meditated a lot while pushed through surgeries and healing sessions. But it had all been a means to an end-- an escape from her pain and circumstances. She had had him, and he had gotten her through it all.

But she had never sat alone and cleared her mind of it all.

That was even scarier than facing a sith lord themself. Quite, with just herself? Who knew what she'd see then? "What if we practice fireballs?"

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"Fireballs?" Caedyn blinked at the suggestion, physically blinked; "You mean like they do on the holovids?" he asked with a slightly hoarse laugh in amusement. He hoped she was joking, and not truly expecting him to begin teaching her to manipulate the elements in such a way. While all fun and games to watch on a datapad or while relaxing in the dorms, such things were not within Caedyn's curriculum.

"How do you expect to achieve something like tapas or more advanced mental and telepathic techniques if you can't meditate on your own?" He asked her, generally sounding intrigued as to how she planned on doing such things without Caedyn being there to hold her hand. As much as he hated to admit it, there would come a day where he wouldn't be around anymore to help guide her through these times, and sooner of later Kyra Perl needed to know how to conduct herself outside of her Mentor's company.

"We have done a lot of it, you're right..." He continued, though made sure to emphasize the following word "Together". His Padawan probably knew what to expect in following up, "Now you need to learn how to do these things without my help...-You've had plenty of time to practice, and I've allowed you to read and study my experience and presence during these practices like an open book...-Which is more than most can claim" he smiled a little, pointing out that she ought to count herself lucky in that fact.

"If you're really serious about taking the plunge into your training...-It's time that I withdrew my hand and allowed you to do so on your own, with only my knowledge as guidance from here on out".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Goosebumps speckled over Kyra's arms, true apprehension spreading through her. Do it all. Alone. But she never did anything alone.

The truth of his words rang through her, the girl left with the uncomfortable realization that there was no backing out of this one. Not because she couldn't, but because she didn't want to. She grunted, slowly sitting up. It was unclear whether the blood left her face from the pain or the apprehension. She had been facing a lot of that lately. She was a waif of the padawan she had been a month prior-- her features thin and withdrawn from the time spent in bed. She didn't like her weakness. She didn't like what it costed her.

He was right... If she wanted change, it started here.

She took in a shaky breath, her serious expression a new addition to her attitude as of late.

"Fine." She snuffed, scrunching into bed to pull up her legs and get more comfortable. "...Just.... don't stare at me," she grumbled, a hint of red to her cheeks.

And for the first time ever, she closed her eyes on her on and tried to shut it out. It wasn't so hard anymore. Not since he walked her through doing it.

Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath, her thoughts slipping to Nida Heavenshield and her lost eye...