From the Journal of Ceska Starshield

[huggin_munnin]

Entry 1:

I haven't ever seen the point of recording one's thoughts before. Some Younglings, Padawans and even Masters did so, but I have had no interest. Now though, now is different. Much has happened beyond what I might imagine. I had thought myself just a simple Apprentice, a future Guardian of the New Republic. Now...now, I do not know for certain.

I am Ceska Starshield, once a Youngling and Padawan of the New Jedi Order as I had been since I was three years old. I suppose I am still inexorably tied to the Jedi, as always I shall be. They have been my entire life and I cannot bear them any malice. Not anymore. Even if I stand against them in some way, I feel love for those who have raised me and taught me.

My Master, he was a Rutian Twi'lek of his middle years. He had already trained another to full Knighthood when he found me. I was a Youngling, twelve standard years old, and good with my training saber. But I was prone to anger and frustration. Other Knights and Masters had steered away from me despite my skills. He chose me especially.

He was patient, he truly understood. He was my teacher and even my Father, disciplining me when it was warranted but always ready to forgive and forget. He was huge and imposing, his enemies felt dread but I never did. I knew him well, knew the gentle being under the scars and muscle.

When he died, a part of me died with him. I was so full of rage and grief that I was blind to the efforts of the Masters to help me. I ran, and I am ashamed to say, touched the Dark Side. I fear that, however brief, the contact will forever scar me. It's always there and I know if I don't resist that it shall consume me entirely.

Therefore, I must fight it in whatever way I can. When I meditate, I can feel the scum of the Dark Side on the Force. I can feel the suffering and horror of countless beings. It compels me to act and help those innocents. Thusly, I shall act even if I must work against my beloved Order of Jedi. The Force wills it.

 

[huggin_munnin]

Entry 2:

I have arrived on Ruusan as per my mediations. There could be no doubt of the sight, the Valley of the Jedi, and I knew I had to go there. The Order is here too and it is rebuilding from it's forced exile from Ossus. There was no surprise for me on meeting Corvus Raaf on the steps.

Guilt, I was overwhelmed with guilt as I knelt before the Grandmaster. I had to atone for what I've done. She forgave me and I was surprised at this. I had thought I would be condemned as my dreams had shown me.

We spoke about the ever-growing darkness upon the Galaxy and I was troubled. In truth, I am still troubled. Reaching out throught the Force lets me feel it there and it grows. There too is still the darkness inside of me and I fight against it each day. This frightens me and I wonder how much it influences my actions.

Master Corvus spoke of the Code and not violating it. She said that without it, we were no better than the first Dark Jedi who had rejected the tennents. But there is a difference in my wanting to fight the Sith menace; I do so by the very will of the Force. More and more I listen and it guides me and if I follow the Force, how can it steer me wrong?

There too came a Miraluka, a Knight with the gift of farsight. She was gripped with the Force and she spoke with it's voice. We must put aside petty differences and stand together against the Dark Side. The Force cries out for it, and we have to obey.

If it means I have to go against the Order to fight the Sith, then I will do this thing. The Code is the Jedi but the Jedi are not the Force, but we are merely it's servants. We cannot assert our will, no that is what the Dark Side requires of it's adherents. We must be different, we might do things in the opposite way.

 

[huggin_munnin]

Entry 3:

I have been given to much thought as of late. Especially my conversation with Master Corvus on my return to Ruusan and the Valley of the Jedi. I might become a wise sage with all this thought, yet. However, I don't relish the thought of sitting like a stone and collecting moss. Still, giving more thought to my actions would be good but I feel that sometimes one has to act and not just think.

That was part of the conversation, my frustration with the general lack of action on the part of the Order. Defend and be pushed back, defending and constantly losing ground. Already we have lost our home on Coruscant and our ancestral heart on Tython, we have been pushed out of the Core. It seems like the Council is satisfied with sitting and talking while we stare down oblivion.

Our brothers and sisters in the Silver Order are seperated from us in this time. We should be together, putting petty politics aside as we fight back. The Miraluka spoke almost those very words. These are the words of farseeing but the Grandmaster wishes to waste more time in discussion. It fills me with tremendous frustration.

However, Master Corvus cautioned me to not break the faith with our Code. I have already done it once and how close I came to falling, I cannot say. However, the Code is a guide for our actions and not absolute law because only the Sith deal in absolutes. It makes sense to me now.

Peace, harmony and serenity are being broken and twisted and the Force cries out for it to be made clean and whole again. Therefore, we must act as the agents of it's design. Again, it guides us and lets us better interpret things, does the Code. It cannot stand against the Light, the sages wouldn't have allowed for this.

 

[huggin_munnin]

Entry 4:

I'm looking at the components of my lightsaber as I make this entry, having disassembled it for maintenance. Among the components in front of me is the blue focusing crystal from the caves of Illum. The design, the components, they are all very simple and utilitarian. Nothing more than absolutely necessary.

It makes me reflect on how I made it ten years ago, on this very day in fact. Everything was done simply and without concious effort. I simply followed the will of the Force and it guided what should be. I focused on the now and things happened as they should.

Focusing on the now tells me I can only wait, but, it is the hard way. I want nothing better than to hare off after the Dark Siders nearest to me. I cannot fight them on my own, I need the help of my brothers and sisters. The Miraluka's words of far seeing said this and it feels right. Perhaps it will not always be the case, but things appear to agree with one another.