Forever Meant Nothing [Darth Vizios]

[Sitara Qin]

“It’s been forever.”

Porcelain skin met thick fur. Bubbles. Sitara could swear she was high when she named this thing. The Bantha she kidnapped ages ago had definitely grown. How long has it been since she’s seen him? She was surprised when the creature acknowledged her presence. She was surprised the creature remembered her at all.

It’s been forever, Sitara thought. It’s been far too long.

The hooded figure stayed put as sunlight streamed through the crevices of the old shed. There were no other animals here, just Bubbles, the unfortunately named Bantha Sitara so very much loved. She was careful to come unnoticed.

Outside the dark shed was the life she had to leave behind. She hasn’t seen him in ages. She longed to feel his warm skin pressed against hers. She longed to hear his heartbeat, the only sound that ever really comforted her. She buried her face into the Bantha for a moment, not allowing the tears to fall. How she missed him.

It’s been ages.

Had he searched for her? Sitara could only hope. There were no posters with information of her disappearance. She wasn’t even sure when she last saw him. Could he sense her presence as she invaded their home? Was it even theirs anymore?

“He kept you safe.” She muttered, stroking the animal. It was a bad idea to return, especially when the explanation was something she couldn’t give him. She was far too proud to explain her situation and she still had a job to do.

And yet… the hooded figure lingered.

Wishing for him. Wanting for him.

And the life she left behind.

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

She was here. Xander could feel her. He knew he should have gotten rid of the bantha, but he couldn't bring himself to. He wasn't the one who had left, so how could he be that cruel. Suddenly she was back. Her timing could not have been worse. He'd moved on with his plan. Xander had taken another of royal blood, and she had produced an heir for him. He was king of his homeworlds once again. The Crown Worlds which had been taken from him were his.

His attire was simple, a pair of black pants, and winter sweater. The collar wrapped around his neck like a scarf, and his bearded face kept his cheeks warm in the crisp night air. Did she think he wouldn't know, or sense her? Determined steps carried him to what he was hoping to be him being angry and telling her to leave, but when he opened the door to the shed, and saw her, he couldn't yell.

It was a lie if he said he had not missed her. They had planned a future together, in a sense, and she had gone. Icy blue eyes looked at her porcelain skin and remembered how it felt to hold her. Memories of their time together flooded his mind, and the king began to feel the the pain of loss again.

"What are you doing here," he said with a blank expression etched on his face.

Xander didn't know if he should pull her close and kiss her passionately, or have her thrown out for what she had done to him. He was confused, but also knew two important facts. He was getting married and his princess was with child. Whatever Sitara would want she would have to deal with the truth.

"Where did you go?"

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

His voice.

Sitara wanted to turn around, to see him. How she missed those cerulean eyes that stared longingly into her own. How she missed running her fingers through his hair. How she missed him. His entirety, the way he smelled, the way he spoke, the way wine dribbled down his jaw after drunken nights spent together. She clung onto the bantha, for a split-second longer hoping to buy time.

She didn’t want to face him.

But she had to.

“Xander.”

It was hard to say his name, even harder to face him. He looked just as he always did, though dressed much simpler than she was used to. He looked a little tired, or perhaps it was just the dim lighting and the stench of the shed. Her hood fell over her back, though the dark cloak still draped her shapely body.

She took a step forward, wanting to be closer to him. She bit her lip, not wanting to approach him even more. There was something wrong here, though perhaps, it was just her overthinking things and not being as sensitive to the fact that she did leave.

“Xander…” It was all she good say. She willed the tears not to fall, and they didn’t. They didn’t even form.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. ‘I can’t tell you. I want to, but I can’t.’ The words would travel to his mind, a soft whimper. He was familiar to her, yet now, he seemed so distance.

“How…” She began to say, before realizing her voice wouldn’t let her speak. She felt weak around him. ‘How’ve you been?’

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

He was afraid to open his mind to her. They had been close, bonded in the force in a very intimate level. One could argue their bond pushed deeper than the one henjad formed with his betrothed. Yes, he had taken Thais as a lover, and was going to marry her, but they had not been together as long, or as many times, and Xander and Sitara had been. The King was not about to abandon his current engagement simply because the woman who had left him walked back into his life. He finally relented and let her words flood into his mind.

"Naturally you cannot," he conveyed with a sense of annoyance. "You leave me and cannot tell my why, where you have been, no matter how much you want to. We were lovers, of the most intimate kind, but you cannot trust me with the explanation I want."

He ignored her question of how he was doing. She was smart and would know that he was currently not happy. He wanted to be. He wished he could just drop everything and run to her, but no. Choices had been made, choices which would see them apart.

"I've done well for myself considering. You may want to join me in the house rather than stay out here in the stable. There is much to discuss, and I am more that certain you will not like most of it."

It was like Xander to cut right to business, and she knew this. If Sitara was curious she would follow. He turned on his heels and headed back to the house. It was only then he let the fear fall down his cheek. This would have been better had she never come back to find him. She was still as beautiful as the day she left, and Xander knew it was going to be hard to do what had to be done, but his future, and that of his family, demanded he do this. Xander also felt he owed it to Sitara. She know doubt sensed the distance he was keeping from her even through the force or the bond they had formed.

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

He was cold to her. Sitara knew him long, and she knew him well. There was something important he needed to tell her. It was like ice nipping at her heart the way he spoke to her. She didn’t need the force to feel this wall he was putting between them. A part of her was annoyed. He should be in my arms, and yet, part of her knew she deserved this treatment.

She’d beg for his apologies later. She couldn’t tell him where she’s been.

Not yet anyways, not till there was the plan to complete.

When she was no longer being held against her will, she’d tell him. She’d tell him everything and then they could be happy.

As he spoke of doing well, Sitara nodded. She was glad he was doing okay, considering everything that happened. Yet something in his word stung her, and she wasn’t quite sure what it is. She followed behind him, keeping her distance yet staying close.

They did have to talk, and Sitara loathed talking when they could do other things. Couldn’t he just make love to her now and forgive her?

No small talk would be exchanged on the walk home. As they entered the palace they once shared, Sitara felt a wave of nostalgia crashing into her senses. This was home to her, a second home. Xander never did appreciate the messy apartment she kept and preferred a place with people he could boss around and make them serve them wine.

It felt less homey than she remembered.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared over at him him while they settled.

He was never this cold and serious with her, not even the first time they met when he threatened her because she teased him too much. This side of Xander was one Sitara hadn’t ever seen, and she wasn’t sure she liked it.

“What is it?” She spoke aloud. She felt as though he didn’t want to reignite the bond they shared, and she wasn’t sure why.

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

Yes he was cold, she had left. What did she expect, that he would just so easily forgive. Things were never that simple, and never that kind. Certainly there was still a degree of lust in the way he looked at her. She had always been a wonderful partner, lover, and they had had their fill of it all. Still, the wall went up, high and thick.

The palace grounds were the smaller version of what he now occupied on Indupar. Ec Pand was not the capitol, and as King his primary residence was the royal palace. It had been a whim he was even on Ec Pand. He was finding a certain Merlot, when requested by a Hapan friend of his. It had been her favorite of his when offered it as amends for killing her lead researcher. A job was a job, and the job had paid well. Usually Xander would offer Sitara a glass of wine, but he figured he didn't want anything in her hands that could be thrown in his face. He'd broken his unspoken promise as well.

"I reclaiked my throne on Indupar, but not without certain costs. To secure my position I needed to produce an heir, and an alliance was made with the princess of Isis to produce me that heir. In your absence, I agreed, and planned, a binding alliance through marriage with her. We are to be wed, and she is with child."

Xander said it as calm as he could. There was no sense in hiding it. Sitara would learn the truth sooner or later, and now was the best option, before they found themselves tangled in the silk sheets of his own bedchamber. He said nothing more, and let the words sink in.

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

Reclaimed my throne….

Secure my position….

Heir….

Alliance…

Princess...

Marriage…

Wed…

Child….

The words sank in, heavily. Though Sitara could only define this pain as something between the slap and the hot burn that came afterward. It was a wise decision not giving her anything she could throw at him. She was fuming, though her expression remained calm.

At least…for a little while.

“You stupid fething arsehole.” She snapped, lightning crackling at her fingertips. ‘I’m gone for a bit and you go and get someone pregnant?’ The tears were forming at the corners of her eyes and she was too pissed to talk. The memories of them swarmed her head, and she was careful not to let Xander see.

‘And now you’re marrying this bloody schutta?’ She mentally screamed, the lightning jumping from her fingertips to the wall behind him. She was angry, she was pissed. All she wanted to do was murder him right now, but she knew she couldn’t. Deep down, she knew it was right for him to move on.

But she never expected this.

‘Did everything…did any of that even mean anything to you?’ She wanted to scream the words aloud so much, yet she could only convey them through the force. She was too appalled to scream at him, though her rage was piling up.

She let the thought sink into the back of her mind. He hadn’t searched for her, instead he moved on and impregnated some stupid bloody princess. All this while she was captured by that filthy piece of green filth. She took a few steps closer towards him, lightning wild between her fingers. 'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.' The tears were about to fall, and she didn't care if he saw them.

But none of that mattered now. Her beloved Xander belonged to another and no amount of lightning was going to change that.

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

And there was the lightning. Xander knew she wasn't going to take the news well. She was angry and had every right to be, but had every right to move on. How could she expect fidelity from him when she had not been faithful herself. Now he was the one who was upset. His eyes turned from a blue to red, and Sitara had seen this before, when the force raged through him like an unquenchable fire. He stepped forward his own lightining ready to strike if needed.

"Did it mean anything to me? I was faithful to you the entire time, yet you... Marek, Sage, Ali, how many others were there Sitara? Did you really love me, or just the position and prestige I could offer? When you left me what was I suppposed to think. I was mad, then I was torn, then I went looking for you, but I had to keep my life going, my plans. Thais was there when you were not, and she filled the hole you left wide open, and I love her for it, Tara. Hate me all you want, but you left."

He knew that would upset her, make her mad. Xander prepared himself. His estate was bout to get thrashed, but it was going to be well worth it. Staring her down, Xander dared her to try and make her move. The man was more powerful than her, and it was not going to end well for either of them.

"You want to fry me, then try."

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

He was pinning this on her.

All this time while he didn’t ask her for anything. How was she supposed to know what they were? He was unclear, he said he had baggage, he had things to settle. She was never sure where he was going with her. And after…After she followed him around like a stupid fething puppy dog helping him slay stupid beasts and destroy stupid amulets he decides to fly like a free bird to the nest of some spoiled princess.

“What’re you gonna do, strike me?” Sitara snapped.

He was taunting her. She hated this. She hated him. This wasn’t how she planned things would go. She knew he was stronger than her. He had years of experience and she was a child compared to him. Yet she was angry. He was already hurting her emotionally, he might as well deal the physical blow too.

This room, this estate where they shared the sweetest of memories was now filled with violence. Sitara charged towards him—in a swift, yet reckless rush—her hands crackling with lightning. She lunged at his throat.

‘You love her.’ He said that she did and Sitara suddenly felt a bottomless void in her stomach. Her vision blurred with her tears. ‘You never even said that to me.’

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

Xander's hand flew up and a massive force push was sent at Sitara. Did she really think he was going to let her rush at his throat with lightning in her hands. The brunette needed to see past her rage and hurt and remember that Xander could crush her if he wanted to. At this point he did not want to. While Xander was supposed to have been married, the woman and been arrested before they could have been. The Sith Lord had no idea what would happen to the child, or if the child would be born alive. There was no longer an correspondence between them now, no word. This was purely about making Sitara feel the pain he felt when she had left him without a word. Perhaps it was more than he should do, but he was feeling in a rather vindictive mood.

"You never wanted me to. The last time I tried suggesting any sense of feelings you told me you didn't know what you felt. Do you want to hear the truth, Tara? Do you want to know?"

He was still angry, but people seemed to be rather honest when they were angry. Some people did not understand that fact, but honesty and anger were usually best friends. Xander was angry enough that he would be fully transparent with the woman he had called his lover. The room they were in had many memories associated with it, memories Xander could not push out of his mind. How could he? The past was part of his life, a very significant part of his life. Sitara had helped him free himself of the powerful spirit which was bound to the amulet he wore. She'd nursed him back to health when it had almost killed him. The many nights of wine filled intimacy were not the ones strongest in Xander's mind. It was the memories of the actions which told Xander how Sitara had truly felt about him.

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

Her heel skid against the ground as he quite literally pushed her away. She gritted her teeth, staring the Sith lord in the eye. He could kill her, she knew that, but she also knew he wasn’t going to. Call it intuition, or the force bond they had shared, but she knew him, and she knew that he at least felt something for her. She stared up at him, eyes blazing red.

“I was scared Xander! Of course I didn’t know how I felt. It was hard for me to understand what I was feeling!”

She had just been eighteen after all, and she didn’t really know how to deal with what she was feeling. It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to tell him. Eventually. She up at him and felt strange knowing that this man was bound to someone else now. She hated it.

“What’s the truth, Xander? That you love your stupid princess bride who’s probably a corpse in bed? Or what? You’re going to have happy little children on your happy little planet together?” She screamed in frustration. The lightning travelled from her hand and leaped towards one of the many eloquent vases, shattering it.

She didn’t want to hear the truth if that was that. She didn’t want to know that she lost him.

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

She was so young and naive. How did Xander ever expect her to hear what was he was saying through he anger and rage. Sitara had never embraced the feelings which had confused, had she, they may not even be having this heated discussion. Was it the truth she had been confused, scared, or was it she never really felt for Xander what he had felt for her. Leaving all better judgement aside, judgement which told him to run from her, cast her out, Xander closed the distance between them with a couple of steps. There was still a decent amount of space between them, but it was time for this to end before his receiving room was totally destroyed.

"The truth is I wanted to tell you many times that I loved you, but any talk of feelings pushed you away, made you second guess things. When you left, I only assumed, I only could assume you did not feel the same. I never asked anything of you, not even that you stop seeing others. You're free, and I'm not sure you wanted to be trapped in the bottle my plans may have put us both in."

He took another step to her. Reaching out this time his palm was up, offering to take hers. Sure she could hurt him, but if she had wanted to, she would have. Instead it seemed she was content to destroy his things.

"Do you want to hear it now?"

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

Did he mean it? Or was he just saying it to get her to calm down. The truth was, she was so angry and hurt and confused and she hated feeling so…weak. She questioned it for a moment; did the jedi get their strength from controlling their emotions while here she was channeling it? It gave her power, definitely, but at what cost? She wasn’t feeling any better, yet hearing those words, shifted the emotion within her.

He stepped towards her. She hesitated to accept his hand, yet she did it because it felt right. She was scared to touch him, scared of what it might spark between them. Was she really ready to discover the truth?

It was now or never. She had to get her peace. If she had to leave, it would be for good this time. She would tell him how she felt, she would tell him everything. “Okay…” She said, looking up at those blue eyes she’s missed so much. “I’m sorry Xander…” She murmured. “For everything."

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

When she took his hand, Xander felt that everything might actually be okay for once. His life had been one obstacle after another, and he was not wanting there to be anymore. This one seemed more of his own making than anything, and now he had to make it right. Yet here he was only holding her hand when he should be pulling her to himself. Xander did, he pulled the young woman to himself, and held her tight. He could smell the scent of her hair once more, and the appealing aroma of her perfume which made him wild for her. She was sorry, yet he needed to be as well. If only she could tell him why she had been gone for so long it would make everything better.

Xander had withheld the fact Thais had been arrested, and the daughter he had fathered he never met. Things happened so fast, changes Xander had never sought, but they happened as though the force was telling him he had made the wrong move. His lips pressed to her forehead, and Xander looked into the eyes of the woman who had been his most passionate lover. His own began to soften toward her, and the icy blue eyes of his, bore deep into the woman's gaze. Sitara was not the young girl she had been.

"I love you Sitara, that was always the truth. Had you not left, run off, I would have made you mine in every way I could, in every way you would have let me."

There is was. The truth, and finally given without reservation. He could only hope her own feelings had been sorted out. If she did not feel the same he would understand, but Xander was no longer going to hide what he had felt for her. After all, she had been the one by his side through the most trying parts of his life.

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

Xander pulled her towards him, and Sitara couldn’t help but melt as she always had. This felt…right. They were bonded by the force like no other, and though they had separated, Sitara knew it was still there— that it would always be there. She held him close, her head resting on his chest. Did it matter that some other woman was in his life at this moment? It did. Yet Sitara knew that Xander loved her, and anyone else who came along paled in comparison.

It was a matter of eliminating the competition—but she could get to that later.

“I love you too, Xander.” She murmured, looking up at him. “I’m sorry for leaving. I really really want to tell you why I disappeared, but I can’t yet. And it doesn’t matter right now.”

She really couldn’t. There were…things in her body that prevented her from speaking out, from saying anything. She was made to be compliant, and she didn’t know if she’d ever escape the woman’s grasp. “Just know that I do…I want to be with you in every way.” She whispered, her eyes fading from their intense amber to their normal blue-grey.

“But you have your princess, and your child.” She muttered. “I don’t know if I could ever give you that.”

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

"But I don't," Xander said quietly. "We were on Ascension for the wedding, and she was arrested, taken from me. The child, I know nothing of whether she lived or not."

More truth. They had to share it. Xander didn't want to believe Sitara was lying to him, so he decided to believe her. He would learn it was something she had to do on her own, to be free of what had her bound. If Xander knew though, his wrath would rain down on the one who had trapped her. Right now though, that did not matter. What mattered was they had to act on what they both knew to be right.

"I don't care if you can give that. There are ways around that which royalty has used for millennium, but never mind that."

Xander kissed her lips and lifted her. When he broke the kiss he tossed her over his shoulder as if she were a sack of potatoes. His steps headed into a direction she was all too familiar with. The room they had shared and called theirs. Sitara was home, and Xander was not going to waste anymore time being upset with her. No they had fought, and now they needed to make up. Nothing would be right until they were together in the way the both enjoyed most.

[member="Sitara Qin"]

 

[Sitara Qin]

There were things they still needed to talk about, yet Sitara knew there would be another time for that. They lived in the present: not the past, and they’d get to the future later on. What mattered now was that they were together and that they were happy. She was content with this, and maybe later on, they’d talk about the future and what would happen to them. She wasn’t ready to have kids, and maybe that was what Xander wanted. She worried about it.

Yet as her lips met his, as they headed towards their bedroom, Sitara knew it didn’t really matter. This was how things should be, and this was how they were going to stay. She left him once, and now she was certain that she couldn’t be without him.

As they were made whole again, Sitara knew that everything would be alright.

| [member="Darth Vizios"] |

 

[Judah Lesan]

Everything was once again as it should be. Xander and Tara laid in their bed, the sheets a tangled mess, and the warmth of her soft flesh held firmly to his own. He would be a fool to ever let go of her again, but Xander knew her, and she was a free spirit. The woman would leave again, but this time, Xander would be sure to know where she was, and what she was up to.

His hand played with the stands of her dark hair which was a complete mess after such a passionate reunion. The two had always been the kind to be passionate with their encounters, and spent their energy well. Now was the time for them to discuss the issues at hand. Xander's child was rumored to be still born. He was no where further along in his plan than before, and Sitara was unsure of whether she could give him the child he wanted, or needed.

"I understand if you do not want to have any children," Xander said as his hand started to caress her bare back. "Unfortunately, without a child, another family will simply challenge my rule, and House Blackmoore will lose the throne at my death. There are ways around this, but I am not sure you will like them."

[member="Sitara Qin"]