Private Fishing For Feeling

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio
Alana pushed her small skiff off the muddy riverbank, the water around her a dark, reflective green, rippling under the canopy of towering Wroshyr trees. Shafts of sunlight filtered through thick vines and moss, painting the river with dappled light. Birds called out from high above, and somewhere in the distance, a family of Wookiees paddled their larger craft across the mirrored water.

She gripped the fishing rod tightly, a tinge more traditional than the fishing-nets most locals used. However, it suited her quiet, contemplative mood this morning, and she assumed her companion would relate in that regard. The river here was teeming with life: slippery riverfish darted beneath the surface, while larger, slower creatures stirred beneath the shadows of submerged roots. The small motor on the skiff came to light thankfully, as she began the trek out to find a proper fishing spot.

Kneeling in the boat, she glanced over to her companion, and gave a small smile, hoping to get some sort of response out of Reina.

It had been so long, since they had last spoken. Even met to get down to it, but, here they were...fishing...just like they had been all those....however long ago it was.

The woman just felt, cold to her now. Not that Alana didn't deserve it, she had done...quite a deal wrong, in the past few years of her life. Still, she hoped their reunion would....be different than this. The Echani's expression tightened, as she let out a small sigh. For a time, the soft hum of the motor and the sounds of the wildlife was all that could be heard.

Alana mused over what to say, or how to even start this conversation.

There was so much she missed out on. So much she failed to do. In her mind, she was beyond redemption for many things, but, she had to try and make things right with the people she cared about. Reina being on such person.

But what to say?

"So, how's it going?"

She winced as the words left her tongue. Probably not the best way to start this conversation.

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

This felt wrong for Reina. There was a part of her, a more primal part now that wanted to just dive into the water. To hunt for the fish with her bare hands. But that wasn't what she wanted to play into. The more predator nature of her new self that she did her best to try and bury away. She was sure she could use it to her advantage as a Jedi eventually, but today was not that day. Who knows when that day would be?

For now, she glanced over towards Alana catching the small smile with Reina sending a small wave in response. Reina was afraid to smile in this moment. With the primal urges in the back of her mind, she wouldn't have put it past herself to have her teeth replaced with the fangs that she got now. This just all felt different. Reina had needed Alana plenty of times in the past and the woman had vanished. Reina was doing her best not to hold it against the Echani but...well, Reina had always been stubborn. That hadn't changed.

And then Alana asked how Reina was going. How was she meant to answer that without speaking? It was easier said than done. Would Alana know Galactic Sign Language? No. Reina had no reason to think that the Echani would know any of that. There wasn't exactly any datapad that Reina could turn around and start typing on. So it seemed like it was going to be some good ol' fancy charades. Well, at the very least this was an easy enough question to answer through charades. The redhead just turned over towards Alana and held her hand out before shaking it about as if to say things were going so-so. It could be a lot worse for her if she was honest.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

At least there were signs of life from Reina now. Though the reaction she sparked leaves her feeling a tinge of guilt from having disappeared from this woman’s life.

The years hadn’t been kind to Reina, that was for certain. They had started off fishing for a time, but things had just kept them apart. They both had gone through hardship alone, when they perhaps should have sought out one another.

Alana cast a gaze off to the side, as she navigated past another skiff, thinking of what really to say. “Never been here before, but, heard it was nice….was hoping we could, try and just stay friends. Given everything.”

She looked back to Reina, struggling with what to say. What could she say? Hey, sorry for dropping off the face of the galaxy for so long.

Yeah, real good conversation sparker there.

“I’m sorry I left.” She blurted out, loooing of to the side, watching as the water rippled as they passed, musing on what exactly she was doing here.

She couldn’t expect someone to just, take her in after all that. After everything, it couldn’t be that simple. It was hard taking someone in and watching them vanish on you. Alana had done that to so many people since her ‘fall’. But you had to start somewhere….why not here.

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

In the past, Reina would have said everyone left. It was why she had been alone for so long. But that wasn't the truth. Not anymore. Not since she found her family. If anything, people were starting to stay. Her sister. Everest. Valery. Colette. They had saved her. They had stayed by her side when Reina believed no-one could. Her gaze just stayed on the water as Alana apologised, still saying nothing.

Instead, there were dozens of thoughts rushing through the red-head's mind as she ran her hands through the water. Saying that nothing had changed would clearly be a lie on her part but at the same time, she wasn't as angry as she used to be. She had ironically lost her anger when she had lost herself. It had been an experience that she needed, not that Reina would ever admit it. Though eventually she spoke. Carefully. Pointedly. Doing her best...not to give something that sounded like a command. She didn't want to influence Alana.

"...I found my family. Well...They found me."

It was true. It had been her sister who had found her. Not the other way around. Reina hadn't even been looking for them. The thought of finding them wasn't overly important....

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

Alana shifted slightly in the boat, her hands began to fiddle with the oar, eyes following the ripple where Reina's fingers traced the water. The silence stretched, but she didn't push against it; she didn't need to. She felt she was on thin ice as it was.

Then when Reina finally spoke, Alana let the words sink in, the honesty of them pressing against something she rarely admitted to herself.

"…that's good," She said softly, her tone lacking the sharp edge it typically carried. "Better than good, actually. I'm glad someone found you. Glad you let them stay...unlike me"

Her gaze drifted back to the treeline, voice quieter now. "Not everyone gets that. Not everyone knows what it's like, having people worth calling family. Feels… rare."

She gave a faint, almost rueful laugh, shaking her head. "I lost all of that, you know? I...went away, scared I would only drag you down if I was here and...for a while I felt like I'd never....be happy again."

Alana glanced back to Reina then, offering a crooked half-smile. "But hearing you say all that…makes me feel happy, for you Reina...I just...."

The smile faded, her hands settling on her knees as she looks to the woman. "I'm...trying to start a new family, that I can keep this time around."

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

"I'm not happy."

It was blunt. Direct. Straight to the point. The old Reina rearing her head up. The frustration bubbling up to the surface as she couldn't bring herself to look at Alana. Not out of anger towards the Echani. No. Anger towards herself.

"I tried to take myself out Alana. When Serina had found me. I tried to put my fate into my own hands. My life. And I failed. Once again, I am only breathing because of pure luck."

It was heavy. Dark. But Reina needed to get it off her chest. She wasn't happy. How could she be happy after that? It wasn't something Reina had properly approached yet. She had told Eloise about it at least, as part of her treatment, but Reina hadn't went into full details about it. She hadn't told Everest. Valery. Not even Colette. It was something that Reina was keeping inside of herself. Letting it fester.

"...So if you're genuinely making a family, don't karking bail on them. Don't abandon them. Because you might not know the next time you get to see them. If you ever get to see them again."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

That name made her flinch, and Alana immediately rose a hand up. A tidal wave of dark thought, memories, feeling her skin but-

"Please, just, don't...use that name around me." She says softly, hiding the pain back as much as she could. The less she thought of the woman, the better.

She knew Serina had a mark out for Reina, but she never knew the details. She didn't know what all had occurred to the woman. Alana could only hope it wasn't to the same extent she had been handled. It had taken a long time to work out those deep rooted feelings, the pain, make peace with herself after all that time.

"I don't aim to, after everything, I'm tired of running....but she is the reason why I left to, being her personal slave like I was....with the controls, the torture..." She flinched at feeling herself cook inside her own armor, the pain of being stabbed through by that ranseur. Her shoulder flared up at just the thought.

"I was unstable, and dangerous for all of you...but I'm glad you're still here, with us. With me." She spoke her voice quiet, though she moved up to Reina, holding out a hand to guide the small engine with the Force, as she would settle beside the woman. "I'm sorry I wasn't there then. But I am here now...and I intend to stay here." Her voice took on a degree of confidence, for Alana did believe what she said. She meant it.

There would be no more running for her. Those days were through.

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

A small flare up of anger flicked between Reina's eyes. Don't use that name? What else was Reina meant to use? Monster? Abomination? Filth of the Galaxy? Reina knew she was angry at herself more than anything. And so she was doing her best to hold it in, even as the water reacted to her emotions. Waves growing ever so slightly more aggressive.

"She changed who I am. Changed my blood. My very being. She's turned me...into a monster. A specimen."

Reina knew there were natural born Ersansyr. But she wasn't one of them. She was fake. False. A creation. Not natural. She shouldn't exist. Her mind was spiralling once again as she pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her face into her legs as she tried to steady her emotions. Unstable. Dangerous. That's what Reina was. It's why she couldn't trust herself to be with her family. She couldn't bring herself to look at them anymore. She had found them only to feel like she could never see them again.

"You might stay here. But who says I will? Who says how long I'll ever be here anymore? I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be breathing."

Whilst Alana seemed to have the confidence needed in herself...Reina had nothing anymore. No confidence. No drive. No belief in who she was. Not anymore.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

Alana listened for a time, and slowly produced a cigarillo from her side pouch, but didn't light it. Just holding it in her hand, before she spoke. "Do you think I ain't thought the same? That I don't look in the mirror every day and see something broken starin' back? They made sure of that. Tore me apart, rewrote me, shoved me into a skin that don't even feel mine half the time....but I'm still here. And so are you."

She exhaled, slow, staring at the end of her cig. Life was kind of like these damn things, have to just savor it before you burn out.

She glanced toward Reina.

"Monster, specimen, abomination; those are words they use to dehumanize you. But you? You're sittin' right here in front of me. Breathin'. Hurtin'. Fightin' to hold it together even when you think you got nothin' left. You are still you, Reina..."

Alana crouched down, her voice softer now.

"Maybe you feel like you shouldn't exist. I shouldn't either. But we do. And we don't get to pick the blood in our veins. What we do get to pick is whether we keep on breathin', keep on damn well provin' that no one gets to decide what we are but us."

She put the cig away, now wasn't the right time, then looked Reina in the eye.

"So if you're tellin' me you don't belong? Well, you are kinda right. You don't belong to them. Don't belong to her. You have a family right...you said you ain't going abandon them, so...don't. People want you here, Reina..."

She would try and set a hand on the girls shoulder. "I want you here."

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

"I'm not. I'm not who I was. Reina wouldn't give up. Reina wouldn't be stressing over any of this. She'd just kick these feelings in their face and stop worrying about them. I can't do anything like that. Not anymore."

Even as Alana spoke, Reina just pulled her legs up, staring off into the abyss of the ocean. The back of her mind just wanting to submerge herself into the Abyss and never come out of it. But she stayed where she was, not able to push herself off into the water. Alana said how they got to pick if they kept on breathing...but that wasn't true. Not to Reina. She had tried to stop herself from breathing, and even that choice had been ripped out of her hands.

And then Alana confirmed what Reina had been saying. She didn't belong. That's what Reina had hyperfocused on. Gripping onto her leg in frustration. She didn't belong but people wanted her here. But she wasn't good for them. She'd just put them in danger. That's what was going on in her head.

"...You might want me here...but everyone else has moved on. They're onto a new step of their lives...and I'm just here. Not progressing. Not going anywhere. I'm just stuck."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

“I doubt that everyone has moved on, Reina.” She says softly, moving to side beside her, hand across her shoulder.

“And you’re not stuck….you’re confused as to why you’re still here.” She says softly, looking to the back of the skiff, frowning at the thoughts, how this reminded her of her own failings.

“Did I ever tell you, what happened to me?” She asks gently, prodding Reina in the side to try and remove the woman from her stupor. Alana wasn’t sure if it would work or not. It had last time. “We…went through something similar, I think. Maybe it’ll…..help if I tell you what I did.”

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

Reina shook her head at that thought. It felt like everyone had moved on. That everything was different. Even Reina was different, as much as she had wanted to be the same. It was cyclical in nature. She needed to figure out how to break the cycle, though she turned her head over towards Alana, giving the woman a small glare.

"Don't. Don't tell me. Don't relive the pain. Don't make me hate her more."

It was for both Alana and Reina's protection. She didn't want Alana to relive that experience, and Reina was trying to get over her anger. Her mercy had to prevail over her wrath. She had to learn how to be merciful, even though her fibre of her being went against that mindset.

"Just...I'll be fine. In time. I think...I don't know how to feel about...anything right now."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

Alana collected up her cigarillo, and lit it. She got up, and moved back to tend to the motor. She let the stick burn down between her fingers, the ember tracing slow in the dark. She didn't flinch at Reina's glare, just breathed through it, steady. She didn't speak for a while, letting the gentle hum of the engine and the displacement of water be their soundtrack for a time.

"Alright," She said quietly. "I won't bring her up. Don't need to. I know how poison sits in your chest when you keep drinkin' the same memory over and over. I been there."

She leaned back, eyes half-lidded, as if watching something far away.

"There were nights I swore I wasn't me anymore. I'd look at my own hands and feel like they didn't belong."

She drew a shaky breath, the words softer now. She just let out a sigh,

"You don't gotta be fine for me. All you gotta do is let yourself keep bein' here long enough to see if tomorrow feels any different. It won't happen over night."

Alana turned her eyes back to Reina, voice low but firm. It wasn't much, but it was the truth that she needed to hear.

"You ain't alone in this. Not unless you choose to be, Reina."

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

She just stayed silent. There was much she needed to say. Reina just hadn't wanted Alana to relive the experience by saying it outloud. In the same that Reina didn't want to tell anyone about the precise details about what happened to her. It would be reliving all of the pain. All of the suffering. And that was something that Reina couldn't do.

"My hands don't belong to me. My leg doesn't belong to me. Every day feels different. Feels wrong. The more I accept this, the more I feel like...I'm giving something up."

Reina knew she wasn't alone. That had been obvious enough to her now. But there were so many ways people were trying to help her, and Reina didn't know how to accept any of the help. She had been so used to doing things her own way, having expected people to always leave her eventually. So now for her to be proven wrong...Reina didn't know how to deal with it.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Location: Kashyyyk
Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

Alana let the words settle between them, the quiet broken only by the lapping of water against the boat. She didn't rush to answer, but she wouldn't aim to argue or soften the truth Reina had put into the air. Her hands flexed slightly on her knees, as though she were grounding herself in the moment. She took in a quick puff on her smoke, and set it aside, before speaking.

"Just because you are accepting it means giving something up," She said finally, her voice low, steady. "It just means…learning to carry it. Doesn't make it any less yours. Doesn't make you any less you."

Her head tilted, the faintest crease forming between her brows. "I get it, though. That feeling of being split in half; like the person you were and the person you are now don't quite fit together anymore. It's…hard not to look at yourself and wonder what got lost in between."

Alana's lips curved into a small, bittersweet smile. She waved off the bits of ash building at the end of her cigarillo. "Point is, you're still here. Still fighting with all that weight. That tells me you haven't given anything up. Not the parts that matter."

She let her gaze drift back to the water, leaving the words there without pressure. It was all she could offer in this time, and she wasn't sure if it was going to help.

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

She had to do her best to try and not let herself snap at Alana. Yes, the part of Reina that was still willing to fight was still here, but that was the part of herself that Reina hated. The aggression. The anger. She didn't want any of that. But according to Alana, that was the only part of Reina that mattered that still remained. Of course, Reina knew she was probably misunderstanding the Echani, so she did her best not to dwell on it...Just dwell on the ocean ahead of herself...

"Hm....Sure. Yeah. I guess that all makes sense. Yeah..."

Alana probably knew best. She had been through something like this before in the past. So it was probably best to take her advice for now as Reina just stared out into the ocean ahead of herself. Trying to figure out what she wanted to say. What she wanted to do. But once again...It was just silence that she could reply with. She couldn't think of anything. Reina wasn't in the best of places in this moment after all.

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >

 

[Alana Calloway]

Tags: Reina Daival
Gear: In Bio

Alana glanced sidelong at Reina, catching the clipped tone beneath her words and the silence that followed. She didn't bristle at it, just shifted her gaze back out over the water, giving Reina that space she seemed to need.

"…you don't have to force yourself to agree with me." She said after a while, her voice calm, quiet, carrying no edge. "I'm not trying to tell you who you are, or what should matter to you. I just…see what I see."

She let her fingers trail along the boat's edge, tapping once against the wood. "And if you don't want to talk, if silence feels safer, then that's fine too. I'm not going anywhere."

The words were simple, but there was a weight behind them, an unspoken promise. Alana didn't push for more. She just sat there with her, letting the breeze carry off whatever neither of them was ready to say out loud.

Alana let the boat engine hum along until she reached the spot she assumed to be the spot for fishing. Then she awkwardly just sat there, looking to Reina, and back to the rods. “So…want to go fishing still?”

 

[Reina Daival]

Tag: Alana Calloway

It wasn't so much her forcing herself to agree with anyone. It was Reina starting to get out of the muck of her head. Shrugging her shoulders at the comment about silence. It wasn't as if Reina had much to talk about in this moment. Or well, much she was willing to talk about. There was a lot of weight on her shoulders, but she was slowly starting to work at it.

"...I mean you're going somewhere. The currents are taking us somewhere."

An attempt at humour. It wasn't much, but it was something at the end of the day. Something Reina wasn't good at but working at. Either way, Reina shook her head, turning her attention over towards the water, gently running her hand through it, letting out a long sigh at the same time.

"I don't mind fishing. It's simple. It's relaxing. Just...something that I'm used to doing...And I enjoy it. I enjoy spending time with you. Even if it doesn't feel like I am...."

Spoiler: OOC Notes

: Means written/typed communication : < Means Sign Language communication >