Jake Jace
Active Member
I need some feedback on him
Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos
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Evasion Studios
Disclaimer:
I rarely participate in feedback threads, mainly because I never want to offend someone with something of their creation, so I tend not to post regardless of how polite I might be to make sure that doesn't happen. However, from what I read in your character biography, you take advice well, so I'll give this a shot.
First of all, welcome to Chaos. I don't know your history of roleplay, Star Wars knowledge/lore, or previous writing experience - but it's always great to have a new writer to this Galaxy we've expanded on to create such a unique story. So, glad to have you on board, and hope you stick around. For the feedback, I've broken the topics into sections for better understanding on where I'm coming from in this post.
Grammar
Looking over the character biography, the very first thing that strikes me is the format. I am unsure of what program you used in order to type this up, and possibly copy and paste it into the thread here, but there are no spaces. It's just one big list, which makes it rather unfriendly to read. So the first helpful tip I'll give is that you can go into post you've made (that hasn't been locked) and click the 'EDIT' button. Then you can go through and move everything to how you'd like it to be. I do this with pretty much every post I make, mainly because I'm a perfectionist. So it's a good habit to get into. In the same train of thought, there are also not many spaces between sentences. Rule of thumb grammatically is to have two space after the end of a sentence to distinguish it as a new sentence.
A lot of the story is written in a very repeating style. ( Jake did this. Jake did that. Jake wondered this. ) This is common for those starting out, and is a good basis in getting started. My advice for this would be to do a bit of reading of the Star Wars novels out there. The more you read how other writers and authors construct their stories, the better you will get when you try to emulate their style. Copying someone else is the best way (in my opinion) to get started, until you start to blend in parts of your own personality and thoughts into the style, and construct one of your own. This does take time. A favorite recommendation of mine would be the Darth Bane Trilogy - which you can listen to for free on Youtube here, here, and here.
Story
The story you've put together here seems to progress at different intervals. It does give emphasis on his parents reactions to his birth and what path each of them took. However from then on it is completely focused on training from his father. It mentions nothing about his personality, preferences, friends, enemies, loves. Doesn't mentioning schooling, hobbies, adventures, or anything else that went on in his life. For the five years of training (which is the bulk of the second half of the history) it's very limiting on what he's been up to. My advice would be to ask yourself several questions about his youth, and how he grew up.
Questions like:
Another thing to add is that since he was on Coruscant most of his life - is that the Jedi are very very famous. They had a temple on that planet that was home to the Jedi Order. Force sensitive people (especially on Coruscant) could easily approach the temple and get training there. Was there a reason he didn't? Was there a reason his Father didn't suggest that? All these things could add more depth to Jake's personal history.
These are just suggestions though. Wanted to give you some food for thought - and I hope you take these ideas and run with them. Make Jake your own, and really invest in him. I hope you have a great time, and don't hesitate to ask questions - we're all happy to help! Also if you're looking for examples of other character sheets - in my signature you'll see a link to my characters, which you can take a look at. I'm not the best, but I've been around for a while and maybe they'll be of some help.
May the Force be with You.
[member="Jake Jace"]
I rarely participate in feedback threads, mainly because I never want to offend someone with something of their creation, so I tend not to post regardless of how polite I might be to make sure that doesn't happen. However, from what I read in your character biography, you take advice well, so I'll give this a shot.
First of all, welcome to Chaos. I don't know your history of roleplay, Star Wars knowledge/lore, or previous writing experience - but it's always great to have a new writer to this Galaxy we've expanded on to create such a unique story. So, glad to have you on board, and hope you stick around. For the feedback, I've broken the topics into sections for better understanding on where I'm coming from in this post.
Grammar
Looking over the character biography, the very first thing that strikes me is the format. I am unsure of what program you used in order to type this up, and possibly copy and paste it into the thread here, but there are no spaces. It's just one big list, which makes it rather unfriendly to read. So the first helpful tip I'll give is that you can go into post you've made (that hasn't been locked) and click the 'EDIT' button. Then you can go through and move everything to how you'd like it to be. I do this with pretty much every post I make, mainly because I'm a perfectionist. So it's a good habit to get into. In the same train of thought, there are also not many spaces between sentences. Rule of thumb grammatically is to have two space after the end of a sentence to distinguish it as a new sentence.
A lot of the story is written in a very repeating style. ( Jake did this. Jake did that. Jake wondered this. ) This is common for those starting out, and is a good basis in getting started. My advice for this would be to do a bit of reading of the Star Wars novels out there. The more you read how other writers and authors construct their stories, the better you will get when you try to emulate their style. Copying someone else is the best way (in my opinion) to get started, until you start to blend in parts of your own personality and thoughts into the style, and construct one of your own. This does take time. A favorite recommendation of mine would be the Darth Bane Trilogy - which you can listen to for free on Youtube here, here, and here.
Story
The story you've put together here seems to progress at different intervals. It does give emphasis on his parents reactions to his birth and what path each of them took. However from then on it is completely focused on training from his father. It mentions nothing about his personality, preferences, friends, enemies, loves. Doesn't mentioning schooling, hobbies, adventures, or anything else that went on in his life. For the five years of training (which is the bulk of the second half of the history) it's very limiting on what he's been up to. My advice would be to ask yourself several questions about his youth, and how he grew up.
Questions like:
Why did he want to learn how to fight?
Did he ever use these skills?
Did he get a career path picked out?
How did he fare in school?
Did his Dad teach him anything besides fighting?
Another thing to add is that since he was on Coruscant most of his life - is that the Jedi are very very famous. They had a temple on that planet that was home to the Jedi Order. Force sensitive people (especially on Coruscant) could easily approach the temple and get training there. Was there a reason he didn't? Was there a reason his Father didn't suggest that? All these things could add more depth to Jake's personal history.
These are just suggestions though. Wanted to give you some food for thought - and I hope you take these ideas and run with them. Make Jake your own, and really invest in him. I hope you have a great time, and don't hesitate to ask questions - we're all happy to help! Also if you're looking for examples of other character sheets - in my signature you'll see a link to my characters, which you can take a look at. I'm not the best, but I've been around for a while and maybe they'll be of some help.
May the Force be with You.
[member="Jake Jace"]
Jake Jace
Active Member
I honestly do know where most of my flaws are in my writing and I don't know if they will ever go away
Jake Jace
Active Member
But thank you for the feedback
B E A C O N
Possibly because the Sith have controlled the planet for the better part of a decade.Evad said:
B E A C O N
[member="Jake Jace"]
You're doing good, improvements come even when you aren't trying to improve - just join public threads until you've become comfortable moving on by yourself. You'll quickly notice that simply writing every so often will bring up your own abilities in writing.
You're doing good, improvements come even when you aren't trying to improve - just join public threads until you've become comfortable moving on by yourself. You'll quickly notice that simply writing every so often will bring up your own abilities in writing.
Jake Jace
Active Member
Oh I'm fine I'm not nervous or anything and I have always accepted my flaws when I writeb because I know it's never going to be perfect