Private Endurance

[Asmundr Varobalder]

PROSPERITY //HALLS OF HEALING // HEALING CRYSTAL ROOM
Takui

It searched for him still, stretching and acknowledging him of patterns he should and should not be aware of all at once. Lattices interconnecting with a clarity he’d never seen before Korriban. Before unity with The Force. He was a mountain in the empyrean now, warden over a valley of intersections. With eyes searching through lineages otherwise unseen, Asmundr’s connection to those he’d been so intimate within his state of Oneness didn’t wane the way he’d hoped it would. Or rather, the way he was used to. They still clung to him, faintly omnipresent in his psyche.

Where he was used to seeing nodes of existence on an interstellar plane, they now had individuality to them. And individuals felt pain. Therefore, Asmundr felt the residual impacts of their pain –– nothing more than a distant itch, but noticeable enough.

Prosperity had found itself navigating over the recently secured Zardossa Stix. Medical personnel assisting with the exchange of the Jedi Padawan who was mending quite well by their basic standards. Aboard the incredible NJO starship though, the standards were much higher. There were infinitely more spiritual items at their disposal to use for the betterment of their wounded. As such, Padawan Takui was transferred to the Healing Crystal Room for the final portion of his restorative therapy.

It was a beautiful room, Asmundr observed from his place in the doorway. He was obscured by the shadows, just out of reach from the flickering light of the palm-sized healing stones. They were roughly cut, jagged and each one of the five unique in the way they fractured the light that radiated from their core. Gentle thrums and pulses of light contained in glassy cages. The space was ambient and warm, as if several candles were spread out before the youth rather than crystals. Every time Asmundr found himself here, he found himself blissfully awed.

As he entered the room, his thunderous voice boomed out an observation:

“You did well protecting the Citadel on Byss, young one."

Was it alarming that he knew that? Perhaps, but it was fact –– and thus he'd state it.

"How are you feeling?”

 

[Takui]

The hours after his surgery bled together. Takui remembered very little that came after the blinding pain, and less after the sedatives. Those hours turned to days quickly. He sat reclined against one of the walls, which he was strictly told not to stray far from. The glass that contained the jagged, beautiful crystals felt warm to the touch.

It felt like pressing his back against a fire that did not burn. Instead, it soothed like menthol and radiated outward through his body. If he tried to describe the sensation in words, Taku recalled the sensation of immolation. It felt like cleansing heat swept through his body and burned away the pain.

Of course, he recoiled from it at first.

Molten plasma had seared and ravaged the inside of his body. With that still fresh in his mind, anything remotely like flame made his stomach turn. This method of healing struck him as ironic. He shuddered whenever he thought about it.

Luckily, before he went too deep down that hole a powerful, awe-inspiring voice ripped his attention back to reality. He remembered this man, if not by face then by how he felt.

"...Korriban," he murmured, then blinked. "You were there, at Korriban. At the center of everything, I think. Like the sun, and all the Jedi were like planets."

He froze. That sounded stupid. Taku shook his head. "Sorry, they have me on some pretty strong meds. Please don't mind me if I say anything dumb."

Taku kept his eyes on the ground as he considered the question. How was he? A Master was here to ask him about how he was? He felt supremely unworthy of this honor. After he had an answer, he looked up to Asmundr and managed a smile.

"Thank you, Master," he said, "I am lucky to be alive. I heard Knight Karis was responsible for saving my life." Taku had to thank the Sword when he saw him again. "But, I am recovering well."

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

"You were there, at Korriban. At the center of everything, I think. Like the sun, and all the Jedi were like planets."

"Yes." An easy smile forced its way forward to his lips, and he nodded once. He'd never thought of it like that before, it was a strangely beautiful and poetic picture to paint.

"That's a very generous explanation" He complimented, dismissing the reticence the Padawan evidenced. The boy quickly navigated to the next subject though, not even fully comprehending his own preservation.

"He did." Asmundr nodded. He'd seen the interaction from an unfathomable distance and closeness all at once. He'd felt the waning glow of the Padawan, and the desperate knitting of the healing energy from the Knight to pull Takui from the grasp of the void. It felt like Korriban all over again, not to the same magnitude –– that was unparalleled –– but watching as others struggled to assist one another. This was his curse. "You saved several lives as well, at least you have the benefit of being able to thank the Jedi that saved yours."

He closed his eyes, stepping further into the glowing room.

"Healing is a process that takes time and patience. You're wise to take this time seriously, but I assume you're anxious to be well enough for...." He let the unfinished sentence swell in the silence between them, opening eyes and settling that amber gaze on the Padawan "...for what? What do you see yourself doing once remedied?"

 

[Takui]

He glanced curiously up at the anomalous man before him, faintly aware of the ethereal energies between them. It was deep, vast, and if he contemplated it, seemed insurmountable. Taku did not try. Instead, he tilted his head with curiosity at the things he could understand.

If he radiated pain, then Master Varobalder pulsed with many different things. He was a brilliant light that could lead a man home in the darkest night, or most violent storm. It was the first time since Korriban he could truly recognize the things he sensed.

Whether he admitted it or not, Taku was growing.

He touched the area where he'd been pierced absently when the Master spoke. It never really occurred to him that his contribution might have saved lives. Then again, he wouldn't have known if he had. He spent the hours that followed in critical condition.

"...you're right," he admitted. "Well, I have to believe you are. I just felt like I was doing my job, honestly. I didn't even think I was doing it well." Taku gave a quiet laugh, but stopped just as quickly when the faintest of pains tore through him.

"Honestly?" he said after Asmundr asked. "I heard back on Commenor that there were all kinds of Jedi who could do amazing and important things, but it didn't seem real to me at the time. I didn't think I'd make it this far."

He owed it to the man to be as honest as he could. There was a strange... something. It was like a connection, but different than simply existing in the same field of energy. Asmundr didn't just exist in the flow of the Force with him, and it wasn't just ripples that crashed into him.

Taku blinked.

"I guess... fighting?" he asked, more to himself. "I'm not really any good at it, but I want to do whatever I can. I don't have much talent for the Force."

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

The crystals flared in brilliance when the pain trilled through Takui's core. Asmundr watched them casually –– short bouts of pain didn't affect him, gratefully. It had only been Takui's desperate nearness to death that had alerted his senses.

"Importance varies on perspective." The Viking offered, though he was grateful the Padawan wasn't as self-deprecating as so many seemed to be these days. Younglings a-plenty aboard Prosperity were constantly comparing amongst themselves, which devalued all their individual worth.

"I guess... fighting?"
"I'm not really any good at it, but I want to do whatever I can. I don't have much talent for the Force."

"No talent with fighting, no talent with The Force." Asmundy summarized, a deep chuckle resounding in the back of his throat. He shook his head.

"You sound like me." He amended, and a distant look crossed over his features. "

So I found other ways, and let The Force guide me to what I needed to be, rather than trying to fit myself into a space I believed I needed to be."

He paused, unsure of where he wanted to go with that thought, and shifted the direction of the conversation slightly: "You were easier to connect with than others on Korriban, you know. And everything that's happened to you since has a deeper resonance than most. Can you feel it?

Can you feel me?"

 

[Takui]

There was a great deal of truth in what the Master said. Value varied between individuals. That was a foundational principle of markets, a basic lesson his father drilled into him as a boy. To sell something to someone, you have to learn what they like. Once you find out what's important to them, you can lead them anywhere you want them to go.

Only, what the Jedi spoke of now had less extrinsic value than that. It wasn't a commodity to be bought or sold. He knew nothing of how to approach it.

It surprised him when Asmundr mentioned that he, too, struggled with his place as a Jedi once. For Taku, it was a relief. He often thought about how every other Padawan was years ahead in training, and how he might never catch up; but, people kept drilling the point home. Everyone moves at a different pace.

Then, he asked the question Taku was afraid of asking himself.

The Force was an ocean, and he was simply floating in it. In some places, it was placid, smooth, still. Other places were turbulent, wild, a maelstrom of chaotic emotions and events. Where he was stranded, Master Varobalder was a sturdy mountain. Waves crashed against him and went nowhere. Time eroded all things, but his presence remained, stoic.

Yes, he could feel him.

"...yeah," he answered with a quiet nod. "I can feel you. Ever since I watched that Knight die on Deneba, I've been able to feel everything, even when I don't want to."

It was something he kept quiet, even among the people he trusted. With the resonance of the crystals, everything shifted paradigm. He felt their warmth oscillating, and everything else bathed in the radiance. It blunted his senses to all of it. He felt oddly at peace, while also suffering.

But then, what was life if not a series of contradictions?

"What do you mean when you say "easier to connect with?" he asked. "I understand how to feel others, and I can sense things like mental state, motive, animosity... somehow I just understand those things. It feels instinctive."

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

"I can feel you. Ever since I watched that Knight die on Deneba, I've been able to feel everything, even when I don't want to."

Asmundr nodded knowingly as if he'd expected that sort of response from the youth. It was like the after-effects of Korriban. He still felt them all. In different magnitudes, but their lingering impression remained with the impressively massed Master. "What's the magnitude of everything? Are there signals you feel that are stronger than others?"

"What do you mean when you say "easier to connect with?"
"I understand how to feel others, and I can sense things like mental state, motive, animosity... somehow I just understand those things. It feels instinctive."

For a moment, Asmundr fell silent. He had an understanding of Takui's unique disposition, he'd felt it, but the ability to answer helpfully was temporarily lost. It had been so long since he'd done anything moderately instructive, that he took a few seconds to figure out how to best speak to the nascent empath in an instructive manner. The boy had felt pain when he laughed, but perhaps his mobility was fine.

"Walk with me through the healing halls, son." The viking offered, finding remedy at the idea that the halls themselves wouldn't allow harm to come to the Padawan. Prosperity was a generous ship, and amidst the purity of the halls, random vines and foliage twisted about, stretching for the light.

"Like this," he gestured after they'd walked by enough of the vines in amiable silence "See how these leaves here stretch toward the light for nourishment? You feel like this. You're extending yourself out to others constantly –– in comparison, your brethren and are more complacent to receive.

It's not just to me, you see. You're feeling how others operate because a part of you is always searching. It's an empathetic approach to the world, which can give you incredible understanding and perspective in scenarios. So much so, that you may not have to fight."

 

[Takui]

Taku nodded again.

It was solemn when he heard it aloud, and even more foreign. At least when it was all in his head, it almost seemed to make sense. Now, that familiarity was gone. He realized that as innate as it was, it also wasn't.

Just like he felt on Byss in the moments before he was impaled, Taku felt disconnected from himself. The world around him seeped in unchecked. Asmundr burned bright, just a different color from the healing crystals.

Silently, he followed the Master as they traveled through the halls. When he said Taku was like the Light, he flushed. That was too great of a complement for him to begin to form words. Instead, he focused on the words themselves.

Constantly extending himself outward to others? So, he was like a battery generating power? Or was he overthinking the metaphor? "Empathy," he repeated. "So, it's not just inherent to anyone who uses the Force? People don't usually get overloaded like... this?" he asked.

It sounded more like a curse than a blessing, even if Master Varobalder happened to sell it in better words than he did.

"...though I have to admit, not fighting sounds preferable," he added. "The ideal would be a peaceful solution under any circumstances. We just prepare for the contingency." His mind drifted over those who took to the front. He wasn't sure he'd met anyone other than the man in front of him who wasn't a martial contender.

"...that means we probably train people to try to resolve things without violence first? Wouldn't we just leave that to politicians?"

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

The great Viking was pleased the youth was able to walk alongside him, granted he had to adjust his pace to accommodate the gingerness of the boy's footfalls.

"Empathy,"
"So, it's not just inherent to anyone who uses the Force? People don't usually get overloaded like... this?"

"Most feel some level of connection to living things, such is inherent with the way The Force exists and operates." Asmundr nodded, reaching out to cup one of the leaves in his massive palm. The contrast was stark. "Jedi who are more empathetic don't just feel they understand.

In the context of Korriban, you had an innate understanding of the purpose of the meld. While the majority of Jedi accepted it one way or another, you supported it and made the extension easier just by comprehending the complexity of the network...It's nascent within you, but as you grow, this understanding can grow into deep knowledge."

"...that means we probably train people to try to resolve things without violence first? Wouldn't we just leave that to politicians?"

Takui's considerations prompted an appreciative chuckle from the giant, who clasped his hands behind his back with a shrug.

"When knowledge is applied," he continued from his earlier sentiment "It becomes wisdom.

You can't always expect politicians to have wisdom nor the selflessness required to avoid fighting. Jedi and conflict exist independent of politicians –– and in many instances, much that results in contention on the battlefield is a result of Political indiscretion.

Strong empathy is the foundation of realizing and respecting another's motivations. It's rare that anyone enters the battlefield without a motivation or a purpose –– and typically, as opposing as our sides are, between Sith and Jedi, some sensibleness can likely be exploited within a common ground. It's not easy, it's not instant....and it is as gruelling and wearisome as if you do engage in a duel, but you can utilize this empathy to your benefit. It's the ultimate approach to Form 0."

 

[Takui]

The Master's words struck him. Takui had always felt like though he didn't understand things, he could comprehend them. It was easy to glean the whole picture when the parts made perfect sense. The meld on Korriban was the penultimate example of that. Though he was virtually clueless about how to enter it, his entire being readily accepted it without conflict. There was a sense of belonging that transcended any of the youth's inherent anxieties.

He found himself staring at a hand, open palm.

Taku limped alongside the much larger man, shaking his head. "I'd be lying if I said that I see," he said, "but somehow, I do understand."

When they stopped, he placed his hand on one of the walls and felt the heat ripple through him again. This time, he opened his mind up to it and could perceive the flames at the heart of the crystal. He frowned.

"If we can't trust politicians to act in the best interests of all, why do we?" he asked. "I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think the Jedi should either..."

He stopped himself when he realized how that had sounded. "I, uh, chit, that sounded bad. I didn't mean it like that."

How had he meant it? They opposed the Sith because they sought to have power for its own sake and sowed corruption wherever it would take root. Politicians were little different. At their core, many took on the career simply because of their avarice and aspirations. Very few ever did it for humanitarian reasons.

He found himself lost in that confusion for a moment before he found clarity elsewhere. Asmundr spoke about Empathy again, and the battlefield. Conflict was often born out of politics. The pieces came together in his thoughts.

The Politicians were the first chance at freedom. The Jedi were the last line of defense. Everything in between still had a long shadow cast over it, but the light at the end of the dark tunnel was now visible. He could feel a logical conclusion.

"Form Zero?"

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

The Warden was silent while Takui considered the flow of his questions relative to where the answers were. Curiosity and knowledge met one another eventually, creating bridges over the gaps of the unknown and the Padawan's indiscriminate incertitude seemed to abate. Or so Asmundr felt.

"Sometimes hope has to operate in lieu of trust." He offered in reference to politicians and their operations. Withdrawing his hand from gently cupping the foliage, he idly scratched at the tightly coiled curls of his beard. No itch existed, but it seemed an appropriate gesture to make in the wake of a pensive exchange.

"Form Zero?"

Dismay was concealed from his countenance, and stoicism prevailed. It was a shame this wasn't taught more readily to the youth of The Order –– but these were trying times. Form Zero was difficult to discuss, let alone actualize in the heat of war.

"An ethical principle." Asmundr began, giving a slow nod as if welcoming the concept into the space shared with the Padawan. His hands lifted, and his middle and pointer fingers of both hands crunched together for air quotes: "The premiere Lightsaber form, ironically, a concept that employs Jedi to use their lightsabers as a last resort.

To put other techniques, such as empathy, forward first in a contentious engagement. There are often several solutions to a problem, and Form Zero suggests you explore all the options before unsheathing your blade.

Excellent in theory, difficult in application. Take for example your time on Korriban, or Byss, tell me about it. What did you do before you drew your saber?"

 

[Takui]

Hope was a recurring theme, he found. Hope was a warm light in the darkness. There had been times that Taku lost sight of it. There were times when he couldn't find it again. Now, the Master spoke about hope relative to politicians and Taku found himself staring down a foreign concept.

Maybe that was all part of being a Jedi- learning to accept even the things you couldn't relate to. Embracing certain degrees of futility seemed almost consistent in the short walk he'd had on the path. Even the act that brought him to this room had been one of acceptance.

"I apologize Master, I've only been training as a Jedi for a little under half a year now," he admitted. "There is a great deal I still don't know, and I only had a few lessons before I left Kashyyyk."

He bowed his head slightly in deferrence, in lieu if a more painful waist deep genuflection. "...I prefer the idea of a peaceful solution," he said outright. "My very first lesson was one of combat, and my trainer tossed me a lightsaber and told me to defend myself." He chuckled nervously. He didn't want to throw Okkeus under the speeder. "These are trying times, so I get why he did what he did. I guess it just left me to fill in some gaps myself."

That segued immediately into a question he found embarrassing and enlightening in equal measure. "On Korriban, I shot strange dogs... Tuk'ata?" he answered contemplatively. "Because they kept attacking my team. I felt like I was protecting them, but on Byss..." he was ashamed to admit it, but the words came anyway. "...I watched a Sith cleave the head from one of the soldier's in the team I was assigned to. I drew my weapon without hesitation. I... it reminded me of something horrible."

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

Under a year, and appeared on Korriban? The man's brows rose in surprise, levelling his expression out to something that looked admirative.

Asmundr bellowed a resounding chuckle and inclined his head knowingly in the youth's direction, quirking both brows simultaneously. There was affection to his understanding of this situation. His original tenure within The Republic of yore had drawn him rather close to Grandmaster Grayson, a woman who's teachings bordered on sadistic. "Yes, well, we can't always choose our teachers –– we can only choose our interpretation of their lessons."

Silence took over him when the PAdawan imparted his experience, and he only nodded to evidence he was listening along to the tale, especially so when he sought validation for his guess of Tuk'ata. "Tuk'ata are difficult to reason with. I spoke with a student who attempted to, they're creatures born of darkness. Sentience and non-sentience is difficult to reason with, and even trying is worth a nod of approval."

His tone dipped in shades of solemninity. "Observation can be as painful as it is necessary," Asmundr admitted, closing his eyes for a moment when Takui admitted his watchfulness over Sith and their wretched display of bloodlust. He drew a deep breath in, held it, and let it out before continuing.

Before offering any sort of insight, he sought clarification –– only in hopes of expanding the source of the dread. The story itself was familiar.

"Your actions reminded you of something horrible, or watching the soldier's decapitation drew on those unpleasant memories?"

 

[Takui]

He stopped for a long moment after the Master's words struck him. Since Deneba, he had tried his hardest to hold back thoughts about what he saw. Nightmares still plagued him of the Jedi Knight gunned down before his very eyes. He remembered not the sight of it, but the horrific feelings of futility, of horror, and of a life fleeing the body. Those feelings still crawled beneath his skin, festering.

Takui no longer matched Asmundr's gaze as the feelings coarsed through him and poisoned his thoughts. There was no hiding from it now. He spoke with Aveline about it, but not at length. They both agreed that what they witnessed left a scar, but that was as deep as their introspection went.

"When I was still training on Kashyyyk, a Jedi Knight began the beginnings of my instruction in sensing the Force." There was pain, sadness. Takui could not contain it. He neither knew how, nor could he conceive of even making an attempt. The admission hollowed him out. "In the middle of the lesson, as I began to feel the world around me, as I was starting to grasp how to control it, slave soldiers stormed into the area. The Knight was gunned down in front of me. More than I saw it, though... I felt it."

Taku sighed heavily, but his body was shaking. As relieved as he felt to let it out, he was still afraid. Death was the one thing he still had not reconciled.

Asmundr Varobalder

 

[Asmundr Varobalder]

Emotions began to gather around the youth, thickening in the space around him. They were not harmful at first, though they could be if allowed to fester. Asmundr kept silent, as if his voiceless presence would be soothing enough for the boy's vulnerabilities.

It seemed to work.

"In the middle of the lesson, as I began to feel the world around me, as I was starting to grasp how to control it, slave soldiers stormed into the area. The Knight was gunned down in front of me. More than I saw it, though... I felt it."

The story was traumatizing. Elements of horror were baked in, and he tried to empathize. A Padawan, preparing for their first lesson –– excitement, enthusiasm, curiosity –– meeting a new master –– hopefulness, encouragement, attachment, honour –– an intrusive attack –– helplessness, horror, fear.

All emotions that were human and necessary for them to remain aware, but dangerous if left unreviewed. He'd made those mistakes in his youth; turning to run from fear rather than face it. It was curious, the way Takui spoke about his would-be trainer. Only alluding to them as The Knight. Were they nameless in death? As if their memory might make the reality of the situation less real?

A large mitt fell upon Takui's shoulder, applying a gentle amount of steadying pressure to abate the boy's tremble.

"You who. What was their name?" He spoke out, treading carefully into the world of memories. "How did it make you feel?"

He paused, giving space for a response before including some level of information; "It's expected to feel others within The Force, especially as empathetic as you are. That's the foundation of everything, in the end. The Force and the role we have within it. That role never truly disappears, Takui. Nobody ever truly dies or disappears – From the Force we begin, and that's how we return. Depending on your connection, you can always have some connection continued to those, even when they're gone from our physical space."

Drawing in a steadying breath, he slowed his movements to encourage Takui to follow. "All around us, in this room, these plants, you and I, we can feel life. But we're not the only ones to have walked these halls, thee flowers not the only ones who have budded. If you concentrate, meditate enough, you can feel the shadows of the past."