Down time (Yuroic/Josh)

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic decided it would be a good time between stages to hangout with the Master of the Order, Josh. He felt slightly lost with his memories fully restored and while he had Jairdain and Asaraa helping him, he missed out on meeting his other friends to discuss and apologise for his behaviour. Allyson was away alot at the moment as was Jyoti.

He also needed to thank Josh, the more experienced man took over his role as Asaraa's Master and guided her to the rank of Knight. It was something that Yuroic wanted and should have done but he had let his self-pity drag him down and away from others. For taking her on, he was grateful.

Yuroic reached out to the Master of the Order, sending a message to invite him for a drink or two. A getting to know you meeting and hang out for awhile. It would be nice to know more about the rumoured brilliant Battle Master and apologise for scaring his young son many moons ago.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Yuroic during his period of unrest had caused chaos throughout the Order, but Josh had not forgotten Yuroic's scaring Jason during his tantrum at the zoo. Something that ended up leading to Scherezade blowing up a porg, and causing even more unrest. While Jyoti blamed Scherezade, and likely Josh for bringing her... Neither he nor Scherezade had been prepared for a situation this stressful with Jason around, one that Yuroic caused where it shouldn't have been. But it was what it was. It was in the past now, and Yuroic had seemingly gotten over his issues, as Asaraa had informed him. This came as a result of him wiping his own memory, something that Josh disapproved of due to his own experiences in that field, but whatever he'd done with it, it had worked apparently when he did regain his memory.

Despite that, he was surprised when Yuroic would reach out to him. He had requested to go out for drinks, and while Josh was confused and even a bit suspicious, he knew that it was the best thing to oblige. If Yuroic wanted to reach out to people, it was either because he was remorseful, wanted to take a new lease on life with his memories intact... Or something was wrong and he needed his help. Either reason, Josh would do his best to support him in to the best of his abilities.

There were few in the eatery at the Rest at the moment, as it was a little later in the day. So it was quieter when Josh would find his way there to join Yuroic. He had considered bringing Jason, but he didn't think he was ready to trust Yuroic with Jason just yet. When he approached, he gave the Knight a gentle bow.

"It's good to see you well again, Yuroic."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic waited patiently for Josh to arrive. When he heard the man enter, Yuroic turned in his chair and gave a friendly smile. Noticing the bow, Yuroic returned the gesture as he found the boa curious. It seemed formal, perhaps it would take time for them to be less formal around one. Yuroic gestured to a chair near his own. "It was kind of you to join me Josh, I think there is a great deal I owe you as thanks but also to apologise for."

Ordering them both a drink. "First, I wanted to let you know that the reason I invited you here is so that we can get to know one another better. I am grateful that took over Asaraa's training. She means a lot to me and I will forever feel guilty that I let her down." Yuroic could not accept that he was not there for her when she needed him.

"I am also deeply sorry that I terrified Jason, my head was not in the right place." Yuroic had done a lot of bad in few times and that was his starting point. "For now, I would like to start over. I hope we can become friends." He raised a glass to the fellow Jedi.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Yuroic had seen him be far less serious and formal, but he had been that way with select people in the vicinity. Scherezade DeWinter, Riamah, Jyoti Nooran, Charlie, Allyson Locke. People he knew, people he was comfortable with. But it wouldn't be long before he would take a more casual tone, though the full extent would take a bit considering his caution over not knowing what kind of Yuroic he was dealing with right now.

Josh would nod his head as Yuroic would motion toward a chair, before taking a seat himself. He would give another, grateful nod when the drinks arrived as he let Yuroic explain himself. He was apologetic, apparently. He talked about Asaraa first, and how he felt he had let her down. And that he was grateful he'd taken over her training.

"I'm the Battlemaster, ensuring someone like her gets to where she needs to be is my job" Josh would reaffirm, with a small smile. "She's a bright student, and would have found her way eventually. I just did my job in ensuring that went a little more smoothly. Don't worry about it."

He nodded again when Yuroic would apologize for scaring Jason. And cited he wanted to start over. Chuckling lightly, he raised his glass.

"I can drink to that" He spoke. "But just one drink. After that, I'm probably ordering water or something more flavored. Alcohol's only given me trouble" Josh would admit cheekily. Everyone made mistakes. Josh included. Alcohol was just an enabler that he needed to be rid of in order to lessen those mistakes.

"Jason will be fine, but he'll need time. He's young, he'll forget eventually... But as I'm sure you'd rather not wait, know that Madalena did the same in the past and is on good terms with him now. Just... Give him a reason not to fear you, I suppose. He's a timid child, but a warm one once you give him reason to warm up" Josh would reassure him. "But I'm kind of curious, if you'll indulge me... What happened? Like, in general. I've only heard rumors, secondhand accounts. But I feel I really do know nothing about all of this."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic listened he had become a much better listener and understood more sub-text than he had before. His social skills were always his weakest points and perhaps always would be but he couldn't help that. It was part of his upbringing, it was an ability one learnt young and that window had gone. At least, he thkught it had but he was training his mind to learn this, like learning a new language, a skill that Yuroic was very good at. "Aye, Asa is a smart girl. However, it may have been your duty but only because I failed in mine. I allowed my baggage to consume me, stop me living the life I should have. I failed Arisa by not following her teachings, but finding my parents, seeing who they were. It was too much for me to cope with alone."

"I remember Zeltros, even the moments I was high. I also read the reports afterwards. I can figure out some more private things as well. I'm guessing Scherezade was Madelena before she did a more thorough mindwipe than I. If or when she remembers her real past, allow me to talk to her, I have experience in coming to terms with what you have done and accepting the bad as well as the good memories." It was an offer that could be rejected or accepted, Yuroic would understand either option. "I'm glad, well I can always bake him a cake or his favourite dessert. Cooking a secret talent of mine. It's not all survival and combat with me!" He smirked with a small chuckle.

Then came the hard question. What caused this? Why did he end up on the path he had taken. "It started months before my return, back when Asaraa was a Togruta and not a human." Yuroic used that as a point to age when it started. "I was alone, on a patrol and found a slaver's ship. I boarded the ship to discover two slavers aboard. One male, one female. As soon as I saw their faces I knew it. My gut was clenched and my heart dropped to the floor. My parents were slavers, they were cruel slavers as well, they had murdered the slaves they caught to prevent me freeing them.

I confronted them and they knew as quickly as I did that I was theirs. However, they tried to get me to join them. To leave the Order behind, or at least let them go. That they didn't want to leave me on Nar Shaddaa but were on the run and had no choice. I admit, part of me wanted to believe them, to hope I could make them good people but then the dead slaves, their faces stuck in my mind. I told them that they murdered innocent people that they had to face their punishment. That's when they turned, showing their true colours. Stated the slaves were nothing more than cattle, worthless to get worked up about. That if I was going to champion the slaves then they were glad that they abandoned me, leaving their dead weight behind.

I cracked, an animal took over me. I murdered them, brutally. I made them suffer, tortured them. Tormented them and made them beg for death. I did it for days, not just hours or minutes. Days. I'd heal their wounds and start over again and again. Thinking on it, I feel sickened by it all. But I wasn't in control, there was a monster inside me, something primal, something dark that I unleashed." Yuroic paused and drank some of his drink heavily before continuing.

"I ran from the Order once I regained control, scared of what I had become, what I had done. I lived alone for months, trying to lock the monster away once more. When I thought I had better control of it. I returned here, discovering how different things had become. It was jarring but I knew that I couldn't teach Asaraa, not when I couldn't control the monster, I was scared I would hurt her or worse, lead her down a Dark path. So I left her with you, I knew you two had become close and that you were far more capable than me in teaching the Light Side.

I struggled with this monster till Zeltros and that cursed drug. I felt like me, old me before my parents, the monster had faded and so had the horrors of my parents. I could just embrace the good and live in bliss. Sadly, I quickly became addicted and developed a tolerance to the drug, I needed more and more as well as needing it more often. It became so bad that I couldn't fully control my Force powers and you saw what happened with that.

Allyson and Arisa confronted after the zoo, Allyson confiscating my drugs and Asaraa trying to pin me down to talk to me. I..." Another pause, this was harder to say than killing his larents, Asaraa meant the world to him and Allyson had become his close friend. "I attacked them, intending to kill them. The monster had been released fully once more. Luckily they overpowered me, called me back from within. However, I was left horrified, I couldn't stop the craving, no detox or Force Detoxifying could remove the need for the drug, it was mental not physical.

I sort out Jairdain, after the Sith took over Commenor. She had previously offered to wipe my mind and I begged her to do it then and there, ignoring the suffering she had been through and the pain it would put her through. Another great sin of mine. After that, I am sure you know the rest." Yuroic ended, allowing Josh to absorb and comprehend all he said.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He smiled lightly then, nodding his head. "I'm sure he'd like that. He has a sweet tooth, he'd adore it" Josh would admit. Jason was a little glutton, though he supposed if one was going to eat in excess, it might as well be when one is young and with a metabolism that would be able to process said food much faster. Though he couldn't help but laugh when he thought of Yuroic actually baking. It was an amusing thought. Something he had to see at some point. "I would say it must be a surprise to some people that it's the same for me, 6'5 and, according to a Padawan that approached me last week, apparently looking like a human tank... Being able to cook and bake and all that. But when you're a single father, you learn to do these things. Especially when your son has a sweet tooth and you spoil him rotten" Josh remarked with a much more jolly laugh at that.

Then it came time for Yuroic to explain things. He didn't say anything throughout, just... Processing it all. It was a lot to go over, and likely not something he'd entirely process right away. Finding out his parents were cruel slavers... He could imagine now just why what had happened had happened. He understood his plight far more now. With that, he took a deep breath.

"I can't say I blame you. Especially when I wasn't in a very good place at the time of Zeltros either... And am still processing my own issues, in my own way" Josh would admit softly. "My late wife, Shmi... She disappeared one day, left without a trace. I had thought she had abandoned us... Abandoned Jason" He spoke as he closed his eyes, letting out slow breaths as he did his best to steady himself. He knew this topic was difficult, but knowing that someone else wasn't all in the right mind either around the same time... Maybe it would give Yuroic some solace in knowing that nobody was infallible. That he wasn't such a failure for what had happened. That anyone could end up that way.

And he had an admittance of his own.

"I struggled with that, along with losing my brother after sacrificing so much to get him back... I struggled with much more along with it, sure, from mounting pressures and expectations of my position, to losing Arisa, to Jason's issues that came with moving to Kashyyyk and being without his mother... But it was that loneliness, that distress in knowing that what had to me been a perfect life was gone, and gone forever. Thinking she had abandoned us. I thought I had failed as a husband... Failed as a father... I couldn't live with myself, and the more I tried to push it down, the more I tried to push it away... The more it ate at me, the more it turned me into someone that I don't like looking back on. And finding out she died... That she had left to pursue a mission she knew she would die in... And I couldn't be there for her..."

He let out a sigh. "I... Still feel like I failed. What kind of partner am I? To let the woman that I promised the rest of my life to, to let her die? This reality that I failed to protect her, to be the husband that I should have been... And the fact that the one dream I ever had... The one thing I ever wanted... Just being able to wake up in the morning every day at home, with Shmi on one side, and Jason on the other... That's gone. That's gone forever. And I have to live with that. I have to live with the fact that I don't get anymore of those mornings, they're gone. They're never coming back. And Jason misses his mommy. I feel horrible leaving for missions because I know he's not going to do well. I know he's going to have night terrors and scream and cry and while the nannies at the Rest do their best, he needs myself or his mother... And I can't be there. He should have someone he trusts there, but he doesn't, and it kills me. I've tried to establish a comm so they can call me to sing him to sleep, but..."

Josh took a deep breath. "Sorry, getting off track. The fact is... I wasn't in a good place at Zeltros. I tried not have it impede my work, but in a way it was why I attached myself to Scherezade. Sure, it worked out for the best for her, but... Seeing someone suffer over a lover, I couldn't help but want to help her. Sure, it earned me some ridicule, people thinking I was thinking with my lower rights... But I attached myself to her because I hung so desperately to the idea of a happy ending in all this that I wanted to see her attain hers. She ended up causing me to hit my rock bottom, with what she brought out of me, and I floundered for some time. I stopped thinking the way a Master should... And started acting rashly. Started acting impulsively. But... In the end, I found people around me that supported me. That were there to help me. Just as they did for you.

But the truth is, before that.. Back at Zeltros... After meeting Scherezade, who is now Madalena, yes... I hit my absolute low. And in the heat of it all..."

He fished out a tiny bottle and held it up, making sure nobody else was nearby before speaking.

"... I stole this before we left Zeltros."

It was clear what was in that bottle. Likely the last bits of what they had confiscated of the spice from that fateful night.

"I've been meaning to dispose of it since I started to come to my senses, but... For one reason or another, I've kept this on me. A little voice in my head kept telling me that if I continued to sink... Maybe... Just maybe I would be able to live that dream one more time. But then I saw you, and what it had done to you... How much you desired for more of it, and it scared me from ever taking it, yet it didn't stop me from not disposing of it. It was shameful of me, but... Just having it gave me a little bit of solace. Just having it told me that if I ever needed it, I could take it. Just once, even if I knew deep down what it would do, that I would become addicted and desire more, it gave me some small solace..."

He smiled then. A genuine smile.

"Seeing how much you've gone through to overcome those addictions and your issues though... I think I finally realize..."

He took a deep breath then, as if hearing Yuroic's story had made up his mind on something.

"... I don't need it anymore."

He clenched his hand into a fist, and the bottle shattered. His hand then ignited, the flames engulfing his hand and the spices... Destroying them completely. Leaving nothing left.

"Thank you" He spoke softly. "You've inspired me, believe it or not. We're all a big family... And none of us are infallible. But there are others who've been through things... And overcome things. It's up to us to inspire each other, and bring each other back up when they need it."

"But I do have one question" He would admit. "What happened to bring back your memories? What caused you to just sort of go back to normal, without the issues being as prevalent as they were?"

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic could only sympathise with Josh over the troubles with looking after a child. While he had Padawans in the past, he never had a child of his own, the closest he got was his relationship with Asaraa was one forged in paternal love. Not as sinister as others might have thought at one point or another. He never even thought of children of his own, too busy occupying his time with the Order and training his skills. "I likely won't understand the ordeals of being a single father but I can sympathise with the pain of leaving him behind and such. But in time he'll grow and perhaps become a Jedi himself one day." He could only offer comforting words to Josh.

When Josh pulled out the spice, Yuroic's jaw clenched. It was the first time seeing the drug, any spice, since his memories returned. There was a small part that wanted to snatch the drug and consume it, yet he was pleased it was such a small part of him. Yuroic listened as Josh talked about how he had been tempted to take the drug as well, how he wanted to forget the heartache. However, it was a big relief to see the drug destroyed, burnt in the palm of Josh. Yuroic decided not to mention that Yuroic had become skilled in makkng that particular spice that he would be able to make more if needs be. He wasn't going to make more and was glad to see the drug finally gone.

"I felt so guilty seeing that drug being used by others when I brought my supply. Glad you decided not to take it. Hopefully, with family by your side, you can move past Shmi. As tough as it sounds, it is possible." Yuroic had dealt with Jairdain leaving him and moving on with her life. She had gotten engaged and while it didn't work out, Yuroic wasn't sure they could move forward like she wanted. "If you ever need a drinking buddy, I'm around. Though, I never drink as much as I use to." He chuckled slightly.

Josh asked when his memories returned and how he dealt with it all. "I guess, Jairdain wasn't able to wipe my mind as well as I had planned. She had issues of her own and it was unfair to push her to do such demanding work. For the beginning it was fine, even after talking to Jyoti who seemed very upset that I didn't remember Arisa as being my Master, I was able to live normally. Things kept coming back as nightmares, memories that I thought I never had, feelings to people that in the wipe I didn't know. It was all becoming strange and I started looking people and my history." Yuroic stated before taking a sip.

"Once I could confirm that everything I thought I knew wasn't exactly true. I was able to open my mind and remember all that really happened. It was painful a lot of memories felt fresh and hurt me all over again but I endured. I was able to fight the addiction because the need, the withdrawal was passed. I was able to live as me because I saw my past and realised I could choose to let it dictate me or fight to be me, the man I was before the depression and drugs and the man after the mindwipe." Yuroic then ordered them water as he finished his drink.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

In hindsight, re-introducing Yuroic to this drug wasn't the best idea. But he felt showing him what his actions had inspired others to, perhaps it would help him keep his beliefs if he knew they were doing good to others. That's what he was hoping for anyway. But in the end, he didn't know how Yuroic's mind worked. This might just be one risk he shouldn't have taken. Yuroic would indicate the idea as to Jason becoming a Jedi one day, and he didn't answer. It wasn't really something he was... All the best about, really. Deep down, he knew he didn't want Jason to be a Jedi. He deserved a better childhood than he did. Not training to serve something... He should be living. Josh didn't get to live. But the minute Jason showed Force Sensitivity... He knew that the expectation from the Order would be that Jason would be trained, especially considering Josh's position. There was nothing he could do, unfortunately.

He smiled lightly when he offered to be a drinking buddy if he needed it. "I appreciate that, but I think my heavy drinking days are over" Josh would admit. "I took to the drink quite often during that period and... It drove me to make some decisions that I'm not proud of. I'm clean, now. A drink or two here and there recreationally won't hurt. But I'm finished getting plastered off it all. It's not for me. There are other ways to forget."

Yuroic would go on to explain that Jairdain wasn't as skilled with memory work as she'd thought. "Tell me about it" He remarked, a bit of bitterness in his voice at the memory as he immediately downed the rest of his drink in one gulp. "No good comes with tampering with memories. Trust me. It always comes back."

It seemed that regaining everything slowly though, was a wake up call that he needed to abandon these addictions. He could respect the effort, at least. Even if he didn't approve of how he got there.

"At least you made it through" He responded. "Question is, where does Yuroic go from here? What's next for you?"

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic shook his head. "You misunderstand, I didn't mean actually drink but just someone to talk to." He hoped he had cleared that up to the Master of the Order. Yuroic wandered why Josh was still intend on forgetting things. Yuroic realised that remembering things even things that were painful was important. It allowed growth and learning. "It might be painful but better to remember the painful with the good than have neither. At least that's what I learned from all this." Yuroic stated as he drank his water slowly.

"Jairdain is skilled in that area and sure if I asked now there be no chance that I would be able to remember without assistance." Yuroic noticed that Jairdain had gained more confidence in her abilities and connsction to the Force. "Have you thought of a plan for when Madelena regains memories of Scherezade." Yuroic studied the man as he sipped his drink slowly.

Josh then asked where Yuroic wanted to go next which was tricky as Yuroic wasn't sure. "I don't think I have an exact plan of where I want to go. I know that I want to become a Master eventually, that I want to continue to work within the Order and grow. That I want to help fight the Sith and First Order but I am not sure how I move forward."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh may have misunderstood, but as did Yuroic. So he would nod his head in response to when he would explain that he meant in a non-drinking matter. "I appreciate it" He spoke. "I also don't mean forget in the way that you're thinking of. Remembering things... Experiencing things, good and bad, they are what shape us. But I was talking along the lines of keeping one's mind off focusing on those sorts of things all the time" He would explain. "We as human beings just tend to let our minds dwell. While they're experiences you shouldn't forget, you can't let them rule you either. Some, like me, tend to have difficulty really keeping it away. Used to be I let the drink take care of that but..." He trailed off, and shot a cheeky grin. "Keeping busy and spending time with Jason. They're things that make me happy, and keep me occupied. The bad things just kinda melt away, especially if I know I'm doing something good."

Yuroic didn't seem to know where to go, it seemed as Josh took a drink and thought it over a moment. But his next question gave him pause. He let out a sigh, honestly, he wasn't sure.

"Dunno" Josh would admit. "She's been very vague with this plan of hers. It wasn't something I supported to start, but it's what she wants and I gotta ride it out. If and when she becomes Scherezade again, I'll just have to try and help her re-adjust back to life as Scherezade. There isn't much else I can do, is there? I can tamper with her memories if something goes terribly wrong and there are major side effects, but I'm hoping I don't have to do that."

That was his revelation then and there that Josh could do what Jair had done. And had done it, at that.

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic nodded his head, accepting his misunderstanding in what Josh meant. He was thinking on more short terms, not to let the memories overwhelm you, distract yourself with the good moments. Moments that deserve your mind's attention. It was a hard skill to learn but one that Yuroic was finding helpful with his many bad memories. Sipping the water slowly, Yuroic looked around the quiet bar, remembering the times he allowed himself to get drunk due to grief or pain. He was glad to not be dependent on that now.

"Well, if you ever need to distract your mind, I can show you how to cook some things. I learnt quite alot of fancy cuisine reading books under Arisa's mentorship. My cooking before that was basic Nar Shaddaa grub, nothing special or good, refugees don't exactly have a lot of ingredients to choose from!" He chuckled as he thought about the food he ate before joining SJO, it was basic, bread or bread-like food to fill your belly and full of calories, nothing too healthy as good produce was sky high in price.

Josh mentioned he was sure the path with Scherezade he wanted to take. "Sadly it is hard to say when she will know or if this is permanent. From what I know, she too had a lot of baggage. Depending on what that is and how her life is at the moment, it is impossible to say whether or not the baggage will return or if she can leave that behind like I did." Yuroic stated, he knew he was lucky that having a good place in his life meant that he was in a good place when the memories returned, however, it could easily driven him further down the pit.

It was not surprising that Josh knew how to wipe memories, from the stories, Josh was an old member of SJO and had extensive background many Force Powers. It was admirable.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"I really didn't cook much beyond basics to feed myself for most of my life" Josh would admit. "I really only started to hit it harder when Jason was born, and then moreso when it was just Jason and I, and I had to care for him. I do enjoy it though, believe it or not. It's something that takes a great deal of focus and dedication, so it feels a lot like the other things I do quite often. It feels so familiar to me, that I never mind it" He spoke, giving a bright smile in turn. "And it's nice that Jason enjoys what I make too. So anything you can help with, I'd quite appreciate."

He nodded his head as Yuroic discussed how things could go with Scherezade. "It's a wait and see kind of thing. She might never regain her memory. There's a chance she might not even want to" He added. "She said to burn all evidence of her prior life if she found a happy one with love, as she is. But I don't know if she's found that happiness or love. She was so vague with the whole thing, that all I can really do is let things play out."

He took a breath. "At least it wasn't me who wiped her memories this time. I don't think I could bear having that on my conscience again."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic listened to Josh explain his enjoyment and take on cooking. It was a differing opinion to his own but a fair one. "I find it relaxing, it pushes me to be in the moment. There's nothing better than not having to think forward or haunted by the past, just in the moment with the food. Cooking and baking, two great ways to distract yourself. If you ever need a hand preparing meals, I'm here to help out." Yuroic stated in a friendly tone.

The issue with Scherezade still lingered with Josh. "From what I know, limited as it is, there was nothing you could have done to stop it. It will work itself out. Might take longer than you want and might be harder than she planned it to be. However, it will work out. Love can be overrated, as long as she has her friends, people she can call family and happiness then a partner isn't as important."

Yuroic wasn't sure where he stood on relationships, he loved Jairdain and enjoyed their time together but he also enjoyed not having a partner and spending time on himself. It was confusing to say the least.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"That's an interesting philosophy, but one I understand too. Doing something you enjoy, being in the moment, that's one of the greatest forms of relaxation" Josh would agree with a gentle smile. Being in the moment, though... While Josh understood that, and felt it when he was training, being in combat, and it was where he was relaxed in a way... He wasn't relaxed during those times in the same way that Yuroic appeared to be. He considered it a moment... Maybe he needed to re-evaluate the things he did himself? Figure out what he liked... And what could be truly relaxing for him.

"Scherezade will figure it out, I know she will" Josh agreed. "Indeed though, there was nothing that I could do. She was going to do this whether I agreed with it or not. And agree with it, I did not... I could only help to make sure she had someone to lean on if she needed it, should things not go the way she imagined."

After a few moments, a question popped up and he couldn't help but ask.

"I hate to potentially sour things with what might be a sensitive topic, so I hope you can bear with me and perhaps indulge me" He would request gingerly, with a light bow of his head. "Something I've been wondering, reading your reports in the time since you've returned to your old self again. The reports claim you still use the dark side on a regular basis, just... Casually. You wield both light and dark, and I can't help but be curious as to why" He would admit. "Is there a reason for it? I figured that you more than most would understand that it just leads to pain."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic stretched out as he listened to Josh, "well, if you find combat relaxing, I don't mind being a sparring partner. I learned Niman from Arisa, it was long process but I do find training deeply relaxing. So a sparring match against the current Blademaster of the Order would be entertaining." Yuroic suggested as he finished his water and ordered another glass of water. Josh mentioned that he knew there was nothing he could do.

"Easier saying there was nothing you could do, than there was accepting it." Yuroic mentioned as he leaned against the bar. Studying Josh closely to see if he had truly accepted that fact or felt somewhat guilty unnecessarily.

The topic turned to Yuroic using Dark Side powers and he had prepared for this line of questioning. It was weird to meet a Jedi using Dark Side powers while not fully committing to Sith or Dark Jedi belief. "Using the Force that way isn't necessarily bad. People use those powers in bad ways but they also use Force Push to kill, Battle Meditation to corrupt the minds of weak minded people." Yuroic thought a bit on the careful way he wanted to phrase things. "Using the so-called Dark Side of the Force, doesn't always lead to pain, it depends on the situation and where you use. I only use Dark Side powers in combat and to aid my combat skills. It adds to a surprise in combat, give me an edge over Sith."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh smiled lightly. "I'd like that" He would respond to Yuroic's offer. Josh listened as Yuroic would talk about why he used the dark side. He had some points, it was true. But Josh knew personally what it would cost. Taking a deep breath and taking a quick drink, he would consider his words carefully.

"You're right, it can be a surprise in combat" Josh would agree. "But... One thing I think you should consider is if it's worth it."

He sighed.

"I don't tell this story often. I don't know what people would think. I don't want you repeating this to Asaraa either, she'll learn herself one day if it becomes necessary. But... Perhaps for you, it can serve as a precautionary tale. When I tried to save my brother years ago, I... Resorted to some means that I'm not proud of. I think it's pretty clear by now that I have skeletons in my closet, one more's no surprise. Taking teacher from the one person I can truly say I hate with every inch of my soul, I sought to learn the dark side in hopes of being able to climb back to the light, as an example to the brother I desperately wanted to save."

He took a long drink, as if it were alcoholic and would make this easier. It wasn't. He almost choked on it and needed a moment to settle down.

"Those powers are easy to use physically. I know that. But... Something I learned while learning Force Drain, being made by that Sith to literally drain the life out of a person... It takes a certain mindset to do something like that. To use those abilities. It takes intent. Otherwise you will never be able to bring out their proper power. That's not something I can do. I tried and I tried, but I was only able to summon it for very brief periods, only out of desperation. I am not capable of harnessing that intent, that mindset. At least not by normal means. Which means the dark side... Well, it's pretty much locked off from me.

And you know what?" He asked as he looked toward Yuroic. "I can live with that. It's power is incredible if you learn to master it, yes. It's power is intoxicating, addicting... But neutral and Jedi equivalents exist for most of those. Ones that have better control. Ones that don't need that intent. Because as easy to do as those things are physically... It's another thing to truly have your heart set to it. And that's why I worry."

He stared at him hard for a moment.

"You're not like that. Deep down in your heart, I know you aren't. But if you keep pursuing it, it will be. And don't tell me that you can rein it in... Because you can't. Because if I'd kept at that until I became numb to it as you've clearly begun to...

I wouldn't be able to either."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]

 

[WelshPsych]

Yuroic listened to Josh's confession. He nodded his head, it wasn't his place to share this story to anyone, it was Josh's story for him to tell. Yuroic could tell that Josh found it hard to tell his story. It was a fair concern that he had, one that Yuroic had thought about but it was also one that he knew he was able to deal with it. Yuroic nodded his head as he rested on the bar, sipping his water, he waited for awhile before deciding to respond to Josh.

"I understand, and I appreciate your concerns Josh but I know what I am doing. I know the dangers of the Dark Side of the Force but throughout history there have been Grey Jedi who used both sides of the Force. Revan being one." Yuroic had researched the history of the people who used both Light and Dark Side powers. "I also know that Arisa was a Grey Jedi before she passed away." Yuroic's former Master had made it clear that she was not against using both sides of the Force when necessary.

Taking a deep breath. "I understand that using the Dark Side of the Force seems corrupt and evil to you, however, I don't see it that way. That is where the difference lies between us, I do regret the times I have used it but those were also moments when I was at my lowest. However, I believe in understanding and using all aspects of the Force, meaning I want to learn both the Light and the Dark, just as my Master had and numerous other Grey Jedi before. Nothing I have forced onto my Padawans, nor would I let them learn if I did not think they were strong of will to resist the Dark Side."

"It isn't the easier path to learn to master these powers, not the way that I use them. I use my emotions, when I use Force Lightning, there is the intent to harm and possibly kill my opponent but I think you are wrong in the fact that there is a Light Side or Neutral alignment power to the answer of Dark Side powers. Mechu Deru is an inherently Dark Side power, one that there is no Light Side response to, does that mean you would have told Allyson never to use it?"

Yuroic looked to Josh and smiled. "I do appreciate the concern, and I understand your point but I have been careful, I'm not using this power for the lust or enjoyment, I am using it to better understand our enemies. To defeat our enemies and show them that their powers aren't the strongest nor is it the only option to be a Sith or a Dark Side user. I respect your stance and believe that it is fair, I know that Asaraa is likely the same but we have Jedi, have had Jedi, who used both and could cope. Jairdain is another neutral Force User who uses both sides. My mind can deal with it, mostly through the fact that we see the Dark Side of the Force in two different mindsets, you see it as an evil power that corrupts individuals. I see it as a power that is used mostly by those already corrupted, the power isn't trying to corrupt you, turn you evil. Seeing it that way, I can bend the powers to my will and use them with equal power to a Sith of my level." Yuroic hoped that Josh would not try preventing him from continuing his path. He knew what he was doing and refused to be pushed another path by someone when he was not becoming evil or falling into Sith-like beliefs. His conviction to the Light was as strong as ever, he just wanted to use everything he had at his advantage.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Yuroic would explain his reasonings further and Josh patiently allowed him to see it through to the end. He had points, again, but there were things he was wrong about too. One he spoke up about first up. Calmly, he spoke, with no scorn or scolding in his voice. Just a calm, soft, gentle tone.

“You misunderstand me” He corrected. “I don’t consider the dark side of the Force to exactly be evil, or corrupt... Only much of it’s users. It is a point of view. One commonly shared by people who are, yes, evil, corrupt. But the dark side itself does take certain emotions, certain motives and intentions to make the most out of. If you cannot harness those, I realized while trying to learn myself... You’re wasting your time, especially when for the most part, there are alternatives to much of the power people covet. I could never unlock those powers to their fullest potential without changing who I am. I went in with curiosity. While I wished to save my brother... I wished to understand the Sith as well. I once had a misguided hope that perhaps one day we could live in harmony and understanding. It was only when I had already tortured myself past my own breaking point that I truly realized what I was doing. That I truly understood the true nature of who we were fighting... The kind of person you had to be in order to make that power your own.”

He pondered some of the exceptions he spoke of, Grey Jedi especially.

“There are different kinds of Grey Jedi” Josh would remind him. “I am a Grey Jedi. Jason being here is proof of that. And I understand the consequences of that. I understand how susceptible to losing control of my emotions, embracing the feelings and desires that drive the dark side. I understand full well I have put myself at risk... And I’ll accept that burden with the knowledge that perhaps one day I might lose control and have to be put down before I hurt the people I swore to protect. That is the sacrifice I chose to make to embrace my emotions. Start a family.”

He smirked lightly. “The old Jedi would have probably branded me a heretic for that, the level I go to. It reminds me of the stories of the old Master, Qui-Gon Jin. He was considered a Grey Jedi in the same vein I was, though less severe in ways they’d disapprove of than I have. He towed the line... But I don’t recall of stories where he ever truly embraced the dark. But he towed it in his own way, same way I have. And he dealt with the risks... That was his burden.

Then there are the other kinds... Revan, as you mentioned. By the stories told, he was a combination, partly of who I am, partly of one who ties the light and dark line. But the stories say he eventually went mad. He took an even bigger risk than I have, trying to embrace every side of a Grey Jedi. And his fate for it is an unfortunate one.”

Josh didn’t have the heart to mention Arisa. For as great as she was... She was selfish too. Very selfish in much of what she did. But even without that, the reality of the situation was... Had that blast not killed her... It was very likely she would have gone mad eventually as well.

“The different degrees and risks, and my own doing it, are why I won’t stop you from trying. Not until it’s clear you can no longer do it, then it’s my job to pull you back in order to keep you and the others safe.”

He smiled sadly. “I’ll take you hating me hating me forever because I’m some stuffy, overly strict, cowardly, dark side-fearing, no-fun old Jedi... Over the alternative. When I have to kill someone in my charge... To me, that is the truest sign that I have failed. Nothing could bring me more shame. And I’ll do everything I can to ensure that never comes to pass.”

With that, he returned to addressing his points.

“Mecha Deru is... Still something I’ve been researching, to be honest with you. Allyson claimed it didn’t take the usual sort of thing to harness it, despite it being said it is inherently dark in nature. It was me who brought the lost art of true pyrokinesis back to the fore years back, during a time the Jedi back then thought it purely a dark side power. So I’m willing to put in the research the same way. Perhaps there’s more to that power than meets the eye.”

He took a moment to consider Yuroic’s last statements.

“I present you a question, if you might indulge me, Yuroic. You claim you want this... Power. Power to stand at toe with your enemies, to use it as another advantage. Why do you seek this power? Is your own strength not enough? There is much of the Jedi ways you have yet to learn, yet you see learning the dark as more of an advantage than honing what you know, and expanding your horizons within the light to heights you have not yet reached.

You also stated you wanted to defeat them, to show them their way was not the strongest. How do you intend to do that by using the very methods they do?”

 

[WelshPsych]

It was fair that Josh point out his error in what Josh thought of the Dark Side. There had been some assumption on Yuroic's part but the way Josh spoke of the Dark Side reminded Yuroic of the old Jedi ways as they talked about the Dark Side and how Jedi must avoid it at all costs. Yuroic nodded as he accepted Josh's interpretation. However there were things that Josh had assumed of Yuroic that were wrong as well. Yuroic waited for Josh to finish his part and looked at Josh.

"I understand your points, and I am sorry to assume that you believed the Dark Side to be evil and corrupt. I just felt that was your belief from our discussion. However, I am very clearly more Grey than you, I also believe that a Jedi Master hundred of years ago changed the views on relationships and love. At least that was something I read awhile back." Yuroic was never against relationships that they strengthen a person's resolve not weaken it.

"Revan went insane after centuries of being tortured by a Sith Emperor, at least that was what I read of his tale. Once freed and brought around, he was able to find peace and become one with the Force. Arisa, she was complicated and not always the best teacher, no matter how much I respect her and admire her." Yuroic was the first to mention Arisa's flaws but he could sense that Josh wanted to as well, "Jairdain is skilled in Dark Side powers, perhaps not at the level of a Master but enough to take on Knights. I am in the same boat, I might not become a Master but I can use them as well as any Sith Knight." Yuroic stated hoping he cleared that up.

"I don't hate you Josh, I understand your concern and where you come from but I stand differently and see things differently. I might not master these powers like a Sith or Ren, but I can use them effectively and with a large amount of skill. I am not looking to master all aspects of the Force, I can't do that and I am not a Force User, I am a Lightsaber type of guy. Hence my chosen Form being Niman and spending last decade mastering that Form and that one alone." Yuroic was proud of his skills in Lightsaber combat, that and his linguist skills were some of his best. "I do believe that being skilled in the Light Side is important but look. Look at the facts, every time a Light Side faction defeats the Dark Side, another pops up. Same goes for every time a Dark Side faction defeats the Light. This is the Force telling us that balance of both is key, don't you think?"

Pausing he shifted in his chair to face Josh, "I don't believe that I will beat them with their own powers, but more show them that being a Sith doesn't mean you are granted these powers. That the Dark Side gives you this strength or power that the Sith claim it does. I want to show that if I can use them and claim to be a defender of the Light, without being corrupted, then how powerful is the Light. Prove that balance between both is more important." Yuroic rested his hands on his thighs. "I know you are trying to look out for me but tell me, if someone didn't tell you that I was using Dark Side powers, would you think I was likely to fall to the Dark Side?" Yuroic was curious to hear Josh's response to his question.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh couldn't help but start to enjoy the makeshift debate just a little. It told him a lot about Yuroic and the knowledge he possessed. Knowing he was well studied, he could see why the seeming Master-Of-All herself took such interest in him. His lips had twitched into the slightest of amused smiles as he tapped his fingers on the counter in thought. But his tone kept calm and gentle, never showing any sort of emotion or daring act out in impulse.

"After the Order was wiped off the map with scarce in Jedi teachings left to work from for a very long time, at the time that the views of relationships and love were changed. By one who rebuilt the Order in their vision, instead of actually changing the minds of existing Jedi" Josh would correct quickly. Yuroic was a scholarly sort, which he enjoyed seeing, so he couldn't help but point out this and that to fill in the pieces for him. "It turned out for the better at least, aye. It strengthened our resolve... Even if it did leave us open to new weaknesses, as I've pointed out. With every new piece of armor, there's a new chink or blind spot. And the biggest of armor generally has the biggest blind spots of all. That's a piece of wisdom I've always kept in mind. It can apply to combat, and to Jedi philosophy. The question to ask is, what pieces of armor go together the best, and suit what will help you persevere personally? Everyone's is different."

He mulled over his words a bit further.

"You're correct about the why Revan went mad. But Revan was a master of all... Intents and feelings being rapidly swung from one side to the other like a pendulum. His being a prodigy also gave him mastery of those abilities without the time and the experience to even begin to fathom how to control himself, something that would take many, many years to do what he'd done... And likely still go mad even if they did. I can't even begin to consider what was probably going on in Revan's head, well before the torture. Odds are... Great cosmic powers... Serious multiple personality disorder and Force knows what else. I don't think he ever stood a chance with or without the way that he ended up going out.

Josh decided that, even if Yuroic did point out her flaws... He wouldn't. He would honor Arisa's memory out of respect for Yuroic. But he smiled sadly again when he said he didn't hate him. He misunderstood him, even if he did appreciate the sentiment.

"I appreciate that. But you might, if it comes to the point I need to act. For both our sakes, I hope you succeed and I don't have to. But I've already prepared for the possibility of what could happen to people taking this route... They go too far, they struggle, they don't even realize it. I have to drag them back to save them and others... They think it's too early, they think it's too soon, they think I'm being overbearing. They think I fear the dark side and well... That's where the hate comes in" He would admit, a bit of light humor in his voice in some attempt to keep the conversation light. "Hmm... A jack of all trades that has his specializations certainly does have better odds though, I will admit that much. But it doesn't solve the potential problems either."

His tone grew serious a moment. "You're "Greyer" than me, yes. It also means you're more at risk. That's where my concern comes in. That's why I want to know for sure you understand. That's why I don't want you doing this until you know for sure that this is something you can do right now. And by "do", I mean do and still come home to us as the Yuroic we know."

Yuroic's last statements got him to laugh a little. "Now you actually do sound just like I did at the time" Josh would admit. There was a question he wanted to ask Yuroic, about all this... But it would wait until a bit longer in this conversation. Once he knew for sure Yuroic was set on this path, he would ask it.

His question though, made him chuckle, just a bit lighter than before. "I dunno, man. I think even the zoo animals thought it was a possibility" Josh joked. It was a serious answer, but again it was just his style of answering these sorts of things when possible. It served as a reminder he was debating, talking, questioning, learning, with a friend.

After a moment, Josh would decide to just be truthful.

"To be honest with you, Yuroic... Truly, truthfully, genuinely honest here. I don't think you're ready for what you want to do" Josh would admit, looking him dead in the eyes.

But then he would raise a finger, a single finger, and a smile would spread across his face.

"... Yet."

Josh let that word hang a moment before continuing.

"After all that trauma you had before, all that you dealt with, all you had to get past... That made one thing clear to me. You still have quite a bit to learn about the light. You are a damn good Jedi, Yuroic. One of our finest Jedi Knights and I promise you that going the way you are, incidents aside... You will be a Jedi Master. But Masterhood isn't the end, it never is. Honestly, it's only the beginning. The true beginning. But for something like what you want to pursue... I don't think the Yuroic I am looking at right now should be focusing on that. I want to see you succeed at this. And to succeed at that... You need to be better than the Yuroic I see now. You need to be a better Jedi than even I am."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, I'm your peer, not your mother. You're a grown man, and like I said, one of our finest Jedi Knights. I'll trust your judgement until you give me reason not to. And Asaraa and I... We'll be here to drag you back if you need us. You have my word on that. But I want you to look at me, Yuroic... And listen carefully. You sound just like I did, oh, so much like I did... I tried to do what you're trying to do. I did, I truly did. I thought that I could use them, and still claim to be a defender of the light... And still be me. I was a Master at the time, too. I had several years as a Master under my belt. By all means, I should have succeeded, if this were as simple as it seems"

He shook his head. It was time for Josh to admit one of the hardest truths of that whole ordeal. Something he'd spent years struggling to accept.

"I was not ready. And I was too damn arrogant to think I wasn't. And if Shmi didn't save me... Hell, if I had gone further than I did..."

He bowed his head slightly, closing his eyes.

"I wouldn't have come back."

[member="Yuroic Xeraic"]