Private Don't Dream It's Over

[Ishani Dinn]

"I give him some of my food," Marcus replied, nodding. Turning to Ishani, he asked, "Can we have food?"

She gave Arc a questioning glance, then replied, "All right."

The pirates hadn't gotten very far from Folende, which meant the trip back was a short one. Once all the refugees had disembarked, Ishani went to the field where she had left Vixen, taking care to avoid looking back at the remains of the raided, burned down village beyond it.

Even looking at it from afar, she knew. The vessel had been ransacked, stripped for parts. She was almost afraid to go inside, not wanting to see the full extent of the damage. Would it even still fly?

She supposed it didn't matter, since it would be sent to... wherever they were going. No, she wouldn't bother. None of it mattered. All that mattered was that the kids were safe, they were alive, and...

She sat on the grass, staring at her ship in somber silence.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Food.

Arcturus wasn't even sure what he kept onboard Beholder beyond MREs... Some shelf stable things, no doubt. Taking Marcus with him in the interim, he searched the tiny galley - really just a pantry and some sort of microwave device - for snacks at the very least.

Eventually they came upon Folende, the rest of the trip being rather uneventful. A welcome reprieve from all they'd just experienced, and the former prisoners were released to their people. The planet looked a little worse for wear. One day he'd have to come back and make good on his promise to support them.

Ishani had wandered toward Vixen leaving Arcturus with the twins. He took each of their hands, and walked over to where she was sat, crouching down alongside her to peer at the ship.

"It's just a ship" he reminded her, softly. "We'll see her repaired, you'll be flying her in no time. Alright?"

But that likely wasn't the sole reason for her solemnity and Arcturus knew it. With a sigh he shifted to a seated position. Released the kids hands so that they could go and prance around in the grass to burn off what remained of their energy.

"You didn't argue with me, about my taking you to the Outer Rim." He sounded genuinely surprised by that. "Where are you headed out there, anyway?"

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"It's just a ship. We'll see her repaired, you'll be flying her in no time. Alright?"

Arc wasn't the only one trying to comfort her. Ishani found herself nearly smothered by the twins with hugs and kisses until she sent them away. "All right, all right. I'm okay. You two go play, I've got to talk to... this guy." She jerked her thumb at Arc, still unsure whether she was allowed to reveal he was their father. They both knew of "Daddy's" existence, and she suspected Marcus may have already figured it out (there was no keeping anything from that kid; must've been that Croissant of Cosmic Truth he'd accidentally taken a bite out of last year...), but she wasn't about to heap that responsibility on Arcturus without the go-ahead from him, nor did she want to make their inevitable parting painful for the kids as well as herself.

"Don't go too far!" she called out to them as they ran into the field. "I give it... ten minutes before they start fighting each other," she murmured, hugging her knees to her chest as she watched them.

"You didn't argue with me, about my taking you to the Outer Rim..."

She looked over at him briefly, her lips parted as if to speak, but she couldn't seem to find the words. He asked her where they were headed, and she lowered her eyes. "I didn't have an exact location in mind. After you... left me, I went around asking people where the safest place in the galaxy was. A couple people mentioned the Outer Rim, or places in the Outer Rim, like uh... Tribunal Station, that was one of them. But I figured we'd wander until we found some place to settle." She sighed. "I screwed up my life trying to chase you. Made enemies out of people I once called friends. Or maybe they were never really my friends to begin with... I dunno. It felt more like a wakeup call to me. I guess I just realized I was full of shit, and so were most of the people around me, and I needed to get away from it. Go somewhere safe for the kids, start over."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

He just sat there as Ishani fumbled around his existence, awkwardly trying to keep the kids from knowing who he was. Had he done this? Was it his doing? Probably. He'd pushed her away, and in turn them, from the moment he'd heard of their existence. For their own sake, he said. And given the display aboard that pirate ship he knew it was true.

But seeing them, being around them, it made that so much more... Complicated. Maybe it was best if he just remained some random person in their lives. One day they'd no doubt piece it together, if indeed they even remembered their earlier years. Arc certainly didn't remember his.

Still his expression became one of true grief once they'd run off to play. He watched as Ishani bundled up, as though trying to keep the world out. Frowned.

She didn't have much of an answer for him at first. And then the answer that was given was... vague.

He sighed, and glanced away from her to the semi-scorched fields, running a hand up through his hair. There was only one actually named place among it all. Tribunal Station. Well he wasn't at all familiar with it, but.. If it was safe? Well who was he to deny them that safety.

She had more to say though. He listened quietly as ever, truly listened. There was a lot to unpack, but most of it didn't need addressing. Not anymore. Instead he shook his head, and stared at a spot of still-green grass.

"A fresh start. Yeah. That's what you need. What all of you need. You said, uh, Tribunal Station? You got coordinates for that?"

Ishani was so close, all he'd have to do was reach out to touch her. Instead he practically sat on his hand to refrain from muddying things up further. No doubt it was difficult enough for her to know they'd be traveling together from one side of the Galaxy to the other.

"We shouldn't linger long" he stated after a while. A long sigh accompanied the words. "I'm sure they need their rest, and I'd rather we get them to Leviathan first. Do you, uh... Is there anything you want me to get, from Vixen I mean?"

He shifted, about to stand up, before he paused and glanced at Ishani.

"I wasn't actually going to let them go," he said after a moment, rather plainly. "The pirates, I mean. They were going to die either way for what they'd done. I just... Didn't want you or the others to get any more injured." Speaking of, his arm still ached like nobody's business. Not as bad as it was though.

Finally he stood up.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

“No coordinates,” she muttered. The guy who had recommended it to her had done so via a quick note slipped to her while she was selling perfumes. “Like I said, nothing was really set in stone.”

He offered to get her something from her ship, and she immediately felt bad. Like she was acting like a big baby about all this. “I can get my own stuff, don’t worry,” she replied, rising to her feet.

As Arc also stood up, saying something about the pirates, her eyes fell upon his injured arm. “Hey, that looks bad,” she said, and unthinkingly reached out to touch him, examining the wound. “Feth the pirates—although I wish you hadn’t risked your life just to stay behind and blast them out of the sky.” Frowning, she added, “I might have some stuff aboard Vixen that can help you heal faster. If you want…”

She met his gaze, and gently let go of his arm.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

"I don't mind" he stated, when she was reluctant to let him board the ship, "I know how it can be, returning to somewhere that doesn't feel so safe anymore. It's the least I can do, Ish."

As for her statement about Tribunal Station, well, he supposed he'd have to do some research. He didn't address it for now, they could worry about that once they reached Leviathan.

"I'll take a swim once we're airborne again. Healing waters, you can thank Kal for that. What about you, though? Are you injured, Ish? Did they hurt either of you?"

His jaw set, and he reached out to touch her when she released his arm. Turning her to face him properly so that he could get a good look at her.

"I'm not going to apologize for killing them" he stated, "They terrorized my family, they deserved worse than death."

Before she could linger on those words though he shook his head. "You look like chit, Ishani. Go, take the kids back aboard Beholder and get some rest. I'll search Vixen for anything important, alright?"

He wasn't asking her, that much was evident.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

He was being kind to her. Not merely polite or just decent… She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to breathe, then opened them again, speaking softly. “Okay. Just… clothes and other personal items, I guess.” Hopefully he still remembered where everything was.

She snorted. “Of course. Kal.” Rubbing her eyes, she shook her head. “I got hit by a stun bolt twice. The kids seemed fine…”

He touched her, and her breath hitched. She couldn’t control the more instinctive reactions of her body, the spiking of her pulse or the goosebumps on her skin, but she could resist the overwhelming urge to embrace him. This was her trial, her crucible, she’d decided. A test to see whether she was really as pathetic, stupid, and selfish as she felt.

"I'm not going to apologize for killing them. They terrorized my family, they deserved worse than death."

“I just don’t want you to risk your life,” she said. It came out in a whisper. “People like them aren’t worth dying over.”

He ordered her to go. Perhaps that was for the best. She nodded in silence, then went to get the kids. Sure enough, she had to break up a fight that had broken out between the two—no doubt fueled by crankiness. She took one last look back towards Vixen and Arc, before they boarded Beholder.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

"I'll make sure to get the kids some changes of clothes, too. Speaking of..."

Arcturus reached into his pouch of stones again, and pulled free a couple of them. Handed them to Ishani. "Take a shower, then use the Force on these. You'll have a fresh set of clothes, alright? Just... Don't lose them." Her currently worn clothes? Well they'd be dragged into the Nether but he'd have his Hourglass droid tend to that. They'd already have to get the blood out of his clothes, after all.

She said she'd only been hit with stun bolts. That was good. And the kids had been unharmed? Even better. Still didn't make him any less furious, but there was no one left to turn that frustration onto so he'd have to learn to let it go lest it ate him up inside.

"I knew what I was doing" he assured her, "I'm alive, aren't I? Go on, now. Go."

He watched her leave, before turning to the ship in question. Wandered up the already lowered ramp and saw the state of the interior. Much of the crystalline structure was smashed up, a fact which brought his rage bubbling up anew. It wasn't going to be space safe for sentients, he knew that much. A droid then? Maybe he'd have to resort to using a droid pilot. Feth. That always sucked.

Arcturus gathered up anything he saw as important, some changes of clothes, a couple of toys for the kids - Force knew he had nothing of the sort on Leviathan, the kids comfort blankets or stuffies if they had anything of the sort. Then he spotted something unexpected, among the remnants of a drawer which had been overturned. A knife, made of bone and leather.

He lifted it up, examined it this way and that, then added it to the pile. Sentimental, Ish?

With a few more things gathered up he left the ship, and shook his head.

Turned to one of the locals, who hadn't been held captive. One he actually recognized from when they'd settled the place. "I'm going to have a pilot droid sent for to move this ship," he informed the man. "There's still some food onboard, though. If your people promise to leave everything else untouched, you're welcome to it. It won't really survive space, anyway."

Before he wandered back to Beholder he paused once more.

"I'll be back. I'll help secure this place however I can, I promise. But... I have a duty to Ishani first. I'll send you some blasters, alright? With the droid."

Then he was gone, walking back up the ramp into Beholder where he set down Ishani and the kids belongings within the meditation chamber, the biggest room aboard the ship, and then set about getting them airborne.

Back to Leviathan with them, though it would be a few hours before they arrived. No doubt he and Ishani would have plenty to discuss along the way.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Ishani was more intrigued than puzzled by the pebbles he’d given her from a pouch. After all, she knew what it was like to live with Arcturus Thesh, who had more pouches than he had clothes, but it was odd that it wasn’t sand. Ah well, pebbles were just big grains of sand, in a way.

The kids were her first order of business. She gave them both a bath, dressed them in the clothes Arc had brought over from Vixen, then shuffled them off to bed. They were asleep practically as soon as their heads hit the pillows.

She held vigil for a little while, then she got herself sorted. It took a few tries before the pebbles worked, and then she was startled by the ensuing dark cloud that engulfed her body. When the mist cleared, she found herself in an all-black outfit, the kind that she might’ve once worn back in her Academy days… right down to the fact that it was a little too tight across the chest now. Well, that was to be expected, since he didn’t know her current measurements—and sort of comforting, in a way. She hadn’t changed much size-wise, except where she’d needed it most. That… sounded kind of weird, never mind.

Leaving the ‘fresher, she glanced toward the meditation room, where the rest of their stuff was piled up. She debated just going to bed herself, but knew she wouldn’t be able to. Not with all that had happened to make her thoughts race like chariots through her mind.

Instead, she headed for the cockpit, approaching cautiously. “Arc, can we, uh… can we talk?” she asked. Her voice came out incredibly quiet, barely above a whisper. She almost hoped he would say no, because she had no idea where to begin and was in no mood for an argument. At the same time, she just wanted… conversation, she supposed. A distraction. Something that would take her mind off the images that haunted her.

Yeah, she needed to talk.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

After bringing their belongings onboard, Arcturus had sequestered himself away into the cockpit to afford Ishani and the children some privacy, a sense of normalcy. They could do their usual routines that way, have a snack if they wanted, bathe, and get ready for bed, all without him overshadowing any of it. They were owed a sense of normalcy.

It was a touch colder in the cockpit than the rest of the ship, but that was how he preferred it. The chill kept him alert and focused. Even if the vessel was on autopilot back to Leviathan he wanted to remain awake. For all he knew there were more dangers around every turn; Force help any who tried a repeat of what the pirates had while Arcturus was present.

He'd expected her to be asleep as quickly as the kids. As such, when Ishani opened the door and asked if they could talk he jumped a little. Turned to face her. His eyes softened ever so slightly, before he shifted in his seat to better face her.

"Sure" he replied, unsure of what exactly it was she wanted to talk about. There were so many possibilities, though he realized some probably wouldn't be brokered at all. He gestured to the other seat. "What's eating you up, Ish?"

It was just an expression, but after he uttered it he realized how downright stupid it was given all that had happened not just with her and the kids but between the two of them too.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"What's eating you up, Ish?"

You, she almost wanted to reply. She rubbed her arms for warmth against the chill of the cockpit, and sat down. “I, uh…” she started, then hesitated, then began again. “How have you been lately? I mean… You look better than you did on Coruscant. Healthier.”

She could remember how pale and thin he was, how ragged his clothes, and thought she could recall him shaking in her arms, shivering as if he couldn’t ever get warm enough. She’d poured her love into him in that office, as if it might fill in the gaps between his ribs and insulate him from the cold, knowing all the while that he would walk out before dawn, back onto the unforgiving streets.

Despite the corruption, she could at least say he wasn’t so emaciated—nor did he look frazzled or sleep-deprived or like he was off on a bender. In fact, he looked better than she did.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

She wanted to talk about him?

He gave her a befuzzled look, then shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I've been... Better, honestly. Maliphant pulled me out of my stupor, I guess. Gave me the grace to move forward however I pleased..." He wasn't forcing Arcturus along the path of a darksider, hadn't given him a bunch of expectations or duties to fulfil. No, he'd told him to find himself, truly find himself, and for the first time in his life that had left the door open for him to do as he pleased.

A strange sensation to be sure.

"I've had to set an example, too. I can't get away with not eating for days on end, or staying awake, anymore. I uh... Have a student now." All at once the reality of how awkward all of this was going to be to explain struck him like a brick. He swallowed. "You'll uh... You'll meet her, once we get back to Leviathan. She's a good kid."

Was this going to be awkward for Ishani, too? He glanced at her, bit the inside of his lip, then let out a small sigh. Feth.

"Too good to be corrupted. I'm trying to keep it easy around her, you know? Teach her without all the rules and regulations of the Sith. I didn't even realize that was possible, until... Well, until she came along."

Was that guilt? Yes, yes it was. He was aware of the fact he'd promised to teach Ishani before. Aware of the fact that he hadn't even considered such methods until Tamiko stepped into his life. If only he'd known back then. If only he'd dragged Ishani away from the Sith and taught her, however clumsily their Apprenticeship would have been,

But Arcturus wasn't the same as he had been back then. Even Ishani would be able to notice it, confidence, control, having something to focus on had done wonders for him. It had even tempered the gutbeast some.

"What about you? I'm not going to lie, Ishani, you look like chit. But... I'm glad you're with the kids. And all things considered, they seem happy. I'm glad. Proud of you, even."

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Maliphant. Of course. The same master who he had claimed wouldn’t let him walk away had apparently given him his freedom. Then again, she’d already guessed that.

She stayed quiet, absorbing the information he gave her without saying anything. Even the news that he had a new apprentice, though her expression did become more drawn and sad.

“I’m proud of you too,” she finally whispered, afraid to say anything else. Further compliments might come across as backhanded, and even jokey comments like I know how much you love being called Master or I hope she’s more talented than I was would probably just sound bitter coming from her. He seemed aware of how she was feeling, too—she could hear the guilt in his tone.

He asked about her. “I haven’t been sleeping very well,” she admitted. “Not because I’m busy, just… can’t sleep.” She chewed her lip. “I finally resigned from office and gave up on being a Mystic. That pissed off a lot of people. Then I got chased around for a little while by a… some kind of Dark Side being, maybe a Sithspawn, who claimed I had burned down his forest. I dunno if the prick is still after me.” She shrugged. “I’ve mainly just been selling perfumes and wandering around aimlessly with the kids.”

Probably not what he expected, nor what he wanted to hear, but it was the truth. So she decided to be a little more honest still. “I wish you could’ve kept training me, Arc.”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

He noticed the change in her, and though his heart sank he honoured her decision not to speak on it by letting the matter lie for now. In time perhaps they could address those feelings, it would be a long journey to the Outer Rim, after all, but for now... For now they had to ease back into it. Figure out their place alongside one another, before they were ultimately torn apart again.

She said she was proud; there was more lying there beneath the surface, more she did not say, and for a moment he wondered what it might be. He didn't pry though. He just swallowed, and nodded his head solemnly.

Ishani's life in their time apart had been hectic to say the least. She'd stepped away from much of what had been anchoring her in place, and now with the children at her side she was seeking to carve out a new world for them, somewhere else, somewhere safer. But it hadn't been without its road bumps. Obviously.

At the mention of someone hunting her though, Arcturus visibly stiffened. The veins in his neck pulsed a little more noticeably. "Who?" he asked, voice dangerously low as much as he tried to keep himself calm. For once he was doing a really bad job at remaining calm. "Do you have a name?" Force help whoever it was...

What was said next softened him though.

He looked away. More of that guilt was present on his expression, what little of it she could see. Arcturus exhaled, and ran a hand up through his hair. Broken promises... Arcturus had once prided himself on keeping his promises. A man of his word, that's what he'd been. But with Ishani there'd been more broken promises than kept ones.

"I know" was his initial response, voice barely above a whisper. It shook slightly too. "I wish things could have been different. If I'd have known then what I know now..." If he could have treated her training the way he did Tamiko's...

But that was in the past now, wasn't it? What could he do to make amends?

Arcturus figured he probably couldn't do very much at all.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

She shook her head. “I could show you what he looks like, but that’s all.” She tapped her head, indicating that she would share her memories of her two separate encounters with Firrerreo with him. “The first time I encountered him was right before you came aboard Vixen. Then shortly after that, when I was sitting in a bar feeling sorry for myself, he came upon me again. He started a massacre there, then tried to pin it on me. Mentioned that the kids would be taken away if he succeeded. Lovely chap.”

Tiredness had made her more frank and matter-of-fact.

"I wish things could have been different. If I'd have known then what I know now..."

"Can't think like that," she murmured. "Trust me. It will drive you insane, thinking of all the different decisions you could've made. Most of the time it wouldn't be better, really—you'd still be trading out something good for something else."

She was thinking of the twins, of course. How things could've been different if they either hadn't existed, or if she'd given them up rather than taking on the responsibility of raising them, letting her life be shaped around what was best for them. Despite the things she'd said to Arc aboard Vixen, when she'd been desperate to convince him to stay with her, she didn't truly regret her decision. Not when she saw them again, held them and kissed them.

On the other hand... "What's stopping you? I mean—apart from the fact that you already have an apprentice, and the fact that you are adamantly against being around the kids..." She sat up straighter. "What was that corruption you showed me, anyway? Where did it come from?"

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

The more Ishani spoke of this mystery figure, the more Arcturus began to see red. Threatening to have the twins taken away? Oh, oh no, not on his watch. He even began to shake a little, visibly trying to keep it all bottled up inside. As much for the sake of the kids in the next room than anything else, they didn't need to be woken up with his outburst.

That thought tempered him. It took a moment but he inhaled a breath and slowly began to relax again. Closed his eyes, imagined their little faces.

Yep, he eased himself back from the edge. Some of the paleness of his skin seemed to wane too, a bit more colour entering his face. A soft exhale; he looked back to Ishani.

"Show me. But... Not yet. Once we reach our destination. I uh... I don't want them to feel what I might feel."

Did that make sense to her? Arcturus didn't know. But it mattered to him so...

Then came her questions. Why couldn't he? What was stopping him from teaching her the way he taught Tamiko? He pondered that for a moment, before she semi answered it for herself. The kids. The kids were keeping him at bay. It was all so confusing though, especially now that he was around them. They made him want to be better, to do better.

It was dizzying.

Would it last, though? Or would he ultimately just damage them as he feared he would?

Her last question at least he could answer.

"Velok" he explained, "I went to him with a Terentatek tooth, and he imbued me with its traits... It took me a while to figure out the boon - I'm impervious to Sithspawn venom and poison - but uh... there's always a downside to such things. I just didn't consider it at the time. It uh, left me hungry... For Force Sensitive... stuff." He shrugged, not really wanting to get into it right then.

"I have it under control now, more or less. I mean, moments like that on the pirate ship, when there's just so much of it on show, that's harder. But day to day? Yeah, I have my ways to fix it."

He couldn't look at her, certain that she'd look at him differently now, and instead glanced at his hands. A soft frown washed over his expression.

"You'd still want me to teach you, after everything?"

That was the only thing he said after the fact, confusion and curiosity mixed within his tone. Grief, too, but that had become second nature since she'd entered the room.

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"Show me. But... Not yet. Once we reach our destination. I uh... I don't want them to feel what I might feel."

She nodded. Having children was hard, having Force sensitive children was even harder. They felt everything, and they were so impressionable...

Her eyes widened as he explained about Velok and the terentatek boon. She sort of inferred what he was trying to say, the consequences of such a thing. Yet even as she realized what he was admitting to, he insisted that he had it under control. Or at least he was managing it. She didn't really know what to say, her mind not functioning well enough to even really process it all... but even if she had been, she wasn't sure if it really would've made a difference.

"Good," she said softly. "As long as you can manage it... or if you can't, I'll help you find a way to..." Fix it, she was about to say. An almost exact copy of the words she'd said to him aboard Vixen. She hadn't even known what it was then, only that whatever it was, she'd go through hell to help him find a cure. "I'll try to help you, if I can," she said instead, before letting the subject go.

"You'd still want me to teach you, after everything?"

"I still want you, Arc," she admitted, rather foolishly. At least she wasn't claiming to need him, though it often felt like she could barely draw breath without feeling him in her arms. That kind of pain had begun when he first vanished from Korriban, waxing and waning over the years, until his reappearance on Coruscant had caused it to explode all over again. "But... But teaching me would help a lot. I could get more mileage out of my alchemy, at least. Defend myself better, not get into trouble so often..." She smiled faintly. "You were the only teacher I ever actually enjoyed learning from."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

He was quiet for a long moment.

So many thoughts were running rampant through his mind, their past together as it had begun on Lao-Mon, and the way in which it had so rapidly developed. Become all-consuming. As though they required one another to breathe... Too intense. Far too intense. But that was how childish love was, it was everything all at once.

Looking upon her now, he knew it wasn't the same. Such a love was surface level, it held little in the way of real depth. And though they'd shared their tender moments, and though it had developed into something far more meaningful toward the end, the majority of what they could recall of it was awkward and fumbling and surface level.

A need, a deep want.

Now there was just a hollow thud where she ought to have been.

Five words uttered from her threatened to engulf him, but he did not allow them to. He glanced away from her, viewing over the various consoles and controls in the cockpit. In truth though his mind was not on them, it was on the children. "Having met them" he said, seemingly out of nowhere as there was nothing to attach his words to from her statements, "I don't know how I can go on denying myself their presence."

It was a quiet admission, solemn and filled with sorrow. It twisted in his gut, and left him feeling all the more hollow. Not just in his heart, but the entirety of his being.

"But nor can I be around them in totality. I do not fear myself as much as I once did, Ishani, but I still refuse to risk it. And I hope that you, and one day they, will understand that." He still didn't look at her. Still couldn't for fear of losing his cool. "A compromise. Do you... Do you maybe think we can find a compromise?"

Arcturus swallowed, afraid of what her response might be.

"I can train you, if it's really what you want. Alchemy... That will be as dark as I allow. No blood magic, forget about that Ishani you don't want to go down that road. We can work on other Force abilities, I can help you with the lightsaber and your blade... But it can't be a full time thing. You have the kids, I have other responsibilities too now. I'm not perfect, there's still darkness within me, it can't be constant."

HIs hands fidgeted in his lap.

"But... Every now and then. Every now and then I'd like to see you, and the twins. If you'll allow it. I'd like to be a Father to them, Ishani... Help to raise them. I can train you then, too. They'll need someone who can teach them how to control it all in turn, too. You'll be good at that, once you know how."

Would it be enough?

Could it be enough for her?

 

[Ishani Dinn]

He was quiet for a while, and then he spoke of the children. Once again, she merely listened, her emotions becoming more and more tangled up.

Strangely, her first reaction was anger. She wanted to rage at him for putting her through the fething wringer for so many months, running away from her when they could’ve just sat down and talked it out like adults. They might’ve come to a compromise before he went off and got himself cursed, at least. But things had been so chaotic, so abrupt, and she knew she had come on far too strong, her eagerness to have him back crushing. No matter how good her intentions had been, that shivering, bony creature who had stood in her office still had one foot in the grave. He couldn't have withstood the weighty responsibility of fatherhood no matter how gentle she was about it.

"A compromise. Do you... Do you maybe think we can find a compromise?"

“Yeah,” she replied. But her response was too immediate, she realized. She was still rushing headlong into him, eagerly swallowing any crumb he offered. Was that pathetic? Probably. But damn it, it was Arcturus, and it was her love, and it was their children. “I mean… probably? I don’t see why not… But then I haven’t slept in a while, so maybe I’m not thinking straight.” She gave him a little smile that she hoped was reassuring. “I’ll think about it some more in the morning and give you a better answer then.”

He agreed to teach her alchemy, but not blood magic. “That’s fine. I only used to mention that to mess with you, to be honest. It’s… well, it’s not a pleasant way to die, and too much of a pain in the ass to bother with even on the worst scumbags the galaxy has to offer. Not when you can just shoot or stab or drop a bomb on somebody and get the same result, just with less fainting and corruption.”

She had to remind herself that all he was offering was a compromise. He wouldn’t stay. He’d come back, every now and then, mainly to be with the kids. He’d train her a little, but not full time. He’d probably never touch her again, finding it too painful. There’d be no wedding bells, they’d have no more children, and one of them would probably eventually die somewhere out there alone, separated from the other. The mere thought made her want to weep over time she had yet to lose.

But it was something. It would be good for the kids... or maybe it wouldn’t. She didn’t know, couldn’t guess how all this might affect them. But she could see and feel the love he had for them, could hear it in his voice. How could she deny him the right to see them? How could being loved hurt them?

“It’s up to you,” she finally said, wiping her eyes. “And the kids. You know I’d be happy to have you, but they don’t even know you’re their father yet. Maybe you can use this trip as a chance to ease them into it, see how things go...”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

She was tired.

Tired enough that she did not want to commit to an answer.

Arcturus bowed his head, still not looking toward her, and nodded solemnly. Could he expect any more than that? He had no right to demand more. To want more. This was a trap of his own devising, after all, he'd been the one to push her away. But everything had been so murky back then, so frustratingly difficult to see past each hurdle.

In many ways it still was.

But seeing them, holding them... It had made it real. Crushingly real.

"I uh... You can have my bed tonight" he stated, so quietly that he barely even knew if he'd said it aloud at all. Nothing else she had said really made it through to him in that moment, he didn't want to get hung up on words she might regret come morning.

"The sheets are fresh. I promise. Go on, it's the room next to where the kids are lay."

He didn't look up, he didn't get up. Arcturus needed time himself, time to think on it all, and figure out what would happen if she decided it wasn't for her. Wasn't for the kids.

There was no way he'd be sleeping though, not 'til they got back to Leviathan, paranoia was seeping in and he couldn't bear the thought of them being attacked in their sleep.

Not on his watch.

Ishani Dinn