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Diary Entry: Eva/Catharsis

Aran Finn

Dear Eva,

I can't believe I wasted my time on you. I can't believe it. I'm so enamoured with the idea of me being smarter than everyone else, that making a mistake like ever loving you, someone so unworthy of the esteem I held you in, hurts me to my core. I was supposed to be better than this. I feel like I can't allow myself to make mistakes. And that I did, with you, that is something that is hard for me to process. And you were a mistake, Eva. A big frakking mistake. I can't hate you, though I kind of do, because you're an idiot. You're not evil, just stupid. Everything you do, everything you touch, corrodes. You act, you hurt people, you drive everyone that ever loved you away without thinking because for you new friends are so easy to find. But they run out, Eva. Not everyone will give you a free pass, not like I did. Someone will hold you to account for all of the frakked up things that you do. And who knows, it might be me. But I can't have you around. You're toxic, and I hate myself for being blind to that. That is the stem and root of my frustration, my rage. Frak you, Eva, but mostly, frak me. You were my mistake, and I need to forgive myself for you before I can move on. Deep breaths, Alen. I want a do over. But there are no do overs. No more smokes tonight, lad. Meditate, and try not to think about bashing any skulls in. Believe it or not, that does nothing for you.

You're an idiot, Alen, but I still love you. Only, I love you because I got to. Now I need to start loving you because I want to.

- Alen Na'Varro, 22ABY