First Reply Cruise Liner Dead Liner

[Nej Tane]

Nej Tane had two life goals: 1) Stay off every bounty board in the galaxy, and 2) Never talk to customer service again. So when a mysterious interstellar sweepstakes informed him he'd won an all-expenses-paid voyage aboard the Celestial Drift, the most luxurious cruise ship in the greater space/galaxy area (so the brochure said), he figured,

"Why not? What's the worst that could happen?"


Turns out, everything when you don't really think things through.


The shrimp is ehhhhhhhh, the pool has three moons orbiting it, and the captain delivers announcements exclusively in interpretive dances. Or maybe he was speaking an alien language because he was blue and had tentacles everywhere. Hard to say. But Nej was starting to enjoy himself, as weird as it was. Then, an announcement that Nej didn't hear-

"Congratulations, passengers! Hope you packed light!"​

As it happens, Nej is not alone—mosts of the guests on board are a highly sought-after outlaw, con artist, smuggler, and in one case, a librarian with overdue planetary fines.

Tsk tsk!

Now, trapped in a floating five-star trap with questionable music choices and increasingly unhinged "entertainment," - Nej was unaware. He was infact, horribly unaware. Why?

Because Nej was currently in the hair salon, headphones on and his hair up in a towel while the chaos ensued outside. Mild gunfire, tasers, stun bolts, this and that here and there. But Nej had a hair appointment, a massage, and maybe a mani/pedi to attend to. And then.......

​

 

[Pal Veda]

Life is short. Live a little. Take a trip. Enjoy yourself. Have fun!

“This is dumb.” Pal stared at his reflection in the mirror, still foggy from the steam after his hot shower. “This is so dumb.” He hated everything about the Celestial Drift. He hated the people, the cheesy shows, the stupid blue captain always shaking his tentacles. No telling how much he was being charged for the glass of scotch he was drinking from the minibar in his room. At least it was a nice bottle.

“Congratulations, passengers! Hope you packed light!”

What the hell did that mean? He stepped into his room and turned on the holoscreen as he got dressed. Nothing special, just the standard greeting screen. “We hope you are enjoying your stay on the Celestial Drift, the most luxurious star cruise this side of the galaxy! Feeling like a swim? Check out our premier pool with a beautiful view of three different orbital moons! Need to relax? Book an appointment with our spa, offering services including full body massages from Chandrillan masseuses and a sauna heated by lava rocks directly from Mustafar!” Pal zoned out as he buckled his belt.

PEW! PEW!

There was no mistaking that sound. Blaster fire. Pal dashed to his door and cautiously peered into the hallway. PEW! A bolt zoomed down the hallway, barely missing his face. He fell back into his room, landing on his rear. PEW! PEW! He heard a grunt and a thud! Some other poor bastard took the hit.

Yep, this is dumb.

Nej Tane

 

[Nej Tane]

Nej Tane

Nej normally was an attentive person, but man this spa was great!

Normally, however, Nej was also an idiot, so, not much changed. Behind him, there was a cacophony of violence and confusion, stun bolts, electric nets, the like. It was only after the windows to where he was got shattered by the concussive force of a flashbang that he jolted, dropping his headphones.

And was looking right at a Trandoshan Bounty Hunter, grinning at him.

The Trandoshan promptly picked him up, and Nej could only scramble to get a bottle of hair spray, spraying the Bounty Hunter while he was being tossed around choked. While Trandoshans did not have any hair to use the VOLUME MAXXING HUTT SPACE BEAUTY, Nej did, but Nej was presently trying to spray it into his eyes. He screamed, thrashed, and then Nej put more hair spray in his mouth.

He was let go, as the Trandoshan choked, spitting, cursing. Nej didn't waste any time, booking it, in flip-flops that separated his feet from the pedicure, smelling of hair spray. He booked it back towards the cabins, where he had a sealed box of guns, and shoes.

​

 

[Pal Veda]

Pal clamored back toward his bed and reached under the pillow for his holdout blaster. Well, where his holdout blaster was supposed to be. “Thieves!” He cursed aloud as he realized housekeeping had stolen his weapon while he was out that morning. And they hadn’t even replaced his towels! Improvising, he grabbed the open bottle of scotch from the nightstand and crept to the doorway, pressing his back against the wall.

After a few more shots, he heard footsteps approaching. Not bothering to register who — or what — was coming down the hallway, Pal popped around the corner and smashed the glass bottle across the hostile’s head. Shards flew in all directions as it exploded against the metal dome of an assassin droid. Not exactly what he had expected.

The robotic killer whirled around and took aim. This is not how I anticipated going out. But before it could fire, sparks started flying from its eye sockets, and it dropped its blaster. Seemed that the brown liquor had found its way into the droid’s central processing unit and short circuited its controls. Pal gave the assassin a hard kick to the chest, knocking it against the wall. He then retrieved the gun from the floor and fired off three rounds, finishing the droid off for good.

As he caught his breath, an odd smell reached his nostrils. Is that . . . Hairspray? Pal poked his head around the doorway, leading with the barrel of his newly acquired blaster. Some fool was running down the hall in flip flops. But his hair was perfect.

Nej Tane

 

[Nej Tane]

UH OH​

Nej was body-slammed into the door of his room. He struggled to put the keycard into the slot, while he was being choked. As the door opened, his attacker, what appeared to be either a Wookie or six Jawas in a trenchcoat, went busy with picking him up and throwing him. He groaned as he impacted the wall of his cabin room, leaving a comically near-perfect Nej-sized dent in the wall.

He grimaced and groaned, pushing his hands to the floor, making his way- crawling, rather to his bed to get to the box under it. The Wookie took no time and grabbed his foot and went to drag him out of the room to claim his prize. Nej didn't like that idea. So, Nej stuck his feet upwards and kicked-

Right in the bowcaster!

Wookie or not, that had to hurt, and it elicited a scream of pain from the Wookie. Nej was able to crawl to the box, flick it open- and rotate his gun into his hands, a particular pistol legendary among the ne'er-do-wells of the galaxy. The gun was extremely loud, and tell-tale. The .48 caliber slug literally threw the Wookie back out into the hallway. Nej stood, breathing heavy, with a bruised back. He walked over to the box, and quickly put on the rest of his gear- his retractable facemask, his jacket, belt, and the two Disruptor pistols and put his Enforcer pistol back in the cross-draw holster.

He stepped out into the hallway, now more recognizable as the outlaw Nej Ta-

That son of a queen.

PAL VEDA.

Nej ran at Pal Veda, narrowing his eyes.

"PAL VEDA YOU SON OF A queen YOU STOLE MY WHOLE SCHTICK!"

He went to tackle Pal.

​

 

[Pal Veda]

BOOM! The .48 caliber enforcer pistol echoed down the hallway, followed closely by a very giant, very hairy, and very dead Wookiee flying out of one of the rooms. Pal raised the blaster he’d recently acquired from the assassin droid and held it at the ready. He was decidedly not prepared for what happened next.

”PAL VEDA YOU SON OF A queen YOU STOLE MY WHOLE SCHTICK!"

He nearly dropped the gun in shock. “Nej Tane?” Pal had managed to stay away from this particular outlaw for most of his career. And for good damn reason. Tane was trouble. Not the good kind of trouble, where you have fun, blast a few bad guys, and get out with pockets full of credits. More like the kind of trouble where everyone ends up half or fully dead with nothing to show for it. Except Nej. He somehow found himself rich from his idiotic schemes and incredible luck. Not so much his partners.

Before Pal could fully register what was happening, the fully armed Nej came charging toward him, ready to throw down over some dumb stolen schtick idea he’d concocted in his own head. Pal couldn’t help how awesome he was. Who wouldn’t be envious of his dashing good looks, rippling muscles, speed with a blaster, and skills in the cockpit?

Pal braced for impact and tried to angle the butt of the weapon to pop Nej as they collided. He wasn’t thrilled by the new company, but maybe he could knock some reason into this goon before they killed each other.


Nej Tane

 

[Nej Tane]

Pal Veda

Nej knew it! He did know who he was! He was aware of him! He was conscious of his scheming, his conniving, his stealing of his livelihood!

But, in reality, Pal Veda had never met Nej, and actively stayed away from him. Because Nej was a moron. Nej got smacked with the weapon, and Pal managed to dodge his tackle. Nej got hit, sliding along the ground. The wax floors screeched as Nej's leather jacket skirted along it. Nej slid for a good few feet, bumping his head into the bulkhead of the ship.

Just then, more goons and goonettes came around the corner, aiming for Pal.

"NEJ TANE! THERE HE IS! GET 'EM!" ​

Unaware that Nej was on the floor, they opened fire on Pal and ignored the real Nej on the floor, who was dazed. They thought Nej on the floor to be another Bounty Hunter- and Pal, the legendary and more handsome outlaw. More voices came down the hallway- a stampede of credit-hungry morons coming to claim Nej Tane and other juicy bounties as their own.

​

 

[Pal Veda]

“Are you kriffin’ serious right now?” Pal turned and hauled tail, yelling over his shoulder, “We don’t even look alike!”

There were probably bounties out there on Pal. He’d done his fair share of scheming over the years, ticked off some not so good people here and there. But Nej was wanted in more star systems than he could count. If these dumb hunters had the two men confused, well, that spelled bad news for Captain Veda.

And now he was trapped on this cruiser with both Nej and the dumb hunters, none of his normal gear, and a blaster he’d taken from a now-in-pieces assassin droid.

Pal rounded the corner and barreled through a doorway, looking for an escape route. This was not it. Nope, it was a storage room. Great. He could hear the bad guys coming, so he couldn’t retrace his steps. Instead, he shoved a durasteel mop across the door handle and slid a heavy crate in front of it, creating a makeshift barricade.

Momentarily safe but definitely trapped, Pal took stock of the stock. Cleaning supplies! He could work with that. He rummaged through the boxes, grabbing several bottles of the most flammable chemicals he could find. Next, he found some rags and began stuffing them into the glass cylinders. And of course he had a lighter in his pocket — this was supposed to be a vacation, after all.

“Alright, you dirty pirates,” he taunted, though he was really only talking to himself since no one could hear him outside, “Let’s have some fun.”


Nej Tane

 

[Nej Tane]

Pal Veda

Nej rolled onto his back, groaning and looking up at the ceiling. The Hunters were shooting at both him and that sonofabitch Pal Veda. But Pal Veda wasn't hunting him (for the moment) and wasn't on their guestlist- so that made them begrudging friends. Pal concocted a makeshift firebomb- one that he sent flying through the air towards the bad guys.

And in that moment, those brief moments, there was the beacon of truth, the reality of why Nej was wanted in so many places. Why he was so infamous in some circles. From a seated position, he quick-drawed his Disruptor pistol, held it at his waist- and fired.

And hit the moving target, a bottle, from the hip. The flammable liquid inside the bottle wasn't hit by the disruptor, but the container was. Fire showered over the hunters as Nej stood up, still holding the pistol as he produced his other. Chaos erupted in the hallway in those brief few seconds, Nej firing rapidly at the Hunters, those who weren't on fire and those who were. Bang. Bang. Bang. He was lightning fast and accurate.

And in just a few moments, the Hunters in the hallway lay still. For the time being.

He turned towards Pal, throwing him one of his Disruptor pistols.

"I want that back, Veda. Let's get out of here. Got any plans?"

​

 

[Pal Veda]

This was getting out of hand fast. But at least for now, they were in the clear, and Pal was armed with a disruptor pistol. Upon examination, it seemed to be a pretty nice one, too. “We’ll see,” he responded, gaining a grip but keeping his finger clear of the trigger for the moment. He’d been meaning to pick one of these up at some point.

“I’ve always got a plan.” Admittedly, this was one of his crazier plans. And maybe it wasn’t a plan, so much as the beginnings of one. But if he was going to have to work with this moronic outlaw, he may as well take advantage of the skills Nej did possess. “We’re gonna take the ship.” He stepped over—or on—the bodies littering the hallway, casually checking to make sure each of the hunters was actually dead as he passed.

“The captain is obviously in on this. I could care less who actually owns this thing. And we’ve got no way off right now. So we fight our way to the bridge and commandeer the ship.” Pal searched his pockets, looking for his room key. He then walked into what was his room, grabbed two Corellian ales out of the minifridge, then reappeared in the hallway and tossed one to his reluctant partner in crime. “Between the two of us, we know enough people that would pay a pretty price for a cruiser like this. Black Sun, Hidden Path, whoever wants to pay us.”

Pal popped the top of his bottle and took a long swig. “Whatta ya say?”


Nej Tane

 

[Nej Tane]

Nej thought for a while, taking the drink the man offered to him with a hint of introspection. And then a little more. A little more thinking. Infact, he was dead quiet for a moment, then took a large, swig of the drink, then downed the rest of the bottle, tossing it against the wall.

"But what if, we stole the ship, and then sold it to the Black Sun instead of making them our bosses?"

Nej failed to put together that "Commandeering a ship" was not the same as "Commanding" a ship. He just wanted the money, the thrill. Plus, an in with the Black Sun. Not that he hadn't tried. No, the Black Sun hadn't reached out to him. Probably were too busy.

(They thought Nej was a dangerous moron who shot more people than he needed to and was not a great addition to their team, actually. - Editor)

"And then you get your own schtick, pal! I'm the best known puckish rogue in the galaxy and I want it to stay that way."

Nej could have led with anything else, such as the fact that he was perhaps one of the fastest guns in the galaxy at the moment, but he wanted his supposed status to outweigh his actual capabilities.

Pal Veda

​

 

[Pal Veda]

“What the feck?” Veda reactively muttered to himself. He was simply amazed that Nej Tane had somehow managed to stay alive this long, especially given the fluctuating price that seemed to be permanently placed on his empty head. “You wanna be the best known puckish rogue, I ain’t standin’ in your way.” The more puckish, more roguish man took another long pull from his bottle then slammed it into the wall, as well — an act of solidarity to keep this insane disruptor wielding outlaw on his side long enough to take the bridge.

“How much of the ship have you explored?” Even though he was supposed to be here relaxing, Veda had instinctively mapped out a few sections as he’d wandered about. He had a decent idea of how to get to the bridge just based on his general understanding of ship design. Then there was the question of what sort of opposition they would face along the way.

Or now. Before his reluctant partner in crime could answer, he heard yelling, running, and, of course, blaster fire from one of the adjoining hallways. It was turning into a free for all around here. Luckily, that wasn’t the direction he intended to go, so he headed the other way and hoped Tane would follow.