Private Confessions

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti ​

Lysander stayed quiet, giving her the room to finish, even when some of the Togruta's words pressed against him in places already tender. She always carved out space for him, wherever the Covenant had flung him, in whatever rough shape he'd returned. But beneath that lay a darker knot; for all his efforts to elevate her influence, he always felt like she was left behind.

The idea that she needed to fight simply to stand inside something he wanted to build for them hurt more than he wanted to admit. Maybe Naniti never sought a crown, but somehow, he always kept trying to put one within reach.

Fingers turned beneath hers, catching softly along the side of her hand. His violet partner's smile reached him in two directions at once. Warmth and sorrow, woven through everything they survived together. "I don't believe anymore that everything worth keeping has to be paid for in blood." His thoughts were taking on a kind of unity, no longer feeling like arbitrary doubts. The Dark had schooled them both. Survival, the instinct to strike first. It never taught them how to live after the fighting stopped.

He always tried to keep the heavier parts of himself from settling on Naniti's shoulders. Better to give her the dinners, the laughter, the stolen pockets of ordinary life. At the time, chivalry seemed the obvious explanation. But now he was beginning to understand that care might mean something else..

"I may not know where I'm going, but I know I want you there." For a few seconds, he said nothing. Then he drew a slow breath. "I want a life where happiness gets to be ordinary for us. Somewhere that feels like home without another campaign waiting on the other side of it."

His gaze wandered to their intertwined hands. "I've always found you.. breathtaking when you're dangerous." There were too many memories to deny it. The recollection was bittersweet. Their very first training session in the Desevro Academy courtyard. Edic Bar sinking beneath them.. literally. "But you're something else when you're happy. You look.." He searched for the word as his thumb followed the line of her palm. "Free.. I think that's always been my favorite way to see you." Emerald light climbed back into view. "Can we try to find out who we are, without the Great War trying to write our story?"

 

[Naniti]

Happiness? That was... an interesting goal. Naniti knew Lysander came from a different world where happiness wasn't just a word. If someone would know what that looked like it'd be him. If someone like her had made that proposal she would have scoffed at the thought. But without another campaign on the other side? The Togruta gazed at Lysander trying to imagine what he hoped for them.

After all, he then said she looked breathtaking as a dangerous woman. Though he went on to say her looking free was his favorite view. Those very poetic thoughts so becoming of her Prince. Naniti felt like she didn't have the foundation to appreciate it as well she should. She did her best, however. Hopefully that showed somehow.

"I'll go wherever you do, Lys. I don't know what kind of challenge you have in mind that doesn't involve a campaign, but I've always wanted to see what you'd reveal next." She really couldn't fathom what he had in store for them. Join the Jedi? Like that wouldn't be another chapter in the 'Great War.' There'd be war on two fronts. Perhaps more.

If nothing else, she'd make sure to carve a path through any bramble bushes in Lysander's way. Perhaps help when it came to the Covenant. Naniti couldn't foresee this going smoothly with how careful he was to even broach the topic with her -- let alone someone like an Empress. She'd keep the outsiders from taking advantage of his desire for something... illuminating. After all, Naniti herself was seeking enlightenment concerning a Cosmic Engine. So there was always something other than battle. In theory.

"It's okay if you lean on me sometimes, Lysander. I certainly enjoy doing that in horse-driven carriages with you." So she combined metaphorical with literal, the gods could go grind their teeth about it.

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti​

The crowded feeling of all those half-formed explanations finally thinned, and the mental barricades came down with them. Naniti's commitment was an answer to a question he'd been turning over and over all evening, if not far longer. Part of him expected more questions, an argument, maybe even disappointment. Now there was only gratitude.

Fingers turned her hand until palms found each other and settled flush. "Just keep believing in me, Naniti," came quietly. "I'll try harder to remember that trusting you means letting you in sooner, too." His doubts thawed a little, letting a boyish smile settle back across his youthful features. "Wherever this leads, I promise I'll make it count. For both of us."

Maybe it was odd framing for affection, but logical enough after so many years under training lights. All those lessons drew a clear line between fighting alone and being the only one inside the ring. The right person in your corner spotted what exhaustion made you miss. They reminded you how to breathe, wiped away the blood, told you when you were getting careless, and always sent you back out believing there was still a fight left to win.

Knight. Emissary. Prince. Looking back over the past year, nearly every chapter seemed to trace back to her in some small way. With the violet Togruta in his corner, feeling unstoppable became more of a habit.

A shake of the head broke into a soft laugh. "Well, I seem to remember a rather suspicious amount of mutual leaning in that carriage." Eyes narrowed with accusation. "History certainly favors your version."

Pushing off with the uninjured ankle, he shuffled the stool one scrape at a time around the island. Not exactly dignified, but.. eventually the space beside Naniti was reached. "Better double-check I've got the right terms," he murmured while his shoulder brushed gently against hers. Then Lysander gradually leaned into her a little more, coaxing a curl at one corner of his mouth. "There."

His gaze dropped to her half finished meal. "You should eat before it gets cold," he added, nudging the plate a little closer. Those vegetables sat conspicuously untouched. And that drew a sideways glance. "I know exactly which part of that plate you've been avoiding."

 

[Naniti]

Naniti felt a storm of emotion within, but also a desire to hold on to Lysander. He hadn't betrayed her. Keeping such things from her... hurt, but he was talking now. She wanted him to talk. There was no way to understand if she didn't hear why. Where things were headed.

His touch helped reassure her he was still there, and not already out the door. That this wasn't some sort of goodbye. The Togruta didn't know if she could handle that. Naniti was well-disciplined, but that didn't mean she was emotionally stable when stressed beyond reason.

"Keep me close. I'll protect you." Wherever it lead? There were plenty of follow-up questions, but she wasn't certain... if she started asking -- when that dam broke -- she might not know how to stop. Lysander already looked out of sorts. He looked how she felt. Naniti only hoped Lysander couldn't tell; she wanted him to keep talking.

A soft laugh followed his stare. Nothing wrong with mutual leaning. Actually, Naniti liked that. He shouldn't feel like she was so insecure he had to keep things back. That she couldn't handle it. She could handle quite a lot, actually. Even if she felt like him leaving her would cause her to lose her mind. On the other hand, there was nothing wrong with him favoring her leaning more either. It didn't sound like he was complaining.

Her eyes widened slightly as Lysander started to scoot the stool from one side of the island to the other. Obviously, she tracked him and gave him a quizzical look for having done something so absurd. Was it... cute? Was that the right word?

At last, when he leaned in, Naniti didn't hesitate in returning the favor with a smile on her lips. "That is better," she agreed. Familiar too.

A soft huff followed. "How is it my fault they don't taste... as good as meat?" Vegetables didn't exactly taste good at all. "Still," she muttered, "you did add some flavor to them. They aren't all bad." She picked up a fork to skewer a piece.

"Lys," she looked over at him before even lifting the vegetable off the plate, "what is it you're looking for? Wherever it leads... It's a large galaxy. You have something in mind, don't you? Just a matter of finding it?"

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti​

Lips quirked at her approval. "Better, yeah?" Lysander's smile softened helplessly at the sight of hers. Shoulders lifted in a small shrug while watching the fork prod at the abandoned vegetables. "I know.. you could still give it a whirl." His voice dropped. "Just a little more? For me? Practicing it could turn it into a healthy habit over time, maybe.." Of course, that was easy to say. Naniti made everything seem manageable. "I mean, if vegetables ever tasted as good as meat.. well, you'd have no reason to let me cook for you again, right?"

When her questions arrived, guilt prickled once more. Already taking comfort that hadn't been repaid with clarity. Inside, thoughts raced ahead of the tongue. Beneath the ease, could he really believe transformation was that simple? Just decide to be better and better. Lysander realized, silently, that he was stalling again. Still answering around the things that actually mattered. She'd answered the question that frightened him most, and he'd seized it as cover.

"Somewhere with structure, somewhere stable," murmured eventually, gaze dropping to the countertop. Behind the Blackwall would mean structure, certainly, with the imperialistic nature of the Order. But the heart pulled another direction entirely. Toward family. Proximity that didn't require lightyears of justification. "I don't think I'm looking for somewhere without rules. Maybe that's the strange part. I think.. I want rules that actually mean something now."

The knot of fear returned anyway; this time the feeling pulled tighter. While mulling it over, an arm looped around hers. He leaned forward, letting that arm rest on the kitchen island, his chin tucked down against it. For a moment he just gazed at her plate, saying nothing.

When he finally turned his head, his cheek ended up against her forearm, eyes lifting to hers. While searching the depths of blue, he was also searching inward for an honest answer. "I need a life where I know my responsibilities.. and enough stability that doing it well.. actually matters. I don't want to wake up every morning wondering what I'm supposed to become next."

Being Point Emissary for the Covenant wasn't half the glory it pretended to be; he doubted anyone ever bothered to look at it up close. The work bordered on impossible, impressive only from a distance.

A slow swallow gathered at his throat. "And if I'm being selfish, Naniti? I want to know who I'm coming back to." Of all the hazy parts of that future dream, that part was the clearest.

 

[Naniti]

Naniti side-eyed Lysander for a moment as he tried to encourage her to eat more of her vegetables. "You know, my digestive tract isn't made for a lot of vegetables. There's plenty of nutrition in meat. Long as you don't overcook it," she explained. Carnivorous species weren't built to eat everything like omnivores. An excess in plant fiber wouldn't do any of them any good. "My diet is already a healthy habit." She gently rocked into Lys to rebuff his health claims.

Her blue eyes blinked and she looked over at Lys with a mildly twisted expression on her lips as she chewed. The look had been there before he even started to respond. The Torgruta really was trying to get the vegetables down she'd skewered, but it was easy.

Rule that meant something? By the time she forced herself to swallow, however, he continued before she could ask what he meant. Naniti's training had plenty of rules. She'd seen plenty of Acolytes cut down for breaking them too.

Naniti gaze down at him as he laid his head atop her arm. Knowing... huh? That made sense. Not knowing where you stood or what you were supposed to do wasn't a pleasant way to live. Maybe... sometimes she might have felt that way before meeting Lysander. She'd ignored it. Tried to focus on obtaining information well outside of her reach. But, really, where had young Naniti fit in the grand scheme of things?

"Me." There was no hesitation in her response. It hadn't even been a question, but she answered it anyway. A smile spread over her lips despite the obvious question about where such a worry might come from. Obviously Naniti would be there. "Long as we have each other, Lys, we'll carve some out for the two of us. Just tell me how I can help."

"I can't say there are a lot of options though if you want something grand. A few factions here or there. Could go for something smaller," though her tone did have a hint of doubt there. Could they, really? Like some kind of local or planetary deal instead of an interstellar one? Lys had ambitions. Maybe they were a little mixed up at the moment, but she doubted he'd be content with bit-players. "Wouldn't be hard to slip into the Order's territory either." Thought of going to the Mandalorians or the Republic obviously hadn't come up. Even with her earlier inclinations believing where Lys was headed, offering the Republic as an option was just... No, it was absurd. And if he hadn't brought it up then maybe she'd been off base the whole time. Just paranoid.

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti​

Lysander's eyes narrowed, his breathing slowing a little. Something in the way her answer landed just caught differently than he expected. He let the moment settle. She made it sound terribly simple. It didn't feel so simple to him, even from where he was sitting now. His internal world was anything but lately. He had doubted himself around her before, of course, that rare, familiar friction that came with caring enough not to misstep with someone who mattered. But this was the first time caution turned inward until even his own judgment was difficult to trust.

A deeper exhale left him, and he found himself nestled against her arm. "Naniti, the trouble is I don't even know what I'm allowed to ask of you anymore. Watching you have to live with every mistake I make while I'm still trying to figure out who I am.. I can't stand the thought of that."

His gaze slipped aside and down. "I hate how much this hurts." Saying it out loud only made the ache sharper. "I always told myself if I could take the hit, it was fine. It was my call, my consequence. I'm starting to get that it doesn't work like that anymore. I'm learning in the worst way that my decisions don't end with me." Few things cut deeper than understanding that the fallout from his decisions might reach her long before he ever learned how to protect her from it.

The idea of some small faction didn't interest him. Too small to hold what he wanted to build, too fragile to mean anything if it couldn't last. He looked back to her when she mentioned the Order. "There will always be space for us behind the Black Wall." Arguably the 'safest' place in the galaxy, in Lysander's opinion. Life there carried its own ugliness, though. Poverty was built so thoroughly into the Order's hierarchy that it became part of the scenery.. visible in every direction, in the very way people learned not to look up for too long. At least, never toward the Sith who stood above them.

"The Mid Rim's crossed my mind." Lysander exhaled through his nose. "For different reasons, I think. Beyond that.. I just don't know yet."

A quieter pause followed. "I know I haven't made sense of much lately, but there is one thing I've wanted you to have with you, wherever we end up. After dinner." He straightened slowly. "I've spent so much time worrying about what I might put you through, and so little time asking what it is you actually need from me. Tell me what I've been missing."

 

[Naniti]

What he was allowed to ask of her? Naniti watched as he made himself comfortable along side her. It was pleasant having him so close. Could almost make her think they shouldn't worry so much about outside and just kind of... you know, curl up on the couch and just watch the skies. But, no, Lys had some big thoughts and she'd make sure to hear them.

Was he afraid of some kind of blowback on her based on what he did? But... that kind of circles back around to where they started. With crazy ideas of... well, he wasn't talking about them, right? They'd already teased that idea and stepped back from it.

Then Lysander started to straighten as his worry turned away from what might be and toward her. Naniti lifted her freed arm then to drape about his shoulders. No need for him to think about pulling away now. And this was a bit more comfortable -- at least for her.

"I need you not to worry so much. I mean it. You should think of me, and we should make decisions together, Lys, but things happen. Some good. Some bad. But if we worry so much about the bad things that might happen we'll never enjoy the good things." Maybe this was all the wrong advice she could be giving, but she didn't like the way he seemed so torn up. So divided within himself on a decision somewhere inside him.

A soft snort followed. "What I need from you... is for us to explore the galaxy together. Like we always have. Attend outrageous banquets. Prowl forbidden streets. Narrowly escape forgotten tombs. And, sometimes, just... enjoy... you know... being together." So she'd gotten a little self-conscious there referring to their ice-skating, carriage-riding, and other utterly frivolous and yet enjoyable activities. "You're the only one that matters to me, Lys. I'm not sitting on a Council with responsibilities to a secret cabal yet for you to worry about agendas."

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti​

The countertop turned suddenly fascinating. For all his earlier talk about closeness with Naniti, he couldn't shake the heat crawling up the back of his neck. Control slipped beyond his reach; Lysander's mind rehearsed those ugly sequences on loop again, arranging consequences, stacking one what-if upon another. His chest grew tight. One palm eased forward and pressed harder against the cool island. Everything had been dialed up a little too loud lately, but at least this gave his thoughts somewhere else to settle.

Fingers found the violet of her forearm, curling around it once before his weight eased sideways, letting his shoulder melt into her side. His lashes lowered. "I'm terrible at having something I don't want to lose." That wasn't to say he thought the Togruta fragile. Anything but. She could bloody the galaxy's nose perfectly well. They'd shared enough battlefields together for him to know better, and truthfully, he'd known it from the first day they'd met.

"Ever since we took the Core, my brain has made worrying a way of working.. like, if I picture every bad outcome in enough detail, maybe I'll somehow have earned the right to keep the good one. And with you, Naniti, there is a good one to keep. I'm still getting used to what that feels like."

"Now that we're.. this, it makes me do stupid things. I start thinking about what something might cost you and forget that you get to decide that too. I don't want to be that person to you. We've always been a team."

Turning toward Naniti, his focus narrowed; everything beyond her seemed to blur away. Worry still traced the lines of his face; beneath it, warmth glowed through. His lips parted around a breathless, helpless little smile. "Maybe I've been doomed since that first dance on Jutrand." One of those nights his mind never quite knew how to store properly.

The space between them slowly dissolved,until he hovered just shy of brushing her lekku. "There are still so many stars I haven't seen. So many worlds. I want to see them all with you."

 

[Naniti]

Attachments... made you weak. Naniti had heard it before. She'd even contemplated this very thing before in Lysander's arms months ago. "Good," she replied softly as he melted against her. "I don't want you to get comfortable with the idea of losing me." Naniti had decided then to accept breaking the rule of no attachments. That life... was worth whatever pain would come. Loss was worth it. Because being alone and the good little Sith would be a cold, dark existence devoid of purpose or awareness for anything not of immediate import. Lysander had drawn her out of that fate, and she hoped he'd cling to her in the same way she did him now.

She listened to Lysander talk of everything he'd done and all the weight he carried. How them being together made him fret the worst outcomes, and strive for the best. It... it really made her uncertain what to feel when he opened up like this. Sith didn't talk like that. Didn't feel like that. Even their romance was cut with diamond, forged in the heart of stars. Gentleness. Softly spoken, earnest words... Lysander always caught her off guard when he became so sweet in private.

When he expressed his desire to see all the stars and worlds with her, however, Naniti had nothing to say. Instead, her blue eyes on him, she just leaned in to close the gap and kiss him. Her hand lifted to slid about his shoulders to ensure their stability on the stools as she kissed him deeper. Rather than make a fool of herself with words, Naniti did what they were both good at -- taking action.

"We're not doomed so long as were together," she replied quietly after their lips parted. "There's nothing to stop us, now." Naniti had no idea what she meant, but a promise was a promise, right? Whatever happened they'd make it through because they could. They were strong. They were smart. And everyone else could shove off if they had a problem with it.

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti
​

Whatever thoughts had been running rampant through his head just before dissolved. For a half second, he did nothing at all, existing in the fact of the kiss, until instinct arrived late to the occasion and Lysander softened into her without reservation.

A helpless sound escaped against her as he moved, his knees just brushing hers. He didn't drift far at all after; his eyes fluttered open, already seeking hers again. By now, he knew better than to start stacking one confession on top of another. Or just turn himself inside out all at once. The wisdom required to resist that had been hard-won. But the impulse was still faithful and untimely as ever..

One palm slid up to cradle her cheek, fingers curling along the line of her jaw. In that small space, he searched her violet features. "As long as we trust each other, we'll be alright, Naniti."

His gaze dipped briefly to her mouth, then made its way back up to those familiar blue rings, watching for what she would give him in return. It must have sounded absurd from someone who had spent most of the night spiraling over every possible future. But a part of him was simply hoping the Togruta would laugh at him.. just a little. Any sign of amusement would've been nice. He possessed a strange gift for laying his heart bare while making a complete fool of himself at the same time.

Gently, his thumb traced the corner of her dark lips, almost trying to tease the smile into being.

Desire could make someone reach for another person, sure, but happiness made you want to remain after the wanting settled; maybe that was why he always found so many excuses to be around her. One more adventure, one more meal together. Whatever it may be, there seemed to be a greater abundance of it in Naniti's presence than anywhere else in the known galaxy, as far as Lysander had been able to determine.

"You're very difficult not to adore, you know." He tipped his forehead to hers first, resting there for a breath. Then, he closed that last sliver of distance and met her again in a tender press.

​

​

 

[Naniti]

Naniti met his eyes after the kiss; her expression softened as her hand rose to lay atop his while he cradled her cheek. It was reassuring to hear Lysander echo her thoughts aloud. The galaxy? Screw it. Long as she had Lysander, they'd find a way. It was nice having a reason to crush their enemies for something other than a demonstration of her own power.

With the way he gazed at her with those large, green eyes, Naniti found herself chuckling. She couldn't put a finger on why. It just seemed... like he was expecting something, but she couldn't even imagine what more. Instead, the Togruta pressed her forehead against his again. "You and me, Lys. We'll take anything on, together." They'd take on a god if they had to. Why? Because that's what they're committed to doing. Made as much sense as anything else in life.

Then Lysander decided to take advantage of the moment, and Naniti didn't try to stop him.

"Lys," she breathed when their lips parted, "just remember, if we do this, we have to talk to one another. Share our concerns. Plot our strategies. Whatever it takes. You're worth it." If he kept trying to hold everything in so it didn't hurt her, Naniti felt like it'd only end up hurting more. Like it'd been hurting Lysander all this time as he grappled with all those thoughts on his own. Confessions among Sith were few and far between; you could never be certain whom you could trust. But they trusted each other, right? He needed to take advantage of that and let her help him.

Lysander von Ascania

 

[Lysander von Ascania]

Naniti​

They parted just enough to breathe, and a sigh escaped him. Restraint trembled beneath the surface; holding back was not easy when every instinct still wanted to spill everything at once. How much of that unsaid territory would actually better their time together tonight was another question entirely.

"I'm trying to be better," was all that slipped free. His chin lifted just enough to brush a kiss to her forehead. "If I start trying to carry everything alone again, don't let me get away with it."

Fingers found the space between her jaw and the fall of her lekku; they rested there against the warmth of her skin. There would be other dinners, Lysander told himself. Other nights. Better opportunities to tell her everything he was carrying. He was starting to see that trust wasn't forcing everything into a single moment but believing there would be time. Believing she'd still be there to listen later. Even if the Covenant always had ways of putting distance between them.

Safety was not a concept Lysander typically linked to the life he led; beside Naniti, it felt real. This was a part of himself he doubted even those nearest to him had ever witnessed. Most people only knew the Emissary, the Sith who never shied from a confrontation, who always had a counter for whatever was thrown at him. Odd, then, that his most difficult adversary was the one inside himself, even after countless hours devoted to mastering his own nature.

"Give me a little more time, Naniti. I'll feel like myself again soon." By himself, he meant the fire in him that seemed quieter of late. The ambition, easy sociability, even the colder edge that never balked when violence became necessary. That Lysander was still there somewhere. The same one who, back then, was already beginning to fall for her.

The thought drew an embarrassed smile from him; he closed his eyes again and let his posture go, more of his weight settling against the Togruta. Maybe that was the other thing he was learning, slowly, with her. How to let someone see the parts of him that had nothing clever to say.

 

[Naniti]

"And you don't need to be everything, Lys. Just be yourself. That's real freedom." Not that she could shelter him from the horrors of being surrounded by Sith. She didn't want to. The trials and tribulations of the Dark Side were a test that could make Lysander stronger. But, like any whetstone, overused it could also ruin his edge. Naniti could be the monster; she'd been forged that way since childhood.

She relaxed against him as he folded into her embrace. It was both extremely uncomfortable, but also indescribably pleasant existing like that with someone else. Naniti was... happy to have someone like Lysander so close. Someone to talk to. To listen to. Someone with more than plots on how to annihilate all life. Diversity, as they said, was the spice of life... even if all roads led into Darkness in the end.

Given the way the conversation had begun, there was a great swell of relief as they just held one another in that moment. No need to bluster. No boasting. Just them. The galaxy could wait until tomorrow; and if had a problem with that she'd help it learn to respect their time together.

A smile touched the violet Togruta's lips as she felt Lysander breathe against her.

Lysander von Ascania