Coming To Terms With Consequences

[Eenia Vahn]

Getting back into training was not something that Eenia was looking forward to what so ever. Before everything had happened, she had reached a point where she was nearly done with all of these lessons and such. She had gotten her lightsaber, she was ready to move on and take that next step in her life. And then she had taken a serious detour and her path fell apart all around her.

There were consequences for every action.

And boy was Eenia facing the worst of consequences. More than once she had been told that what she had gone through was not a means of justification for what she had done, but it certainly did not feel that way. One misstep and everything she had, had was gone. Her sister might as well have been gone, her partner in everything was gone, her lightsaber was gone, and something much more precious than any of those things combined was gone. So trying to convince her that those losses weren't Karma coming back to bite her in the rear was more or less a waste of breath.

Which was part of the reason she had been avoiding training like the plague. After everything she had done, she hadn't been ready to face the one person who had attempted to help keep her on the right path when she was spiraling out of control - not to mention the one who had come and gotten her after the incident with Anora. Add that to the medical orders about physical activity, and Nia had just merely avoided it. Now however she was cleared medically, and there was no longer an excuse to put any of it off. Her body had become stiff with the lack of physical exercise, and while she was still sore by some means, she knew getting back to training would help that immensely.

Nia stood in the training room, hands braced against her hips with her fingers nearly digging into them through the fabric of her pants. There was still a part of her that didn't want to be here, that wasn't ready for this encounter, but it needed to be done and over with. So she remained put, waiting for that moment when she was no longer alone in the room.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh wasn't surprised that Kahlil had ditched Eenia, to be blunt. Once a Zambrano, always a Zambrano he always said. He hadn't seen Kahlil since, and he wasn't surprised at that either. It was what it was, but between this and her sisterly drama, there was a lot to deal with. She'd also apparently done a bad thing but Josh wasn't all too familiar with the details and would need to survey them later and try to figure out what to do. Needless to say, teaching duty was going to be difficult for a little while yet. What he had known was that some things had happened that had kept her physically off the shelf for awhile. He had some guesses but didn't pry. She would bring them up if she felt it right.

Not that he saw much of her. Even before the physical diagnoses, she'd avoided him and he knew it. He didn't know why but he had decided to give it patience for the time being. And finally he had been informed she was ready to return to training. A session had been scheduled, and the Jedi Master would gingerly walk into the training room to find that Eenia had gotten here first. Watching her for what felt like several minutes, he studied her face. Finally, he just nodded his head. There was only one thing he could think of to fend off rust.

He snapped his fingers and the holograms he had programmed for this session based off what he'd designed based off her rust sprang to life as turret droids. Holding out a hand, a training lightsaber would fly from the rack to his hand before he flew it to Eenia. The moment the saber flew toward her, they would begin firing stunning shots...

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

Eenia felt the approach of her master before she saw him come in through the doors, and the young woman steadied herself with a deep breath. She did turn when he came into the room, and her hands positioned themselves behind her back. Nothing was said, nothing needed to be said and they both seemed to know that fact with nothing more than eye contact between them. Then Nia's attention shifted when the holograms sprung to life, and her brow pulled down in the middle slowly.

Once again her gaze shifted, this time in favor of the training saber that was flown her way. She eyed it, and caught it once it was close enough, then hissed through her teeth as she just barely shifted out of the way in time of the shots fired at her. The training saber came to life with a flick of her thumb and the next set of shots fired at her were deflected - not easily mind you, but she deflected them none the less.

She was definitely out of practice and could feel it in the way her body resisted the way she wanted to move. There was also a mental barrier in the way, keeping her from using the Force in ways she had learned in her times before- well, just before. It frustrate her, immediately, and it was evident on her face as she continued to deflect shots and occasionally - and at least - use the Force to shield herself when need be.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She was lagging behind a bit, but she at least still had some reflexes remaining from her time before she slacked on her training. The Jedi Master nodded his head to signify his approval. "Close your eyes" He called out behind the blaster bolts. "Feel the Force in you and relax. Your mind continues to be clouded needlessly. Let go, and let your instincts and body act as one."

As if on cue, a stray blaster bolt that had missed her ricocheted off the wall and nearly hit the Jedi Master in the side of the head. As if to illustrate his point, he moved his head slightly to the side, the bolt narrowly missing by a hair and stopping when its programmed time ran out as it disappeared.

He knew Eenia was capable, but her prior issues would only get her cut down if she let them rule her. Here and now, she needed to learn to relax again and allow her own attributes to shine through without distraction.

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

It wasn't that easy. He had absolutely no idea how hard such a simple sounding request was for Eenia. Letting the Force back in...that was a floodgate in and of itself just waiting to come undone. And it was all because of a single connection she had, had through it. However, Nia also knew that bond had been severed, unfortunately it was a nearly tangible, traumatic fear that it had somehow reformed that had kept her at bay all this time.

And yet the young woman closed her eyes and inhaled a shaky breath through her nose. For a moment she held it, let that fresh breath run it's course, and then she exhaled slowly through her mouth. She had to let all of this crap go, she had to. Yes, she had been changed forever in a variety of ways due to a plethora of situations and people. But there were other people, new people even, and she needed to stop just listening to advice and actually heed it.

So again, she breathed slowly, this time a little more steadily. There was still discomfort in all of this, but Eenia knew she would work through it or learn to live with it. Either way, it was time to press on.

Hesitantly she reached, not physically of course, but it was almost an immediately reconnection with the Force. Nia had never done anything slowly when it came to her Force capabilities, and that was due to the all too natural connection she had always had with it. There was a visible, body deflating sigh as she gave in and let the Force flow through her once more. It wasn't quite like feeling whole again, but it was as if a large part of herself had woken up for an overly long and disorienting sleep.

After a moment, her eyes came open and the oceanic orbs gazed across the way at the Master in the room. Again Eenia sighed, but it was quicker sort through her nose before she nodded her head. "I can do this." she stated, even though she was more than aware of the fact that he knew she could. She had needed to say the words aloud for herself, not for him.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh knew it would be hard. Eenia had been damaged both physically and mentally with her recent traumas. But he also knew Eenia well enough to know that he could do it. That she would be able to pull this off. He watched patiently as she tried to fight her transgressions and very quickly she seemed to begin reconnecting with the Force. Not entirely, mind. But she had done so far more quickly than even he had expected. But he knew she could do it, and he nodded his head to signal his approval. She still appeared to be struggling, but he knew that he could make this happen.

I can do this, she said. And he agreed her with.

Hitting the button again, he let the holographic bolts fly at her once more.

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

It was like a switch had been flipped. It wasn't to the extent of being how things had once been because naturally Eenia's body was still out of practice, but that connection with the Force was there. Her focus was there. Her stance was there. Granted, Nia would be the first to admit that it wasn't exactly comfortable. Her body wanted to resist the movement, to return to her slack posture and drop the training saber in her hands, but she didn't.

When the bolts began to fire again, the ignited blade moved through the air to deflect them. There was still a roughness, a stiffness to her movements, and it caused the blonde to grit her teeth in frustration. But rather than drop the blade and stop, she shifted her stance and a moment later Nia was standing a little more to the side from where she had been, and she brought a shield up to deflect more bolts.

She had told herself a million times that she would never use the moves he had taught her ever again, but what good was that? It wasn't the information's fault, or the ability's fault that things had turned the way they had. And the ability to move the way she could, embrace the Force the way she did, it was valuable. She couldn't let something valuable go to waste due to the situation that had come after.

And just because she had protected herself, Eenia didn't drop the saber, nor did she stop attempting to deflect the bolts until they eventually stopped firing. Even then, she kept her defensive stance at the ready, breathing hard as she waited to see if it was really over or not.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She was still rather rough around the edges, but it was clear that Eenia was picking this back up quickly once pushed and once given the idea that she could indeed pull it off. He was happy to see her already getting back on her feet. She needed this, he knew. She needed to find her way and be herself and move forward without the influence of her ex. Without continuing to be dominated by her past.

Eventually the bolts stopped coming, and he motioned for the machine to turn off. "Enough" He spoke up, nodding his head in approval. "Good. You've gotten your mojo back a bit. This is good progress."

But he knew that eventually, they would need to talk about her troubles. Training her would help, but there was a mental block to get over and he wasn't sure if training alone would do that. So he sat down on the chair nearby and motioned for her to sit with him to rest.

He let out an exhale, knowing what was coming next.

"I can't recall. Have I told you before that I was in a similar situation to yours, some time ago?" He inquired. "You and your sister were still training under me at the time, if I recall as well."

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

Eenia wasn't stupid enough to drop her guard until the mechanism was turned off. Only then did her stance relax and the saber switch off in her hand. And then the blonde girl made a face, and she shifted uncomfortably, this way and that, moving her arms here and there as she followed her master to the seating that was then offered to her.

She sat with a huff, not out of exasperation but because she hadn't had a work out like that in quite some time, and it showed. But she didn't have long to focus on her tired frame, and all at once she felt her gut twist and her muscles tighten with the urge to get up. But she didn't. She stayed put for the moment.

"I don't think so," she answered, and while the mention of her sister again caused her gut to twist, it wasn't in anger. There was guilt there, in her face and in the way she shifted her gaze to the floor between herself and Josh. "Though for some reason I'm not at all surprised..."


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"As you know, I have a son, Jason" He responded, letting out a sigh as he stared forward, not seeming to be looking at anyone in particular. "But at one point, I also had a wife. We lived together outside of Kashyyyk, away from the Rest. It was our place to be human beings, a real family. Where we could raise Jason the right way. But one day, when Jason was two, she left. We don't know why she left, she just... Did. Abandoned me, abandoned Jason. And it destroyed me. I blamed myself, searching through anything I could in my head to figure out where it had gone wrong, and why she had left. There hadn't ever been any problems in our marriage, it just came out of nowhere. I kept telling myself that perhaps I just wasn't good enough. That I wasn't worth staying with even with Jason around, and that she was better off without me.

And everything that came after that was a reminder of her leaving. And everything that came with it. We had to move out, and move to the Rest. As I didn't want Jason to grow up a Jedi at the time, not wanting him to be exposed to that sort of thing... That wasn't what I wanted. And it wasn't where Jason was used to being. But we had to. Someone had to watch Jason while I was away on mission, as my wife was no longer around to do so.

And it was awful."

His brows furrowed a bit, with some bitter feelings still lingering under the surface as he brought it up.

"Jason is... Special. And he wasn't ready to be separated from both his parents, but I had a job to do and an obligation to keep. But leaving Jason at the Rest with caretakers was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And Jason did not do well there. He had serious separation anxiety and never slept, it got bad to the point that most times I had to be contacted to sing him to sleep. I felt like a complete utter failure as a father, just as in my eyes, I had failed as a husband. Things spiralled for me from there. I couldn't train like I used to, my mind wasn't as sharp as it was. I let it consume my life, and I let it weaken me. Eventually it completely broke down, and I regret that to this day, knowing that there are more lives I could have gone out there and saved if I'd managed to come back sooner -- instead of becoming a depressed alcoholic that sought out thrills and women in hopes of filling a void I couldn't fill and when I realized I couldn't fill it -- just using it to distract myself from the pain. Chasing it like a drug."

He took a deep breath. "It took me a long time to move forward. But I did. There is always a light at the end of these tunnels... But when I got my head back on my shoulders, I trained hard. I yearned to be me again, because there were people relying on me. People I could help, people I could save if I just act. What happened will forever be a part of me. But I learned to treat it as a lesson... As an experience. And not as what defines me. I refused to let it hold me back any longer, and I became better for it. Now I have some semblance of a family once more. It's okay to be human, sometimes. People forget a lot that most Jedi are human, with real human emotions and feelings... But they're there. It's okay to feel them, it's okay to have to deal with them. But always remember why you are here, and why you do what you do. And that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... You just gotta keep digging toward it."

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

There was quiet from Eenia, and in that moment the empty expression she had gained through everything was there in her face. No frowns, no furrowed brow, no frustration, anger, or sadness. There was nothing. And for quite a long time, she sat there in her seat across from her master this way. The subject at hand she knew was ultimately about her being able to pick up the pieces and move on - and he was right. Nia was getting further along every day, proving the statement to be true enough.

But there were things that she couldn't let go of. Things that ate her up inside. The real reason she had fallen so far, and so deeply into herself and away from anything and everything else.

The lids closed over aquatic eyes, and Nia exhaled very deeply and very slowly through her nose. "It was my fault." she stated. Her eyes then came open, and she spoke again before those words could be taken out of context. "Not with what happened with him, I don't care about that anymore." Well she did, but not in the same way she had cared before she had reached this point of clarity. "And while I can take most of the blame for what happened with Anora, that isn't it either." Her hands had rested against her thighs, and now her fingers rubbed roughly back and forth against the fabric of her pants, gripping it occasionally as emotion started to creep in and she clung desperately to her control over it.

"I wasn't strong enough," she finally let out, and her fingers curled against her thighs now. "My body, my mind, none of it. I wasn't strong enough to protect the only thing that should have immediately had my full focus and attention. I was too weak to prioritize my focus, and my body wasn't strong enough to withstand the stress or trauma it went through due to my lack of focus." She hitched a breath, then nearly whispered her next words in fear of her voice cracking if she spoke aloud. "Losing the baby was my fault..."


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Now he understood. He let out a sigh as he hanged his head, closing his eyes. Losing a child was not a feeling he could emphasize with, and he hoped he never would have to. But as a father... He got it, in a way. He worried for Jason all the time. Had worried for him even before he was born. Losing him would be... God. Losing him would be the absolute end of the world for him at any point had it happened. And the fact she was still going despite losing the baby was a miracle in of itself. He just wished he knew what to say, how to help. But he knew that this was not something he could fix.

"It was my fault, too" He decided on. "I wasn't strong enough to handle it the right way, and be who I needed to be for Jason. The downward spiral I had was on me, no matter what happened to facilitate it."

He scratched his head. "Everyone has moments, times of weakness. And that usually never goes away. I wish I could take it all back, make it all better, for... Things happened. And there isn't anything that can be done. But there is one thing you can do. And that's be better for next time. I don't know if that helps at all, but... At the least, you aren't alone on this path."

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

"It feels like a lonely path a lot of the times." Eenia stated, though much more quietly than she had been speaking before. She wasn't an idiot, she knew she wasn't alone. She knew that she had people who were there for her, people who would stand by her, and help her through whatever it was that she needed their support for. It was why she hadn't run when all hell broke loose. It was why she was still here now, why she had pulled through, and why her inner scales tipped back to the lighter path instead of teetering on the edge of the darker one.

But that didn't change the fact that there were times when she still felt utterly alone. There were times when that loneliness threatened to consume her, no matter how much she thought about the people who had helped to pull her through all of this.

But she sighed, and shifted so that she could rake the fingers of one of her hands roughly through the locks of her hair. "Despite everything," she sighed out, "I'm ready to put the work in once again." She was here, she was ready to get back on track. Whatever she had to do.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"I know it does."

He spoke those words softly, brown eyes darting down to the floor for a moment. It really did. The whole path felt so lonely, so isolated. And for him, for a time it really was. It wasn't until he met Scherezade and while at first she made it worse, he grew to rely on her for support. It helped him reach out and get the help that he needed. From Arisa, from Allyson, from Asaraa, from Madalena, to Ra. People stepped in once he reached out, and he was finally able to rebuild the life that he had thought lost forever. But god, was it so hard to get to that point. And at times, even with help... It really did feel lonely. Not everyone he approached on the matter could even begin to understand, after all. And in the end... It really was a trial that he had to get past himself.

After her last words, while he didn't know if it would be the best thing, he gingerly reached over and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Pulling her into an embrace, he rested his chin on her head. He didn't know if it was wise considering she was likely a bit distrusting of people right now, but he wanted to show he was there, to show support in some measure.

"I know" He whispered. "And I'll do everything in my power to help you get to wherever you need to be."

[member="Eenia Vahn"]

 

[Eenia Vahn]

The touch of a hand didn't seem to phase Eenia all that much, but when she was tugged into an embrace that seemed to send a shock through her frame. She stiffened sharply, and was still as she seemed to assess the situation for only a moment, then her body relaxed with a sigh and she folded. It was insanely difficult to handle all of this alone, so to have someone to lean on, even if just for a moment? It was definitely welcomed and clearly needed - whether she liked it or not.

Though, she had said she was ready to fully commit to getting better, so this was a start for sure.

"I think," she eventually sighed out and she withdrew from the embrace. "That my biggest obstacle right now is physicality." That was by no means true, but she was working on the mental stuff herself, or trying to. "My body doesn't move like it should...." Scar tissue and just sitting out for too long had done it's work, thus meaning that Nia had her work cut out for her for sure.


[member="Josh Dragonsflame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Your body will adjust" He reassured her. "It'll just take time. When body and mind are not one, then there will be disrepancies. Your mind knows what to do... Your body isn't used to moving the way the mind wants to. Thus the body needs practice" He brought up. He didn't know how else to make her feel better except try and indicate that her situation would get better. Most likely it would. That was all he could think to bring up. He wished he could do more, but... As far as he could tell, this was all he could do in the short term.

"Muscle memory will speed the process. It won't be long, just longer than you'd like."

[member="Eenia Vahn"]