Private Burning Starlight at Both Ends

[Corazona von Ascania]

An unmarked light freighter drifted along the Daragon Trail, heading for Alliance Space. It bore no emblem, no affiliation, but the pair aboard the ship were identifiable as Jedi.

Well, at least one of them was.

"It'll take us at least a few days to reach the Core."

Cora and Shan hadn't spoken much during the trip, nor during their capture. Capture being a strong word for what their tenure on Thule had been. Did it count as imprisonment if your captor furnished you with a ship and let you leave? Guilt had been steadily building, weighing on her like the gradual but incessant drip of a faucet. It wasn't much at first, blinded by the fear, the anger, the willingness to do what she must in order to survive. Her history with Nwul was complicated – he'd offered her comfort in her most vulnerable moment, the circumstances of which sowed the seeds for her attachment to him. Then again, when he'd saved her and Shan from whatever torturous fate Jedi Padawans often faced at the hands of Sith. Shan had been relegated to the role of servant, while Cora had been cared for as a proper noblewoman.

Finally, she glanced away from the dials and readouts to Shan.

"You don't have to come, really. I could drop you off on Coruscant. I…"

Cora trailed off, her gaze drawn to the inky nullity of stars beyond the viewport. They had more than enough rations, even weaponry, gifted by Nwul.

She wanted to close her eyes, but every time she did, she saw Ukatis burning. Visions of civilians being gunned down in the streets of Axilla, of buildings, warped and crumbling under fire. The Force hadn't shown her who, but she knew it would happen soon.

"…I'm sorry, Shan. I never should have dragged you into any of this. We should have left sooner."

You fool. You've betrayed the Jedi, and now Ukatis will burn.

His handwritten message - Be Safe, Cora - was tucked away in her pocket.

Shan

 

[Shan]

Shan wasn't sure how to feel about heading out towards Galactic Alliance space again. There was far too much going on in his head, but he had to keep a steady pace of thought. Don't let his emotions get the better of him as he stood in the center of the freighter, focusing on his breathing as he practised his drills with his lightsaber and his blaster.

Swing. Dodge. Deflect. Fire. Focusing on what he could do, as opposed to what he couldn't. The only reason he had even stayed on Thule was to make sure Cora was alright. He didn't trust her with Nwul. Or well, Nwul with her. But how could he say that? How could he tell his friend, he didn't trust her to stay on the light by herself? That would feel like a betrayal. And the one thing Shan wouldn't do is betray his friends. Cora meant a lot to him. She was someone he trusted. So when Cora said she was going to Ukatis, Shan immediately signed himself up to go with her, instead of going back to the temple. Of course, he wanted to go back to the Temple. He wanted to be able to relax, after being in a nest of vipers for so long but he couldn't abandon Cora. Or Ukatis. He wasn't able to help with purifying the Force Nexus, but he would be able to help now as he kept focusing on his drills.

"Don't. You aren't going to be able to convince me to stay behind Cora. Ukatis is your home. Your family is there. And..."

His voice trailed off at that. Family. Something Shan didn't really have himself anymore now that he thought about it. He turned off his saber, attaching it to his belt before holstering his blaster as his mood had visibly deflated. Previously he had been determined. Now? He just seemed deflated. He was just slumped and slouched as he made his way over towards Cora. There was something up with his friend, he couldn't tell what. Shan was never good at reading people's emotions, but that didn't stop him from giving her a hug.

"Don't. Don't be sorry. Don't think we should have left sooner. I've...had similar thoughts in my own mind. My mother was captured and sold to slavers and I was too late to rescue her...but we aren't too late to save Ukatis. Or at least some of it."

The Mirialan just sighed at that, before stepping back, running a hand through his hair and debating whether or not to plaster a fake smile on his face before shaking his head. Cora would know that it was fake anyway so he just gave a small thumbs up before sitting himself down.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

This wasn't the first time they'd had this conversation. Cora must have asked Shan, over the course of the past few months, at least a dozen times if he'd like to leave.

Each time, he refused.

Each time, her guilt only grew.

She stiffened in surprise when Shan embraced her, still not quite used to platonic gestures of affection. Cora patted his back, brow furrowing in concern as they parted and the Mirialian took a seat beside her.

"Your mother was sold into slavery?"

Her voice wavered in disbelief. Shan occasionally spoke of the rough conditions he'd grown up under on Narr Shaddaa, but very little in the way of his parents.

Leaning back in her seat, Cora heaved a visible sigh. They were on the precipice of something deadly, and there was little they could do beyond waiting.

"Were you treated decently, at least?"

On Thule, she meant. Other Jedi hadn't been nearly as lucky as they had, but having an affair with a Sith Lord helped your chances at survival.

Shan

 

[Shan]

"Whilst I was with the Jedi. Yes. Master Kahlil convinced me to go back to Nar Shaddaa to see them and...I found out she was kidnapped. And then my father tried to shoot me."

Shan said that, as if it was the most common thing in the world. He had came to terms with the incident. Any anger he had felt towards the incident had faded away quite quickly. He had bigger things to worry about. Family was a complicated thing at the end of the day. Especially looking towards Cora's situation. He didn't know much about it, but at least he didn't have to worry about his family going up in flames with Ukatis...

"It's fine though. I have a new family. With the Jedi. With the Master Nobles, and with you. So your family problems, are my problems."

Either way, Shan turned his attention back over towards Cora as she asked if he was treated decently, and the Mirialan shrugged his shoulders, rubbing the back of his neck afterwards. Honestly, it could have been a lot worse if he had thought about it. If it wasn't for Nwul basically looking out for him because of Cora, Shan was sure he'd have been in a worse position. He'd probably have been kept locked up, instead of being used as a servant.

"I was...decently treated I suppose. Nwul said I could have enjoyed the party like you, if I had offered to escort one of the ladies there but...it feels wrong. Especially when I already have my interest in someone...Are you okay though? You might not have any physical injuries, but I can only imagine how you feel mentally. And emotionally."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"Good heavens, Shan."

-That was all she could say. His mother kidnapped? His own father trying to shoot him? She had no idea. Maybe she would have, though, if she'd taken the time to talk to him more on Thule. Shan's tone may have given the false impression that he didn't care, but it as the voice of someone who'd made his peace with atrocious circumstance.

New family. That concept struck a strange cord with her. Could one simply throw away an old family? Had it been easy? Difficult? Or could you have more than one family? She couldn't blame Shan for finding solace among the Nobles, among the Jedi. If anything, they would cherish him far more than his father.

Despite how she'd been treated by them, Cora couldn't turn her back on House Ascania, her father included. That was why they were here, drifting through the void of space. Ukatis had been the trigger.

"I will be alright. It's…" Cora started, a breath hissing lowly from behind her teeth. "…complicated."

Or maybe it was simple, and she added layers and strings in places they didn't need to be.

"I've known Nwul for…just about as long as I've known you, Shan. We first met on Ukatis after I'd had a particularly bad fight with Horace."

A flush of pink dusted her cheeks at the recollection of the crystal cave. Cora was not wholly unaware that he'd taken advantage of her vulnerable state, but the solace he offered had been alluring.

"Before the ritual on Thule, he was known as Wake Nayne. A traveling Sith scholar, a former Jedi. He was…kind to me when I was in a very dark place."

Her gaze flicked back to Shan, quietly gauging his reaction before she continued.

Shan

 

[Shan]

"He was the first person I hit out of anger. I almost shot him. Some days I used to wish I had...but that's not who I am."

Shan said rather simply, keeping his eyes focused ahead of him. Raising his hand ever so slightly to rub his knuckles. Had it been worth it? No. No. Far from it. As far as he saw it, he had killed his father in his eyes. The man he had left behind was no longer family to him, even as much as some days he wished it could back to the ways it used to be. But the past was exactly that. The past. He had to stay focused on the present and the future instead.

"I can understand it being complicated Cora. Most things are never as simple as they seem. Just know you are never alone. It is...simple to deal with physical pain and turmoil. But the mind and heart are harder to confront alone."

When did he become so supportive? Shan shook his head, breaking out into a small chuckle at his own thoughts before turning his attention back towards Corazona. Listening to her talk about Nwul...Or well, Wake as she now introduced him. If she was expecting him to judge her, she would be disappointed as he just carefully listened to her. Though a small smirk did spread across his face.

"I mean...At least you are fond of a Sith who was kind to you. I am...not the same in that regard."

It was strange. Admitting that he was fond of a Sith. But it was the truth, was it not? He wanted to help Nyaeli. He wanted to bring her back to the light side and help her deal with her pain. Was that same as being fond of her?...He wasn't sure. But he could understand where Cora was coming from, even though in a way, their situations could be described as complete opposites. Nwul was a potential lure for Cora to fall to the dark, whereas for Shan, Nyaeli was a reason for him to stay on the light.

"I faced her on Elom. She...tried to destroy my mind. Turned innocent people against me...I defeated her in a duel, and could have killed her...but I let her live. She left her lightsaber behind, and I've purified the crystal...I even bought her a pendant during the festivities at Eshan. So...trust me when I say I can understand how these things are "complicated."

At that, Shan rummaged around in his pocket, pulling out the pendant. A dark side and a light side on the singular pendant. A small smile spread across the Padawan's face as he looked at it before stuffing it back into his pocket for safe keeping.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"That's…a lot, Shan."

Cora's voice may have been soft, but it didn't betray her surprise. The first time they'd met, it was clear that the Mirialian had been struggling with his own demons, masking them behind healing hands and gentle words.

She felt like a bad friend for not seeing this coming. Still, that feeling was pushed aside in an effort to try and support Shan now. At first, all she gave him was a nod and sympathetic eyes before her gaze moved curiously to the pendant.

"What is it about her that you like?"

Shan

 

[Shan]

"Oh trust me. There's more. I had my birthday whilst we were captive as well. And instead of celebrating it, I just had to grin and bear the comments from the Sith. Ironically...I was used to them. There's been a few times where I've felt like other Jedi feel the same way about my actions as the Sith do."

The Mirialan shook his head at that, leaning back ever so slightly as he was trying not to dwell on the negativity. People weren't going to always agree with him, and he had to accept that. Shan had to focus on the positives of life. He needed to focus on the light. A small frown spread across his face either way as Cora asked what exactly he liked about Nyaeli.

"I don't know. Just...she feels alone. She's suffering. Master Kahlil and Valery took me to her homeworld...and I saw how they treat Force Users. I'm worried for her. She could have killed me when we fought. There were plenty of times during the duel...and then when I disarmed her, and offered my hand out to heal her, she could have killed me then and there..."

He sighed to himself at that, rubbing a hand through his hair to try and figure out what his opinions towards Nyaeli actually were. He did pity her, of course. But did it go past that? He clearly had some kind of positive opinion towards her, considering he bought the pendant, but he wasn't sure.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"They're quite arrogant, aren't they?"

A tired half-smile pulled at her lips, aware of the irony to her own statement. In contrast, Shan was gentle by nature, but remaining passive had allowed him to survive. A more headstrong Padawan would've been killed. They both knew that.

"We'll have to do something to celebrate your birthday once this is all…"

Ukatis was being invaded. Even if they survived, Cora wasn't sure what her next move was. Pray for reconciliation on Coruscant, or back to Thule where she could settle into the arms of a Sith Lord who'd doted on her? She recalled the way his fingers stroked her hair as she'd tearfully recounted her terrible visions to him, a pang of regret hitting her.

"…over."

Cora fell quiet when Shan went on to describe his feelings for the Sith who'd caught his interest.

"You want to save her, then?"

Shan

 

[Shan]

"I dunno. I've met a few other arrogant people in my life."

Shan broke out into a small smile, trying to tease Cora. Nudging her with his elbow ever so slightly to try and be a bit more... excitable. He was always trying to focus on helping other people, even when it came to trying to help himself, he'd happily help someone else instead. Which was what he was trying to do with Cora.

"We don't have to do anything for it. My birthday is just that. A day. What's more important is helping as many people as we can. There'll be people who need us, even after the battle at Ukatis is over..."

His mind was starting to wander at this point. Glancing over towards Cora, as he thought about how much pain she might be in. He was trying to figure out what was going on in her mind before he turned his attention away from her, linking his hands together for a moment. He had to figure something out to say. Something to do to help out Cora...

"...I do want to save her. Yes. But she isn't the only one Cora."

The Padawan glanced back over towards Cora, giving her a half hearted smile. He wasn't sure how she'd take what he was about to say, but he needed to get this off his mind.

"But there's you as well. I'm...worried about you Cora. The main reason I stayed on Thule, was because...I was afraid. Afraid that you'd prefer the company of the nobility there. Being treated like a Princess. I can understand wanting to be with people who value you or appreciate you..."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"Hm."

Cora caught Shan's glance, holding his gaze with her own from the corners of her eyes. Save her?

"But there's you as well. I'm...worried about you Cora. The main reason I stayed on Thule, was because...I was afraid. Afraid that you'd prefer the company of the nobility there. Being treated like a Princess. I can understand wanting to be with people who value you or appreciate you..."

For a while, she said nothing as guilt sank into the marrow of her bones. Shan had put himself in a potentially very dangerous position because she'd been…lovestruck? Curious? Foolish? It didn't feel right, to have dragged him into all of this.

Let her soul burn; not his.

---

"…and the capital was burning. Civilians fleeing gunfire, buildings crumbling to the ground. I've never seen anything like this…I've never had a vision be so vibrant, so real."

Breathing hard, Cora stared up at Nwul as he searched her face, his fingers tracing her cheeks. He knew that look, the haunting nature of the truth. The agony of a warning in the force so visceral it couldn't be unseen even if it was prevented.

Her fingers, curled into the fabric at his chest, clenched with white knuckles as if she were standing on the surface of Ukatis, helplessly watching her homeworld burn to cinders. Cora had seen war, but this was different. This was deeply personal.

He wrapped his arms around her, planting a gentle kiss atop her head as she rested against his chest.

"What is yours to love is mine, what would you have me do, Cora? Ask it."

Cora resisted the urge to close her eyes, knowing that if she does she'll only see the visceral future of Ukatis being torn asunder. "I need to be there. Even if I am burnt to ash along with it, I need to be there."

He nods quietly, staring into the middle distance with contemplation in his eyes. He strokes her head, kissing it once again before pulling back and looking her in the eyes.

"That goes without saying. But what help can I provide? Shall I call on a legion to send with you? My knights?" Gently, he slips his fingers beneath her chin, guiding het gaze back up. "Just ask me."

Cora bit her lip, hesitating. The resources at his disposal would undoubtedly be useful.

"I cannot take those from you, and bring them into the heart of Alliance territory. That could cause…" She shakes her head. "A ship. And your blessing. That is all I ask for."

His sad smile, his fingers stroking through her hair, would linger with her. Part of her did not want to leave, but she had to. For Ukatis.

"I'd weather the storm for you, but I understand..."

"You already have a ship. Use it. Be safe. I will be watching."

Flashback written jointly with Darth Nwul .

---

The memory left a bittersweet scorch on her heart. For the past few minutes, Cora had been staring out the viewport, gaze unfocusing on the vast field of stars that stretched beyond them.

"I know I shouldn't have." She murmured, but even her soft voice carried in the stillness of the ship. How could she talk about this, when she couldn’t put into words how she was feeling?

"He cares for me, and I care for him." Her eyes narrowed, squinting over his shoulder into the middle distance. She'd met Nwul during the most vulnerable moment of her life and he'd been sympathetic. How much of this had been borne from manipulation, and how much of it was genuine?

"I did enjoy his company. He treated me how I'd always imagined my future husband would. How I wished Horace would have. But I…"

Cora shook her head.

"I'm sorry that my actions made you fear for me. I never should have dragged you into this, Shan."

Shan

 

[Shan]

Shan kept himself quiet the entire time Cora appeared to be thinking to herself. Had he said something wrong? That was the complete opposite of what he had intended. Though he made no effort to try and push Cora to speak, letting the silence hang in the air as he turned his attention back to the vast emptiness of space ahead of him. A small frown spreading across his face when Cora finally spoke, shaking his head in her direction ever so slightly as the Mirialan sighed.

"No. No. You should have. It's fine. Emotions are a fickle thing. You needed support. He was there to give the support you needed. I can understand that you care for him, and he cares for you." Shan shook his head, reaching forward to put a hand on Cora's shoulder gently, trying his best to support his fellow Padawan as much as he could. He wasn't someone who would be mad at Cora for finding comfort in a Sith. Nwul did seem especially...friendly for a Sith as well, so he could understand her appeal.

"Whether you dragged me into this or not, I'd have been involved in some way or another. It's just...what I do. I'm there for my friends. I'll support you. Ko. Master Valery, Master Kahlil...You know in my first mission with Master Valery and Kahlil, I nearly chopped my hand off, since it got infected with some disease." Shan broke out into an awkward smile at that, mostly trying to give Cora some form of distraction from her thoughts as he leaned forward, staring back out into the emptiness of space. "That mission was also when I found out...there can also be bad Jedi. Jedi who take things to the extreme. They think protecting the light is more important than protecting the innocent...but I don't think that. Just because someone is a Sith, doesn't necessarily make them irredeemable."

He shrugged his shoulders afterwards, leaning back into his chair and breaking out into a cheeky smile. "Either way. This is mostly me being selfish. I don't want you to leave the Order to join Nwul, since then I'd be without one of the people I trust the most." Shan teased Cora slightly, once again just trying to act as a distraction, or finding a way to boost her mood.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

When Shan placed a hand on her shoulder, Cora flinched. The Mirialian had always been kind, but she hadn't expected him to be so understanding. The fact that he'd found himself attracted to a Sith likely played a part. Many of the Sith she'd encountered in combat had been violent masochists, but she'd learned that not all of them had been entirely stripped of their humanity.

It was complicated, when you found things in common with the people you were supposed to despise. At least, for the pair of Padawans.

"I can name at least three Jedi who'd lock us in a magma cell for this." A note of humor blunted her tired tone. She flashed Shan a flicker of a smile, but that too faded.

"Thank you, Shan. You've been a good friend to me, but I'm still going to apologize for getting you mixed up in all of this. I'm not sure where I'm going to go after things are settled on Ukatis – as much as I care for him, I don't think I'd have it in me to turn my back on the Jedi and the Light."

One corner of her mouth lifted into a distant sort of smile.

"Things were always black and white for me, growing up. I always knew who I was and what was expected of me. Now I…" She shrugged, not really sure where she intended to take this.

"Who was the bad Jedi you met?"

Shan

 

[Shan]

"Oh. I can think of one Jedi that thinks I need to be purified for even being near a Sith and not trying to kill them...Or at least I knew one." Shan shrugged his shoulders at that, breaking out into a small chuckle and hoping that Cora was alright. The flinch she had done when he touched her shoulder had concerned him ever so slightly but he was sure it was just something he was being paranoid about. He shrugged his shoulders once again afterwards, listening to Cora thanking him for being a good friend. Then he broke out into a grin, when Corazona said she wasn't going to turn her back on the Jedi.

"Now you don't know what way you're meant to turn. Do you do what's best for the galaxy? For yourself? For your friends? Do you protect the innocent? Do you protect yourself?" Those were thoughts that were also running through Shan's head, now that he was a Jedi. He was never sure if he was doing anything right. He knew that Cora had asked him another question, but he had stayed on topic for now. "I just...I think it's hard for us to decide what we need to do. There's not exactly a right way to be a Jedi now, is there?"

Shan chuckled at that, before frowning at Cora's question now that he took in it. "I...It was a while ago. When I became Master Kahlil's padawan. We rescued a Sith Spawn with Master Valery's help...and we were getting ready to help it...but there was Jedi who thought it needed to die. They burnt down parts of New Cov, to chase after the Sithspawn..."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"That's…an interesting point."

Cora's tone lightened thoughtfully. The Jedi Knights and Masters they trained with all seemed, in her view, so self-assured in their own path. It was comforting to know that she wasn't the only one struggling with the right way to be a Jedi, as Shan had put it.

Were they supposed to have some sort of big revelation, or was questioning their own code and conduct part of being a Jedi?

"Some sects have a very narrow definition of what a Jedi is. The NJO is more liberal, I suppose."

Cora's stomach tightened. Would she be allowed back?

The Nobles were the type to be amenable to second chances. She recalled early on, gathering with a crowd to watch Kahlil attempt to heal a sithspawn. That was different, though - a sithspawn often had no say in its creation, and Cora had made a conscious choice. One that may have been made under a sense of duress, but a choice.

"They burned down part of a city in order to kill someone's you wanted to help? That sounds…aggressive."

Shan

 

[Shan]

"I mean. My view of what a jedi should be is quite narrow. I feel like we should always be willing to protect people, no matter what. But unlike some of the more stern Jedi...I don't feel like everyone has to follow it. We all have our own code to follow." Shan shrugged his shoulders afterwards. As long as people weren't hurting others, he didn't mind what people did with their lives.

It was why he couldn't understand Jedi who would willingly destroy the environment or other people's dreams just to achieve their "goal". Shan shook his head, trying not to focus on that part as he looked back towards Cora, letting out a small half hearted chuckle when she pointed out how the story he had just said sounded aggressive.

"No. No. It wasn't the city. It was the forest. We had to rush off after him to save the Sithspawn. He duelled all three of us..." The Mirialan rubbed his hand through his hair, letting out a frustrated sigh at the memory. "...It gave me nightmares for a while afterwards. I kept imagining him bursting into my room whilst I was asleep and attacking me. But...now I'm okay with all of that."

Corazona von Ascania