Private Awakening

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

Oh great, this was why Colette should have just shut up like she usually did. Words were stupid, they tangled and twisted what she wanted to say each time she tried to make a joke or speak her mind. She bit her tongue and frowned for a moment.

And then she stopped altogether and backed out of the store.

"Okay, fine." She said and shrugged. "We can go to the main street thing. I'm not arguing about food."

And now she was making a scene. Oh, for fuc—

If Colette could scream internally, she would be losing her inner voice by now. Words, tone, it was all… Stupid as hell.

"Not that—" She exhaled. "I am not—"

She gritted her teeth.

"Sorry, I don't know how to—"

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

Lily instantly knew that a mistake had been made and she stopped, turning over to Colette. She raised her hand and moved it to cup her friend's face, holding the hand an inch or so away. "I want to hold your face and caress your cheek to reassure you as I talk." Lily explained, figuring that it could help if she was explaining what she wanted to do instead of making the bold moves and terrifying Colette all over again.

Looking into Colette's eyes, there was sympathy and no anger, "I enjoy our debates and arguments, I like you challenging me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. It is a character trait I find attractive, if I wanted to be around people pleasers, I would spend the time with them. Plenty of them around the galaxy."

"It isn't that I don't want to eat here or give your option a try. We are here and we might as well eat here and I am sorry for causing a stir about the food. I should trust your tastes more." Lily confessed, she might have dramatized her concerns a little too much, "but in the future... it would be nice if you considered my options for meals. I know you aren't someone who enjoys something that appears mainstream or food that will be overpriced. But think of it as me wanting to show you things I enjoy and me wanting to spoil you, someone I deeply care about."

Lily offered a smile, "I know you can get caught up in the moment, in your plans and fixate on them. I love that, but it can be tough when I also feel like my idea is just as valid and fun." She gave a slight sigh, "but know that I always mean well when I tease you and I enjoy when we get silly heated disagreements."

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

Lily got a small nod of permission as Colette closed her eyes to listen to what she had to say. It all made sense. Even if there was an attempt to ease the impact of the words that were spoken, Colette felt her head redden in response.

"I know." She muttered and frowned, head gently shaking as she slowly opened her eyes. "And… They are. Your plans. I mean."

There was perhaps some truth to what Lily had said. The stench of fish didn't exactly lend itself naturally to a somewhat intimate moment such as this, and especially given how confused one of them was.

Colette looked around the alley and reached up to brush her thumb and finger against her brows in frustration.

"Look, I-…" She stopped and gave it some more thought. "I'm willing to go."

"You're right. I didn't know that you had been there before, and I assumed it would be expensive because of where it was. I don't exactly carry a lot of credits on me and, well…"

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

As she saw the nod of permission granted, Lily cupped Colette's face in her hand and had her thumb slowly caress up and down the cheek. Lily stepped in close, keeping intimate and close with Colette. Not caring about the scene or impression the two made, just focusing on ensuring her friend knew that nothing they argued about would ever hurt their relationship.

"Glad you think so. I understand your concerns, I have started listening to you, I am not as basic of a foodie as I was before we met. Gosh, you would have hated the places I enjoyed when we first met, back then it was all about the price." Lily grinned, hoping that she could show Colette that her words, her ideals were not something to surrender. "So never think I just want you to do as I say, still plenty you can fight me on and I am sure there will be planets and cities where I will get distracted by a place that looks pretty or appears flashy that you will need to drag me away from."

There was an attempt from Lily to keep this light hearted and reassure Colette that this wasn't as big of a concern it could have been.

"Hey, you never feel concerned on credits. Not with me, not ever. I am happy to spoil you and I am more than happy to lend you money if you ever need it." Lily was firm on this, she knew her wealth was something others in the Order did not share and Lily had always made steps to reassure others that she was willing to spend her money to have a good time with everyone, not concerned about getting paid back or the price.

It was the company she spent it with that made a place special to Lily.

"Let's give my place a go then, next meal out is your pick then." Lily winked to Colette and gave her friend's cheek a final caress. "Want me to lead the way? I can hold your wrist to mimic dragging you." She suggested holding the wrist over the hand since handholding was something super intimate and special to Colette.

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

It wasn't just the credits, but Colette appreciated the sentiment. Sure, Lily had more than enough but so did Valery. It was more a belief thing, an ideal that stopped Colette from carrying any more than she needed to get by.

Lily offered to drag Colette by the wrist and she politely declined with a small laugh.

"No, thank you." She said and shook her head. "I think my skin needs to rest for a moment with all this touching." My skin needs to rest? She closed her eyes and shook away the embarrassment. "You get what I mean."

The duo walked away from the smelly fish restaurant and over towards the main street once again.

"Growing up, this kind of thing wasn't really encouraged unless you were married." Colette continued and rubbed her hand against her neck. "Love is this… Big thing. Shared with everyone. However, the… Intimate parts were very private."

"I was never even supposed to be allowed to feel it, you know. Just sort of live my life without it because of who I am— or rather, was."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

"Skin needing the rest makes sense, this is something that is culturally important to you, the same with fighting being culturally important to me." Lily smiled to her friend, nothing that Colette was saying or feeling was invalid or hurtful to Lily. It was providing more insight for Lily so she better understand Colette and be more appreciative to the limitations and needs that Colette has. As well as understanding how different they are to Lily and her desires.

Looking over to Colette, "so there weren't casual relationships? Flings?" Lily tilted her head, she knew that there would a day where she would be settled, monogamous but that was also something she had set further down the line. "Must be tense, I... I couldn't live my life without the intimacy and romance freedoms that I have right now. Being either tied down young or living more stoic... Sounds too daunting."

Offering a small smile, "well, if you want to feel that way still you can but that doesn't have to be who you are. I know I say this as someone who strives to represent the culture I am from and perhaps that is why I enjoy touching and physical intimacy. However, there are things that my mother and grandmother try to force upon me and I refuse, aspects of what they believe to be traditional, culturally important and I do not agree with that so I disregard it." Lily shrugged her shoulders as she didn't think too much on the aspects of arranged marriage and being forced to marry another Echani to keep the family pure and strong.

It was a belief that Lily felt was far too outdated.

Turning around a corner, Lily guided Colette to a corner restaurant, it was an older looking building with the year it was established on the building. Inside there were family photos and history of this establishment. "Where did you want to sit?"

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

Nope, no flings or casual relationships, not even as much as a kiss between teenagers. Well, officially anyway. Teenagers certainly found ways to circumvent expectations but on paper it was beyond taboo even if some certainly didn't care. Colette shook her head and followed Lily into their restaurant.

Sure, there was history here, but it was like… Established history. Other restaurants hadn't gotten here yet and never would without support. But even so, she supposed that was just a matter of pretension.

"Here should be good." She said and took the nearest seat to them and folded her arms on the table opposite to Lily. "I get what you're saying."

"Tradition. Habit. Indoctrination. Programming." Colette frowned and picked up the menu once they were handed out. "A lot of words for the same thing."

"I value a lot of my culture, but… It's hard to let the bad parts go. The taboo around intimacy, the way I wasn't seen as fully human, all that."

"But then, there's the part where I never had to worry about money. Never worry about where I wanted to go or when. People always cared, nobody placed themselves above others. Nobody was allowed to be alone against their will, and even if they didn't like you they still cared. Every life is as precious as the next."

"And out here…" Colette's shadows dropped. "Rampant inequality. The credit puts a value on everything around us. The few control the many. My survival doesn't matter, and neither does yours, or his or hers or theirs. We are all cogs, we are all MACHINES. We serve a purpose or we have no monetary value. No monetary value, no reason to be kept alive."

"As long as the shareholders get their fill, entire worlds can burn."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

"Perhaps, but I prefer the term tradition, makes me feel less controlled." Lily joked with a smirk on her lips, not looking to debate on the terminology, just having fun with the fact that her and Colette could agree on the issues of generational pressure. Nodding her head to Colette, "I can't say I fully get that because I don't. I never could unless I was born into that, but I can sympathize. I sometimes don't always feel seen as a person."

Lily let Colette air her issues with the current galactic issues, the ways in which the galaxy would oppress the many in favour of the few. It was an interesting take, one that Lily didn't inherently agree with. People did pull together, attempts were made to ensure everyone was uplifted and cared for. However, some did not follow that stance. Some in the galaxy believed in domination and oppression. Lily felt sure that there were some in Colette's culture, in her home world who attempted to enforce a minority viewpoint onto the masses.

But it was not something that Lily felt in the mood to argue over. It was a discussion that solved nothing. That helped no one. It was only something that would cause division and upset. That wasn't what Lily wanted this to be able. Instead, Lily focused on a differing idea, "so. Do you want to talk about attraction and dating? I probably don't have the best tips since I am rather with people for any length of time, but I can try to help you out there?"

 

[Colette]

“… Yeah.” Colette frowned and leaned in against the table. “I’m sorry if I can’t phrase this well, but…”

It took a few moments as she fell right back into her uncertain slouch yet again. The thoughts she had pushed to the back of her mind resurfaced with a vengeance and for a moment she struggled to pick just the one. All these thoughts and memories were a combination of who, why, when, and how. Who had she missed? Why was this happening? When did it start, and how?

“H-... How?” She began. “It’s supposed to be this thing for…” Colette swallowed her words for a moment. “It’s a… You know…”

“Children. Life. Creation. This is a dead end for that.”

Lily Decoria

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

Lily giggled and shook her head, "goddesses no. If that all relationships were about then I would be single for life. Definitely not. There is pleasure, excitement, ecstasy that you can't experience just by yourself. A connection not just physical, but in a way spiritual as well. Something that can definitely be shared between two women as well."

"As for children and creation. Well, even between two women it can happen, look at your nemesis, Quinn. Both her parents are women and she was not adopted by them." Lily pointed out, how it happened exactly in terms of the power used since Lily hadn't explored that area of the Force. Seemed like a power far beyond what she could do. But the facts were undeniable that Quinn was the Force Born child of Spencer and Ashin. A dangerous combination but one Lily assumed was born from love. "That doesn't matter though, people can live their whole lives without kids and still enough their lives with others."

Taking a sip of water, it seemed that Colette had a very limiting view on how things were done. Lily tilted her head, "romantic relationships are based on being attracted to the person, wanting them intimately in your life whether that is for a night or forever, or somewhere in between."

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

"Both her parents are women and she was not adopted by them."

Colette felt her hand reach for her stomach with a terrified stare that set upon Lily. For a moment there she forgot about Anakin Skywalker, but to think that he wasn't the only one that it happened to was scary. To think that her bodily autonomy could be intruded by the force itself in such a manner was even more terrifying.

And how could the force possibly have chosen Quinn's parents, and why was it that it allowed she who was its own creation to become such a vile force of corruption? The questions just kept popping up as the lid of a previously unseen and uncared for box flung itself wide open. Colette tried to listen to the rest as Lily talked, but these particular thoughts just refused to stop pushing their way to the forefront of her mind.

"I don't want children." Colette said and frowned through the terrified stare, down at the table. "At first because I wasn't supposed to, now because I don't want to."

"But you're saying…"

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

Lily could tell that her words added to the confusion and had not taken away or provided further explanation. "It isn't something that just happens randomly. Or at least with Quinn, it was not random. It was planned and her parents are very powerful in the Force, beyond powerful in ways that I could never understand. There is likely a ritual or power they used to create life." Lily hastily added, trying to soothe any concerns that Colette had about accidentally waking one day with a baby due to the Force.

That was something that Lily never considered herself as a possibility but it was something that she felt she had to reassure her friend about.

"You don't have to have children and that is a life that isn't for everyone. It is okay to not want that. I merely meant more, if it was something you wanted, then being with women would not make that impossible. However, I confused the matter more it seemed." Lily sighed and looked up and the ceiling as she tried to think about how to phrase things better moving forward, especially since she was needing to be more plain and clearer with her meanings.

Looking back at Colette, "all I was saying was it was not off the table like you were suggesting, in case that was a concern. However, the focus here should be, that intimacy and romance isn't off the table either just because you don't want children. You can still want to be with someone and fall in love with them, without needing to have kids."

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

"Right." Colette mumbled and looked back up at Lily. "Almost made the jokes back home feel real."

A small chuckle blew from Colette's nose. She had to pull herself out of it. The fear of pregnancy quickly turned into shame. There had been no reason to fear it. Contrary to certain religious beliefs it would still take a bit more than just a touch to make someone pregnant.

All Colette would focus on however was the fact that it would never happen to her.

Her eyes wandered up to meet with Lily's once more only to dart away. Once more her skin began to burn, her breath staggered. Another unsteady exhale blew from her nose. She could feel the way her muscles tensed up as if they wanted to crawl as far into her abdomen as they could and hide. The pacing of her heart and the slight clamminess of her hands didn't help.

Try as she might, she couldn't find a topic to try and steer the conversation away this time.

"Will it always feel like this?" Colette asked. "The burning skin and strange thoughts?"

"The tension. The panic." she continued and shuffled in her seat. "The… Shame?"

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

Lily could tell that Colette held some burning questions still and there was still the look that she knew all too well that was one of desire and for some, it was lust. Lily grinned at the question asked and shrugged her shoulders, "could take days, months, years to move on from someone. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings never fade away since they are someone who can and will always burn in your heart. Sometimes, acting on those thoughts, exploring it all. That can either keep it burning, increase it or settle the flames."

"Depends on the person and depends on depth of feelings. Surface levels of desire tend to be things that can be squashed easily. I've had many people who claim to burn for me but it was merely for my appearance and nothing deeper." Lily confessed, and it was the same for how she had felt for others. Sometimes she only saw someone as physically attractive and wanted to know nothing deeper. Other times, she hungered for more. "But time tends to quell all thoughts and feelings. How long that time is... that ends up on the person."

Breathing in deeply, "as for the panic and shame. I can't say there. Those are things I never felt when I am attracted to someone. But I have some idea of how it can feel, not everyone has had as understanding family as I do on the fact that my sexuality is not straight." Her aunt went through a lot as she realised she was a lesbian and Lily knew her mother and grandmother had been talked to very aggressively about being accepting of Lily when it was noted that the young Echani was bisexual. It was also clear that others in the galaxy either hid their true feelings or could never feel safe in expressing themselves.

"But know that you never have to feel shame or panic with me and that we go at the speed you wish to explore, if you wish to explore."

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

Colette's eyes wandered up to meet Lily halfway at about chin-height, her eyes wide open from the terror her friend sent down her spine. To spend years yearning for someone felt like it'd be horrible. To live with this feeling in her stomach for the evening was proving difficult enough as it was. A year? Impossible.

'But know that you never have to feel shame or panic with me and that we go at the speed you wish to explore, if you wish to explore.'

Colette tried to swallow for a moment to try and stifle the involuntary chuckle that threatened to rumble in her throat. Her body was heating up but she still managed to put a shaky hand on the table to reach out for Lily one more time.

She wouldn't get anywhere without pushing against what she knew to be right. Her heart threatened to stop as her hand got closer to Lily's. A sickening tightness spread across her body. It took little more than a second before the cramp-like agony had seized her whole being. Colette's tongue poked out to wetten her lips and for a moment she swore that she could feel her lips pulse in place of her heart.

"I—..." she said before her voice gave way for a frustrated exhale. "I want to know more."

An unfamiliar burn spread across her eyes as they glossed over. Her vision blurred, her grip on Lily's hand tensed up, grew tighter.

"But I am scared of what that means."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

There was not much comfort that Lily could offer Colette when she saw the fear in her friend's eyes over the notion that things could last years. It was dependent on a person, it was never a guarantee but sometimes you come across a person that just could not leave your thoughts. Lily felt that way about a few people and she knew others who felt that way as well.

When Colette reached out for Lily, the Echani moved her hand and held her friend's hand. There was no hesitation or question of not being that comfort that she could be with Colette. Hearing that Colette wished to know more, Lily offered a grin, showing that the answer was something she also enjoyed the sound of. It was good to know that Colette was beginning to feel more comfortable with those ideas.

"Well, we can definitely explore things together then." Lily stated, not even thinking of anything else in the moment. "What it means... Well, for now it doesn't need to mean anything. Just something we enjoy as friends, an addition to our relationship. If that changes down the line then we can discuss it. But for now, you are still figuring out what you enjoy and how this all feels. I am not looking to settle down in a monogamous relationship currently."

Lily felt too young to be tied down in a full-on relationship, she had tried that once and it felt awkward. Friends with benefits with people was a lot easier and she was always busy with training, missions and being a Jedi that adding the stresses of an actual relationship and everything that entangled was too much. For now at least. Lily knew one day there was going to be a time where she would want to settle, fall in love, marry and everything else.

But that was a future potentially years away.

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

Ugh, she grinned. Of course she grinned. Colette let out a small laugh at the whole situation, although from the sound of it she could have been sobbing just as well. The only real distinction was that a sob wasn't followed by a smile, this particular wet sound was.

She sniveled for a moment and wiped the tears that had yet to trail down her cheeks. The tension in her arms and legs were still there. The initial wave of raw and unmitigated emotion had come and washed off of her. The worst was over — or so she hoped.

This would feel wrong, but there was also no denying that it felt so very right in spite of it all.

"As… Friends." Colette said. Her sheepish, lopsided grin tugging at her cheek in whichever direction it would let it. "Nothing serious, just… Two friends…" Her head slowly shook to underline the message. "Having a good time. I'd like that."

In truth Colette wasn't really ready for another relationship just yet either. Her time with Shan had been a fantastic part of her life, but things had changed since then. Colette was a knight now, her time as a person of the people would soon come to be defined as a time where she'd have to be a person for the people. She wouldn't have time to be there for someone on that level.

It made something casual, something potentially messy but beautiful seem a lot more intriguing than it had any reason to be. She looked at Lily, this time without shying away from the emotion that bubbled up within as she caught her eyes. The panic was still there but it wasn't finding purchase on her nerves. In the unusual calm she could finally see the deep care in her friend's gaze. Her jaw tensed like a wolf readying itself for a meal.

"Dinner and then-" Colette froze up once more. Her eyes darted away in embarrassment. "I dunno."

"We'll see."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

Lily was glad to see the smile, to know that her friend was still comfortable, still wanting this moment of intimacy. It was raw and it would be a lot of firsts for Colette, so Lily had to be cautious in how things were handled. But the fact they were on the same page for being friends with benefits was a good sign since it was definitely going to be a positive for the pair of them. Lily figured it would also help Colette in finding out what she wanted when being around a woman as well without having to jump into the deep, murky depths of actually dating.

Moving her chair, she shifted around the table closer to Colette and cautiously moved a hand to cup Colette's face, there was clear intention and desire in Lily's mind to move Colette in closer and pull her in for a passionate kiss. Something that would be acceptable for where they were but also hinting at some of the ideas that Lily had in mind in terms of what they could explore later on. What could be enjoyed between them after the food was consumed.

It was also a chance for Colette to see how a kiss between them felt. It was one thing to see a person as attractive and desirable but another to be in a moment of intimacy with them.

"Dinner and then we can head back to my room here." Lily whispered in a sultry tone as she smirked to Colette with a little wink to tease her friend. "See where that takes us then."

 

[Colette]

Lily Decoria

The wooden textures of the table in front of them provided the perfect texture to stare at. Colette felt the emotions inside of her ebb and flow between calm and anxious anticipation. It didn't matter anymore what direction her ship sailed in, she had already left harbor.

The sound of Lily's creaking chair pulled Colette back like the sound of a violent wave bashing against a shallow rock. Soft fingers like satin gently caressed Colette's cheek and she was helpless to stop it even if she had wished to do so.

The touch lingered on her cheek for a moment longer. Colette lost herself in Lily's blue eyes, drowned herself in the richness of her affection as the clock gently ticked down. The intention was clear, the desire palpable enough to practically burst from her chest.

Colette's shoulders slowly eased into a quiet nod of consent. Lily leaned in, Colette followed suit until their lips gently met in the middle. If this hadn't felt real before, then it most certainly felt so very real now. The velvet touch of her friend's lips was just as precious as Colette had hoped it would be. A soft sigh forced its way between Colette's lips before she planted another kiss right where the other one had been.

Brief as the moment was, it shattered everything she'd known about herself and yet left her more whole than ever. As the two slowly separated she felt the weight of a whole world ease off her back. In spite of all the horrors in the world she had still been granted this moment in time for herself.

Lily spoke but Colette couldn't answer. Her lips still tingled as if the kiss still lingered, her eyes fluttering as she began to ask herself questions she'd never dared to ask herself before. If it was this easy to break one part of the programming then how trivial would the next step be? She could finally look at her friend and find answers in the ecstatic silence between them.

The truth was that Colette had always known from the start but never dared believe. She reached up to gently caress Lily one more time, this time by her own accord to answer her friend's question.

"I would like that." she said.

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Rodia - Nightclub
Outfit: Party Dress
Tag: Colette

The kiss was amazing, it was exciting and Lily was glad that it was something that Colette was seeming to enjoy as well. Lily controlled the intensity of the kiss, figuring that for now it would be best if she was directing things for now. Guiding her friend through these new grounds that Colette was finding herself in. During the second kiss, Lily used her tongue to playfully dance and tease Colette's. Her thumb caressing Colette's cheek as they kissed as a desire burned deep in Lily's stomach. A hunger that had been growing for a few moments now, only steadily building as the intimacy was increasing between them.

Once the kissing was finished, Lily pulled back but continued to lean into Colette's touches. Letting her friend explore as much as she wanted in the moment. It was only fair and it showed that Lily was open to any level of intimacy and touching currently. "Good, luckily the food shouldn't be much longer and the bill is already paid for so we can get out of here as soon as we want to." Lily was showing Colette that she was just as keen and excited as Colette felt about enjoying more of one another.

When the food arrived, the sushi looked delicious and presented in a beautiful, traditional style for the pair to enjoy. The food was crafted with not just generations of skill but also love. Lily beamed excited to see how Colette found the food.