Private Assorted Diary Entries of Sylvia Virtos

[Sylvia Virtos]

From her early teenage years until her final entry at age nineteen, the then-Sith Academy student Sylvia Virtos kept a diary. The entries were sporadic in nature, more often than not written when something out of the ordinary had taken place. Below are a number of entries from some of the most eventful days at the Sith Academy of Bastion.
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-

Apparently, writing down your experiences helps with processing them, so I might as well try it. Fingers crossed nobody ever sneaks into my dorm and steals this.

The academy sucks. I was hopeful at first, but everything went wrong right away. Someone joked about my height and being the idiot that I am, I got angry. He laughed, then others started laughing too. Now all of my classmates make fun of me. That's what I get for not having friends right away, I guess. Maybe it will get better if I try to fit in more. Being quiet is definitely a bad thing, I've noticed.

We also got our weekly schedule yesterday. None of the subjects have to do with tech though. I did find something in the library that looked interesting. The book called it 'mechu deru'. Apparently it's pretty advanced stuff, but I borrowed it anyway. I haven't read it yet, but maybe it will explain those things I can do. It's still weird to me that not everyone can handle tech like that.

---

I should've known things were only going to get worse. Everyone just calls me Rat now. Even the overseer hates me, probably because I don't like fighting back when they make fun of me. I know strength goes above all and that I always need to show that I'm better than my classmates, but I don't want to. Maybe I'm just weak. I guess I deserve what's been happening to me. I hate that I'm only realizing this while I'm writing it down. I really am worthless, huh?

I'm not good enough to be a Sith. I'll get kicked out eventually if I don't get better. I just don't know what to do.

There's one girl who didn't make fun of me today. I don't see her often, I'm pretty sure she's one of those talented students who get private lessons. Normally when other students pass by they'll join in on the bullying, but when she walked in when I was getting pushed around she just looked... sad? I don't know. Only when they stopped did I see her there. You'd think the teacher's pets would be the worst of them all.

I don't even know who she is, but by not picking on me she has been the nicest person I've met here.

---

I've been practicing some of the stuff from the mechu deru book. I think they messed up the complexity grade, because most of it was actually pretty easy. The stuff I could practice with the stuff I have, anyway. I won't explain exactly what I learned, but you might want to keep anything you want to keep a secret from me off your datapads :]

I've also seen that girl around a few times, now. She's probably really popular, because I constantly see a lot of students hanging around her. They even started leaving me alone when she is around. I guess they care more about being friends with her than picking on me. I'm not complaining.

---

I have no idea what just happened.

One of my classmates ran into me in the hallway. As always, he called me Rat and laughed at me as he walked by. Thankfully he was alone so he didn't do anything else. The girl was there as well, walking somewhere further behind me. She caught up to me after the boy left, and asked if I was okay. I'm still confused why she'd care, to be honest. She even offered to walk with me to my next class. I thought it was some kind of prank. It was pretty stupid of me to say yes, but she actually was really nice. Her name is Elle, and she entered the academy at the same time as me. Being the shy idiot that I am, I accidently said Ellie instead when she introduced herself, but she seemed to like it for some reason.

She also asked me what class I was heading to. I had a dueling class coming up, and she told me that was one of her favorites. The weirdest thing of all was that she actually offered to practice with me sometime. I said that I'd think about it, mostly because I'm still not sure if it's some elaborate set-up. She said she'd be around our group's training room after the final class tomorrow and wait for me there, in case I ended up feeling like it.

I think I'm going. It's not like things could get any worse at this point if it was some kind of prank.

---

I did end up going. And it wasn't a prank.

I think Elle might actually just be nice. She was super patient and showed me a ton of helpful tricks that helped me a lot. We were the only two there the entire time, and that was probably the first time I ever felt comfortable here. She was never put off by my frustration when I made a mistake and even cheered me on when I did do something well. I still don't get why she'd waste her time on someone like me, but I'm thankful. She'll probably stop doing that eventually once the others start taking up that time, so I better make the best of it.

I really hope we can be friends, though. It's probably too much to ask.

 

[Sylvia Virtos]

-

It's just not fair. I did everything right! Why won't Overseer Lucias see it!?

I finally won a duel. I did it. I beat Yade, one of the better ones in my class. Ellie has been helping me for a few weeks now, and it's working. Thanks to her I could see when Yade got too confident and misstepped. Seeing her fall on her back... it felt amazing. I finally did something I could be proud of. The whole room fell silent. I never thought proving people wrong could be so satisfying.

Overseer Lucias was there too, but he just ignored the whole thing. He won't recognize what I did. Yade and Ellie get endless praise every time they win a duel, but not me. He told me I got lucky, that one win means nothing. He didn't even see how much better I've gotten. Sure, I'm far from the best, but I must be doing something right. Right? Ellie told me I was, anyway.

I'm not surprised she gets private lessons. She sees everything, I don't understand how she does it. With just the little bit she has shown me I managed to pull this off. I should thank her next time, maybe get her something. Not that I know what to get her... What does she even like? I can't help her with anything in return, either. Nobody cares about mechu deru.

I'm going to keep sleeping on it.

Why does she even bother with me?

---

Today was... I don't even know what to call it.

I ran into Ellie again today after my last class. She was done as well, so she asked if I wanted to take a walk together. I think she wants to be my friend, but that can't be right. Me? Out of everyone?

I said yes, though. I know it's selfish to take up her time like that, but I couldn't say no. She smiled when I said yes, as well. I guess if we both enjoyed talking, it's okay. I just don't want to force myself onto her. Emotions are dumb.

The weather was nice today, so we took a walk around the academy grounds. She told me she was there, watching the duel yesterday. I somehow never noticed her. She sounded like she was really proud of me when she told me how well I did. I told her that Overseer Lucias thought it was just luck, which he probably was right to say now that I've had time to think about it. Ellie wouldn't have it, though.

"Seeing your opponent's mistakes is just as important as your own technique." Or something like that. I don't exactly remember what she said word for word. She's probably right, but I'm having a hard time believing it. I guess I just suck at taking compliments.

At some point it came to me that I had never thanked Ellie for her help, so I did. I probably looked super awkward doing it, but she seemed genuinely surprised. Not in a bad way. I'm glad she knows I'm grateful, at least.

After our walk we sat on a bench for a while, mostly just watching the sky. We talked about random things sometimes, like interests outside of the academy, wanting to see other planets one day, just random things. We went back when it started to get dark and we had to go back to our dorms, but we sat there for, like, hours. It was nice.

It got a little scary, though, right before Ellie left. She asked for a hug. I got super nervous about it and she seemed disappointed, but I didn't want to let her down. Turns out hugs really aren't all that scary. it was comforting, actually.

I'm still thinking about it. I'm weird. It probably didn't mean anything to her, but... it did to me. A lot, actually.

---

I figured out how to manipulate droids. This might just be the greatest day of my life.

The cleaning droids that roam the hallways are programmed to avoid running into anything, so people just ignore them. I got curious and reached out into one of them, and I noticed I could override that and control the droid myself. So I ran it into Mako. Trust me, he had it coming. He got bowled over, I could barely hold in my laughter. He wasn't hurt, but definitely embarrassed.

They'll never know it was me >:]

---

Ellie helped me out with dueling practice again today. Even after two months of me not being able to help her with anything in return, she keeps offering up her time. She's definitely not stupid, so there has to be a reason for it. I just can't figure out what it is.

Anyway, after practice she asked me if I had a holotape player in my dorm. I had no idea what she was getting at, but I do have one. There's this second-hand tech store not far from the Academy where I help the owner out every once in a while. I just like seeing all the stuff that comes in, I don't know why. The owner had a holotape player that he caught me looking at, and he actually gave it to me. I didn't dare say I didn't actually have any tapes that I could play with it, but I have it now.

Turns out Ellie actually does have a few. I have no clue why she'd have them if she doesn't have a way to play them, or why she'd ask me if I do, but I'm not going to question it.

When I told her I did have one, she asked if we could watch one together sometime.

I have never let anyone into my dorm before, but after everything she has done for me, I think it's the least I could do. So I said yes.

I guess we're going to watch a movie together tomorrow night.

 

[Sylvia Virtos]

-

I finally found this thing again! It has been years since I've seen this diary, I thought I had lost it forever. It's kind of upsetting that I never logged anything between the last entry and now, but I can't do much about it now. The only thing I can do is pick up the habit again. Here we go, I guess!

Oh, and I read back the old entries before writing again. All I could think was 'wow'. I really was a bit of a massive idiot.

I should proooobably clarify for the non-existent soul that inhabits this diary. I finally figured out what a 'friend' is. You know, the mythical being that I thought didn't exist. Yeah, turns out it's really not that complicated. It's just that the academy is just about the worst place for me to find them at. Most Sith tend to be assholes. Shocker, I know. Not that I need any of them, though. I got Ellie. And honestly, she's all I need. Everyone else can kark right off.

But yeah, Ellie's my best friend, the only one I can trust, the only one who cares... the list goes on. This diary reminded me of how defensive and hesitant I used to be with her, but at this point she probably knows me better than I know myself. Overseer Lucias absolutely hates our friendship because I am 'dragging her down' and other chite, but he can kark right off. The academy doesn't even deserve someone as talented as Ellie. He can reprimand me and beat me up when he's throwing his millionth tantrum about it all he wants. As long as I can put a smile on that pretty blonde-haired girl's face, I'm not caving. We're getting out of this academy together, I promised her.

And no, I don't like her [that] way. Even if I did, I'm pretty damn sure Ellie doesn't like me that way either. Before you get any ideas.

Now that I'm catching up, I might as well cap it off with the whole bullying thing. Long story short, I never managed to find a way to fit in. I'm still the outcast, but most of them leave me alone now unless they're in a group and specifically out to get me. Having nothing to lose makes it very easy to start biting back, and that's when they move on to an easier target. They all hate me now, but honestly? I'm glad they do. Feth them.

---

I can't believe that worked. Kark me I'm a fething genius aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Blatantly unapologetic confession time: I got a class cancelled today just so I could watch a shockboxing match. I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it. I mean, it was Vega vs Hirons for the title, like the Nether I was going to miss that. Time zones be damned. It was an absolute heater, too. Even if they figure out it was me at one point, it would still be worth it. Trust me though, they won't.

About 15 minutes before the class was supposed to start, I managed to sneak into the scheduler's office. Every door here has locks that open with keycards, and to their credit they are certainly up to snuff, but they really shouldn't have left in that back door.

Anyway, once inside, I found our class in the system and marked it as cancelled. I then went back to my dorm, turned on the holo screen, and enjoyed some me-time watching two guys beat the snot out of each other. Vega's not dropping that title anytime soon, for sure. Because the class was marked as cancelled, the lecturer couldn't blame anyone for not showing up. They're probably running through the whole program now, trying to find the bug that caused it.

Honestly, Rat isn't even that unfitting of a nickname. Sneaking in and out of places is a 'rat' kind of thing, if you ask me. Watch me become a spy or some chite, that would be hilarious.

---

Ah, chite. I think I've got a problem. I didn't get in trouble about the thing I explained in my previous entry, it's something else. Something I touched on one entry earlier.

I don't think denial's going to work for much longer, and things are going to get very awkward going forward.

I think I actually [do] like Ellie [that] way. No, not think. I just do.

Congratulations me, you're the next person in the line of idiots who ended up developing a crush on your best friend. Instead of keeping yourself from doing that, because said best friend is never going to feel the same way, you walked right into the trap. Have fun hiding those feelings from her until they fade away again, moron. It better be a phase.

...My feelings are going to haunt me for the rest of my life, aren't they?

Feth.

I want to be in denial again.

 

[Sylvia Virtos]

-

I nearly messed up today. I almost told Ellie the thing. I don't know what came over me, I was this close to just blurting it out. It's like admitting it to myself has only made everything worse. Why is it so hard to just keep it to myself and live with it?

For some reason I agreed to watching a romantic movie this week, which looking back was [really] stupid of me. Long story short: Things get sappy, I can't help myself, I nearly ruin everything. My self-control kicked in just before it was too late, but I already saw Ellie getting close to connecting the dots. I [think] I'm in the clear, but I better get a grip. Fast.

Anyway, I better hide this thing away again in case Ellie wakes up. I'm being a [bit] risky by writing all this when she's sleeping like right next to me.

---

I did something stupid today. And honestly? I don't regret it. I think I even like it. My hair's now purple. Okay, mAgEnTa. Whatever. What matters is that it actually looks pretty neat. I did it on a whim, just asked the hairdresser when I was getting a haircut. Now here we are. I'm such a rebel. Totally.

Ellie hasn't seen me with my new hair color yet. I bet she'll be surprised. Hopefully she won't miss brunette Sylvia too much. Maybe she'll like it, even. Who knows?

---

I really can't wait to get out of here and see the galaxy. Bastion is slowly killing me.

Nothing specific happened or anything, I just need to vent. I'm tired. It's always the same chite, over and over again. Having no motivation to work on my courses and cramming everything last-minute while depending on Ellie way too much, overseer Lucias despising my very existence, not ever learning anything I [want] to learn

knowing ill never be good enough to be a sith and wanting to give up but then i lose ellie so i have to just keep on doing this even though i hate myself every step of the way

do it for ellie. you need to. remember what you promised.

dont you fething dare quit i dont care how fething awful it all is

this is your life, just deal with it

 

[Sylvia Virtos]

-

It's all my fault. Everything that happens to me here. If I end up failing, that's all on me. I'm an intolerable piece of chite that can't do anything properly, of course nobody fething likes me. I see what I do wrong, but instead of trying to fix it I just feel bad for myself and make the same mistakes over and over again. I'll tell myself I'll change when I'm feeling better, only to promptly fall back to my bad habits the moment things go even slightly wrong.

Then again, there isn't much of a point trying to fix things now. I've fethed it all up already and there's no erasing that. All I've got is the consequences. Why couldn't I just be normal? Imagine having to put up with me. I deserve to be alone. I hate myself. I genuinely hate myself for who I am. I only cause problems and bring people down because I just can't help myself and care too much about pointless chite. I can't even pretend to not care, I end up running my mouth in the end anyway. And I can't just leave it either, because I still care too much. Even when it's actively hurting me.

I'd tell myself I'm going to lock myself into my dorm tomorrow and just let everything be for a while, But I already know I won't be able to. I'll go straight back into hurting myself even more and being a burden to everyone around me. Because that's all I'm good at. Knowing the right thing to do, but never actually doing it because I'm weak-willed and idiotic. So I'll just beat myself up and blame it all on myself to feel even the slightest smidge of control over my life, let it drag me down to another low point, and wallow there for a few days. Then time will numb it all until the process repeats all over again.

I just don't know how to break through it. It's all just too much.

 

[Sylvia Virtos]

-

I've been overthinking everything again, like always, and something popped up that I just can't figure out. It's bothering the chite out of me, too. And somehow, I never thought about it until now. How in the Nether am I still here?

Seriously. Clearly I'm a failure of a student, but I'm still here. Overseer Lucias sees it, my peers see it, even I myself see it. I've seen countless students get kicked out already because of their shortcomings, and then here I am. I just don't get it.

Ellie would kick my ass for even thinking this, probably. She must see something nobody else is seeing.

And there we go, can't go two entries without bringing her up. Though, anything is better than the absolute trainwreck that was the last entry. I thought about deleting it, and I might just do it. It's a bit too depressing to go back and read.

---

In episode 32453452 of me writing about Ellie...

It's for a good reason, this time! Her birthday's coming up. I've been racking my brain over what to get her, but I've got nothing so far. So much for being a good friend, I guess.

Then again, she never really seemed like the type for material things. Still, there's got to be something at least. Maybe I can build her something dumb? I'll keep some space open her to jot down ideas.

• Mechanical flower with petals that automatically fold and unfold (Now that I'm reading this again, scratch that. I could absolutely make it, but even the chance of it sending any kind of signal makes it a big no.
• A pendant??? (It's still an option, not sure what she'd like if she'd want one in the first place. It's a bit different, but I can probably figure it out if I try)
• I could beef up a datapad and give it unnessecarily insane specs, not sure what she'd need one for though
• If all else fails, maybe just get her a book?
• [idea]
• [idea]

---

I applied for an individual specialization programme again, mechu deru of course. I do this everytime knowing full well Lucias will reject it on the basis of the fact I was the one who applied for it, but at least I'm making him waste his time writing the rejection. And hey, maybe someone else reads it and he can't come up with an excuse why he's going to reject it?

Wishful thinking, but that's what keeps you afloat.