Private Assertations

[Noelle Varanin]

"I want to be there," Noelle stated firmly, braced for Ashin Cardé Varanin 's flippant rejection. She stepped around the retrieved throne , stepping closer to her only remaining parent. "I know my training is not over but this shows that I am more than capable of handling the Netherworld. I am part of this family, I have earned my place." Her palm hit the metal backrest, rare passion in her tone as she command her mother's attention.

"Tell me what your plan is."

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

Ashin's jaw tightened. Using the throne properly required glitterstim, and she'd gone off the wagon after twenty years. Any cost, after all. The throne's unique connection to Spencer was worth it, not a doubt in her mind.

But being high for this specific conversation was a consequence she hadn't foreseen.

"Scour the Netherworld. Find her. Kill what scares her. Use the apex power of the Sith to resurrect her in a clone body. You've played a role, but if you want to participate you're going to need to make serious choices."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Goosebumps prickled over her skin at the insinuation, a hot wash of emotion rippling through her. Her lips pursed, her next words falling choppily from her.

"She's my mother. And you- you're doing too much. I'm not here to trade one for another. If there's weight to be shared--" She fell to her knees, her hands on Ashin's own as she implored her to look at her. She looked so much like Spencer. And Ashin... already so unrecognizable. Another sleeve that would soon be dispensed of, and then--

Her fingers tightened.

"You were an sith empress once and you pulled back. How is this not the same?"

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"I didn't pull back. I spent a good while lying to myself that I could move on, but the scars of what I did are pretty close to eternal, Noelle. If you're going to make the choice to commit to the Dark Side, it should be your choice, eyes wide open. I was Sith poisoned into it. Forced into it. My really free choices came later, once I already had red in my ledger."

Ashin shook off Noelle's hand and sat down in the throne, burying her face in her hands. The glitterstim burned in her blood, and Noelle's emotions with it.

"I am what I've made myself, but it took me years upon years to be intentional about my identity. So make no mistake: you face a stark choice, an informed decision.

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle fell back on her heels, her hands going limp in her lap. There was always a point in a child's life when they stopped seeing a parent and saw a person. For Noelle, it was when Ashin's hands covered her face, hiding the high Noelle had never witness from her before. She looked so tired in that moment, a bit of humanity inside her slumped posture. There was a a sense of sad relief as Noelle watched.

She dared to reach out one final time, bridging the contact neither were inclined to share.

"So inform me. What is it like? Why weren't we enough?" No judgement, just smidge of curiosity and stagnant pain.

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

At the contact, Ashin took a shuddering breath and sat up straight in the throne. Imperious.

"Because I'm a murderer, Noelle," she rasped. "I spent time in places and situations and roles where a spark of empathy would have gotten me and Spencer killed. I made myself the next best thing to a sociopath. Stunted my ability to connect. Found no..." Her fingers clutched the arms of the throne. "Found no strategic value in the personal, in connection. In being a parent. You - feth a jaggath." She slapped the Nihil smokestone. "I like what I am, but I took a hard road. You can take a more intentional one."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

"What is the point of that empathy if it comes at the cost of you?"

The pinch in her tearducts sharpened abruptly, grief spilling out of the boxes she thought she had locked. She couldn't do it twice. She couldn't lose another member of this household. Even Ashin, the furthest star of them all... "This is family." She pulled her hand back, angrily dashing away rare tears.

"I don't want to be royalty, or jedi, or- or any of the other things that witless compact keeps bringing me. I want to be here. By your side. And if this kills you--" Ashin's warning the first night she had returned still haunted her.

Real death. No tricks or smoke screens to reverse.

"I need to know," she ordered, voice raw. "Can I surrender myself to it, and then come back? Does it have to be so black and white? Can't I just make a choice, then undo it again?"

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"I can't count how many times I thought like you do when I was your age. But you can't eat your cake and have it too, for two vital reasons."

Jittering, she got up from the throne.

"One, your choices change you, and these ones especially. Do this and you're a different person tomorrow.

"And two...real power in the Force comes from committing to one side or the other. What you're describing is the opposite, and trust my experience - it leads to nothing but weakness."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle was left staring at an empty throne, her confliction dragging down her features.

"I am already weak," she stated, emotionless. Silence tore through her, Ashin's honesty leaving her with truths she would have preferred to ignore.

It took a long moment to get words from her again, but when they came they were level and unexpressive. "Can say with confidence that this will not kill you? That your debt will live to wait another day, and that when she returns you will be here with her?" She turned, meeting Ashin's gaze.

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

"If I need to...be done...to bring her back, that's what's happening. If necessary, she is more important to you girls' welfare than I am. She was my right hand; after my Force severing she was my Master; she was my closest ally across wars upon wars. We've dragged each other out of anything you could name. She means everything to me. So if I die, I die. While you're facing hard truths, face that one."

Her face twisted.

"Just don't think committing to the Dark Side, to this ritual, is the only way to become strong. Commit to something. What you commit to is your choice and yours alone. That is the one part of the Sith way that you absolutely must take to heart."

 

[Noelle Varanin]

Noelle growled, the primal noise tearing through her.

“I commit to this family.”

She pushed herself up, her silk shift smelling of algae and lake water. She spoke without thinking— without considering, without weighing the odds. It was unlike her to do, but she held Ashin’s gaze, answering firmly.

“Tell me when.”

 

[Ashin Cardé Varanin]

A terse nod was all the emotion Ashin permitted herself.

"You've contributed. You'll do so again. I don't know which of my plans will work or what that contribution will look like, but I won't shut you out of bringing her home. You have my word."