Amnesia, Of A Sort

[Alric Kuhn]

[member="Danger Arceneau"]

Alric sat quietly in a room barely lit.

The curtains lay to one side of the massive window, lights from the city poured in, barely illuminating the old man sitting on the sofa. He looked tired, grizzled, but determined. His eyes were closed and his hands were knotted into a tight grip, his chin resting upon him, propped up on his knees. He sat there in silence, his lips thin and his face holding a stark determination on it.

He wore no shirt, his torso fully undressed and revealed in the bare lights of Byblos. It was clear that he was no longer young, yet there was a trim to his figure that told of at least some exercise every day.

"Mr. Kuhn."

A voice rang out, detached and mechanical. It belonged to one of the secretaries down at the desk, though Alric no longer remembered her name. Slowly his hands pulled apart and he reached over to press a small button on the datapad laying on the right of the table. "Yes?"

His voice was soft, as though he had a lack of sleep.

"She's here Mister Kuhn."

Alric nodded to himself, his eyes still closed. A finger curled for a moment, a second of hesitation flowing through him as though he had doubts. For a moment more he stalled, then shook his head as if dispelling a thought. His index uncurled and pressed against the screen. "Send her up, please."

There was an answer, though Alric barely heard it.

The sound of the secretaries was simply drowned out as he focused, his eyes having opened and locked onto the object in front of him.

A large glinting knife.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

The wide heavy wood doors swung open minutes later, letting in the ray of light and the silhouette of a woman.

“Thank you Fehlar'aitel'intano,” Danger’s voice would softly relay her gratitude, the Chiss Saeva guard giving her a curt nod of acknowledgement. Passing through the threshold, the doors would swing closed behind her, guided shut by Raiteli and leaving her alone with the man sitting on the couch.

The night lights would softly shine upon [member="Alric Kuhn"], giving his bare skin a faint glow. He appeared burdened, with a full mind and a steely determination. It was strange, seeing him like this. For a moment, Danger assumed he had once again succumbed to grief, a concern that would intensify at the glint of a knife set upon the table before him as she drew near.

Off came her hat - a bright red one this time around - and she set it quietly upon the desk. Slow steady ambles would paint her one of the streetlight people, her figure and form seemingly appearing from the shadows. Left foot swung over right, and then left again, high heels taking her straight to the Tetan. Until finally, that subtle drift of perfume would tickle the senses, and Danger would wedge herself between the table with the knife and the former Titan.

His hands were clasped together, and at this distance, with his torso leaning forward, she caught the familiar inky script that decorated over one shoulder. Fiona and Violet. His sisters. However, they were not the only ink to stain his skin. Two new additions lay upon the opposite shoulder; Lily and Rose. The twins.

To a degree she understood the inclusion. Why Alric would immortalize his sisters and the twins upon his flesh. It was his way of doing them honor; in remembrance. It spoke to the volume of love and affection he had. She could not fault him in that, yet it only struck a cord that their child was nowhere included in that.

Dark thoughts would pass in light of the growing tension in the room. He had personally invited her for a reason, concern painted in the shadows of her face as she stared down at the weary but intent visage of Alric Kuhn.

It pained her enough to want to see a smile on his face again.

“An evening call. A half dressed man. Reckon most women wouldn’t find objection to that.” her throaty rasp would find some measure of humor to lighten the tension. None the less, her expression softened, and her smile began to wane. Dropping an octave and heavy with concern, Danger asked softly.

“What ails you, Alric Kuhn?

 

[Alric Kuhn]

[member="Danger Arceneau"]

Alric sat in silence for a few more moments. He wanted to go over and hug Danger, greet her warmly and give her some joke about how he'd lost his shirt. Yet he couldn't quite find the will to do that, couldn't quite find the strength to stand. instead he let out a long breath and rubbed his hands over his face, as if he was wiping away something that had covered it.

"Hey." He said finally, a lackluster greeting for such an old friend.

They were friends again, at least Alric saw it that way. The two of them had spent time together again, had spoken and laughed. They were short glimpses of course, but it was as deep as it once had been. Friendship never came easy, especially to people like them. He smiled slightly, then cast a glance over towards Danger. "Do you remember..."

For a moment he stopped.

"Do you remember what we talked about in the museum?" His voice was pensive, thoughtful. "The clone?"

It hadn't been a long conversation, but it had been enough that it stuck with him. A month had passed since then, so much time to think and plan.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

A shift of her body came next, then the sinking sensation of Danger coming to sit next to him on the couch would offer her company. She would mirror his stance, leaning forward and clasping her hands in front of her, elbows resting on her knees.

“I do,” it had been a conversation that had brought some awareness to her. About her life’s choices were she to utilize the clone as her second chance. What she would do. How she would do it. And what that meant for Arceneau Trade and for her life.

There were heavy choices to make, along with the acknowledgement that her replicant’s future at the helm of ATC was not a life at all. It would be no different than the one she had now. And while she had achieved the goals set forth back thirty years ago… living another lifetime with the same facade was not what she wanted. Nor desired.

It was a life she knew she had to leave behind.

Everyone has their time and place; and some things one just had to let go.

Her body went half turning towards [member="Alric Kuhn"], watching him quietly, aware that he didn’t need her to talk as much as he did an ear. Whatever made his mind heavy, he would reveal it in time at his own accord. That he had invited her at this hour just so made that clear.

Much like in Corellia, on that Wyyrlok, Danger took on the mantle of a close confident. Of his friend.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

[member="Danger Arceneau"]

He had no doubt that she would remember every word he had ever said.

Danger was clever, though she didn't quite have the penchant for remembering things that he did, she could still hold vast amounts of information within her mind. She likely recalled every conversation they'd ever had, or almost every conversation anyway. He frowned slightly, then shook his head as he dispelled memories and thoughts of the past.

"I need you to do me a favor." He gestured slightly, pointing his fingers towards the knife. "I've been thinking, and I realized something."

That realization had been painful, but it had been bent into the future. Alric had been famous for thinking ahead, famous for pushing the agendas that some would say were insane. Of course what most most didn't know was that Alric wasn't focused on the next step, he was focused on the next three steps after that. It was simply how he worked, and now in his old age that was no different.

He was still thinking three steps ahead.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Well now they were treading into territory that didn’t quite sit well with Danger. Especially with that kind of expression that would harden [member="Alric Kuhn"] ‘s face. There was a shadow there that ran ice down her spine and her stomach sink.

It took all she could to not say, ‘knife play is not my kink’ -- likely the worst thing to say given the situation. She was a smart woman, and given the fact the subject he had brought up, it wasn't hard to see what path he was going. With as pensive as he’d become in the wake of coming face to face with the statue of the faceless Clone Trooper, it was only natural to wonder about his own replicant. One that, if she recalled correctly, would have all of Alric’s memories and experiences transferred over by way of a blend of technology and Yuuzhan Vong Biot. The Dat’qah Tattoo.

Freedom. He won’t do this again.

The quiet words he had said with such conviction back at the museum rang through Danger’s mind again. Once more, concern arouse. A slight incline of her head would encourage him to continue, her interest piqued yet feeling the crawl of a dark foreboding after the gesture to the knife.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

[member="Danger Arceneau"]

He looked at her one more time, then cast a glance back down to the knife. The blade was sharp, more of a scalpel really than an actual knife. Beside it lay a small tool, a medical cauterizer that used laser technology to seal wounds and blood vessels that had been cut into. It would be easy to guess what he intended, at least for her.

"In my back I have a Dat'qah." Alric knew that Danger would know what that meant, after all she had the same thing. "It records everything. All of my memories, events that transpire, everything. It has memories of my daughters, my wife, you. Everything I've ever done. When I die, the Dat'qah will transfer everything it knows to a storage bank, said bank will flash train that knowledge onto my clone."

It was actually a very simple process, and one that was set in place to activate the instant he died. "I realized."

For a moment he stopped, his eyes glancing away towards the windows and then back towards Danger. His gaze settled on her face, and he tried to focus.

"I realized that If he's going to be free. If he's going to have his own life, there can't be anything left for him to find." His words were somewhat cryptic, but plain. "He can't go looking for things from my life."

 

[Danger Arceneau]

The penny rises.

Momma had once told her that everyone was alone at the moment of being born and at the moment of dying. Nobody came with you and nobody went with you. It was a journey of one.

For Alric's clone to be born alone; the method of transferring the information had to be severed.

It was after all, a journey of one.

Her expression was impossible to discern, enigmatic. A deep breath would fill her old lungs, and lids fell shut for a moment. Fleeting seconds went ticking by, then umber lashes arose.

The penny drops.

Funny how it was, when moments come to such poignant clarity. Everything just seems so vivid. Colors. Scents. Sounds. It was as if every nerve would ignite in hypersensitivity, pupils dilating as if one's entire body was thrumming with a singular desire. To capture that very moment. To sear it into the mind. To take a snapshot of a singular moment in time that would resonate throughout the rest of a life.

Is this what those users if the Force felt? In that brief moment when everything is attuned to a single desire, is this the energy that hums through them?

Who knew. What Danger did know was this. There was no need to elaborate. No requirement to explain about the cause and effect or the ramifications of what path Alric had chosen to walk.

This time around, he didn't need her to shine the light on his emotions nor connect the navpoints for him. He'd come to the decision alone.

And she would respect it.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

"Lily and Rose." Alric said when Danger didn't answer him.

His lips thinned, and his voice almost broke as he said their names, but he knew what had to be done. It hurt him, but he knew what the future would hold. He would be there for his daughters until he died, he would be there for them whenever he could, however he could. He had made that promise and he fully intended on keeping it. This was something else, this was planning for the future, planning not one, not even three steps ahead. He was planning for when the game was over.

Some would have seen it as callous, others would have seen it as idiotic. Yet he knew that when death came for him, he would have to to begin anew. That new start couldn't happen if he still had to fulfill that promise, if the knew him was still bound to this life by that connection. He couldn't allow it.

"By the time I'm old, by the time I go, they'll be okay." Alric said finally. "They'll be grown, maybe have kids of their own, they won't need me anymore. If I come back, and if I remember that promise, I know I'll seek them out."

It was that simple. "I can't have that."

 

[Danger Arceneau]

He didn’t have to explain. But perhaps in telling her aloud, in voicing the reasons, the logic behind it, the necessity, it would make him feel better. Grant him peace.

It was a decision he had already made, heartbreaking as it was. Her fingers would tighten, interlocking together. She would drop her head a bit, staring down at her hands as she quietly would be his confessional.

A life worth living, she had told him. Into that affect, the path he chose made sense. In her mind already, she was coming to terms on what it would entail. What the process would be. One could not simply remove the twins without severing the threads that connected them to others. Six degrees of separation.

With the girls came Silara, with Silara came the realization of falling in love. One could not simply unravel one thread without dire consequences. Personality, quirks, choices, everything.

Freedom.

Her head would dip in another silent nod, a slight furrow marring her brow between her eyes.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

He gave her a soft smile. Slowly his hand reached over to her own, his fingers enveloping her hands.
"I'm not going to forget them, Danger. Not completely." Alric's voice was steady, calm. "The Dat'Qah doesn't just store information. It stores emotions, transitive thoughts, memories, impulses. Everything, but it stores it all in different sections."

She would know that, it would have been explained to her in the beginning. "It's a living creature interfaced with a machine, and just like every machine and every living creature, it can be fooled. There's a part of it, a piece of the parasite thats linked to transitive emotion, and then physical memory. I don't want him to search for them. I don't want him to go hunting for a promise he's already fulfilled. When I die, years from now, I will die knowing I fulfilled that promise. I know I'll feel satisfied, and he'll carry on that satisfaction."

It was hard to explain, but it would make sense once it happened. Cutting out the physical memory was what he wanted. Lily and Rose's names, their faces, their accomplishments. It would all go, but the feeling of loving his daughters, seeing them grow up, watching them become something more, the satisfaction and pride that he knew he would feel on his death bed, that would remain.

It would remove the urge to hunt for them, and the ability to do so.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Danger had already begun to mentally compartmentalize her emotions and thoughts when Alric's clarification drew her from her internalization. Here stoic understand quickly shifted into one of bewilderment.

Wait, what did he mean about Lily and Rose? His promise to them? Her head swung up, staring at him in growing perplextion. Did he not mean to simply remove the entirety of the Dat'qah tattoo in its entirety?

Licking her lips, she quizzingly began to ask,"Are you.. Suggesting you only want to remove traces of the girls." No, it couldn't be. It wasn't that easy. There was an edge of dumbfounded query as if dazed.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

Alric sat quietly, slightly startled by her words.

"Not all of them." He said quietly in answer, clear confusion in his tone.

Alric had no idea what Danger was thinking. If he removed the Tattoo in its entirety, if he took out the Dat'qah it would do something different. The clone would be born a blank, with Alrics drive, ambition, and push. He would become what he was now, in one way or another, or so he assumed. He frowned slightly, casting a glance towards the knife that sat on the table.

The blade seemed menacing now, hurtful.

He hadn't thought of it like that before, but the tone of Dangers voice, the way she avoided his eyes while still looking at him with confusion. It made the blade into something cruel.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

Danger blinked.

Not all of them. Not all of them.

For a second Danger would stare at Alric as if unsure she heard correctly. But the combination of his soft tone and the brief expression of doubt that swept across his swarthy face told her she did.

Her mouth open to speak, only to close. She had to relay this carefully.

"Alric..." She began, her hand turning within his to interlock with his own "Memories don't work that way. We can't just pick and choose." No, the girls were connected to Silara, and then everything else that lead up to her. Fiona. Danger.

That is what she had originally thought Alric meant. That he would remove the tattoo in its entirety to give his clone a new life without her ties of the past.

"Every one of those memories is connected to others-- to your life. ". A pause came, and she shook her head.

"Alric... I thought you were going to remove the Dat'qah in its entirety..," she said quietly, the insinuation of what that exactly meant would be perfectly clear.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

[member="Danger Arceneau"]

He stared blankly at her for a few moments.

"I can't do that." Alric said simply. He didn't want to forget. He never wanted to forget. That was not his intention in doing this, it wasn't his plan. He didn't even want to forget Lily and Rose. All he wanted, all he ever really wanted was for his clone to have a life that he didn't. To not constantly worry about daugthers that weren't his, to not think of what could have been or what could be, but instead think about his own life.

"He'd go down the same path. He would become exactly what I am now." Alric spoke, his voice slightly haunted. "I can't forget the things that have happened to me. I can't forget what i went through with Silara. What it taught me. I can't forget those experiences. I can't...I can't forget you."

Everything he had gone through, everything he was. A second chance would mean nothing if he didn't realize that it was a second chance. He knew himself, he knew his younger self. He would make the same mistakes, go through the same problems, he would do it all over again if he didn't know better.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

She gave a sharp intake of breath.

Hearing that gave her a measure of solace, but it didn't change what he was attempting to do.

"Then think about this carefully." She began, both hands now interlocking with his, warmth transferring. Tangible heat. A rock to latch onto. Verdant orbs would search the depths of turbulent oceanic blue.

"What do you want? What exactly are you trying to do? What is your end goal?"

 

[Alric Kuhn]

"Twenty, thirty years from now..." For a second he trailed off, taking a deep breath then continuing on. "When Lily and Rose are older. When they've found what they've wanted, when they know themselves, have families of their own. When I've done what I promised them, when I know they're safe and ready without me..."

Again he stopped, thinking for a moment. "When all that is done, I want to die, and I want him, my clone, to be born without the need to carry on my burdens."

That was the right way to put it.

"I want him to have my experiences, what I went through, what I put myself through, what I learned from you, Silara, my entire life, but I don't want him to have the obligations I do." It was so far in the future that it seemed like an impossibility, but that was Alric, thinking twelve steps ahead. "I want him to be free."

 

[Danger Arceneau]

There was a long pause.

It was idyllic really. Almost naive. For a moment she could not help the softening of her features. Nor how her right hand untangled itself from his to cup the scruff of his jaw.

Her voice was low, soft, and intimate. "We have no control over when we will pass. Anything can happen today. Tomorrow. Next week." It was the flaw in his plan.

"Erasing the details of Lily and Rose now won't change that. We are not Gods to discern when our final hour is upon us. The future isn't carved in stone. Only your epitaph."

Nothing was certain.

 

[Alric Kuhn]

Again, silence.

Was it naive? Incredibly. Was it stupid? Perhaps. Was it well meaning? Yes. Alric wasn't thinking of himself, or rather, he was in a different manner. The being that would be reborn, the clone, Alric didn't consider him to be part of himself, or even another version of himself. To Alric he was another being, another person, an entirely different sapient that would have his own life and own decisions.

Perhaps Danger didn't see it that way, perhaps she thought of it as another life for herself, yet to Alric, to Alric it was something else.

Difficult to explain, maybe impossible to. It was something born of what happened in the museum, how Alric now saw clones and how everything had shifted slightly to the left. It was strange, maybe even a bit stupid, but it was how Alric thought. "I just want him to live a good life."

It was so odd saying that.

 

[Danger Arceneau]

"Then if you want him to live a good life... picking and choosing what would be best for him would not be it." she told him after a long moment.

"Not to mention... those memories of Lily and Rose are connected to others." one could not just tug at a thread and expect it not to take the entire sweater with it.

"To Silara. To your sisters. To me. To your entire life." In her mind, there was no middle ground. Instead of the boon he believed he was giving to his clone, it would be curse. One where the thoughts of his children would be met with a blurred hazy note, like an elder with alzheimer's. How was that living?

"Life isn't a neat box, Alric. It is messy, it is chaotic, and it has its pitfalls and its joys, but it is a life that is lived."