Amelia Sorenn-Syrush [Character and Writer Feedback]

[Amelia von Sorenn]

This is something I've been meaning to do for a while now since reading through the feedback of the previous thread I posted here a while back.

I'm mainly trying to gauge how receptive the community is towards Amelia. I know with previous characters I've had, I would jump from idea to idea and I believe that lately I've done my best to curb that.

I turned the Holy Order of the Righteous Flame into an NPC Organization - now known as the Knights of the Pyre -as I felt it was the best and had always wanted to delve into their story more than anything else.

While I had a minor hickup with the Free Worlds Coalition, I found my stride in the Commenor Systems Alliance with Amelia having consolidated a few positions into her singular Minister of Defense title.

I've even been focusing on developing more of the lore, history and story of the various Vampirika Bloodlines - specifically Sorenn-Syrush - as well as finding inspiration for the various companies I've been coming up with (which will all tie back to the Sorenn-Syrush Dynasty in some way).


I suppose the main focus on this is that I am looking for feedback on both my character and myself so that I can better both myself and my character.

 

[Malok]

[member="Amelia Sorenn-Syrush"]

1. TL;DR goes a long way: I've noticed that, in your advertisements you are very detailed and lengthy. That's good as detail is 99% of the battle but it also makes reading through a little arduous. What I'd suggest is having a friend or two read over the first draft to see if anything can be abridged, reworded, or condensced.

2. And then what: I've also noticed that you link your advertisements in statuses or the LFG portion of Chaos discord but I don't see much follow up beyond that. Now, I admit I don't see your inbox so I could be totally wrong - but as you're competing with literally every facet of Star Wars for interest, I feel like more dialogue about your projects would help.

3. Gatorade: Don't go full Circe in bios. Never go full Circe in bios.

 

[Amelia von Sorenn]

1. I have noticed that I do get a bit wordy and ramble on with advertisements and the like. I'll work on asking for people's opinions on my posts for such and attempt to add in tl;dr sections that sum up the bulk of the post.

2. This is another problem I've been attempting to tackle. While I've focused my efforts and limited the characters I've been portraying, I am having difficulty with the follow up afterwards.

3. Amelia likes the ladies... though I'll do my best to cut back on this where I can.


Thank you for your insight.

[member="Darth Metus"]

 

[Asher Mossa]

3. Gatorade: Don't go full Circe in bios. Never go full Circe in bios.

It's okay for the character to like the ladies... but hitting on them in the bios as soon as they are posted is getting annoying...

As for the character... I think you have a good concept here and you seem to always be full of ideas. I love the fact you see to have fun with your stuff. That is what RP is about!

 

[Ordo]

Boo.