Private All the Rage

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora grunted as she sent her fist crashing through the screen of a holotv. Stance wide, she pulled her hand back with a hiss of satisfaction, heedless of the glass slivers that pelted her protective goggles.

"Oh, I like these." She murmured in approval, holding one heavily gloved hand up to Kahlil. The gauntlets were specially designed for protection in mind, so the weight made her a little slower, but they ultimately made punching her way through discarded electronics that much more delightful.

"When I was there, I wasn't sure that I wanted to come back, really." Cora often talked around difficult situations, but with Kahlil in the rage room, she was learning the virtues of speaking plain. "The further I get from them, the more I feel like I'm starting to see them for what they are."

She wasn't stupid, but she was fairly young and impressionable, and fresh out of a traumatic marriage. Being raised in a sheltered environment had left her lacking in life experiences, a gap which the galaxy seemed intent on filling rapidly.

There was Thule. They were the Sith.

A sharp kick to the corner of the screen sent the tv tumbling to the ground in a chorus of warped plastoid and shattered glass. Cora lingered over the mess, observing the newly jagged edges she'd made.

"It just felt so real, though. I'm no Master, but when you're raised in a court full of cheats and backstabbers, you get a feel for who's being two-faced." She grimaced. "Are they just good liars, or do you think some of it was real?"

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"They're all about your protection. And, well, there's nothing quite like feeling something break against your fist." Out of context, and even in, that sounded far worse than what he meant. But for Kahlil, fighting and breaking things were very much his life. Epicanthix loved to fight, especially as a way to show skill. That, and he didn't want to talk about what was on both their minds without her being the first to broach it.

Which, she did. In a stunning display of violence no less.

Kahlil shrugged as he brought a bat down onto a glass topped table. The glass shattered, the metal bent. "I imagine it was real. The best lies are told in truths. Never the whole truth, never the whole picture. It's rare for a Sith who knows the game to truly lie since that tends to backfire when the truth comes out. But it's easy to get caught up in the moment. To see what's only directly in front of you. .. It's good you've taken a step back, even if you didn't end up staying."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora frowned at Kahlil's answer - not necessarily because she disliked what he had to say - but because his words made her think.

The truth, but not the whole truth.

"I feel so stupid." She admitted with a grumble, squinting down at the wreckage she'd created. "I was in a particularly bad place when we'd first met. I should've stopped things there."

Cora raised her foot just a few inches, then brought it down heavily on a shard of glass. It crunched satisfyingly under the heel of her boot.

"His favor kept me alive, so I should be grateful. Those who didn't convert were consumed by him. I feel like a traitor, like it would’ve been more honorable to die."

Fragments of glass skittered cross the floor as she nudged them away with the toe of her shoe.

"How is Shan? Is he alright?"

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"There's a difference between being stupid and being ignorant. You didn't know. How could you know?"

There was only so much a Jedi could be trained for. This experience that she had, it wasn't something any kind of training could explain. At least not any good training. He reached down to the table, lifted it up, then hucked it with all his might clear across the room and into a window that had been propped up. The shattering of glass was always a good sound in a place like this. Pretty and clear.

"Now you know. You've learned, that's what experience is." He paused, glancing back towards her. Frowned.

"Death isn't honorable." He didn't elaborate. Instead, he let out a sigh and smiled. "Shan is fine, don't worry."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"I should've known not to fall into the arms of a Sith Lord." She grumbled.

There was a thoughtful note in her voice, though - Kahlil was right. She'd made a mistake, and she'd learned from it. Book lessons could only take you so far. In some cases, experience was the best teacher.

She looked on as Kahlil hefted the table into a window, a chorus of shattered glass spreading across the far end of the floor. Cora sometimes forgot, calm and gentle as he’s been, just how strong Kahlil really was.

Shan was alright, though. That was good. Survivor's guilt would gnaw at the back of her mind for a long time - but at least that was something young Jedi were prepared for.

"Can I ask," Cora shoved a heavy ceramic pot, worn and chipped, from its pedestal. It landed with a heavy clunk, splitting into several large shards. "How did you come to the Light?"

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"I didn't right away." Kahlil let out a breath before looking towards his next prey. Some fine china, by all appearances. He reached down to pluck up a disjointed leg of the earlier table to swing it right through the display and send them scattering. "A Jedi came to me. Knew who I was after I'd fled the Sith. I'd spent a couple years just floating along in the Bastion and living as a spacer. Told me it was my responsibility to stand against my Father because Zambrano's are gifted with the Force."

It wasn't the path he chose on his own, that much was for certain.

"Joined the Silver Jedi, lived there in the temple, panicked that one day my father might take me over and hoped that maybe I could find a way to fix it. I did, eventually, but not before I abandoned the order to live as a spacer again. Kept kind of being a Jedi, just because I did agree with what Jedi were. Wasn't until I found Valery and fell in with the New Jedi that I'd say I truly found the Light. Hell, it took being cut from the Force entirely for months to find it."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

With two hands, Cora retrieved one of the large, awkwardly shaped ceramic shards. She whipped it into the discarded holo-tv, admiring the heavy sound it made on impact and the puncture it left in the screen.

"So your path hasn't exactly been a straight line, so to speak."

There was some relief in that. Jedi were held to a high galactic standard, and Cora felt like she was zigging and zagging around it. It helped to know that Kahlil's own progression to Shield of the Jedi had been a slow build, rather than a sudden epiphany.

"What made you leave the Sith in the first place?"

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Tiredness, really."

He didn't break something else this time. He reached down, lifting up a semi functional looking stool to prop up and take a seat on. There was one rule above all other general safety rules in the rage room; no usage of the Force. That was exactly how one found themselves on the path to the Dark Side, emotionally using the Force. And without the Force, Kahlil's body wasn't truly that enduring. The Dark had sapped much of his vitality in the time he'd used it, and in rare moments like this it truly showed.

"I spent so long being paranoid. I wore a mask, hid who I was under the guise of Dubiety so the other Sith wouldn't know who I was or that I was a son of the Emperor. When I stopped, I fought in wars. Killed so many, tortured more. Turned hundreds into monsters and used their corpses to make undead. All so I wouldn't be erased by Carnifex, much as my original had been not too long ago."

It was a sad thought, thinking back to the Wellspring, back to where the two halves had become one. And the true born son being so utterly erased.

"When I was sixteen, I met people. Another Sith who treated me as a friend. Who introduced me to her friends. Jedi, ironically enough, and others. I found myself doubting everything I had believed. And when I met Kelsie, she'd offered her hand even though I was trying to kill her at the time. She got me off world, taught me how to run a ship, how to make deals. Live and work on a freighter until I could buy my own and make it on my own. I still lived in fear, but for the first time I'd been free, and I certainly don't regret leaving."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

When Kahlil paused to take a moment, so did Cora. The mood had shifted, and she regarded the Jedi Master with wide eyes as he recounted his time among the Sith.

It wasn't pretty, but he was honest. Cora appreciated the lack of a sugar coating, even if she had trouble reconciling who she knew Kahlil to be with what he had been. How do you go from murderous Sith to making Sunday morning pancakes for your family?

"Thats quite the journey. You've been through a lot, Master Noble." Her acknowledgement was soft as she stared at the shard of pottery that rested in her hands, eyes tracing over every jagged edge. Contemplation gently creased her brow.

"I was always told what my role in life was - at first, it wasn't stifling. It was comforting to know that in a wild place like the galaxy, I knew exactly who I was and what was expected of me."

She held the shard aloft, squinting into the ceramic finish as if she were staring at the sun.

"Corazona von Ascania, daughter of Viscount Marcel von Ascania. Born to serve her people in the only meaningful way that a Ukatian noblewoman can; as marriage fodder."

She let the broken piece slip through her fingers, smiling faintly at the sound of earthenware shattering against the duracrete floor.

"If Horace hadn't been what he was, I might've stayed. The Sith…he never made me feel as though he'd hurt me, but some part of me was always a little afraid of him."

If she had stayed on Thule, it would've meant immeasurable danger for her. It would've meant completely turning her back on the Jedi, on those who'd cared for her in her darker hours.

As nice as it had felt to be coveted, Cora knew that deep down it couldn’t last. Nwul had been right about many things, but he'd been wrong about the Jedi.

"I don’t think there’s any path that won’t be a struggle.”

Some were worth it, though.

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"We've both been through a lot that no one should ever have to go through."

It wasn't a competition. Kahlil knew better than most that people were going to compare their pasts to his. If he could go through all that and still be a Jedi Master like he was, what were their troubles? It's why he didn't tell people, especially the younger Jedi. Pain and trauma was just that. No one should have to suffer, and no one should be made to feel like their traumas were somehow less.

"Struggle gives meaning to living. The bad gives meaning to the good. Death gives meaning to life. Everything you've been through you shouldn't have. But because of it, you've chosen a path forward. You'll never forget, never truly heal. But the scars do fade some, and the pain does lessen. Not because of time or distance, but because in spit of them you forge ahead and fill them with better memories and a better life. One day you might even be able to forgive yourself."

He wasn't just talking about her anymore, despite his attempt to pass on his words of wisdom. He was still coming to terms with his own actions, even now. But his family, seeing his children grow happy and safe compared to his own life, made everything feel worth it to him. His scars made him who he was.

"Really, whatever the struggle, make sure it's one you choose for yourself. But we both know you're not going to let anyone choose for you again, right?" This time he grinned. After everything, he was proud of her.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

To know that Kahlil had struggled through tough choices made Cora feel less alone. He had lived through some terrible things and had come out on the other side.

She didn't need to verbalize her doubts or tell him about the nightmares that still snuck up on her. Those were par for the course.

Like he said, she'd fill her scars with better memories. Over time. A lot of time.

"Right now I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I don't really recognize myself anymore."

Some parts were better, she figured, while others were worse. The dust was still settling.

"Never again." Her solemn declaration broke into a grin to match his own. "I stood up to my father, finally. You should've seen the look on his face."

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"You won't for a bit. But eventually you will. It's alright to be uncertain. Just make sure you talk to someone, yeah?" It didn't necessarily even have to be him or Valery if that made her uncomfortable. All that mattered was she had someone to talk to, rather than sit on all these emotions and have no place to put them.

"How is it? Being back, I mean. I know you've a couple friends here that were happy to see you again. Have to talked to any of em?"

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"I will." She promised. "Talking plainly about my feelings – like right now – has never come easily to me. But I'll try."

Makko had always been better at expressing himself, even if he wasn't as eloquent. They'd been so close before she'd left, and Cora idly wondered if there was any way to salvage their bond.

"Oh," Kahlil's question pulled her back to the present. "I talked to Ko, we did some work in the garden which was nice. And Makko and I watched some holotv together. That was nice."

During which she'd ended up collapsing into his arms and sobbing for Ashla knows how long. It was cathartic, she realized. It didn't make her whole again, but it made painful memories a little easier to process. That, and it had felt nice to be close to him again.

"…because we watched a show together." Cora clarified a question that Kahlil hadn't asked, coughing nervously. "That's all."

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Valery and I watch shows together all the time." Whether he was suggesting it was something more or not was left very much up to interpretation. He made no face, no coyness, to suggest he was suggesting anything. At least at first. "Just so long as you're watching shows safely."

That was all he was going to say on that matter. He knew enough about how Cora and Makko felt for one another from Vera to think there would likely be less show watching at some point in their future.

".. And the Force? You mentioned before it's.. Difficult to connect to."

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora's eyes widened. It somehow made her feel more embarrassed that Kahlil was implying what he was while wearing such a straight face. Or maybe he wasn't and she was just –

"Just so long as you're watching shows safely."

Her face went beet red. What she should've said was nothing, what she did say came out as a sputtered mess: "T-that's not…we..we're- only shows! I promise, n-nothing else!"

The Padawan cleared her throat aggressively while pointedly looking at the wall furthest from Kahlil. No matter how far she'd come in handling difficult situations, certain insinuations never failed to make her blush. Fortunately, Kahlil had swiftly moved on to another topic.

"Difficult?" Her lips pursed slightly in thought. "Maybe when I first came back from Ukatis, but now, not so much. On Thule I did find myself utilizing the Force in a way that felt…" Idly, Cora traced a finger along the scar at her cheek. "…different."

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

He had little doubt she was at least telling the truth. But with how close those two were, he also had no doubt they'd reach that point. At least Makko was a good lad. Though now he had himself wondering if he should, perhaps, be a bit more protective of Cora. .. No, she was an adult now. She could make her choices without him looming over them. Yeah that didn't feel right in the slightest.

"It felt powerful though, didn't it?" He instead latched onto that topic. He understood what she'd done to survive there, but it was important for them to talk about.

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

"It did."

Cora glanced up to Kahlil, momentarily surprised. That expression dropped quickly when she remember that for much of his life, Kahlil had been a Sith. Of course he knew what the dark felt like.

"Alluringly so." She sighed. "It made me want to learn more, beyond an academic sense. I'd almost agreed to be taught."

Cora smiled weakly, recalling how she'd pulled away at the last moment in the garden.

“If what happened to Ukatis hadn’t happened, I might have been.”

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"That's the temptation of it. The rush of power, how it feels. You know it now. It's up to you to not fall back to it, because it's certainly a drug."

And one that would sap the life from her far worse than any spice could.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Corazona von Ascania

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

Cora did want to talk about it, but she wasn't exactly sure how to broach the subject. Maybe it was already broached enough?

"Do you still get tempted by it? How do you resist it?"

A drug was a good way to describe the feeling. An addiction she could fall back on for a sense of control.

Kahlil Noble

 

[Kahlil Noble]

"Every day. It's much easier now to resist it. Time dulls a lot of things, and you can see it for what it is. But it's always there. The linger to want to use it because you know how powerful it is. Or, more often, just not thinking about it. When people threaten my family, when they're in danger, it's hard. Like during your engagement and I saw how miserable you were. When I saw the bruise on your face. Your father was very fortunate I'd only punched him."

There was a lot more he'd wanted to do. A lot more he could've done. The temptation to end the nobility that allowed an underaged girl be not just abused but forced into a marriage was one he'd destroyed if he didn't keep control. If Valery hadn't been there to keep him in check.

"Valery kept me in check. She always does, more often than not. But I'm not infallible."

She'd seen it. When Valery was captured. Tortured. The people he killed, the lack of remorse he held. He was very capable of using the Dark if he didn't keep himself in check and remind himself not to.

"Your emotions will lead you to it. And you'll forget. Trust the people around you to remind you. Trust yourself to remember. That's all you can do."

Corazona von Ascania