Private After Silence

[Eurydice]

Observe. Find their strengths and weaknesses. Exploit them.

Eurydice blinked up at Varin. She wasn't struck so much by the content of what he'd said, she was struck by the realization that the Sith operated in an eerily similar way to the Seers of Ukatis.

She fidgeted, idly picking at the skin around one of her almond shaped nails while debating how much to say, if she should say anything at all.

"That's...actually very similar to what I did back home. Observe nobility, the people who made decisions. I didn't…" she trailed, eyes rolling towards the ceiling as if the right phrasing would be written there. "I didn't involve myself, though. We weren't supposed to."

Seers had been this strange, mystical order of oracles. They were also the shadows that clung to Ukatian splendor.

"I guess I have to take this one step further." Eurydice offered Varin a small, troubled smile. "I'm used to watching. Not participating."

Did Varin really think that she was capable? Somehow, that thought made her feel a little lighter. And yet, he seemed to sink down into his seat as if dragged by leaden weights.

Eurydice studied his face carefully, quietly. There was more that he wasn't saying, and she couldn't tell how much or how little. Whatever it was made him ache. Either way, she'd let it rest.

"You are carrying a lot," she observed, voice soft. "I think it's good to be hard on yourself, sometimes. But Varin…" she took a moment to try and properly word the thought she wanted to convey. "You can't be too hard on yourself, otherwise you won't be able to tell which direction is forward anymore."

Pep talks weren't her strong point. Eurydice didn't know how to uplift someone, so all she could do was acknowledge his suffering. Still, Varin seemed to have a more robust social life than her, which made her all the more curious. Small, pale fingers drummed against the armrest of her chair.

"Is there anyone that you talk to about these sorts of things?"

Varin Mortifer

 

[Varin Mortifer]

VARIN MORTIFER

Equipment: Durum Mantle | Black Blade of Chandrila | Eye of The Dragon | Heavy Sith Mace | Cross Guard Broadsaber

His eyes found hers, something in them, in his eyes, made him look terribly exhausted. As if he just needed to rest, but he simply could not do that.

“Unfortunately you are in the same boat as me. We are not back home, and new territories require new strategies.”

He looked at his hands as he slowly flexed his fingers.

“Sometimes…we are forced to do things we normally would not do.”

He thought back to Tapani, all those lives he swallowed up during the siege of the palace, the ruler that he incinerated, and finally…the rest of his family.

That day, Varin became the very man he swore he would kill…and he hated it.

But what choice did he have? What could he have done differently? It didn't matter, what had been done cannot be undone.

“I feel I am not hard enough on myself, Eurydice.”

Those words, they reminded him of what he told his Mother in The Box, while he sat there held by chains and feeding tubes, freezing.

Varin? The Galaxy has not been kind to you…

Her words echoed in his head before he quietly spoke to himself, just below a whisper.

“The Galaxy has been too easy on me…”

He fell silent as his fingers gently balled into loose fists, then her question hit him.

Did he have anyone he could talk to about this?

His head slowly shook.

“Not anyone I want to tell. They do not need to know what all happened.”

Eurydice​

 

[Eurydice]

Eurydice watched Varin's hands as they moved. She noticed the roughness of his knuckles, the callous skin beneath his forefinger when he drew it back.

He was right, she thought. About being forced to do things that they would normally not do. She liked to think that, given the choice, she might've been a good person. Somehow, she was slowly losing her grip on what normal was supposed to be for her. She also realized, quite alarmingly, that Varin was the first person she'd spoken to since her capture that seemed to understand - at least in part - the sort of stressors that she was under.

His seemed far more visceral, though. Far more targeted. Eurydice had no mother or siblings, and her father was a distant figure that occupied few memories. Varin had family, though. She'd been told that family was a weakness, that they could be leverage.

It was evident just how true that was – Varin didn't talk about the physical torture in the same way that he did about disappointing his mother and father. This pain wasn't some sensation that could be funneled into a distant echo with the right technique, it was personal.

Again, she watched the way his fingers cinched inward, balling into a fist. Something in Eurydice's expression softened.

"I once heard that giving voice to your pain helps it to feel a little lighter." Her hands clasped together now, thumbs twiddling against other another. "If you'd like to talk about it, I will listen."

Varin Mortifer

 

[Varin Mortifer]

VARIN MORTIFER

Equipment: Durum Mantle | Black Blade of Chandrila | Eye of The Dragon | Heavy Sith Mace | Cross Guard Broadsaber

Varin quietly chuckled at her suggestion. It wasn't that he didn't believe her, he just had no intention of burdening her with his problems.

Afterall, he was a Mortifer, and they always stood against their problems, unflinching.

“I appreciate your offer. But, it seems like I have been doing most of the talking. Please, tell me more about yourself. How has the Covenant been treating you?”

It was a terrible deflection, one she could have easily seen through, but what more could he say? That he was terrified to talk? That more people would see him as a monster or a weapon or some to to be used until he broke.

No, he could not break. Breaking would mean to live out usefulness, and he had value in usefulness. And that far ran deep.

He always needed to prove himself, even when no one was around. Even if it was just Eurydice.

He could not let her see him…

As weak…

As much as he hated it, people looked up to him or put him up on a high horse, and because of that he could not afford to fall.

He looked at her, a soft smile on his face. A smile to hide the tattered uniform he wore and the cracked armor over it.

“No one has given you trouble I hope”

Eurydice​

 

[Eurydice]

Eurydice picked at the edge of her sleeve. She'd identified Varin's deflection, and it wasn't her place to push, no matter how stiff or clumsy her initial offer had been.

Communing with people her age was always something she'd been woefully inept in. Childhood and adolescence among the Seers had put less emphasis on social development, and more on rote dedication to their duties serving Ukatis.

"The Covenant has been…"

Yet, despite how awkward their initial meeting had been, Eurydice felt somewhat at ease with Varin. Taking with him made her feel a little more…whole. As a person. Kindness was a vice that Nefaron had warned against, one that would be used to trick her.

"Fine," she decided, which was high praise given that her first few days in Anoat's citadel had been spent on a stone slab. "It has been fine. I am often left to my tasks, and the Lords and Knights have not taken notice of me."

Which was ideal, as far as Eurydice was concerned. She cocked her head in thought.

"The Covenant appears to be far more social than the Seers. I’m not used to this.”

Eurydice had already picked through the first few stitches of her hemmed sleeve. That was fine. She found sewing to be calming, even if calm wasn't a virtue the Sith held in high esteem.

"Forgive me if this sounds strange, but…"

The girl lifted her head, then cast her gaze to the corner of the room, well aware that this was an awkward thing to ask.

"Are we friends, Varin?"

Varin Mortifer

 

[Varin Mortifer]

VARIN MORTIFER

Equipment: Durum Mantle | Black Blade of Chandrila | Eye of The Dragon | Heavy Sith Mace | Cross Guard Broadsaber

Varin gave her a simple look of confusion.

“Usually acolytes wish to be noticed.”

He watched as she picked at her robe, then to her missing arm. A small pain pulsed through his chest as he thought.

If I had been there…that would not have happened. And whoever had tried, would have been forgotten to time by now.

He took a small breath to ease the thoughts, what was done has been done. There was no point in dwelling on what ifs or could haves.

But her question pulled his attention completely back to her.

...friends…?

For the first time since they had met each other in this room his gaze softened at her words. His hand gently came up, then hesitated before he followed through, placing it on her hand as she picked on her robe, if only to cease her tick for a moment.

He looked her in the eyes, searching to see of what she asked had been a real question, or a trick of the mind from medicines flowing through his system.

“Eurydice…”

His voice was quiet, soft. A tone that showed a deliberate care to the words he was about to utter.

“I don't think friends covers how I feel for you.”

His hand slightly tightened over hers, a gentle squeeze.

“You were one of the first strangers to show me kindness after I left Korriban. You seemed to accept me for just who I was…”

He offered her a soft smile.

“You are more than just a friend to me. How you see me I may never know, but I know that whenever I see you…I feel…”

His voice caught for a moment before he continued.

“I feel that what you had shown me back on that night we met, was something special. And that's something worth protecting.”

His hand slowly pulled away.

“Just friends, does not cover it. You have become part of my family now.”

His gaze stayed with hers.

“And if you ever need anything from me…please tell me.”

Eurydice​

 

[Eurydice]

Eurydice began quietly panicking in the silence before Varin spoke. Had she read this wrong? Was he about to tell her that they weren't actually friends?

But his voice was soft. Gentle, even. So was his hand atop her own.

“I don't think friends covers how I feel for you.”

Crimson heat bloomed over pale cheeks. Eurydice could only process what folllwed in snippets.

More than just a friend. Something special. Worth protecting.

Despite her quiet demeanor, she was still very much a teenage girl - one who was socially stunted, who couldn't differentiate platonic from romantic affection because both were so utterly foreign for her.

Yet she was human, and she craved these things. To be loved, appreciated, and to belong, even if she didn't quite know it herself.

To look at Varin now was like looking at the sun. Eurydice wanted to look away, but she was compelled to hold his gaze. To feel just how soft his calloused hand atop her own could be.

Then, he pulled that hand away.

You have become part of my family now.

Eurydice's hand fell from the armrest, fingers twisting into the skirt of her cloak. A rush of unfamiliar emotion hit her, rendering her speechless. A part of her was tentatively thrilled, a larger part of her was suspended in disbelief, and a smaller, more abstract part of her felt a sour note of disappointment for what she might've been hoping for.

Eurydice curled her sleeve over her fingers, then dabbed beneath her eyes.

"You are…" she began, voice tight around the lump in her throat, "The first person to be kind to me after arriving in the greater galaxy. That's why I hold you in such high esteem, Varin."

She tried for a smile here, but it looked more like a watery grimace.

"My mother passed shortly after my birth. I've no siblings that I know of. I haven't seen my father in so long that I fear I've forgotten his face."

Eurydice did not know that he'd been killed in the attack where she'd been captured. Sometimes, when sleep would not take her, she tried to picture her father. The particulars of his visage had begun to slip away at an alarming rate.

"I suppose I don't know what it really means to be family," she conceded. "But I know that it is important."

She'd grown up surrounded by families, after all. They'd existed just out of arms reach. To have a chance at something like that was unfathomable.

"Are there others? That you've brought in to your family?"

Varin Mortifer

 

[Varin Mortifer]

VARIN MORTIFER

Equipment: Durum Mantle | Black Blade of Chandrila | Eye of The Dragon | Heavy Sith Mace | Cross Guard Broadsaber

He felt the surge of emotion within her. Surprise, disbelief and a hint of something that wanted more. He could tell, and he could see it.

But he did not chase after those feelings, instead he let her speak her piece after she dabbed away the tears from her eyes.

She spoke of her family, how she barely knew her mother, no idea if she had siblings and the slow decay of her father's memory disappearing into oblivion before her.

That stung him. He knew what it was like to start forgetting his family. It started with their voice.

His mother used to sing in the garden as she worked on plants. Now, that lullaby she hummed was lost to time.

He slowly shook his head at her.

“I should not be held in high esteem. I am not a good person. I have hurt people, even killed them. Some because I was following orders, and others…”

He trailed off from that sentence before he looked at her again.

“But you should know this, I would never do anything to harm you.”

“I do have others that I hold extremely close.”

His eyes softened before he continued.

“Family looks out for each other. That's the base of it, to watch each other's backs, to hold one up or help them when they fall.”

Eurydice​

 

[Eurydice]

There was something uncharacteristic in the particular way that Eurydice fell quiet.

“I…” she trailed, twisting pale fingers into the dark sleeve of her robe and whispered, “I’ve killed people, too.”

Would he still think highly of her then? Was it wrong that even though he alluded to killing for something other than following orders, she still thought highly of Varin?

Family looks out for each other.

“Oh.”

Eurydice pondered on that, and everything that came with it. Each sentence was like a revelation.

She knew what family was, of course. She’d watched mothers console their crying children, seen fathers teach their sons how to split wood and balance ledgers. The love, care, and support were sometimes there. She could see it. She could feel it, distant and muffled on the other side of a sheet of glass. It had never been meant for her.

Maybe now, family could be something for her, too.

“I’d like that,” she murmured. “Being apart of a family.” Eurydice lifted her gaze to Varin. “Your family.”

The Seer wasn’t certain how she’d be able to help support him, weak as she was. Perhaps this was her sign to gain strength not just for her own survival, but for someone else’s sake, too.

“I…thank you, Varin. Truly.”

She tried for a smile here, and though the line of her lips trembled, it was as genuine of an expression she’d given anyone since she'd been snatched from Ukatis.

Varin Mortifer

 

[Varin Mortifer]

VARIN MORTIFER

Equipment: Durum Mantle | Black Blade of Chandrila | Eye of The Dragon | Heavy Sith Mace | Cross Guard Broadsaber

She had killed too. It did not surprise him. It was likely she was forced to, she did not seem to be the type to just start killing people because she wanted to. No, he could tell. She did not have that killer instinct.

“You were forced to kill weren't you? Be it self defense or orders or given a choice between that or something worse.”

He fell quiet, his hand falling on hers as a way to console her.

“That does not make you terrible. It makes you a victim.”

He took a deep breath.

“Perhaps I can help you break that. You are not weak. Weak people would have given up, rolled over and died. You are still here. Stronger than you think.”

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

“And you are welcome into my family.”

When she began to thank him he almost put his hand up to silence it but instead he let her speak. He did not care to hear thanks, but he did care that people he was close to spoke their minds, and that was a luxury he would never take from them.

“I have a request.”

He paused as he looked at her.

“If or when you decide to get away from your current situation. The Covenant, or your prior engagement that we spoke of some time ago, tell me. And I will do what I can to make sure you have that freedom.”

He looked her in the eyes with a sincerity that would speak of a deep trust. A trust that was sealed with promise from his side that he would uphold no matter the costs.

Eurydice​

 

[Eurydice]

Eurydice kept her head down and resumed picking at her sleeve. That nervous tic stilled beneath the warmth of Varin's hand, but that same sensation made the heat beneath her skin rise. A confusing flutter tickled somewhere deep within her chest.

He understood, and that was enough to make her eyes sting again. It didn't make her guilt any lighter, though.

"I… I think that you can be both a bad person and a victim," she offered softly. Two things could exist at the same time. Her actions, though under duress, had still hurt people and taken lives.

Eurydice didn't follow that thread of thought much further, lest it take her to a darker place. She anchored herself on Varin's words, but there was a little more energy to the confused look she gave him.

"Break it?" She echoed. Her tentative curiosity piqued more at his request. Eurydice sat up a little straighter, and later she would reflect on the spark of eager joy she'd felt at the idea of someone needing something from her.

“If or when you decide to get away from your current situation. The Covenant, or your prior engagement that we spoke of some time ago, tell me. And I will do what I can to make sure you have that freedom.”

Freedom.

Eurydice was suddenly and acutely aware of how dry and tight her throat was. She glanced away, absently whetting her lips with her tongue as she slowly absorbed the impact of Varin's words.

They were both only acolytes. If she had to estimate, then Varin might be on the cusp of knighthood. He was strong. Was he stronger than Nefaron, and the army he'd built? Of the Lords with their infinite strength and resources?

Could he really help her get away from it all?

Eurydice gathered her strength and shifted her gaze back towards Varin, tilting up from beneath her lashes. For a few moments, she stared at him. Then, she nodded. Slow and tentative as always, but the gesture of it was genuine.

"Okay," she breathed softly on an exhale, as if the words themself were entirely new to her. The concept certainly was. "I don't know if something like that can ever happen. But if it does, I…"

Could it become more than wishful thinking…?

"I will tell you."

Varin Mortifer