Private A Taste of the Good Life

[Ishani Dinn]

Before misery made her a fiend, Rhi was a sobbing wreck lying on her bed, facing the wall. She had been that way ever since the trial ended, depressed and anguished by all that had happened.

She oscillated between sorrow and fury, her mood swinging wildly. Every now and then things would balance out. She would get up, collect herself, and begin to pace the floor, trying to think clearly. But then the storm in her mind would return, reducing her to tears once more, and she would sink back to the bed and bury her face in her pillow.

No one came to see her. The children had been sent away, and the others had left. Sometimes she wanted them all dead; sometimes she wished she was dead herself. Above all, she regretted what had happened. She wished she had done something sooner, had dealt with Pharus in another way. Whether it would've been a peaceful method, or an even more violent one, she did not know. She kept changing her mind.

Some part of her knew something was wrong. What she had done to the boy was not like her, not normal. But she didn't know what it was or what was causing it. The lack of control she felt over this only served to distress her further. Was she going insane? Or were the people around her the ones acting crazy?

The approach of familiar footsteps drew her out of her thoughts. She lifted her head, peering into the darkness. Night had fallen and the only sound she heard aside from those footsteps was the wind howling outside.

The footsteps drew nearer, standing just outside the door. With a simple movement of the Force, Rhi unlocked the bedroom door. The click of the latch echoed loud, then the door slid soundlessly open. A wordless invitation.

Arcturus Dinn

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

He hadn't long since returned to the Sky Temple. Zachariah Conway was safely tucked away within the budding roots of Celephaïs, the city which was to be his crowning glory, built upon the great river Inakhi which wound its way through the desert bringing springs of life and fertility in its wake. It was also a trade path, and would hopefully lend itself toward prosperity not just for Arcturus and his people but Darien Cordel and the Mercurians too.​

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It was so quiet now, walking softly through the halls. His feet were bare, and whenever a member of staff came into view he saw them scurrying off to find work to tend to. The Gods were most unhappy, they knew, and given that they hadn't the context to figure out why that was they figured it must have been something they'd done. That they'd face their wrath, their ire.​

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Just another thing on a long list of things to fix.​

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But first...​

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He halted on the other side of the door which housed his misery-laced wife. Their room ordinarily, though he got the distinct feeling that he might be sleeping in a much colder bed for a short while until things calmed down. He was mad with her, yes, but she was mad with him too for pushing so hard. Arcturus had been blinded by a need to fix things, a need to save people.​

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A foolish man to be sure, however well meaning.​

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The door swung inward a short while after he stopped, after the lock clicked, and all that awaited him on the other side was darkness. Darkness, and the faintest glimmer of light from the doorway rebounding from misty iris'.​

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"Rhi..." The word was uttered with an accompanying sigh, as Arcturus all but deflated now that he was free to cross the threshold. He did, closing the door behind himself and plunging them back into darkness. He'd taken off his night vision ring, he'd loaned it Zachariah Conway in hopes that he'd sleep more readily that night, so he was seeing the room just as she did.​

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Dark. Abyssal. Vacuous. Fitting given that all of the air seemed to be sucked from the space between them.​

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"What are we going to do, love?"​

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Soft patters echoed as he took a few steps forward, though he did not sit on the bed. He just stood, somewhat awkwardly, unsure of what she wanted from him. Serious talks were needed, he was beyond concerned, and more than that heartbroken, he knew that he'd have to take the reins for a while, whether or not his wife wanted him to. Such was far from in his comfort zone, but what did that matter? ​

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If things continued the way they were everything would be gone.​

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So yes, he was mad, and yes he'd have to confront her, but in that moment? That very moment? ​

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He wasn't Desdinova, he wasn't a God or a Pharaoh or even a Father. He was a husband.​

​

Her husband.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Arcturus entered the room. Closing the door behind him plunged the room into darkness once more. “Come closer,” she murmured when he stopped moving.

“The kids—where are they?” she asked, reaching toward him. “Please don’t take them away from me. Star needs me. They all need their mother…”

The pain in her voice as she pleaded with him was palpable, but she already knew he wouldn’t give in. He thought she was either mad, or a monster who hurt children. As far as he was concerned, he had to protect the kids from her.

"What are we going to do, love?"

She heard him ask the question, but she had no answer. Her hands continued to grope for him in the dark, trying to pull him into her arms.

“Something is wrong with me,” she whispered. “Don’t you leave me, Arcturus. I need you…”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

"The kids are safe" he assured her, as he slowly took two more steps forward until his knees brushed against the side of the mattress, "I'm not taking them from you, Rhiannon, but... You need some time from them. For their sakes, yes, but just as much for your own."​

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Something was wrong, she claimed, and he couldn't argue against it. To try and do so would be wrong of him, he would not feed into this any more than he already had. He did sit on the bed though, back to her only because of the way he was forced to sit. He reached back, and settled one hand in hers. An invitation of his own.​

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"I'm not going to leave you, Rhi..." He let out a long sigh. "I'm going to fight for you, fight with you, okay? But you need to fight it too, whatever this is. I'll get you help, I'll send for the best there is. Until then, until we figure out what's going on and work on it... I'm not bringing the kids here. That's not a threat, Rhiannon, so please don't see it that way. You've just been under a lot of pressure lately, and I should have noticed sooner that you weren't able to handle as much as was put on your shoulders. You need to rest, refind yourself. Not as a wife, or as a mother, but as yourself."​

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He turned to look at her, if she hadn't already nestled her way over to him. "I love you, you know? I do not at all condone what you did in there, what you put any of them through, but I do love you, and that isn't going to change." Well, so long as she didn't harm another one of the children. Once could be seen as an accident, caused by prolonged stress and strife. It wasn't good, it wasn't excusable, but still.​

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Twice?​

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Yeah, no, there would be no recovery from a second time. Then it was fast becoming a habit, and he would not put any of the children through that.​

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"Pharus is leaving tomorrow" he finally told her. "I already made the arrangements. Do... Do we need to talk about Zachariah?"​

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His heart sank, he and Zach had truly, deeply connected. He was great with the children, a fast and eager learner, and a valuable addition to their family. Their family, not the Pantheon but their home. But if Pharus had been too much, if she hadn't wanted him, then... he couldn't just assume how she felt toward the other boy either.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"I'm not taking them from you, Rhiannon, but... You need some time from them. For their sakes, yes, but just as much for your own."

“You think taking them away will help me?” There it was. The anger. The fury. “It will only make things worse. You think I’m some kind of monster who could hurt my own children? What about the damage Pharus would’ve done to our kids if I hadn’t stopped him from talking about the sacrifices within their earshot?”

Did he realize why she had done what she had done? Did he think it was all just part of her paranoia? Pharus had nearly blurted it all out. He proved in that moment that he had nothing but contempt for their family, that he would rather destroy their lives than be part of them.

It doesn’t excuse the choking, a pesky little voice in her head reminded her. You thought about silencing him. You’d never done it before, sure, but you went for the chokehold anyway. A spur of the moment decision. You had to do something, and fast.

But you wanted to do it, too. You wanted to make an example of him. Wanted to hurt him the way he had tried to hurt you. Just a boy, and yet it felt like he could crush me like a butterfly beneath his boot heel with a few careless words…

"I'm not going to leave you, Rhi..."

Relief flooded through her. Like all her other emotions lately, it was intense and overwhelming, leaving her euphoric. Had she been in a less fervent state of mind, she would’ve been more cautious and considerate about touching him under the circumstances, but not now. She flung her arms around him with wild abandon, and if he would let her, she’d kiss him until she was left gasping for breath.

"I'm going to fight for you, fight with you, okay? But you need to fight it too, whatever this is. I'll get you help, I'll send for the best there is. Until then, until we figure out what's going on and work on it... I'm not bringing the kids here. That's not a threat, Rhiannon, so please don't see it that way. You've just been under a lot of pressure lately, and I should have noticed sooner that you weren't able to handle as much as was put on your shoulders. You need to rest, refind yourself. Not as a wife, or as a mother, but as yourself."

“I don’t have a self,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’m nothing without you and the kids. I don’t have anyone else to turn to. I can’t exist in a vacuum, Arc, I…”

"I love you, you know? I do not at all condone what you did in there, what you put any of them through, but I do love you, and that isn't going to change."

“I know,” she whispered, resting her forehead against his chest. “I was stupid. I should have done something different. Like what you did. The silencing trick. Why didn’t you ever teach me that?” She paused, her brow furrowing. “The kids shouldn’t even have been there. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

Her thoughts were muddled. She couldn't recall the train of thought that had led to the children being brought there and expected to fulfill the roles they would one day grow into. They were so young, and there was still so much they couldn't possibly understand.

And now they've seen you hurt someone, the voice taunted. They'll be afraid of you. They won't forget it.

"Pharus is leaving tomorrow. I already made the arrangements."

Another heady rush of relief that made her want to impulsively kiss him. It was like she was drunk on her own emotions, intoxicated by the release of tension. She started to lean forward again, gently pressing her lips to the cleft of his chin, but his stammered question stopped her from going any further.

"Do... Do we need to talk about Zachariah?"

“What about him?” she asked. “He’s your apprentice.” It took her a moment to remember that yes, Arc had wanted to adopt Zachariah Conway too. “You’re taking things too fast,” she said. “Maybe he could become our son one day. But just because you like him a lot doesn’t mean we should induct him into our family. You didn’t marry me right after we met, you married me eight years later. We don’t know Zach well enough yet.” She certainly had nothing against the boy. Though she thought she recalled him giving her a hateful look just before he fled from the meeting. He likely had far more negative feelings toward her than she did him. But there was nothing she could do about that now. The damage had already been done.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Anger, red hot and wicked, jumped from Rhiannon's lips and presence, there then gone again just as quickly as it had arisen. ​

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"You choked him!" That was the crux of the issue here for Arcturus, after all. "You were angry, and you choked him. You're not a monster, you made a mistake, but damnit Rhiannon please understand why I'm doing this. You are not well, you admit that something is wrong. I'm not going to pile anything on you right now, don't you get that? You need rest, recovery, not a house full of screaming children at play."​

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At least she found some measure of relief in his other words, enough that she was soon embracing him, kissing him. He lost himself for a moment and kissed back, just as passionately, but once they came up for air reality set back in. By now she had set her head to his chest, and that helped matters. He stroked the back of her hair.​

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"That's precisely why you need to find yourself" he whispered when she claimed she had nothing, was nothing, without them. "Find something that interests you, paint, sing, watch holoflicks or go for a walk. Do something Rhiannon, something for you, not your family, not your followers, but for you. I'm not claiming that it will be easy, love, but it will get easier. We all need time for ourselves, it's time you carved out the same for yourself."​

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Why hadn't he taught her that?​

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"Things have been so crazy since we got here, it's been non-stop. Sometimes I think this whole thing was a mistake, and maybe it is, but we're here now and we can't let up and remain here. We'll start up training again, once you're doing better."​

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She claimed he was taking things too fast with Zachariah too, and maybe he was. He just hated the thought of someone being alone after all they'd been through. Even more than Pharus he saw himself in Zach, they'd been through more or less the same things. Was it enough to simply be his Master for now? Would it be enough for Zachariah Conway or would he worry that he'd be cast aside?​

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"Okay" he said, he wasn't happy about it, he would still treat the boy right, see his needs met, bond with him, but if Rhiannon wasn't ready then so be it. Maybe she'd never be ready, but that didn't mean it had to affect his relationship with the boy. He could still care; would still care.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

“I need normalcy!” Rhi exclaimed. “I need support, not abandonment. You’re running from me all over again, only this time you’re taking the kids with you. Taking my baby away from me, leaving me all alone here with some shrink I’ve never met…”

Well, she wouldn’t be totally alone. It looked like Forrest Dinn would stay, and possibly Chernsemie would also remain here. And she had been more alone than that when she first became the Sky Goddess…

“You promised that you wouldn’t leave me,” she whispered. “You said it was the last time…”

She stiffened in his arms, looking up at him like he was nuts. “Hobbies? That’s it?” she asked. “You think that if I get a new hobby, it will fix this?" Did he realize how naïve he sounded?

“My darling husband, we eat people. Every day. You’re not exactly in a position to argue morality here. Or sanity, for that matter.” She chewed her lip, looking away. “Maybe all this has proven is that there are lines I’m willing to cross that you aren’t.”

"Things have been so crazy since we got here, it's been non-stop. Sometimes I think this whole thing was a mistake, and maybe it is, but—"

“What’s a mistake?” she demanded. “Becoming my master? Becoming a god on Zaathru? Getting married? I see no mistakes, except letting that little chit into our lives. And that’s on you, Arc.”

He got conspicuously quiet after she gave her answer about Zach. “He probably hates my guts,” she mused aloud. “Ugh, what do I care? He’s not my kid.”

But were her kids afraid of her now, too?

Laying on her side against the bed, she sighed. “Will you be leaving immediately?” she asked. It was a timid question, posed quietly. “Or… or will you spend the night?”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

"I'm not abandoning you!" Arcturus found himself raising his voice for the first time since entering the room. "Damnit, Rhi, leaving for a couple of days to see off Pharus and Zachariah is not abandoning you, it's doing the right thing. Please... I get it, this is all on me, but please don't then berate me for putting things right. What do you want from me, Rhi? You wanted Pharus gone, I'm doing that. Zachariah is going away to clear his head, he'll study at the Academy, and the kids? They need a minute too, Rhi. It's unfair not to give them it. You're right, they never should have been brought into any of this until they were old enough to choose it. Maybe it's best we keep them from the public eye going forward, they need normal, healthy lives, not this."​

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As for hobbies, he shook his head. "I don't think it's going to magically fix things" he said, somewhat curtly, "You think me that dumb? No, I think everyone needs time for themselves, Rhiannon. It's time you found something to do outside of us. That's normal."​

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He would have argued he wasn't trying to speak on morality on a broader level, or sanity, he just wanted their family safe and happy, but instead Rhiannon flared up once more and he was left pinching his nose. "We were coming here to be a family, to escape the chaos of the Galaxy, all I see is more of the same here. We need to find a way to make this work, Rhi, this world is at constant odds with one another and frankly it's rubbing off on me. I don't want to be upset with you, I don't want the kids raised in strife. We need to get a hold on things. When I return, I'm stepping up. I'll find a way to unify this world one continent at a time... And no, I don't regret anything where you are concerned. I would marry you a million times over, and I live to teach you."​

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Maybe she was right, maybe he had reached his limits ahead of her. Was that so wrong though? He wasn't berating her on any of that, he just didn't want it around the kids. Aimed at the kids.​

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Arcturus moved to stand, they were talking in circles now and it seemed like no matter what he tried to do or say it would never be enough. He needed to clear his own head, needed some air to breathe that wasn't thick with the resentment flowing from his wife. Before he could leave though, her quiet voice drifted up to him.​

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"I told you, Pharus leaves tomorrow. I'll be here for a few days after that, and then home again once Zachariah has been admitted to the Academy. And for what it's worth, in this it's better that you don't know your psychiatrist. He needs to come in to this unbiased."​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Arcturus got mad, and oddly enough, part of her was glad to see it. Sometimes he was too much of a doormat, letting people walk all over him without permitting himself the luxury of irritation or rage. He’d certainly given her too much leeway as of late. She was being unreasonable, and she knew it.

“Why do I feel like it won’t be just a few days?” she muttered, though he had corrected her. Really, she was afraid it would be a longer separation. After all, that had been his track record for the past nine years.

“There’s no keeping the kids from this, Arc. If you want them to have safe, normal lives, you’d better take them back to live with my parents.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s the old adage, Arc. Be a safe Jedi, chaining yourself to goodness, or be a free Sith, and break those chains. The kids will find out the truth about us someday, that’s inevitable. The only way to prepare for when that day comes is to raise them to be like us. To get used to the harsh realities of the galaxy.”

He went off on her. He wasn’t happy here, nor was he content. He was scared for the kids, and he wanted to change things. Remake Zaathru, tame her wild beauty into something more manageable.

"And no, I don't regret anything where you are concerned. I would marry you a million times over, and I live to teach you."

“Oh,” Rhi murmured. “Well, that’s good.”

He stood up, walking away from her. She didn’t move to stop him. Of course she wanted him to stay, but at this point she was just as sick of the arguing as he was. Maybe they did need some time apart.

“Okay,” she said. “Tell the kids it won’t be for long. Send them my love.”

Arcturus Dinn​