Private A Million Ways to Die in the Rim

[Zak Amroth]

TERMINUS SLUMS
THE OUTER RIM
Yula Perl ​

​

"Stop! In the name of the law!"

Zak watched the alien he was chasing crash through a window and twist itself into an acrobatic leap that brought it to a graceful landing four stories below. He cursed to himself. Did every petty criminal know parkour these days? Psyching himself up, Sheriff Amroth backed up and took a running leap out of the lowrise. The outer rim lawman realized he overshot his mark halfway into the jump, and windmilled his arms helplessly in a vain attempt not to crash into the market stall hurtling up to meet him.

Endorian chickens squawked in terror, fleeing from their demolished coop in every direction. Zak emerged from the debris covered in feathers just in time to see the alien criminal sprint past. An Ithorian merchant followed in short order, making angry belching noises in the species' native language. Tossing a handful of talons at the aggrieved businessman, Zak took off running after his mark.

"Could use some backup, deputy!" the kiffar sheriff panted into his comm link. Too much drinking, not enough exercise.

Finally catching up to the runner, Sheriff Amroth pulled him around forcefully and took a startled step back in surprise when he realized it was another species entirely. The normally bustling city streets began to grow packed beyond maximum tolerance, playing host to one of dozens of cultural celebrations that took place every day on exotic Terminus, nexus between so many worlds. Zak shoved his way through the press of bodies, the smell of incense and the sight of fireworks overwhelming his senses.

There!

Certain he had found the right man, the kiffar tried to shove his way after him. After failing to push his way through the crowd, out of frustration he drew his blaster and fired off a blast into the sky. He was nearly trampled to death in the resulting pandemonium, but eventually a chaotic scrambled of bodies ejected him out into the same side alley his target had ducked down.

"Alright, pal. It's the end...of the...line..."

That was a lot of blasters. And they were all pointed at him.

 

[Yula Perl]

A shock net fluttered down from above, draping itself over a frenzy of screaming, smoldering criminals.

Perched just above the now unconscious pile of twitching flesh, Yula absolutely glowed down at Zak. When she had first signed up to be a Judge, she figured that her mentor would be someone cool, like Uncle Dax. Instead, she was stuck with tree boy. She’d been sure to make sure that he was well aware of this fact.

“Thank the Force for backup, huh?” Fire works erupted above and she tilted her head back in order to get a better look. The commotion made it more difficult to track criminals, but also provided a convenient cover-up for the noise they had made.

She slipped down the wall, gingerly stepping around the shock netting. “Did he steal your purse?” The smell of burnt flesh and hair hung heavily in the air.

Delighted to see that he was alright, Emily chittered in excitement as she made her way down the wall and ambled over to Sheriff Amroth.

[member="Zak Amroth"]

 

[Zak Amroth]

"No, he didn't steal my purse," Zak mouthed some rude words at [member="Yula Perl"] while she was climbing down, before moseying over to the thug he had been chasing and snatching a particular item from his person, "He stole some nice old lady's purse, which you are going to return once we're done here."

The Sheriff of Terminus tossed the clutch at his new protege, still smoldering from when it had been caught in her shock net. He shivered uncomfortably at the sight of Emily, provoking a sparking BD unit droid to stumble on malfunctioning servo motors into the alley way. Calculon raised one of its legs menacingly at the spider droid, warding Emily off from getting any nearer to its arachnophobic master. Zak ignored this typical dominance display, knowing that his scout droid was thoroughly outmatched.

"Congratulations!" he socked her roughly on the shoulder, before tousling the zeltron's hair as if she were a small child, "You passed today's test. You saw your partner in distress, and you reacted quickly and decisively. I of course was in no real danger, but I allowed myself to be ambushed for training purposes you see."

Zak didn't wait to look at her reaction, unconcerned with how convincing he sounded because on some level the kiffar lawman truly believed his director's cut version of events. He was already examining the unconscious criminals in a textbook squat and lean that Yula had seen far too many times already. Even though he had little to no forensic training of any kind, Sheriff Amroth fancied himself a natural detective. His insights were never very revelatory, but by committing to the part he had somehow managed to convince most security officers on Terminus that he was some kind of master sleuth.

"Swoop gangers, Black Vulkars from the look of their markings," Zak slid on a pair of shades and then yanked them off, "Looks like they got...shocked by a net."

 

[Yula Perl]

Bewildered, Yula caught the purse. “You chased down some guy for a purse?” In her mind, the judges were a group of Big Damn Heroes, saving the Outer Rim from imperials and other bad guys. Sheriff Amroth seemed content with small potatoes, which didn’t make much sense to her.

“Oof, ouch, watch it!” Swatting at the warden of Terminus, Yula tried to fend him away from her and more importantly, her hair. “Wait, so this was a setup? Is the old lady even real?” She squinted at Zak as he slav squatted to the ground and examined the smoldering, twitching group of unconscious criminals.

Emily reacted to Calculon’s defensiveness by warbling back and standing on her hind four legs in a display of microaggression. Just as Zak did, Yula continued to ignore the pair of squabbling droids.

The Zeltron was prepared to roll her eyes for the nth time today when something caught her eye. “Wait, are those my sunglasses? Give ‘em!” She made grabby hands for the shades.

[member="Zak Amroth"]

 

[Zak Amroth]

"Another test!" Zak beamed back up at her, before tossing the shades carelessly over his shoulder in her general direction, "Purses aren't the only thing these sleemos are after, a Judge's shades are a part of who you are, never lose them."

He nodded sagely as if pontificating over sunglasses was cherished wisdom. Meanwhile Calculon scrabbled past, the little droid beating a hasty retreat in the face of Emily's unfurled 'majesty'. Stumbling over some trash scattered throughout the alleyway, the scout droid crawled desperately behind a row of dumpsters before waving its fusioncutter in a belated act of desperate menace.

"Forget about the old lady for a sec," he slipped on a pair of shades. They were the same shades. Somehow he had already managed to lift them from [member="Yula Perl"] again, "Now let me concentrate!"

Sheriff Amroth picked up the lead bruiser's heavy blaster, and the kiffar braced himself for what was to come. Zak was a natural psychometrist, but that didn't make the memories enjoyable. Particularly the ones triggered by life down here in the Terminus undercity. He never left the alley, but the screaming pleas for mercy of the swoop gangers latest victims carried on the wind all the same, a distant cry only he could hear which was growing closer. The judge went unnaturally still, his mind freed from the confines of his body in this place and time.

The return trip was like emerging from a pool of ice water, but Zak was used to it by now. That wasn't what had bothered him so much. He returned Yula's shades without so much as a quip, his face was as pale as if it had seen a ghost and his eyes were still somewhere very far away.

"I need a drink," he mumbled as much to himself as his 'deputy', "The Waystation is only a few levels up from here, you can return the purse on the way."

 

[Yula Perl]

Yula squinted at the sunglasses as they landed in her hand. “I got these at a fuel station for five credits.” Still, she liked them well enough. Forgetting about the shades, she shoved them into her pocket and caught up with Zak.

“Emily, that’s enough.” One of them had to break this up, as often as it happened. Emily gave Calculon one last beep of warning before skittering over to Yula and crawling up the Zeltron’s back. “You need to leave Calculator alone.” The spider droid warbled in protest, to which Yula ignored, because Zak had somehow lifted the shades from her again.

“Wh—” Normally she would give Zak an earful, but she knew that this was one of the rare times when the Kiffar was actually working. Like it or not, he had a rare ability—psychometry—which often helped them on their missions. Begrudgingly, Yula stayed silent, watching the Sheriff with curiosity. It was sometimes unnerving how serious Zak could be, especially when coming back from one of his psychometry trips. From what she’d heard, you open yourself up to seeing and feeling some pretty horrifying things in taking that risk.

She received the shades with nary a word of snark and simply nodded. “First round’s on me, Sheriff.” Yula clapped him on the back for a moment, and the two made their way up towards the Waystation.

There was something to be said for turning on the Zeltron charm, for once they were at the cantina, Yula went to work procuring their first round of drinks. “Here,” She declared triumphantly, dropping two full mugs of ale on the table where Zak was seated. He’d had to watch her flirt with some poor schmuck at the bar before thanking him, taking the drinks he’d bought her, and making her way over to another man. He didn’t look happy, but Yula didn’t seem to mind. “As I said, first round’s on me.”

[member="Zak Amroth"]

 

[Zak Amroth]

"What did I say about using mind tricks on civilians?" Zak glowered at [member="Yula Perl"], "Only during special Sheriff Zak emergencies. These are ill gotten goods."

He took his drink anyway, downing it in one gulp and screwing his face up into a grimace. The kiffar then swiped Yula's drink from the table and chugged that one down as well. Letting rip a satisfied burp he patted his stomach and smacked his lips in satisfaction. It was a busy night for the Waystation but that wasn't unusual. Every night was a busy one on Terminus. Its what he loved about this planet. They were without a doubt one of the wildest ports on the rim.

"Now if you'll excuse me," he stumbled to his feet already a little drunk, "Its time for a lesson in negotiation. I've gotta see a man about a bar tab."

Zak confidently moseyed towards the cantina bar. So confident in fact that he did not bother to check for the tell tale sign of Yula's outstretched foot. Her customary trip sent him reeling. He almost lost his balance entirely and slammed face first into the dirty ale stained floor but was saved at the last moment by a new arrival. A shambling form in heavy rags staggered in and collided with the judge. He leaned against the stranger for support only to find an old woman desperately clinging to him in return.

"Please...." she gasped. Her voice sounded strangely breathless, "They are coming...the child..."

"Ewwww!" the sheriff whined. Blood was dripping all over him.

The stranger collapsed in a lifeless heap, leaving Zak awkwardly bobbing a cloth wrapped parcel between each hand. A soft cooing sound made him yelp and he shoved the bundle into Yula's arms. He was Terminus' greatest detective but didn't know the first thing about what to do with kids. Especially the gross looking alien kind. She could play nanny for all he cared. There was a mystery to solve.

"Deputy," he slipped her shades back on yet again, "We might just have a murder."