A Knight In Armor

[Arage Bao]

Hyperspace, Mara Corridor.
[member="Olivia Durant"]

Only a few days had passed since Ruusan.

It had taken them a lot of effort, but eventually their group managed to break through the Sith and Union troops, before grouping around a 'secret' little starport far off from the Valley of the Jedi. It was only luck that this new group of Sith had focused so heavily on the Valley and two other points of contention on Ruusan, instead of a full-on assault against the entirety of the planet.

Otherwise they might have been trapped there even now.

But getting from Ruusan to Sullust wasn’t a piece of cake either. They had to avoid and circumvent a lot of new defenses, hyperspace detectors, interdiction mines and the sort, a lot of their time had been wasted using smugglers’ passages - Cole hadn’t asked Sal where they had heard of these routes, but he could guess, easily.

The ship was cramped.

Not a lot of room to move around, which only added to the frustration and anger they were all experiencing. All of them. He had taken to meditate at the observation deck: though 'deck' was a generous word, it was just a little walk-in closet for all intents and purposes, with a single large transparisteel viewport.

Inner peace… inner peace… inner peace…

Cole sighed and opened his eyes again.

This wasn’t working, at all.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

There was none of the frustration, or the annoyance and anger that followed, in Olivia. Whether trained or part of her make-up, it was simply not like her to complain more than a quip here or there that the climate control could be a little warmer. Once her Mother had worried that Olivia's passive nature would lead to an eventual inability to assert herself, but she'd avoided that particular trait. She simply was happy with little.

However, there was one thing that could turn that all upside down. And Olivia happened to be standing in one of them.

Since starting on the path to become a Jedi, she'd been on her fair share of ships of all different sizes. None of them had changed her mind about flying. Of course being in a starfighter was terrifying - the speed, the nearly being shot out of the sky every five seconds, the aerial maneuvers. But starships held their own terror present in the menacing drone of the engine or the crawl of stars outside the viewports. Space stations were at least tolerable in their undetectable motion but even they gave her occasion to remember they could fall out of the sky and burn up in atmosphere at the slightest provocation.

In an effort to confront the fear which had only been a hindrance so far, she found herself at the observation deck. She would just watch the star lines and try to find peace in the soundlessness, find peace in the vist--she nearly jumped out of her skin as she stopped short of walking right in to the form of Knight Katarn. There wasn't much room anywhere, let alone in what equated to an after-thought of an observation area.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I'll come back..."

She turned on her heel, making her way back for the entrance (two steps away, really) when she stopped and looked back to him, embarrassed.

"Well...can I stay in here, actually? There's not many other places to go sit around here."

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

Cole was halfway through a nod when she walked back, asking if she could stay instead. Just the hint of his lip quirking up would signify just a little bit of amusement at the situation, but he did not have any more right to this little place than anyone else here.

So hogging the little spot of peace in the greater chaos?

That only seemed selfish to him. He shuffled just a little bit to the right, before gesturing to his left. A grunt was suppressed - most of his body was covered with haphazardly thrown-together bandages: jumping in the middle of an army of smoke demons would do that to a person.

It was a wonder he was still alive.

"Sit with me, Pada- Olivia."

He had to stop himself there. Continuously using her title was only an attempt to keep some distance between the two of them, it was unworthy of him and unfair to her.

They had fought together. At the very least she deserved some common decency from him.

It would be crampy, though. That was the way training should be. It wasn’t especially hard to meditate and focus on an open clearing in the middle of a grand forest; with only the birds chirping and the leaves rustling to keep your company.

No, the true test was to achieve a state of peace in situations like these.

"How do you feel?"

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

Folding her long legs underneath her, she tried to settle in such a way that she wasn't edging him out of the space or needlessly crushing him. It was difficult, and probably painfully obvious she was doing her best not to encroach on his physical space. But when he asked how she was feeling she couldn't suppress a smile. Maybe all this was as difficult for him as it was for her, though he hid it better.

"Well, about the same as the last time you asked," she quipped, taking a deep breath and resting her hands on her knees. "We're not being chased, burned, clawed, or bitten by demons or dead things at the moment, so I'd say we've experienced marked growth in our situation. But..." Big brown eyes shifted to the viewport and the lines of hyperspace outside. "I really hate flying."

She was okay with admitting weakness, but it made her feel foolish. They'd fought off Ruusan together, and yet there she was trying not to feel queasy about sitting in space.

In an attempt to distract herself, she thought about her self-correction and realized she truly had no idea what to call him, or what he wanted. She'd visited three different Jedi orders and each seemed to have a different strictness and system when it came to nomenclature.

"And what should I call you? Is Cole alright?"

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

Now that got a snort out of him followed by an amused shake of the head.

The remark about the flying did raise a question or two, it was rare in this time and age for people to really have an 'issue' with spaceflight, but before Cole could really ask about it she followed up with a question of her own.

"Cole is more than fine." He had never really liked being addressed by titles and the sort, it took away the personal and distanced relationships.

The irony in the fact that he started doing it himself at some point wasn’t missed by him.

"Truth to be told I have never much liked the whole title-thing, but that’s just me."

A cheeky smile appeared soon after. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all, she seemed nice and for once he didn’t feel like an useless lump of granite.

“So what did space travel ever do to you to deserve the distaste?”

Just a little tease. He was new at this, but he thought this was how it was supposed to go.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

She was astonished when he did something like a laugh. She thought it might have been the first time she saw something like it from him, and it pleased her that she had made it happen.

"Oh good, I feel the same. I mean, as a Padawan am I supposed to call Knights 'Master' as well, or is that rude? Is it EVER okay to call a Master by their first name even if you know them well? Feels like I'm back in etiquette school on Hapes," she sighed, though with a big smile. It was nice to talk about something that wasn't serious Jedi business.

And then, that question.

Though the memory haunted her, sometimes in dreams and sometimes in the unexpected such as that day on Ruusan, she was able to speak of her parents with something like peace now. However she doubted there would ever be a day where she didn't feel a bone-deep longing, a sadness that had no answer, when she thought of that day.

"I was in a ship-crash with my parents. Neither of them made it," she answered simply. "I know it's silly because it's so rare these days, and we spend so much time in space. But sometimes I'll feel the ship underneath my feet and remember that day, or the way they looked..." She stopped herself there, unwilling to drag what had been so light-hearted towards something so dark. She didn't resent him for asking. How could he possibly have known the can of worms he was about to tip over? And he would have had to find out eventually. She was sort of glad it had happened already.

"So Sal," she said, rolling them in to the next conversation to save him from the silence of her answer. "Should I refrain from speaking to him, or is he one of those 'teddy-bear-on-the-inside' types?"

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

Cole waggled his hand just a little bit on the side.

"Honestly it all depends on the specific Knight or Master. As you might expect the New Jedi Order is far less interested in hierarchy and 'due process' than the other older and more established organizations." The NJO and the Galactic Alliance were far more concerned with kicking Sith butt and making the galaxy a better place.

Or so the story went, truthfully he had a few doubts when it came to their mission, but at the end of the day he kept that to himself. They were helping people, even if it wasn’t happening fast enough for his taste.

Then he got hit with the proverbial sledgehammer. Her parents. Feth. Katarn grew very, very silent at that as she told him what had happened.

He should have known. Cole wasn’t sure how, but he should have.

"I am sorry for your loss." the Jedi Knight replied solemnly. Any hint of a smile was gone, vanished back into the farthest reaches possible. "If it’s worth anything, I know how it feels to lose your parents. Few things can compare."

Ten years. A decade, and even now it made him angry.

Then she broached the subject of Sal. That frown got only heavier at that particular theme.

"He’s family. Cousin of mine, but…" A raise of the shoulders. "There ain’t no teddy bear hidden inside."

His Corellian drawl creeped in at the memories. "He’s on our side of the conflict, but I can’t say if I he’s on the good side of life."

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

hahahahahahahaahahahahahahhaa

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

For a time she'd been a Padawan with the Republic, though that hadn't lasted long. Then she'd ventured both to the Silver Sanctum and the Galactic Alliance to see what she might find there. In the end she'd settled with the Alliance as she felt they struck some sort of balance between the self-digesting machine the Republic had become and the contented isolation of the Silver Sanctum. It was not without its problems - but what organization was? She was still mulling that as he wrestled with the realization of her parents, though at his apology she shook her head. Were he someone else she might have reached out to squeeze his shoulder in comfort, but he didn't seem the type to appreciate it.

"Thank you. And I'm sorry for yours." It was presumptuous, but the look on his face made her think she was right.

She hadn't meant to bring up a subject that would make the situation even more sore. Sal was gruff but she didn't know him well enough to know real concern was warranted. Family was a difficult thing however, and perhaps she should have known better.

"At least he's surrounded by Jedi a good majority of the time. And having one as family can only help keep him closer to the light."

Wracking her brains, she tried to steer the conversation back towards the easier atmosphere in which it had started.

"You know, once I needed to get down planetside and somehow I ended up crammed around a pilot's feet in an x-wing, trying not to throw up as we were getting shot at and this man kept doing barrel rolls. I like to think that if I survived that, I can get through the rest of this journey in what's essentially a closet."

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

His mind was still with his cousin and further down the line with his parents, so he didn’t even notice how fervently Olivia’s mind was working to find them a new, slightly less depressing subject to talk about. In truth Cole didn’t mind the quiet, to find someone with whom he could comfortably be silent? That was a beautiful thing to his mind.

Which was not to say that her story wasn’t welcome.

It shook him out of his concerns, exactly what Cole had need of right now. The lines on his face softened slightly, just the corner of his mouth perking up a little bit as amusement grew again.

"Can’t say I have ever had the pleasure of curling up in the cockpit of an X-wing while being shot at." again that soft, little chuckle. "I do remember this one time… this was around the early days of the Alliance." he added in between, to give some context.

"Our mission objective was to infiltrate this Final Order space installation in the Vivenda Sector. Sneak in, extract the information necessary and then get the feth outta dodge without ‘em anything the wiser." that drawl started flowing into his speech again, but it was warmer this time, more enthusiastic as he got into the good memories.

"Back then we didn’t have no fancy dreadnaughts supplied by the Pyre, so I got paired up with this Sullustan smuggler, right? Darn Poo. One of the finest pilots ever graced by the Alliance, anyway."

Now the hands starting making motions as he described the ship shuddering through hyperspace, because Poo’s ship was just crappy as feth, but he knew every single inch and bolt of it. Cole’s eyes lit up, for once his smile grew wider and bolder.

"Finally we jump out of hyperspace into this system. We be expecting a silent approach, just smoothly cruising through, ya know? Ain’t what we got. Apparently we tripped some high-tech hyperspace sensor array they had installed, a whole dang armada was awaiting us."

Cole shook his head at that, even now with it in his memories it was hard to believe.

"So what does Poo do? This insane, absolutely crazed madman looks me straight in the eyes and says: "Hold onto your knickers, sonny boy. We goin' in hot." Doesn’t give me the time to protest either, instead just dives the ship right into the brink of it all."

What a beautiful fether.

Around that time Cole actually blinked and realized he had been talking for quite… a while now. The short story had somehow outgrown what he had been trying to say, so he coughed, tried to give a smile that turned the situation only more awkward and then tried to shrug it off.

"Anywaaay… just a funny story, yeah." Another awkward cough while the Jedi tried to look away through the viewport.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

Darn Poo. Olivia's ingrained social graces afforded her the stoicism and maturity to ignore that unfortunate moniker, but the rest of the story...

There was a lot you could learn about someone just from the way they talked once they were being genuine, and Olivia thought that for a moment she was seeing the floodgates rolled back for a glimpse of Cole as he truly might be. It seemed many wrapped themselves so deeply in their Jedi robes, they disappeared completely. It was less about the content of the story for her, though she listened, as the way he lit up at its retelling. She couldn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Darn Poo's piloting skills as she would have been a smear of panic on his ship's visor. Parsing his dialect, her eyes followed the arc of his hands - strong, but fluid, long fingers that bent a little when he laughed...

She blinked as he seemed to realize himself, shaking her head at what seemed like an apology unspoken for talking so long.

"A good one! And I wish I could look back on something like that and smile instead of start the mission all knock-kneed."

She paused, sticking her tongue in her cheek for a minute before asking: "How do you stop it? Being scared? I've done lots of things that made me afraid - I've even gone up against an Acolyte by myself. But I could push it somewhere it didn't affect me. But it's like flying is just too much, like it's burned too deep in my skin for me to forget it."

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

Cole pondered on that one for a while.

In truth he didn’t really have an answer to that question, because there wasn’t a real answer to it. Not as far as he knew, at least. He had struggled with the same problem when he was a padawan, but for him it was the realization that he would have to go out there, wave that stick of plasma around and actually take lives.

It hadn’t mattered that they were in that murky spread of 'being in the right'.

But eventually the wisdom that was imparted upon him had helped. Somewhat.

"You don’t." Katarn replied frankly.

"Being scared is a natural reaction. You can’t stop it, not really at least. The only thing you can do is learn how to approach it as to avoid being controlled by it."

He dug through his mind, trying to recall exactly what his one of his teachers had once said to him.

"Fear is the silent mind-killer." Cole quoted calmly, looking back at her. "Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration."

A soft smile tugged again.

"You have to face it. Let it pass over and through you. But you don’t have to do this alone, if you don’t want to."

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

She'd had a Master once, and she'd liked him. He'd helped her escape the wreckage of her parents' ship, and he'd given her purpose and helped her settle in to the life of a Jedi. But he hadn't usually had pieces of wisdom to offer that sounded like something out of a dream.

Cole's honesty was good, the sort of thing that fostered trust. He could have offered platitudes or reassured her that someday the fear would just disappear but somewhere in the back of her mind she would have known 'it's not that easy'. But he hadn't, and instead she found herself nodding, a warmth like comfort spreading welcome peace when he said she didn't have to do it alone.

"I guess I like that better. Not denying your emotions, but not letting them control how you react either."

She'd studied her fair share of Jedi philosophy through the history of the Order, or at least as it remained and existed after the ravages of the Plague. She thought she was somewhere on the more relaxed end of the spectrum in terms of emotions and attachment, though it could not be denied that someday she would make the most selfless of Jedi.

Switching gears again, she dug a little more. Part of her training - once on track to be something like royalty - was to be able to read others before they introduced themselves, and dialects and accents were part of that. She had an inherent advantage against others since she was a quick study in hundreds of species and cultures.

"Where are you from? Corellia?"

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

The proto-Jedi had denied their feelings, it was said. No hate, envy or anger, but no love or joy either: complete serenity and peace from within. It was said that this was the only way to truly avoid falling to the Darkside, that any emotion, be them positive or negative, would eventually lead to it.

Cole wasn’t sure he agreed with that.

To actively suppress your emotions seemed… unwise. How could you ever learn to deal with them if you just kept pushing them away, locking them up in the deepest chambers of your inner-self? What would happen to you if something inconceivable happened and you weren’t prepared to deal with the extreme feelings that resulted from it?

Like the destruction of your homeworld and every living thing on it.

The Jedi Knight inclined his head in acknowledgment. “That is correct.”

“I think I can hear some… Tionese? No, that is more nasal. My credits is on Hapes, yes?”

He had closed his eyes again. Tone growing a touch more distant and yet intense, focused.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

There were many things about the Force that Olivia didn't understand yet, but she'd always been naturally empathetic even without its gift. She could sense that perhaps she'd been insensitive when mentioning his homeworld and it didn't take rocket science to put his earlier apology together with his subtle reaction to her question. Before she could stop herself she'd reached out, resting her hand on his knee and squeezing gently, a 'sorry' kept silent to avoid elaborating on something he clearly didn't want to think about, let alone speak of.

Drawing it back to rest on her own knee, she nodded and gave him another little smile though he couldn't see it she assumed, now that he'd withdrawn a little.

"Good. Most people get that wrong."

And with that she let the silence take over. It was a sign of discomfort to fill the void with anything, meaningless words, just to avoid the intensity of quiet company. But she thought he was good, kind - his company was a blessing on that cramped journey. She closed her eyes in turn and tried to imagine the hum of the engine not as impending doom, but a white noise, like a lullaby.

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

Had his eyes still been open he would have blinked, but all Cole could muster right now was the briefest of brow furrowing, before another slight inclination of the head followed.

Acceptance.

Silence followed soon after. The hum of the engine filled it. The dim noise of the other crew members bustling about outside - he had almost forgotten they weren’t here alone, curious.

His breath became a steady interval. A part of the background noise, something he didn’t consciously controlled anymore. It simply flowed.

But even with all that Cole’s mind could not help but return back and back again to Corellia.

It was still there. No longer an open wound, just scabbed over, scarred tissue over his perspective. He knew that it inherently colored his every thought and decision, made him more cynical, colder too, but how do you figure out something like that?

You don’t. Was the simple answer back to him. Instead you focus on the things that you could help with.

The Jedi Knight’s waking mind focused on the presence next to him. So close and still so far away - his fault, not hers. She was open to the world in all the ways that he was closed off. Silently Cole tried to bridge the distance, wordless, just pushing through the empty medium and reach her pulsating conscience.

"Olivia?"

He wasn’t even sure if he wasn’t just talking to himself right now.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

Usually, finding some state close to meditation wasn't too difficult for her. She wouldn't say she was naturally peaceful; she had too many questions, too much self-induced pressure to be entirely carefree. But once she was able to take a moment and talk to herself, coax herself in to that place where it wasn't her against the Dark...she could breathe for a few minutes.

The drone of the ship lulled her.
Everything was color and sound, somewhere she was weightless.
For a moment she was completely alone.

And then she heard his voice.

It wasn't unwelcome, but it was certainly a surprise. She'd already come to think of him as something of a wall, or perhaps just a creature standing solidly behind one. Already she'd seemed to find multiple reasons for him to retreat behind it, but he'd peeked out from within his shell once more.

"Yes?" she asked tentatively, her voice relaxed. "I've never meditated near someone else before. It's nice."

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[member="Olivia Durant"]

He was just as surprised as she was.

If for a different reason entirely. Cole wasn’t really that good at the more abstract notions of the Force. It was relatively easy for him now to enhance his speed, strength and reflexes, and even his skill in precognition was steadily improving, but this?

That floaty mentalism where you detached yourself from your physical and continued on with the spiritual?

It was difficult for a man so focused on armoring his entire being against the external. Liv would notice that - his presence distant, instead of close and closed-off, cautious and maybe slightly paranoid.

But he was trying.

“It’s… new to me too.” Katarn replied after a moment. “We cannot make you come to terms with your fears in the span of a single conversation, but we can lay out a foundation now, if you would like?”

Cole wouldn’t force it on her, but if she wanted, he would try to help her in any way he could.

 

[Alkesh Vizsla]

[SIZE=14.6667px] [/SIZE]She hadn’t really gone in to the day with the intention of fixing any past mental traumas. Her life was mostly devoted to ridding others of their own, or removing things that troubled them. When did she have the time for herself?

Well, when meditating in a broom-closet in space with nothing better to do.

Showing weakness when around others was not an inherent dislike for her. She was capable. But for whatever reason it seemed to matter around Cole. There was a part of her that wanted him to feel she was capable. Perhaps it was simply their only experience so far together that drove her. Her proudest moment had not occurred down in those tunnels - she’d seen her Father’s face, pointed finger accusing. She’d froze. Without the help of Katarn’s marines who knows if she even would have made it out alive. But she was the sum of all her experience, and there were just as many missions where she came back feeling proud. But Cole hadn’t seen those.

Shutting down that part of her that would rather dwell and over-think, she focused on him in their shared state of relaxation.

“I don’t know how,” she answered honestly. “Every time I start to think about flying - really think about it - it feels like my thoughts run away from me. I have no control.”

[member="Cole Katarn"]​

 

[Arage Bao]

[ [member="Olivia Durant"] ]

Katarn nodded.

It wouldn’t be an easy progress or painless.

It would be difficult, tears would be shed and her heart would be torn apart all over again, she would have to face her fears and the shades of her parents. At some point at least, but that did not have to happen right now. Right now they could start out slow.

"Your mind shuts down to defend you, Olivia." Cole observed. He wasn’t exactly a therapist or even an expert in mentalism, but he felt her pain because it was his own pain as well.

Her loss was his and he understood it completely.

The mind recoiling against thinking about anything that just brushed against the concept of his parents, against the cause of their deaths.

“It tries to spare you from the memories, because it does not consider you ready to face them.”

The waking mind truly was a wondrous thing.

But he could not help her if he kept himself tightly locked down in his own little space. No, Katarn would have to let go, at least for the moment, so he could detach himself from his paranoia and reach out completely.

Breathing in and out, in and out. In. And. Out. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into more and slowly the tension eased out of his rigid back and shoulders. His permanently frown-locked forehead leveled out and there was even a slight perk up at the corner of his lips.

When Cole felt he was ready for it his mind detached itself slowly from his body and brushed past Olivia’s. It was more than telepathy now, it was… he could not explain it, but it was natural.

He reached and offered her a metaphorical hand.

Something for her to latch onto so he could guide her into reaching deeper inside herself.

Or try to, at least.