Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Private A Hidden Life

<Aeris!>

Rather than sliding in via the vents, Kai walked through the door of the Jedi Temple library—or rather, some kid who talked (telepathed?) like Kai walked in. The boy was no longer a precise doppelganger of anyone, but rather a conglomeration of features and traits taken from several different people. Even his signature in the Force was different, courtesy of an aura-disguising amulet. He was dressed like a typical NJO Padawan, in a teal jumpsuit with a lightsaber hooked to his belt.

Finding the front desk deserted, Kai searched among the shelves for the librarian. Though he was ostensibly here to discuss the murder of Senator Ido Bastra and the inquest, he hadn’t seen Aeris in a while and wanted to visit her anyway.

<It’s daylight hours, Aeris. Where are you?>

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

The calm and quiet of a library in focus and the steady breathing of a Jedi in her zone. Her eyes closed, her knees planted against the ground with her hands in her lap. A slow, calm inhale caused her shoulders to rise and sink at a tranquil pace. She looked to be at peace, and in reality that was not too far from the truth either. And yet for all that peace was worth, it was only fleeting as ever. A voice pushed against her mind and with it a sharp, wet inhale snored and echoed across the library for a moment.

Aeris was awake again, and with it a quiet sensation of embarrassment began to spike against her skin and across her entire nervous system. The young ones had already stacked books around her during her unexpected nap, and while she wanted to be upset that such a joke had been made on her behalf, the sound of their giggles off in the distance kept her from it.

“Kai?” Aeris asked, half-awake and half-asleep. “Where are you?”

Dagon didn’t seem to be around. Shuffling to her feet she approached a nearby kid and placed her hand on his shoulder, entirely unaware that this was in fact the person that she was looking for.

“Have you seen Knight Kaze anywhere?” She asked and let go of the young man. “We had some things to discuss.”

Well, it was a doppelganger of Dagon, but the others did not need to now that.
 
There she was! Surrounded by stacks of books. Definitely Aeris. She stood up and placed her hand on his shoulder, asking if he knew where Dagon was.

<I think he’s with Yula on Ilum, looking for lightsaber crystals,> Kai replied, utterly failing to realize Aeris didn’t recognize him. With a smile, he turned his head so that she could see his face in profile. <Hey Aeris—you like my new nose?>

It had the same shape as Aeris’ nose, fitted in with the rest of his borrowed (stolen?) features.

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

“Oh, yeah, right.” Aeris said and brushed the comment off as if the whole Yugon relationship was common knowledge around the Order. It was not. “Thanks, kid.”

As the kid turned to look in another direction however, her eyes wandered with them as she slowly began to push past. Spending time in the Order you got really used to the different means of communication that came with being a host to melting pot of cultures and species. Telepathy was about as second nature as any other basic language was by now.

It wasn’t until she realized that the kid had actually asked her about his nose that the pieces clicked. She stopped on the spot and slowly turned around to look at the kid again. He wasn’t familiar, but the way his voice seemed to shift ideas and thoughts in her mind certainly was.

“... Kai?” She asked and raised her brow. “Is that you? You look… Different.”

A scrutinizing squint peeked at the nose as the wrinkles of her forehead began to show.

“Wait, is that…” She paused, her eyebrows reaching for the hairline. “My nose?”
 
<Yup.>

Having answered both her questions with a single word, he began cataloging the rest of his facial traits, touching each part with his hands as he went along. <And Damsy’s cheekbones, and Yula’s mouth, and Nineveh’s hair color, Dagon’s eyes and jaw... I got all the best parts of all the good people I know.>

Aeris did have quite a magnificent nose, after all. But her shocked expression caused his smile to falter.

<You don't mind, right?>

 
"Yula did have good lips..." Aeris mumbled for a moment before she smiled at the kid. "Of course I do not mind, this was exactly what I wanted when we first met, remember?"

There had most certainly been an offer to help synthesize some sort of custom persona for the kid. This was basically that but with extra steps. Still, Aeris marvelled at the person before her and just how much it did seem familiar and yet not at all.

"Wow, you look..." She exhaled with a wide grin. "And you chose my nose?" A chuckle parted her grin for a moment before a mischievous glint sparkled in her eye. "Explains why I liked it so much."

"How are you? How have you been? How-- oh." She stopped herself before checking their surroundings. "Let's go to my office, I have tea and water all ready to go."

Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri
 
<Okay good, okay fine.> His relief was palpable, though the reason for his fear of disapproval was harder to pinpoint. He had some vague inkling that not everyone would appreciate having parts of their body imitated and worn by a Sithspawn. <It’s a good nose. Nice and straight.>

The fact that Yula’s lips were deemed her best feature was a joke best saved for another time.

With the promise of tea, Kai followed Aeris into her office. He seemed to consider how to respond to her question for some time. There was a lot to talk about, but he needed to get past the biggest nerf in the room first: his long, inexplicable absence from the Temple.

<Did you hear about what happened with me and Master Sardun and Padawan Ashina?>

 
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Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

Her hand wrapped around the kettle’s handle with a cautious grasp before she let it go with a disappointed sigh. The water was cold, the use of it put on hold for a few more minutes as it boiled up again. A switch at the back clicked and with it Aeris withdrew a small box of assorted teas and strainers from a box in her desk that she placed in front of Kai.

There was a wide assortment in there, a little bit for everyone, or so Aeris told herself. And given her likelihood of underestimating the peculiarities of her own taste, well, there was more than likely a chance Kai couldn't find anything that he liked, although the caramel flavored one was a common favorite amongst the younger ones that came to visit her.

“I did.” Aeris finally said with a frown and shook her head. “I am very glad that you survived. And I will admit that I was…” Aeris paused for a moment and pondered what it was exactly. “Worried for you.”

But then that smile of hers returned yet again.

“But I am very happy to see that you are alive and well, and quite frankly I already had my own reservations about Master Sardun and his lackey.”

Oh crap, that was not supposed to be said out loud. Her eyes widened in horror at the slip up.

“They are a brand of Jedi that I do not see eye to eye with.” Aeris explained. “Not all problems will be solved with a blade, ironically enough for someone of their world view.”
 
She knew and she had been worried about him. While Aeris re-boiled the water, Kai reached out and laid his hands over the assortment of teas. His fingers flicked through the different flavors as he listened to her, his eyes only occasionally glancing up to meet hers.

He didn’t try to show Aeris the events he spoke of, but that meant it was a struggle for him to keep his thoughts narratively coherent. Sharing memories would have been easier, but it was distressing enough for him to recall these memories, let alone inflicting them on a friend.

<I wasn’t supposed to be outside the Temple,> he admitted. <I had been sneaking out to hunt and feed. That’s how they found me.> His brow furrowed at the remark about Sardun and his “lackey”. <They thought I was Dagon. They thought he had fallen to the Dark Side. I had to tell them I wasn’t him before they... I didn’t want to get him in trouble…>

In the past, he had let Dagon be the fall guy for his childish mistakes and mishaps. It seemed he had finally stumbled upon the fine line between relatively harmless pranks and actual crimes.

Two fingers plucked the caramel-flavored tea from the stack.

<There were others besides Ishida and Sardun. They kept coming after me. I had to run and hide from them. That’s why I was gone for so long. And then they made me sick, and Dagon had to save me again…> Clearly, lots of stuff had been happening with Kai lately.

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

Was this what a mother or a sibling felt like when a young one described something that had happened to them? The shot of worry combined with a sense of anger that threw Aeris off her balance. For some reason it was unusually hard to deal with, but she managed. Even if it was just about.

Maybe it was her own bias, maybe it was her naive belief that Kai was still an innocent soul in a horrendously defiled body. Maybe she still clung to the belief that he was redeemable for something that he had never even committed in the first place. In so many regards she saw him as a child, one of the younglings almost, and to think that he was a danger was… Preposterous. And yet, even so, she couldn’t deny the genuinely dark side of his existence. The one that needed to be fed and staved off.

These thoughts were however pushed aside as she stepped over to Kai and gave him a tight hug.

“Well, as both your friend and his, I am very glad to see that he did come and help you.” Aeris said and placed her hand to Kai’s shoulder to let it rest there. “I wish that I had known, I would have come to your defense if I did.”

She poured them each a cup and grabbed herself one of the more bitter brews that she let soak in the steaming hot water.

“In fact, I have meditated on our friendship a lot since we first met, and despite the darkness that may be there I can still see a lot of good in you, a lot of things to be proud of and to nurture.” She said and took a seat at her desk. “Maybe it is because I prefer to put my faith in who people are, as opposed to what they are, and to me you have always been a very curious but honest person.”

“In my eyes, Kai, I hope that you know that you are worth far more than people — perhaps even you yourself — give credit for.”
 
Aeris seemed to really like giving him hugs. Kai gently returned the embrace, taking care not to crush her like he almost had last time.

He was learning new things every day, that was true. But it was a slow process, and the road was fraught with dangers, both external and internal. Aeris’ kind words made him feel good, but he couldn’t help wondering if they were just that—words meant to make him feel better about himself, whether they were true or not.

As Aeris pulled away and set about pouring hot water into mugs, Kai stared into his own cup as if looking for something there. The water was clear, steam rising from the surface. He looked at the caramel he had chosen and wondered if he should choose something different. Something more bitter.

<I went home, but there was nothing there for me anymore.>

It was almost like an impulse rather than a tangible thought. The essence of an idea, a jumble of emotions. A memory almost too heavy to bear.

<That was part of the deal. Save me one last time, and I could go home and not be anyone’s problem anymore.> He dropped the caramel into his cup. Brown swirled, clouding up the water. <I thought I could go back, but I guess I have to stay here.>

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

Aeris listened as Kai spoke. Her strainer dipped into the water, leaving behind a cloud of increasingly dark brown miasma as it integrated with the hot water. She tugged at the small metal chain to speed the process up before she let it go and let it rest for a bit longer.

There was a spot of worry in Aeris’ eyes as she glanced over at Kai.

“Well,” She said and rubbed at her neck. “Do you want to be here?”
 
<Here in the library, with you, yes.> He picked up the mug and held it in his hands, letting the warmth seeping into his palms. <I like it here. But I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Somebody that just has to be dealt with, tolerated, or a problem everyone’s looking to solve.> Taking hold of the mug handle, he fished around in his pocket, pulling out an amulet. <This hides what I am. If I’d had it a little earlier, I could’ve—>

>Come with me. We’ll go together, and you’ll be free!<

<...Could’ve avoided a lot of trouble.>

He sank into a chair across from Aeris and stared down into his cup. The tea spread through the water like corruption, a crack expanding in pure crystal. There was always a flaw in the matrix, just waiting to be exploited.

Raising his eyes again, Kai looked at Aeris like he was desperate to tell her something. But his thoughts were still half-formed and incoherent, a jumble of feelings and memory. Like a man downing a shot of liquid courage before doing something dangerous, Kai took a sip of the weak tea, then asked, <Aeris, can I show you something?>

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

It felt like at some point Aeris would have to choose a side when it came to Kai. The Order that she wanted to help guide or the life of a friend. While she had done her best to be as understanding and receptive towards the young sithspawn, she also knew that to a greater extent she was alone in doing so. She could understand why the others might not trust him but she refused to accept it.

And yet, as he asked to show her something she felt a need to take the necessary precautions to protect herself. She closed her eyes for but a moment as she let in a deep breath and leaned against the desk to prepare her nerves and mind equally for whatever it was that Kai wanted to show her.

“Of course.” She said and extended her hand. “Go ahead.”
 
Aeris held out her hand. Kai didn’t need to touch her, but he returned the gesture anyway, clasping her hand.

<I want to show you a memory.>

***​

Kai sat on the ground in Bamarre, his body curled up against a chunk of Chaldean marble—the substance that had given him life. In his hand he clutched a sliver of the iridescent quartz that had broken off the larger rock. It sparkled in the sunlight. All around him the stones seemed to almost sing, a song which only he could hear.

The sound of a speeder approaching through the painted desert drew his attention. A few feet away, Professor Nimdok stood. He was the one who had brought Kai to Chaldea on board his ship. Behind the professor, the speeder came to a stop in the parking lot and turned off its engines.

A man with sandy blond hair stepped out of the driver’s seat and walked around to the back, retrieving a body wrapped in a blanket. He carried the bundle across the sands, his pace steady and far too slow for Kai’s liking. Impatiently Kai rose to his feet and closed the distance in one swift sprint, seizing the body from his arms.

“Be careful,” the man said, his tone awkward and more than a little wary. “She’s, uh… she refuses to wear clothes, and if anyone comes around and sees us...”

“It’s quite alright, Jorn,” Nimdok spoke to the man with the distant familiarity of old acquaintances. “Just leave them be.”

Kai barely listened to the rest of their hushed conversation. He unwrapped the blanket, revealing a naked young woman with red hair. She looked pale and emaciated. Blood had leaked in a thin trickle from the inner corner of her left eye, smearing in the crease between her nostril and cheek.

The Bamarri spirit locked within the mortal shell of the woman reached for Kai. In the Force, they embraced, and the two exchanged information at a rate that would put the fastest of computers to shame. Kai shared his entire brief lifetime in a matter of seconds, explaining everything without words. She did the same, just as she had the day he was born. This was his first friend, mother and father, brother and sister, anima to his animus. His guardian, as Nimdok called her.

Then, the torrent of sensations abruptly stopped. She pulled away from him. Still in that space where language proved too limiting a form of communication, Kai grasped her hand and asked her what was wrong.

She told him he was tainted.

A chill ran through him. There was a sour note in the symphony, a crack in the crystal. The reunion with his guardian had been spoiled by his Sithspawn nature.

<Are you really dying?> he asked, retreating back into himself in shame.

Yes, she was. She was much older than him, and while Bamarri were as eternal as any other lifeform, they couldn’t exist on this plane forever. Her time was coming to an end.

Kai ached at the confirmation of his worst fears. After contacting Jorn to arrange their reunion, Nimdok had warned him that she was fading fast—but he had still held out hope that he could do something about it. <I could try sharing my energies with you—>

She refused. He was tainted.

<Then what are we going to do?> Tears began to pool in his eyes. <I don’t want you to die. Not when I finally found you again.>

There was nothing to be done for her. But there was still something to be done about him.

<What do you mean?>

Come with me. We’ll go together, and you’ll be free!<

With telepathy, nothing is left up to interpretation. He knew at once that she meant for both of them to die together. His blood ran cold.

<But I just got here. I'm newly born.>

>It’s only your host body that’s tainted. Leave it behind.< She raised a hand and pressed it to his chest.

Kai shook his head, tears frozen on his face. <I don’t want to die. Not yet. Not—>

All his senses went totally dark. He was left with a vague impression of toppling backwards, but it was just a ghost of physicality, the last feeling he’d had before leaving his Doppelganger body. Before being pushed out.

He’d been here before, in this twilight between life and death.

“It will only take a moment. You want to live, you will live.”

Messala had crushed his original body between his claws, and his world was plunged into soundless, weightless darkness. Just like before, he scrambled to find a body to occupy, like a crab searching for a shell. Or a parasite searching for a host.

The other Bamarri, his guardian, held him back. All around him the song of the stones was louder than ever, with no Dark Side corruption or crude matter to keep him from hearing it fully. It was beautiful and terrible and he was afraid.

<No! I want to live!>

Deprived of a body, Kai felt himself not so much departing as melting back into the Force. He thrashed against his guardian’s grasp, his terrified struggle bleeding into his surroundings. Vaguely he was aware of Nimdok trying to help him, but he was powerless to prevent such forces of nature as two Bamarri.

Kai was on his own in the fight against his guardian. She was much weaker than him, he could feel it. Could feel her dying. But he didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want her to die…

At last, with his spirit half-crushed, he struck her with enough force to free himself from her grasp and flung himself back into his body. He felt her become one with the Force without him.

“Kai? Kai!” Nimdok was calling to him, his hands on the fallen Sithspawn’s shoulders.

Kai’s body gave a sudden jerk, his entire nervous system alight, muscles tensing under the stresses of repossession. His mouth opened and he made an inhuman noise so loud and strange it startled the professor and Jorn, who both backed away from him. Kai rolled over on his side, grasping at shifting sands, the sharp edges of the sliver of Chaldean marble he still held biting into his palm. It was hot and dry and musty and he was alive.

He lay there and wept.

***​

In the present, Kai let go of Aeris’ hand, slowly retreating from her mind. He waited for her to adjust, unsure of her reaction. Maybe it was too much. Maybe he shouldn’t have shown her this. But he felt like he needed to tell someone, and if anyone was going to understand, it was Aeris.

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

To not see the struggle but also feel it. To experience something so personal to Kai that at the same time felt like his way of simply retelling something. Aeris eased out of the vision, her heart pounding against her chest, shoulders sinking and rising in panic for a moment before she mellowed it out and got it under control with a deep breath.

“What she did…” Aeris frowned and gave Kai a sympathetic look. “That wasn’t right.”

“You have your own right to choose what you make of your life.” She swallowed her fear and slowly fell back into the harmonic rhythm she usually carried herself with. “You are very brave for doing what you did, Kai. Not many have the courage to stand up to injustice like that.”
 
Without a doubt, Aeris was moved by what he had shown her. Yet her response to the memory-sharing left Kai feeling a little underwhelmed. Then again, he hadn’t counted on anything more than understanding from her. She wasn’t going to instantly know exactly how to solve all his problems just because he showed her his trauma.

Still, it had been cathartic, talking to someone about it. But maybe it wasn’t quite as comforting as he had hoped.

<I’m not so sure it wasn’t right,> he replied. <It wasn’t good, but maybe it wasn’t wrong.> He leaned his head on his hand, eyelids drooping as he stared into his tea yet again, as though the leaves would divulge a reassuring future if he glared at them long enough. His eyelashes, thick and black as raven’s wings, were several shades darker than his hair. <And I wasn’t that brave. What I did, it was just survival.>

Perhaps it was a sign of looming emotional adolescence, that he was already longing for self-actualization. But in a world where it seemed like he would always be fighting, whether for the right to exist or against his own nature, justice and virtue seemed distant as dreams.

 
Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri

“Nothing in life is as straightforward as ‘yes and no’, ‘light and dark’.” Aeris said and took a sip from her tea. “Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, or to act in a certain way.”

She put the cup down and gave the boy another smile. Only in this moment did it strike her just how much more appropriate the new form was. A child, still becoming aware of life and strife. This was something that she could work with.

“Bravery is to stand up for what you believe in, and in this case you wanted to live.” Aeris tried to be comforting, she hoped it worked. “I believe in the way of the Jedi. Bravery to me is to unapologetically stand for my belief and my right to practice it without causing someone else harm.”

“Bravery is to stand up to powers that be and tell them when you believe that they are wrong, just like you did. There is not a lot of people who has that courage.”
 
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<So, if I hadn’t been brave, I would’ve just…> Ceased to exist. Become one with the Force. Dissolved into pure energy, joining the background noise of the universe.

But it would have put an end to the hunger he felt, the likelihood that he would prey upon others or do evil under the influence of the Dark Side woven into his every cell. There would be no more Kai, but there would also be no more of the Doppelganger.

<We’re not like humans,> he said, after a long mental silence during which he drank his tea as though it were the water of life. <We don’t come into being because of love or lust or to propagate power. A Bamarri exists because nature—because the Force decides they should exist. When I was fighting to survive, I felt the Force… calling to me. Summoning me back home. But I wouldn’t listen.>

He chewed on his lower lip. <If that means I’m not supposed to be alive, that I shouldn’t exist like this… that I’m unnatural and wrong, then...>

Some might conclude that Ishida, Sardun, and all those who thought like them had somehow gotten to Kai. But their automatic hatred for what he was had little to do with what he was trying to articulate. When he had heard at last the singing of the stones in Bamarre clearly, he had felt right. What had pushed him to leave that perfect harmony, to stop up his ears against it once more, was fear of the unknown as much as a desire to go on living in his imperfect state.

Kai rubbed his forehead, suddenly bashful. <We don't have to talk about this. I came here to see you. How are you?>

 
“Okay, I am sorry, I forgot.” Aeris apologized once Kai pointed out that he was in fact not human but merely looked the part. Her cheeks burned for a second before she leaned forward against her desk again and listened to the boy talk.

“I am… Okay.” Aeris sighed and leaned back in her seat. “As okay as anyone can be when they realize the amount of work that goes into keeping something like the Order afloat.”

“I do not know if you heard, but I was recently invited to join the Circle. The closest thing this Order has to a Council.” She rubbed at her eyebrows out of frustration. “First I had the Perl Incident and the investigation strike within my first few weeks, and then it just seems to be more news after the other.”

“... I am dealing, but…” Aeris chuckled, mostly out of some sort of attempt to lighten the load. “It is very different from managing a library.”

Kai Bamarri Kai Bamarri
 

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