Private A Broken Wing

[Acaadi]

Amani Serys

His arm had been numb by the time Amani had slowly woken up. An entirely predictable amount of embarrassment had followed. Acaadi hadn't minded. She must have been both physically and mentally drained. It had left him with a lot to think about. As a defence mechanism he had been trying to shield himself from his own feelings. So many had been injured and lost that he had focused on his training and not what he felt for those taken away from the Jedi. He might not even had truly looked at his feelings for Amani before she had left, let alone after.

He had come to one simple conclusion. One that he was following up on now.

Amani probably had a great deal to work through. He could not make her talk through what had happened within the Sith Empire, but he could at least be around in case she did want to talk. That was - he had decided - the best he could do for now.

Acaadi hoped she was back in her old quarters. He came around and knocked on the door the next morning.

"Saber practise is on if you want to join us?" he called quietly to the door.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani was already awake by the time the sound of knocking hit her door, yesterday’s nap doing wonders to help her catch up on much needed rest. Even if she spent a bit too much time later that night contemplating the awkwardness she was faced with afterwards. It felt like the heat was still burning on her cheeks even now.

She slid the door open, before even taking the time to register the voice, blinking a few times, then eyes growing wider when the realization of who was standing in front of her hit. “...Hi.” She sputtered out the first word coming to mind.

What did he say? A moment of panic as she searched her short-term memory.

“Uh... saber practice?” Fingers ran through her dark hair in a moment of pause. “I’m not sure I can use a saber.” Without the Force honing senses and reflexes, her equilibrium was thrown off, leaving Amani clumsy and uncoordinated, especially as she had relied on its guidance for so long. Still, the invitation was a pleasant surprise for someone who felt so distant from everything lately. She didn’t want to be alone today. “But, sure. I can try.”

With a faint smile, Amani stepped back inside, beginning to upturn the room in search of her old training saber.

 

[Acaadi]

"Hi..." he echoed back.

Stood just beyond the door, he looked as if he had been caught in the act of something. As if he couldn't find the excuse he needed to explain his actions.

He watched her from the corridor as she went rummaging around. She must have left in a hurry. Not much time had passed from the time the Grandmaster had been taken to Amani setting out after him, but perhaps enough for some planning.

"I guess just swinging the laser sword is a bit of exercise right?" he said. All of the important questions floating around in his head and that was what he asked her.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Normally a very organized person, Amani was having some surprising trouble finding this particular training saber. A trouble that was steadily frustrating her as the longer she made him wait, the more awkward it felt. Her decision to leave had been spur of the moment, and though she packed enough to take with her on the trip, Amani didn’t exactly spare the time to clean up before disappearing. The long process was even further compounded on by her current scatterbrained state of mind.

Shoving aside the items strewn across the desk yielded no results, nor any of the drawers. She flung open the wardrobe, pushing through old clothes only to be met with a similar lack of success. “Uhhh-”

A moment of clarity hit, and she scrambled to the floor, reaching under the frame of her bed and pulling out the dull silvery lightsaber hilt, along with a thin layer of dust. The particles scattered, making her turn away and cough, waving away the remainder. She hadn’t realized it had been that long since she used this thing. Her gaze lingered on the weapon as Acaadi spoke. She didn’t expect him to completely understand her hesitation, but it still was difficult to think about. “Yeah. something like that...” Amani muttered with a fake chuckle.

Eager to get a move on, she hurried back to the doorframe and tidied up. “Okay okay. I’m ready now. Let’s go.”

Amani stepped out into the corridor and began walking. Having been gone so long, the halls still felt strange; both familiar yet alien. Everything had felt that way lately. She decided it best to let Acaadi lead, sticking close to his side as they walked. Her gaze flicked over to him several times.

Say something.

“Sorry again about yesterday. Hope your arm isn’t still numb, heh?”

Not that.

 

[Acaadi]

Acaadi felt a little bit like he was intruding as he stood there, listening to the sounds of Amani tearing through her apartment. He went as far as lifting one foot to take a step inside to help, but quickly remembering himself and staying put.

"Oh it was fine, it was nice actually," he said.

Nice? She was so mentally and physically exhausted from what happened that she fell asleep on you in public. You're not supposed to call that nice.

Unlike many of the padawans, Acaadi had good parents. He had a strong mother and had been brought up a certain - respectful - way. Having her tucked into him breathing softly might have made him feel certain things, but the point was that she needed a friend to turn to now. To lean on in every sense.

They headed out into a crisp, clear day. It might have been winter but saber practise was often outdoors. There were a handful of students scattered around an open field practising. Green and blue blades slowly twirling, more often following formal patterns than being swung in sparring matches.

"How is... Elise doing?" he blurted out as he directed them towards a space.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani gave an awkward laugh, “Well, your shoulder is a surprisingly decent pillow.”

Shut uuuup.

She winced at her own comment, mind racing for a change in topic. Thankfully they had made it to the training field, and Acaadi obliged to solve the problem for her. “Um. She’s okay, I think. As much as she can be.” Amani unhooked the lightsaber hilt, slowly spinning around in her grasp as she tried to get familiar with the tool once again. “They’re keeping her monitored in the med center for now. Making sure she has as good of a recovery as possible, I guess.”

No word yet on whether or not Elise would ever get her eyesight back. Thoughts of being exposed to months of toture and imprisonment at the hands of the Sith made Amani shiver. But she believed in the Grandmaster’s strength, even if she was too afraid to go see for herself.

Amani tightened her grip on the lightsaber, cringing as if she expected something bad to happen when it ignited. A beam of blue sprang out, and she exhaled.

“So… what have you been up to these last few months. Anything interesting?”

 

[Acaadi]

"Not enough," he replied with a shrug. "Preparing for my Knight trials."

He had spent a lot of time worrying about people too. In slow time, after making his stand against the Bryn he had also been faced with his own mortality. Seeing the sacrifices made by those around him and realising that he had the determination to stand his ground brought it into sharp focus. A Jedi Knight would give their life for others.

"You can always borrow my shoulder again if..."

Acaadi frowned and reached for his training saber fairly promptly.

"Just realised how that sentence sounded out loud before my mouth finished," he apologised.

"Want to do some basic sparring patterns?" he asked. They were set routines between attacker and defender, often used to warm up.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

“Well- That’s exciting!” was all the response she could come up with. It was easy to forget everything still moved forward even while she was gone. The idea of him and others preparing to take this massive leap into the next stage of being a Jedi while she was facing current setbacks was odd to reconcile. Amani was still processing if she was even going to be able to be a Jedi right now.

Acaadi’s comment more or less distracted any line of thinking she had. “I...” Trying to decipher whether it was supposed to be a joke or an actual offer led to a momentary short-circuit, though he quickly rescinded, “It’s alright.” She laughed awkwardly.

She was a bit anxious still to try, but at least a warm up would help. “Sure. That sounds… easy.” Amani waved the weapon around with slow, deliberate arcs, changing the subject for a moment as she readied herself. “Y’know, when we’re done here, maaaybe we could go get that cake you offered yesterday?" She hadn’t eaten yet, after all. "I-if you're hungry, at least."

After a few moments, Amani took a standard defensive position, one she was familiar with. “Ready when you are. Go easy on me?” She half-joked.

 

[Acaadi]

Acaadi was glad they could move beyond the offer which - if he had finished - was essentially to let her use him as a pillow. He took a step back, activating the training saber with its usual snap-hiss. Acaadi grounded himself in the Force and tried to settle his mind in the moment. That sense of calm was disrupted by her question, despite how innocuous it was.

"That would be really nice," he replied. He tried to smooth out the smile that stole his expression, but it wasn't easy. It was only cake, but it was returning to something. Picking off where they had left off. A moment of normality after tumultuous times.

"You remember Shii-Cho drill pattern one?" he asked. It was one of the first things all padawans learned. He could remember standing ten feet from his partner going through the motions before they were allowed to do it.

"I'll attack," he added. He took up a position opposite her, raising his blade to strike from above. It was a simply, six move sequence.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

“Cool! Cool.” Amani’s lips had also begun to tug into a smile. They were in agreement then, something painfully normal was just the kind of thing they needed.

“Who doesn’t?” She responded with false confidence. Not that she didn’t know it, but she found herself suffering from the same sort of anxiety as when she first ever picked up a lightsaber. Rehearsing the motions, sparring, and actual fighting were all three very different things. Amani focused inward with a deep breath, and waited for Acaadi’s first move.

It’s just practice. The sentence repeated in her head. She knew what the opening was, and she knew how to defend against it. It’s just practice.

But as soon as the first strike was made, that focus was thrown out the window. The panic of an oncoming attack, mismatched with a delayed sense of reflex in a way that made her stomach turn. Amani had brought up her own lightsaber to counter the downward strike, albeit late, and the block sunk in closer than intended. As the beams of light collided, reminders of battle flashed in her mind, for Jedi and Sith, and of the last time she tried to wield a lightsaber. When somebody died. She couldn’t feel the pull of the dark side anymore, but the stains of such violence in her memory were all too clear.

Against the intended routine, Amani shoved back up against the attack, backing away and swinging her blade out in a wide arc to ward away any further attempts. She stumbled back into the grass, her grip loosened until the weapon flew from her hand at the end of the swing, dropping into the grass as the beam fizzled out.

What had started so normal had quickly thrown her into a panic, the Mirialan folding inward on herself, “I’m sorry! I can’t! I-I can’t do it, I’m sorry!” She repeated, shaky words fumbling together.

 

[Acaadi]

Acaadi thumbed his saber, the blade extinguished in an instant. He was a young man, no expert on how war and trauma could shape the mind. He didn't need any experience at all the recognise how much she was struggling. This had been a bad idea. His bad idea.

A slow step and he dropped his knee to the floor, coming to rest beside her. He held out his hand, palm upwards.

"You can do it. Or you will be able to do it. I shouldn't have asked you to do this." Acaadi frowned, looking apologetic.

"No need to be sorry, let me give you a hand up and...and I've got a different idea."

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani’s sudden outburst at first amplified. She tried to explain herself through panicked breaths, to little effect, “I don’t know- I just - shouldn’t have come! It all happened really fast, and I panicked! A-and then- I can’t even hold that stupid thing without freaking out! And, and-”

Acaadi reached out his hand, and she looked back up at him. Her string of words trailed off, breathing beginning to steady as she tried to calm down. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to-” Amani lowered into a hushed voice, taking his hand. The scene had more than a few of the other nearby trainees looking in their direction. “This is really embarrassing.” her whole face turned a darker shade of green than ever.

With his help she took the effort to stand, letting his support ease her into a sense of calm.

 

[Acaadi]

"Don't think about," he said, trying to breeze past the subject. He knew that for her, it wasn't a subject she could simply walk away from. What had happened was going to be following her around for some time.

"I probably shouldn't have swung a lightsaber at you, even slowly."

He didn't need to explain that he had underestimated how horrific her experience had been. That was rather apparent now.

"You know the meditation rooms? We could get one of those and one of the wooden practise swords. Nice and quiet, just the forms. No sparring. Just relaxing.

"It's that or cake. Though I know much doesn't beat cake..." He was trying to smile, trying to look encouraging.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

“Sorry.” She extended the sheepish apology again, both to him and the others around who had seen. It was one thing to embarrass herself, but it was compounded by the concern that she was embarrassing Acaadi, too.

Trying not to think about it brought little success. What else was there to think about? It could only bring her mind back to why she fell apart in the first place. She focused on him instead, nodding repeatedly at the suggestion. “Sure. Sure.” Her hand gripped tighter around his, and she pulled the both of them away from the training grounds in a rush towards the meditation rooms.

The need to escape eventually subsided, and once they were separate from the others Amani slowed down to a more natural pace, though she’d yet to loosen her grip. “Meditation room sounds fine.” She muttered defeatedly. It was at least a safe alternative. “I should’ve known better than to bother with a lightsaber right now.” Not wanting to lead the conversation further down that path, Amani sealed her lips tight until they reached their destination.

Without skipping a beat she scanned their options when the reached the meditation chambers, sliding open the first unoccupied room and pulling herself and Acaadi inside. It must have all seemed so bizarre from his perspective. There was this compelling to explain herself that she couldn’t quite meet. Amani matched his gaze in a long moment of stunned silence before she spoke again. “I feel like there’s so much I have to tell you. I just... I don’t know how to start.” She squeezed his palm once before finally loosening her grasp.

 

[Acaadi]

Acaadi had thought that lightsaber forms would be a grounding activity, linked to muscle memory and not emotions. It had been a mistake and he was feeling rather disappointed in himself for causing such a reaction. He was meandering through life, focussing on himself and everyone else was breaking apart.

With a soft sigh he broke from her gaze. There was little comfort in the meditation chambers. Cushions on the floor was as good as it got.

"Why don't you sit down, take your time and start when you want to then," he offered.

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani stepped back and over towards the rack of practice swords. “It’s just… it’s hard.” She cautiously wrapped her fingers around one of the wooden hilts, as if to test that it wouldn’t elicit the same reaction. With a sigh she let go and resigned herself to a cushion on the floor.

“Yesterday I told you about how close I got. To failing. To the dark side.” Her face scrunched up in thought as she struggled to form the right words. “I’m just not over it yet. I can’t stop thinking about it all. Every time I close my eyes it’s like I’m right back where I was a month ago.”

All that time in Sith space spent drawing on darkness may has well have been a form of self-torture. Endless deception, fear, guilt, and anger. There were too many words to describe being trapped in that position for so long. The emotional whiplash, compared to years of tucking away her feelings, had drained her. The dark side had defeated her. “The only reason I’m not, is because I got lucky.”

Amani looked down at her hands, “And holding that lightsaber in my hand, all I see is red.” There were compromises some Jedi were willing to make. Compromises she could not.

The scene at the boarding ramp replayed. A Sith transport pilot holding a blaster to her head. She didn’t have a choice. Did she?

“Acaadi… I killed someone.”

 

[Acaadi]

Acaadi had been about to launch into a speech about how luck could not have seen her through this on its own. To step into the world of the sith and to come out of it alive and with the Grandmaster was a feat he did not think he would be able to pull off.

His explanation was gone to moment she explained further. It wasn't the notion of being forced to kill that stopped him. It was the emotion in her voice. Amani was to have become a healer. She had stopped to miss lessons to look after a wounded bird. It wasn't the act, it was who she was and how her actions conflicted with that.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I guess I try and think about what I achieved. It's a long time since I killed someone the first time. It...isn't I guess. It feels like a long time ago."

Acaadi finally sat down, taking a cushion next to her instead of facing her as if this was some kind of interview.

Amani Serys

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani finished her admission with a shaky exhale, her gaze fixing to the floor as Acaadi sat next to her.

“I get it. I get that it... happens. But-“ Her voice was weak, and choked trying to find the words, “It goes against everything I’ve ever stood for.”

It was something many Jedi were made to face. But the justification of defending that which was right was good enough for many. For her it was an act made in fear, fulfilled without thought. It was only after that she was able to grasp the reality of what happened. But even now, away from it all, she couldn’t find a way to justify it. Not then, and perhaps never. It just wasn’t in her nature.

Amani turned to look at him now, "What was it like? For you?” She asked almost detachedly, hoping to glean the experience of a separate perspective.

 

[Acaadi]

"It was a shock," he said. He grimaced, deciding to himself that it wasn't the explanation she deserved.

"I didn't try and kill someone, I lashed out with the Force. I don't think I really had time to think about it right away. Afterwards I had to come to terms with the fact that what I can do...it can really hurt people. It has to be under my control."

Acaadi had focused on control so much since that day, now years in the past. He had become a very precise swordsman and very adept at fine telekinetic control.

"I killed many of the Bryn when they attacked," he admitted. "It felt as if a conscious choice that time and I barely felt any remorse for it. Is that wrong?"

Amani Serys

 

[Amani Serys]

Acaadi​

Amani nodded her head, finding his experience very similar to her own. It brought her some measure of comfort at least, knowing it wasn’t the kind of struggle she was alone in.

The mention of the Bryn brought similar memories of its own. “Me too.” She hadn’t given it much thought before. At the moment it seemed justifiable enough, and the battle wasn’t exactly a moment she was eager to reminisce on after the fact, “I… don’t know. The Bryn are… unique. There’s no negotiating with them like other sentients. I think at the time I accepted that just fine. Nowadays I just don’t wanna be a part of it anymore.” Amani wasn’t going to try to answer the question of whether it was objectively right or wrong. But she hoped it was at least clear she didn’t hold it against them.

For a moment she paused and shut her eyes, reflecting on everything that brought them here. In truth nothing felt truly ‘right’ anymore. Her argument with Centin only a few nights prior made that more clear to her. Amani opened her eyes again and spoke, her voice nearly a whisper, “I don’t think I’m cut out for this, Acaadi. Being a Jedi.” It was clear it was a painful admission to make.

“This used to be my biggest dream. Now everywhere I turn I can only see the faults. Not to mention I can’t even use the Force.” It seemed like a superficial point to make, but their connection to the Force was what really separated the Jedi from everyone else.

“...I think I need to leave the Jedi.”