An unseen held her in place with nothing solid beneath her perceived form. Weightless and held aloft in the nothing that dominated the space around her. Surrounded by everything and nothing all at once as her mind drifted behind the safety of that dark veil. Shut tight against the real as she simply existed. A lack of feeling behind that simple existence in this other place as she allowed herself to simply be.
No peace.
The forced calm that she had placed around herself long spent as her eyes stared into the blank sky. Or ground. Or whatever it was that met her gaze. Unblinking and absent of the need to feel at ease.
No chaos.
The worries and stress had fled. Leaving her with a strange sensation of emptiness. As if she had been split open and swept clean. The forced memories and feelings were gone. The past mistakes wiped away as she finally blinked and drew in a breath.
Just. Nothing.
“We can't stay here.”
A disruption to the silence. A piercing of the absolute still of this strange place as her own eyes peered back at her. Dark strands of hair tickling her nose as that familiar figure stood above her. Looked down at her as if expecting something of her. The urge to say something pithy or even apologetic wasn't there. It simply didn't exist. Rolling over to remove the sight of herself from view and to continue staring into that blank space that made her feel nothing more pertinent than trying to shoo the disturbance away.
Why did she have to try?
“Can't ignore me either.”
Her mirror didn't so much move as simply appear in her sight once more. The blank nothing rippled as if something were trying to grab at it to peel it back.
“Why… ” She finally muttered. Those yellow orbs narrowed as her mirror held up a hand. Cupping it's ear and turning to hear her better. Plainly mocking as its voice made a sing-song sound of question. The silent jab drew an emotion from that far away place, all of them seemed to be stored as she bared her teeth.
“Why can't we stay here?” Less a question and more a whip crack demand. A familiar burn of anger filling the empty space inside of her with each word. As though it would consume her from inside and leave a withered husk behind when it had finally snuffed itself out.
Mirth flooded the air between them, her mirror content to allow herself to smile as Lossa tried to return to that tranquil nothing. A worthless effort as the embers of that fiery emotion clawed through her completely.
“Because we aren't done yet, stupa.” The mocking smile faded as the veil was pressed against once more. An urgency behind the way it rolled. Stretched and thin against something trying to breach that veil before it came to a point and threatened to pierce the space completely.
Fear was quick to return at the sight. Cumbersome as Lossa tried to roll once more. Tried to ignore whatever was trying to draw her back and away from this serene place.
“I can't go back. I'm not good enough. I cause problems and headaches no matter what I try to do.” Bitterness poured through her words. A pang of guilt arrived alongside the flashes of past events like still shots through the nothing around them. A searing knife through her core at every joyous thing she had spoiled by just being present.
“Who says we cause problems?”
The words hung in the air as the burn of anger intensified. The sky turned blank around them once more as the memories fled. The sensation flooded every fiber of her existence in that space before it was smothered. Blinking at the words that had made her name the ones who had forced her to feel shame. To find fault with her existence. And only finding one to name.
The blank space slowly shifted to a deep night instead of that blank dark.
“Who?”
Her mirror spoke again as the feeling of floating settled over her. A shiver worked its way down her back as the sudden cold flooded her senses, completely smothering the embers of the pyre that once raged inside of her. A clarity came across her mind as a pink hand obscured her vision of the night sky. Brow knit together at the sight as all but the middle finger and thumb extended flat. Tilting her head as the two digits caught one another in a curl before flicking across her nose.
“Ow! Was having a moment there.”
“That's nice and all but use your big kid words.” The hand withdrew, settling on the knee of her mirror as it crouched down beside her. Watching. Waiting for acknowledgement. The frown it wore slightly curled at the ends despite the downturned center. Already aware of the answer but waiting.
The night sky beyond began to bear tiny lights. As if some unseen needle had poked holes in the dark to let in the soft light beyond.
A resigned sigh escaped as she finally felt the strength to lift a hand. Holding it high above herself as if to reach out and grab the sky to lift herself upright.
“Me.”
No great sound of achievement or congratulations passed between them. Just the gentle lap of waves filled her senses. The only sound to acknowledge her words as her mirror let the frown slowly morph into a sly but proper smile.
“Spent all that time sitting still, and didn't understand the true lesson Romi was giving us. You can't reach a goal that keeps moving with every success.” Exasperation lacing the words as her mirror pushed itself upright. Going still as its eyes twitched back and forth. Silently processing something unseen before offering a hand down to her.
A radiant light began to swallow their surroundings. Starting from a seamless horizon as it moved from her peripheral to the center of her vision in a slow arc.
“Time's up. At least for now.” Her mirror shrugged as Lossa took the offered hand. A weight shifted from her as she rose from the water that now surrounded her. Sloughing into the water without a sound despite disturbing the surface behind her and casting a ripple across the glass like surface.
The sandbar they stood on had emerged from nothing, but seemed terribly familiar to her eyes as her mirror disturbed the peaceful sounds once more.
“You aren't so bad when you aren't being a fething harpy.” Lossa side eyed her mirror, getting the same look in return as her mirror patted her back.
“Focused on the wrongs parts too much. Trying to remind us why we care, and we took it to heart instead of doing what we do best." She couldn't help but stare at her mirror as it clicked its tongue and nodded at her.
“For real. Time's up. And do us a favor, huh?” A curious look cast as it turned its attention to the growing light. “Come back when you figure out what good enough is yeah?”
The hand yanked her forward into a brilliant and blinding light as the protective veil was pulled away. A sensation of tumbling as her mind returned to the real bringing with it a flood of information that she was struggling to process. A sharp gasp escaping her as one eye was forced to stare into an excruciatingly bright light. Eyelid peeled open and held there as she tried to pull her head away from the source.
“Oh I-Oh! Aha. Uh nurse! Nurse! She's awake!” A blurry figure withdrew both the hand and the offending light as they hollered. Leaving Lossa to rapidly blink to clear away the spots in her vision. Squinting to let her eyes focus as the blur made it difficult to distinguish between the muddled colors around her. A string of multicolored orbs swam in her vision, slowly faded from her vision as the blurry form behind them disappeared from sight. A flurry of muted voices far away became clearer with each blink as her vision came into focus. White wash walls greeted her with a light above that carried an all too familiar buzz to it.
The disorientated feeling gave way to confusion as she looked around, opening her eyes wide to get rid of the lingering dryness in her eyes as her brain finally registered where she was. A scowl settled over her as she leaned back into the equally familiar bed, wiggling a hand and finding a discomfort she had thought would never be part of life again.
A sharp pain crawling up the bones of her hand.
As much as self reflection had alleviated the sensation of guilt over the past. It hadn't helped get over the knee-jerk tantrum over where she had ended up once more.
“Fething hospital again.” Tensing her whole body to flail against the bed much to her regret.
All of her felt sore. Centered on her abdomen as she gasped for air, the whoosh of the door coming from behind the closed curtain. a dark void against the bright lights surrounding her. Face screwed up as if she'd found something sour to bite into while her muscles and brain fought each other for the right to breath after the flailing. Thoughts slowly caught up to her as she managed to squeak out a question between the deep gasps for air.
“Zaiya?” A singular nurse pausing to listen before asking another about the name. A string of queries back and forth as they figured out who she meant.
“The kid? She's fine. We'll bring her in but. You need to lay back and relax. You had to und-” A sharp hiss silenced the nurse as another stared at her wide eyed. A silent conversation had with looks and subtle gestures as she was left to look between the two in wonder.
“Had to what?” Her hand moved to her stomach. Failing to register the change at first as the nurses ground to a halt around her and stared with mixed looks of anxiety and apprehension. A muttered feth passed through the air. Silent as the grave as Lossa looked down to see the round shape of her belly.
Missing.
Her hand pulled back and away, head tilting slightly as those around her watched the cogs visibly turn. A gentle pat of her belly to confirm that she wasn't missing something. Or rather was, before her head turned to look at her left side. To confirm the arm was still missing as she wiggled what should have been a stump. Staring at the new arm for several seconds before looking back at her missing belly. Slowly letting her hand settle over it before looking up at the nurses.
Her mouth opened. Hanging open as her eyes twitched in a fruitless search for the words she wanted to say. As if waiting for the words to appear like a script in front of her. Her mouth shut once more as she adjusted herself in the bed and blinked.
Each nurse glanced at the other without moving a muscle in fear they'd set her off. Each trying to figure out what the Lossa was thinking or even if she was thinking. Some began to feel the ache of anxiety along their back in preparation to catch her in case she tried to sit up. Instead, their patience was rewarded with words.
“Where's my baby?”
