Totally Real Adventures of Auteme
"Holiday Special"
Holoplay by Inanna Hoole


The Galactic League of Extraordinary Space Wizards and their most recent rival faction, the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Space Vampires, is holding a meeting in hopes of establishing peace. AUTEME is standing at the front of the conference hall, surrounded by flowers and cute cuddly animals that have been inexplicably drawn there by her mere presence. An axe lays propped up on the floor against the side of the podium in case any of the vamps get out of line. As a regular viewer of the show, I must say that I do not approve of the sudden switch in Auteme's actress; the current Ithorian lead is obviously too old to be playing a young woman, although she does capture the spirit of the character better than the Twi'lek actress at the beginning of the series, who was far too young and had an annoyingly squeaky voice.

AUTEME: Well, is everyone here?

A wide shot reveals the hall is evenly split between Space Wizards and Vampires. The latter are being kept inside force cages for the protection of the former. RYV, the Dagger of the Space Wizards and a known warmonger motivated by an intense personal hatred of vampires, is the first to speak up. Please ask the Aqualish actor portraying him to tone it down and refrain from screaming his lines.

RYV: I say we exterminate the lot of 'em!

AUTEME: Settle down now Ryvvy dear, we're not barbarians.

One of the Vampires begins barking like a dog and foaming at the mouth, its nose proboscises wiggling in search of prey. The others in the cages jump up and down, beat their chests, and make bestial noises, joining in on the fun. (Network Censor's Note: Please delete any depiction of the Vampires that may be considered a racist caricature of the Anzati species.) AERARII TITHE, Auteme's current love interest, decides to give his two cents. His dialogue has been rendered to accommodate for his Toydarian actor's distinct pattern of speech.

AERARII: Well uh, you see uh, Auteme dearest, it looks to me like the vampires here are a little too crazy and uh, can't be reasoned with. Can we even be sure that uh, they're sentient beings?

RYV: They're animals! They can't be trusted! [turning to the cages and shaking his fist] You Vampire bastards killed my son!

AERARII: Oh wow. Ryv, uh, I never knew you had a son. Wow, that's truly tragic.

RYV: [tearing at his clothes dramatically] Don't believe them! Don't trust them!

AUTEME: But Ryvvy, they're dying.

RYV: Let them die!

As the camera pans over the increasingly unruly Vampires, the last of the cages is revealed to be occupied by none other than ADRIAN VANDIIR, last week's cowardly villain and the Patron Saint of Ethical Medical Practices. The Shi'ido actor portraying him is perhaps the only reason anyone is still watching the series at this point, as he provides a campy elegance to offset the overacting of Ryv. Adrian looks rather upset to be stuck in a cage, standing with his hands on his hips and his lip jutting out in a pout.

ADRIAN: [sniffling] This is unlawful imprisonment! I demand my right to an attorney!

RYV: Forget it, Adrian! Your time has come to an end! A dark, dank prison cell in a Hutt's palace awaits you after your trial for war crimes!

ADRIAN: I know my rights! I know the law! Better than you, I'm sure. After all, my secret plans have already been set in motion, and they are perfectly legal.

AERARII: Uh, secret plans? Nobody said anything about any secret plans. Did you hear anything about some secret plans? Because I didn't. Wow.

AUTEME: Adrian, what are your secret plans?

ADRIAN: I've concocted a virus that will alter the Vampires' DNA, crossing them with another species to create a new Sithspawn race of my own creation.

AUTEME: What species did you cross them with?

ADRIAN: Porgs!

Gasps from the crowd. The Vampires abruptly fall into stunned silence. Examining themselves, they realize they have begun to sprout soft fur. One tries to roar, but it comes out as an adorable squawk instead.

AUTEME: You can't cross Vampires with porgs, Adrian.

ADRIAN: Yes I can.

AUTEME: No, you can't.

ADRIAN: Yes, I can! And once every last cell in every last Vampire has been transformed, I'm going to turn them into a fast food franchise, just like Kalidan Fried Ewok! Really, Auteme, you should be thanking me. Once the Vampires have ceased to be a threat, you won't have to hunt them anymore!

AUTEME: But if you turn all the Vampires into porgs, I'll be out of a job!

ADRIAN: Exactly! But I am a reasonable man. If you let me out of this cage, perhaps I can find a cure for this virus before it's too late.

Conflicted as to how to handle this moral conundrum, Auteme flings herself into Aerarii's arms.

AUTEME: Oh, Aerarii! I don't know what to do!

AERARII: There there now, uh, Auteme. You remember the League Code? Especially the, uh, the part with, uh...

AUTEME: The part about peace?

AERARII: No no, the part about doing what you feel is right, of course.

AUTEME: But if I do what's right, I won't be able to hunt vampires anymore!

AERARII: Well uh, I guess that means it's time for you to hang up the ol' axe and settle down, maybe eat some Kalidan Fried Ewok with me to take your mind off things.

The conference is interrupted by a tremendous crash. The ship shakes and alarms begin to blare.

RANDOM CREWMAN: All personnel, man your stations! We're under attack!

As the space battle ensues, Auteme is blasted by an explosion and knocked off her feet. As she struggles to get up, she finds herself looking up at Adrian, who is now out of his cage.

ADRIAN: I told you I knew the law better than you did. You should've let me go while you still had the chance. Now I have no reason to find a cure. I hope you have a good retirement plan.

AUTEME: Noooooooooo!


The scene abruptly cuts to Auteme in bed, tossing and turning in her sleep. Aerarii shakes her awake. It was all just a bad dream. Sighing in relief at this realization, Auteme sits up and looks around. The camera pans out to reveal her room covered in festive decorations, apparently placed there overnight. Aerarii, Ryv, and the rest of the League are standing around, ready to wish her a happy Life Day. But something doesn't seem quite right.

AUTEME: My Schwartz senses are tingling... something is wrong here...

We end on a close up of Auteme looking uncertain and suspicious, leaving the episode on a cliffhanger.