Hey Chaos. Its just me this time, about me. I've never been good about starting things, probably worse at ending them, but hey. Saying I suck at starting things seems like a good place to start, right?
My name is Kyle. Nothing really special about it. My middle name though, that's Alan. Same with my father, same with my grandfather. The eldest son gets the middle name, kind of like a tradition. Two years ago my grandfather died when one of his lungs gave out, and the other filled with liquid. They kept him alive for a day, trying to save him, but it failed. He drowned for twenty four hours. Last year, my grandfather on my mothers side died from cancer. In the last three years of his life he went from a man who wanted to change his life around to a frail man. He had been overweight for some time, and for a year he started walking with my grandmother, and lost so much weight.
Then he got smacked hard with cancer, and smacked at the same time with altimers. I watched my grandfather not only physically die, but mentally. He lost both, and when he died two years later I was happy. He still was himself. Still had enough that neither the altimers or cancer could claim and died as Grumpy, my ice cream stealing grandfather.
This year, just two days ago, my girlfriends grandfather, Helmet, passed away. Cancer. He was a German Jew who escaped the holocaust. Escaped Hitler and the Nazis. I've met him only three times, and he was one of the most amazing people I've met. Yesterday Rachel, my girlfriend, and I were going to visit him. She was told that he wasn't doing well, so we planned to go on that Saturday. And it turned out to be one day to late. One day too late for her to say good by. We went to visit her grandmother and some of her family, and I could feel the sadness. The pain.
But it all became painfully clear when Piccolo, Helmets dog, sat in his chair and whined for Helmet. He wanted to go to the bedroom where Helmet had been, snuggle with him. But Helmet was gone.
In a month i finally get to see a doctor. Its been over four years since I last could. And I am so terrified. For these years I've felt bad. I'm probably paranoid, and I hope I am. But the constant dizzy fits, the inability to keep my eyes in focus. The coughing every single day for all those years until I vomit or dry heave (which, id rather vomit then dry heave any day.) has me scared. As I type this on my tablet I cant stop shaking. Typing this out has only made the fear worse, but its a reality I need to face.
Four years ago I was told I was prediabetic. That if I didn't loose weight, id get diabetes. And I only gained weight. College was so stressful, and for the last two years I've been paying so much money to them. So much that I cant live on my own. That I've had to pick between paying the school, gas, or food. Which, sad to say, food is the one I tend to omit. If I dont pay the school, they'll harass my mother for the 40k we just dont have. Amd that's just one of the loans. The other one is the one just in my name, that I can ignore to pay everything else.
But I got a good job now. One that pays me enough that I can think to get my own place. Live with my girlfriend finally, after being with her for over four years.
But none of this changes how terrified I am of going to the doctor. I am so terrified that I'll have something life threatening. That even with insurance, it would cost thousands. Thousands I dont have. That my family doesn't have. If I were to die, my school loans would go away. If I were told get disabled, the same thing. I'm terrified that if there is something wrong, it would be so much more cost effective for me to die.
I come here to chaos to escape these thoughts. To escape my fear and write Darth Ferus, a Sith Lord who cheats death and makes the force his queen. But I dont want to play a character that no one wants to RP with. I just want to play a bad guy people have to overcome. Not a mustache 'I'll get you next time!' but a guy who strikes fear into the hearts of those who oppose them. But I dont want to be a god. I dont want to hear people complaining in the back ground. I make so many feedback threads because if there's one thing im almost as paranoid about as dying, its being hated. Looked down upon. That guy that people talk about behind closed doors about how stupid and rediculas he is. That you should never RP with him.
I'm a real person Chaos, and the things people say hurt. It hurts a lot. RP is how I coped with my mom trying to kill herself, how I coped with a childhood friends suicide. Im not here for the lulz, PR the board game, or the OOC cliques. I'm here to write good stories with as many people as I can before I end up dead, be it sooner or preferably later. To you people out there who talk smack, look down on other people, or anything like that, just stop. Stop with the hate out of character. Stop with the bullying. Stop with anything like this as I cant think of examples.
I've learned and seen so much hate, and its needless. We all come here to write, so why cant we just work together? Please chaos, just treat each other like actual people.