What is a soul, I found myself asking after the battle of Elrood. Did those things, the purple and black monstrosities that poured from every crevice, every crack in the hangar, every corner of the city- did they have souls? Did they have purpose? Did they feel fear? Did they feel pain? When I shot that girl, that little girl. She looked so angry, so full of hate. And I look back now, and I look at how I was, and how I am.
And I hate myself.
Every day, I wake up, hating myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk now. The way I walk. But more importantly, the way I act. I can't remember the last time I smiled. Maybe when @Aditya Amadis and I were having brunch together, and then flew through the busy skyline. She looked so radiant and so beautiful, so elegant and so classy, so sophisticated and so intelligent. And there I was. The brute in the armor. Is that all I am now, a savage beast, to be released by the Mandalorians or by the few friends and allies I have, like an attack dog? Some wild animal, caged in Beskar'gam, let loose upon the enemies of the Mando'ade?
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself everytime I take a life. I've grown to hate myself so much, that it's hard to hate anything else.
When I killed James Parker, I felt a sort of pride. There wasn't a sense of relief, but for a brief moment, I felt myself admiring myself. Admiring my skills, my growth as a warrior. And I knew, that that's what was wrong with me. I felt myself begin to change. It started physically, I could see my eyes grow darker and my sockets sinking in from exhaustion and overexertion in my every day life. It's hard to chase people from one end of the galaxy to the next and not be tired, or suffer from it in some way. Scars, tattoos, and muscles appeared on my body in a clockwork like fashion. I stopped talking to my family. How do you tell your mother, that your job is to kill people? How do you tell your brothers and sisters that you get a genuine pleasure out of hurting someone?
I remember a droid asked a question, to it's Master one day. My father told me this story, when I was younger. He asked "Does this unit have a soul?" And depending on the night, my father would either say the man hugged his droid and said that of course he did, or if it was a night, he'd say that he destroyed the droid and the droid's soul haunted him.
And I realized something, that I do have a soul.
But I don't think it's here in me anymore. I suspect it left sometime after Elrood, after all those horrors. That it went away, to try and escape from this hell I found myself in. How do the Sith find power in this? In this negativity- this is so awful, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I want to feel again. I want to love again. But it seems that I can't, every time I pick up a gun, put on my gauntlets, or do anything, it pushes my soul farther and farther away.
I should find it sometime, shouldn't I? I should find it, I should take it back, and maybe, just maybe- try to find out who I am besides this monster.
Ashin called me a wolf. I'm an animal now. That's fair to say, a savage beast with no other purpose than stalking and killing. She isn't wrong. But she shouldn't be right.
And I hate myself.
Every day, I wake up, hating myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk now. The way I walk. But more importantly, the way I act. I can't remember the last time I smiled. Maybe when @Aditya Amadis and I were having brunch together, and then flew through the busy skyline. She looked so radiant and so beautiful, so elegant and so classy, so sophisticated and so intelligent. And there I was. The brute in the armor. Is that all I am now, a savage beast, to be released by the Mandalorians or by the few friends and allies I have, like an attack dog? Some wild animal, caged in Beskar'gam, let loose upon the enemies of the Mando'ade?
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself everytime I take a life. I've grown to hate myself so much, that it's hard to hate anything else.
When I killed James Parker, I felt a sort of pride. There wasn't a sense of relief, but for a brief moment, I felt myself admiring myself. Admiring my skills, my growth as a warrior. And I knew, that that's what was wrong with me. I felt myself begin to change. It started physically, I could see my eyes grow darker and my sockets sinking in from exhaustion and overexertion in my every day life. It's hard to chase people from one end of the galaxy to the next and not be tired, or suffer from it in some way. Scars, tattoos, and muscles appeared on my body in a clockwork like fashion. I stopped talking to my family. How do you tell your mother, that your job is to kill people? How do you tell your brothers and sisters that you get a genuine pleasure out of hurting someone?
I remember a droid asked a question, to it's Master one day. My father told me this story, when I was younger. He asked "Does this unit have a soul?" And depending on the night, my father would either say the man hugged his droid and said that of course he did, or if it was a night, he'd say that he destroyed the droid and the droid's soul haunted him.
And I realized something, that I do have a soul.
But I don't think it's here in me anymore. I suspect it left sometime after Elrood, after all those horrors. That it went away, to try and escape from this hell I found myself in. How do the Sith find power in this? In this negativity- this is so awful, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I want to feel again. I want to love again. But it seems that I can't, every time I pick up a gun, put on my gauntlets, or do anything, it pushes my soul farther and farther away.
I should find it sometime, shouldn't I? I should find it, I should take it back, and maybe, just maybe- try to find out who I am besides this monster.
Ashin called me a wolf. I'm an animal now. That's fair to say, a savage beast with no other purpose than stalking and killing. She isn't wrong. But she shouldn't be right.
