Location: The Silver Rest, Kashyyyk
I've been having nightmares lately, and mornings like this one where I wake up drenched in sweat and can't shake the images from my head. It seems like it was all a blur but then there are moments, bits of the dream that are really vivid.
One of the craziest dreams I've had was of two people fighting with their lightsabers. I think one of them was a Jedi, and the other one had a red blade which sounds like the Sith that we learned about in class. The fight was really intense and probably not how they really are but they were using the Force and everything right up until the Jedi got stabbed through the chest. When it happened, it felt as though I had been stabbed or something. I remember waking up as soon as it happened because I must have yelled or something and woken up my roommate.
Apparently, I talk in my sleep too.
Anyway. Last night's dream was just as weird as the rest. I was standing...Somewhere familiar but all I could see was darkness around me and the footpath I was in the middle of.
On the left and the right, there were two other people, I've never seen them before and have no idea who they were but one of them was smiling and encouraging me to go to them, while the other just stared at me and gave me a really horrible feeling like they wanted to hurt me.
I don't know why something like this bothers me so much. After all, I've been through a starship crash and I didn't have nightmares or even normal dreams about all of that. Every time I have one of these dreams, I end up feeling really uneasy all day, almost nervous like I've done something wrong but in all my classes or interactions with the others, no one asks or says anything so it's not like anyone notices or knows anything I don't...It all just makes me feel like I don't fit in or belong here as I should be somewhere else. Not that I have anywhere or anyone else to go to.
I suppose there's Caedyn. He did invite me to visit a place with him. Mnemasine or something like that, some world that he reckons is peaceful and not like how my last trip went but I dunno. Most times with Caedyn we end up talking about something to do with my past and what happened and leaves me annoyed at knowing so little of what he asks about.
Supposedly, a Jedi isn't meant to worry about these sort of things, according to my Force Mastery & Theory Tutor; They learn how to focus on what they're doing day by day instead of worrying about the past or the future, or their feelings about things. Some of my classmates think it's about not being so emotional or listening to our what our feelings are telling us but it's sort of hard to ignore how you feel when things are feeling bad or troubling. How do you just ignore it when somethings bothering you? Meditation was also suggested but grife it's so sooo boring! You just sit there until you get a sore butt, and then you sit there some more waiting for something to happen...-And it never does!
I don't know how good of a Jedi I'll turn out to be, if I do eventually pass my initiation trials and become an actual Padawan Learner. After that you get accepted by a Jedi Knight or Master and they teach you themselves, or so I was told. I'm not sure what sort of messed up Master would want to take me for a Padawan though. I can't even sleep right.
I guess I should talk to Caedyn or ask one of my classmates if they've gone through dreams like these. See if it's a normal thing for new Jedi to go through. I've got LSAT starting at 0900 hours, so I guess that could work. I'll see how I'm feeling during class I guess. I should go and get some breakfast before then though.
That's it for now.