First let me start by saying that I understand many of you despise me. That is well within your rights. You can feel anything you wish about me and I don't fault you for it. I will also say that I have been discouraged from posting like this by Spencer, who I consider a friend, because of the possibility for it going badly. I thank her for that advice, but I feel compelled to post this.
I have been around the RP world for many years. I first started on Fans back in 2001, went to TGC, and then TRF, and half a dozen other places. I always ended up back at TGC. Things there went south and I eventually ended up here. I have seen everything. Nothing that has happened on Chaos is new to me as far as the OOC drama goes. Nor is the winning mentality exhibited by some new to me. When I first started RPing I wanted to win everything. It was my goal to be the most powerful Jedi the galaxy had ever seen and in some eyes I achieved that. In others I was just another Jedi. It's all a matter of perception, but more on that to follow.
I grew out of the desire to want to win everything. I still enjoy winning, but instead of pursuing winning, I have chosen to pursue good story. That's why I became an author. I have stories that run through my head all the time. Tales I wish to tell through my characters. And when someone does something that I perceive as wrong, and my character has to deal with it, I get upset. This is not an unnatural response from anyone. I understand that other people also get this way.
But it is wrong of me to assume that everyone else will play to my story. Everyone else has goals for their characters as well, and those goals may be contradictory to mine. That's the nature of RP and for a long time I've struggled with this just as I think many people do. It is not my intention to force people into certain things, but sometimes it comes across that way. And other times people do things they think are fine, but which are really in poor taste. That happens. I blow this out of proportion a lot.
Back to perception. Everything is a matter of perception, as Corvus recently pointed out in her blog. How we are perceived by others is what counts more than our intentions. Some of you have seen me post things that have been taken largely in a negative light. This is perception. It was never my intention to do harm to people, for the most part (I'm getitng to that, be patient). My goal is, and has always been, to teach people that RPing isn't about winning or losing, it is ONLY about telling a story and having fun doing so. It's a reflection of living lives through characters we love, and sometimes bad things happen to those characters. Nothing ever goes perfectly.
When we RP as if everything should be perfect and we should never lose, we don't just hurt others, we hurt ourselves. If our characters are affected by OOC politics or drama or OOC motivations, then that character becomes stilted, flat, and to put it bluntly, no good. I've had this happen with a lot of my characters. It's why I sometimes go through many characters before I find one I really want to play, like Barrien.
However, I understand this perception that people have of me because of the way I go about things. I'm a very blunt individual and I tell things as I see them. Sometimes this comes off very standoffish, sometimes even hypocritical. So I'm going to change that. I'm going to be more positive and friendly. I'm not going to let my RL issues leak into how I treat others. Nor will I let the OOC drama shine through on the board, at least from me, anymore. If you see me say something that you think is a barb, whether intentional or not, please let me know, via PM, and I will correct it. I am not the dark, vile person some of you think I am. I promise.
And for those that I have criticized directly, or verbally harmed directly, I apologize to you. I won't name names here, largely because I'm sure I'd forget someone. But you know who you are. I sincerely apologize and hope that you will accept it.
All of this aside, I will continue to be blunt, but in a fair manner, and will strive to be more like Lincoln: write the worst of it all, delete it, and then write what should be said instead.
"I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong." - Abraham Lincoln