"All I have to survive anymore is this small foolish hope
that one day I will look up at the sound of a warm, familiar voice, and it will be you."
Brandyn,
For hours now, I’ve been wracking my brain to try and figure out how to start this letter. It’s impossible to express adequately in any amount of words the depth of tragedy that has befallen our home and our family.
Some time has passed since Naboo fell and we received the letter declaring our father dead. I thought it would get better, but the pain doesn’t seem to go away. I forget about it sometimes, that empty feeling.
I keep moving, keep focused on my training like I know you would have told me to, and even go out with the new friends I’ve made among the Jedi.
With Dad gone, I’ve had to step in and keep his company assets in order while also working with our aunts to help the families that were off-world during the attack so they might find a place until they can return to Naboo - if they ever can.
In the busyness of it all, there are moments where I feel happy in my purpose. Then it all comes back, it always does, the grief, and I’m just trying to figure out how to live with it. To live with the knowledge that everything we ever knew and loved is gone, while trying to keep our family from ripping apart at the seams.
Mom lives in denial of Dad's death, unwilling to acknowledge it and insisting he is somewhere out there. She's barely present anymore and has become a ghost of herself. When she does come out of it, she asks after you, more often than not.
Blaire won’t speak to me most days. Our relationship has always been strained, but this is different. She resents me for putting my responsibilities as a Jedi above our family and blames me for Dad.
Maybe I deserve it, I could have tried harder to get to him.
They're so fragile that I haven't had the heart to tell them the news about you. I keep finding excuses, but eventually I'm going to run out of reasons for why you're missing during the most difficult time of our lives.
Our Sal-Soren relatives are another story altogether.
When word broke out about our father, they made a play for our inheritance. They think I am inadequate for the Sal-Soren stewardship, and wanted to impose conservators over me until I matured enough. The truth of it? You were always the preferred choice, though I know you never wanted it. I constantly feel like I have to watch my back with them and I never know whom to trust. High society Corellians are the worst.
I just wish that you were here so we could discuss these problems… I’m scared to walk alone, to do this all without you, afraid that I'm going to screw it all up. You were always my bulwark against uncertainty.
But I suppose it is past time that I take my own path and stop relying on you as my safety net.
You've always been the best of us Brandyn, and if by some miracle this ever reaches you, wherever it is that you’ve ended up, know that I am always looking back and watching for your return, little brother. May the Force be with you.
With Love,
Briana
Briana
