Life is like a beach full of sand. That's a sentence I wrote long ago at school in an essay. That comparison has always been with me, I guess. Even before writing it down and ever after that essay. Kind of has turned into a motto for me, for my life. It's not a way of life. It's not an action. It's merely a view.
Grains of sand could have different meanings, varying at every given situation. They could be people you've met or all the people who exist in the world, your dreams or your fears, your desires or your wants, the sadness and happiness in your life. They could even be just ... moments.
Moments guide our lives. Our lives consist of them. And they will do so forever. And the impact they have at your life and future is grandiose. Not only because one moment's decisions lead on to the next moment, but because these little particles of time may create memories we don't want to lose.
Memories we want to relive again.
Why is human nature like that? Why do we want to feel our best moments once again just the way they were? People say 'don't look at the past, focus on the future' or whatever else. Yet most people live in the past. Our worst memories of the moments in the past will make us feel bad in the present, we want to be in the best memories of our past again.
It is ... kind of heartbreaking. The fact that our emotions and stability will be heavily influenced by our history and that's quite the natural way of living. Everybody who's ever lived with depression may know the struggle of remembering the ups of our lives and feeling even more down because of these moments.
I know a lot of people who have these sudden feelings like they want to return to some point in the past. Maybe they were better than the present moments are? Maybe they were bad and these people just want to fix these ugly moments? There are many reasons.
There is just something so mind-troubling about all of that. It's difficult to live when all of your thoughts are about these moments in the past. Being an introvert doesn't help at all to fix that problem -- one's own thoughts will start pushing a person into the corner. Perhaps it's a roadway to depression again.
So many people tell others to stop looking back and get over it, but I've come to understand it's not necessarily the way to fix that. Every human is different -- what works for one may have no effects on the other. As a person who's lived a long period of 'down-time' knows how infuriating are people who say one should be positive and optimistic. When your thoughts work against you, there is nothing worse than hearing you have to feel something you are unable to.
Life is not only about the good. I've heard it so many times that without feeling pain, you won't truly appreciate the joy. And that is a philosophy I really like. Emotions have opposites - sadness and happiness, for example. You can't be both at the same time without feeling confused. I know that feeling too well -- this strange hybrid of good and bad which makes your head ache with the lack of understanding.
If there were only bad moments in life, would we really understand the good ones? Even beaches are not full of these good grains of sand. No, there are also pointy stones and spiky things on the way. And when you get past these, you will feel the amazing perfectness of soft, even sand.
What is the point of this ramble? Absolutely nothing. It's just a moment I felt like writing feelings down. About a moment in the present, about moments in the past and moments in the future. I won't go back and read my text, I won't edit a thing. Because you can't go back into the past and change a thing. The moments in our history are the way they were.
Maybe that's the amazing thing about moments? That they are just what they are -- just moments. Not a year, not a decade. They pass. And perhaps whatever comes in the future will outweigh the worries we had about our memories? We'll not know that. Because you can't go into a future moment and see what it will bring before it's actually become the present.