TS: 87402180337

Hey, you - er, me. Whatever.

Its been a while, huh? Just talking out loud like this.. or like anything, I guess. Things have been quiet since then, here, and for a while I think I liked it.. until I realized I hated it. Contradictions, right? That's just.. us, me. Too many people around until nobody is left and then all I want to do is just.. scream. Haven't talked to mom or da in a while, either, I.. I burned some more bridges again, the kind I don't think I'll build back again. I don't mind though! No, nothing really matters quite as much to me anymore. Constant state of being.. whatever it is I am.

Numb. Angry.. sad. Lonely.

Mm.. We, I.. well I haven't used this piece of junk in a while, haven't I? I think the last time was before I.. before Bastion. Years now, I guess. Was I.. have I ever been this talkative? I don't think so, no. The castle.. fortress, whatever this prison is, call it what you want.. its empty these days. Looks like things just.. It happens to everyone, really. People leave.. people die.. that's just how life has been, hasn't it? Mom.. though I guess I managed to get something of her back for father, I guess... useful for something, wasn't I? Heh. Look at me, being all sentimental.. not much else to do here, though, 'specially not these days. That trashy schutta popped in to say some rather.. choice things.. a day or so ago.

No.. not her.. the one I saw her with back then..

I guess I never was a good fit, though, was I? I mean, not really. Tried to murder her in her sleep, didn't I?

..Saying that out loud really makes that sound so bad.. and it doesn't even come close to how it feels every time I think back to then. Different circumstances, different people.. imagine what we could have had if I didn't come into this mess in the state I was! Could've been.. happy?.. No, probably not. Maybe content...

Yeah, content.

Pity things went the way they did.. and we went the ways we went. She moved on, I think, and I just.. I forced myself to. Thought she had fallen out of.. thought things had changed in ways that I guess I ended up being wrong on.. and ended up falling out of things myself instead. Ironic, isn't it? Bitter that you get left behind and try so hard to hold onto that.. that thing.. and then when you find it again you realize you just don't..

Don't want it anymore.

Not that I don't.. well it's complicated. She matters to me, like a lot.. but I don't want to be with her like this, or I guess I don't really want her to be with me if I'm being honest. I don't think I could've been okay with that a couple of years ago, probably would've hung on with whatever I could, but that's just what coming to terms with things does to us, huh? I wonder what she'd do if she knew how much it hurt just.. even before Rhand.. before that too. In a way I think I've wanted this for a long time.. to rest, to escape from all of this miserable hell. Maybe I'll change things.. do something bigger.. but I don't think I will, don't think I can.

No, I don't think I want to.. just want her not to see how pathetic I've really become. Just one big struggle to look strong before I go, make things look clean, like it wasn't the plan all along. Yeah.


Then things'll be easier.. lighter.

I just need her to change her mind.. make it easier to let go. She needs someone else.. better. Not me.

I was a mistake.