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Journal Entry #16 - Fatherhood

Subject: Fatherhood.
Location: The Jedi Enclave, Svivren.

Asaraa is pregnant.

It's been a little while now since I spoke to her about ending our relationship due to the distance between us, both physically and figuratively, serving in different sectors of the Galaxy and doing what is needed of us. Asaraa has found her place within the Confederacy of Independent Systems for quite some time now.

Before that, we both served within the Order of the Silver Jedi, and for a number of years we made it work...-But the time in which we spent together grew too short and far between, where it eventually felt as though all we were getting from the relationship was feelings of disappointment and longing for what could have been.

Months after the agreement to end our relationship, however, she contacted me with the news of the pregnancy...-She's having a girl and of course, it's mine. I'm going to be a father. This is the last thing I had anticipated...-Had I known, perhaps then I wouldn't have ended the relationship but rather taken steps to be closer to them both. Only, while I'm certain there are good people within the Confederacy, it wasn't the place I felt fitting for a Jedi.

The sad joke in that, however, is that I'm finding myself drawn back to the roots of my training. Only now, when all has been said and done.

Frankly, I'm glad they will both be protected well within Confederate Space. The Independent Systems have managed to be at relative peace for a long time now, despite the rest of the Galaxy being thrust into a chaotic state. To know that my Daughter will be kept safe during her most vulnerable years is a blessing not all can say. Even so...-I'm still trying to wrap my head around this news. I guess that's the purpose of this journal entry really.

My father and I didn't share a good relationship until his final years, but even then I never forgave him for what he did to Mom and the people of Commenor during his fall to the Darkside. It's a miracle that he was able to return and somehow redeem himself, be reinstated as a Jedi Master after everything and in no small part due to his friendship with Kyra's father, Master Coren Starchaser.

I have to hope that I won't disappoint my child the same way that I was angry and hurt by Veiere's mistakes. Since his death, I have forgiven him and thanks to Thurion, I've been able to reconnect with him in spirit, but life is so short and I would have much preferred to spend the remainder of his life, working together in the field as fellow Jedi as much so as Father and Son.

I have no idea what to expect, nor how to prepare myself to be a good father for this kid. Asaraa and I may not be together anymore, but I'll still make sure to be there for her and our child when they need me. At the very least, Asa will want for nothing as far as credits are concerned...-But money can only provide so much.

I don't know how to feel about my duties here in the Outer Rim Territories while my Daughter will be born and raised in Confederate Space. I never dreamed of being a father, let alone an absent one. It's not a feeling that sits well with me, and yet I have been able to help so many out here too...

I guess I've got a lot to think about.
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Caedyn Arenais


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